The story of Spork.

Sometimes I think it's getting better, but then I struggle more...there is something wrong with me, I think.

Well, I am 3 weeks and change into trying to quit smoking. I would tell people the words, that the last time I tried to quit, I coped fine with the physical withdrawal symptoms. I felt like chewing on things, I was antsy and twitchy and I was alright dealing with all of that. It's the psychological stuff that always got me and wrecked my attempts. Especially if I caught myself being a jerk to my kids. Basically, I would say, I'd reach a point where I was completely upset over nothing important and the sky would be falling, the world ending, I'd just be freaking out. The milk incident was my best description.

I'd been trying to quit, I think I got maybe a month into it. I was making macaroni and cheese with dinner. I pulled the milk out of the fridge and set it on the counter. Then the timer went off, I drained the noodles and went to get the milk out of the fridge to put into the macaroni and...there was no milk in the fridge. I completely lost my fucking mind. I screamed and yelled at my children that they had used all the milk and failed to text and let me know so dinner was ruined and everyone was gonna go hungry and I had to throw away the macaroni and ohmyfuckinggod.... And then I closed the door to the fridge, and right behind it on the counter, was the milk. Right where I put it.

I went out that night and bought a pack of smokes. I was like, man, if I've got to destroy my health, to not scream at my kids over nothing, I guess I'm gonna take one for the team.

So I have a suspicion that my over-emotionality lately might have something to do with nicotine withdrawal. I am vaping, but it's not satisfying and I don't really enjoy it, so I doubt if I am doing it enough to replace the nicotine in my system. However, I honestly didn't want to replace one addiction or habit with another anyhow. I see the vape as an emergency release valve...but sometimes I forget it's there until I'm kind of wigging out.

But god, the last few days... I've been fighting back tears over the dumbest shit, and convinced I'm useless, worthless, and unlovable. The issues themselves are maybe actual...things...as compared to the milk incident which was a non-thing...but they are not huge things, and I'm making them into huge things, and I really think it's because of the nic withdrawal.

So.

I just had lunch with Zen. My god I fucking needed that. It's like if I can see him, and touch him, smell him and hear his voice, he's real again and I'm ok. A day without him is just not such a good day...a day with him, well...all is right in the world. Seriously you guys I'm not exaggerating one bit when I say that even the WEATHER is on board with this. We had a chilly morning with overcast grey skies and a faint drizzle...and then I pulled up at the restaurant, and Zen came up to my car, and just as he kissed me, the sun came out. By the time we left, sunshine, blue skies, and warmth, and that's exactly how I feel inside, like he has put me all to rights.

I have felt things for people before. Sometimes big things. But I don't think, anything, ever, quite like this.
 
Wish I had the time in my schedule and the money to see a therapist. But my kid just started soccer, and I have to pick him up all the damn time, and I have to work. I haven't got a piece of time I can set aside for this. And my budget is still in the red, but getting better. My student loan consolidation went through. I should have done this a long time ago. It's saving me a lot on that payment.

I've been putting extra bits of money here and there from the sale of my collectibles or gifts or anything beyond normal income, into my credit cards, and then when my budget is short, I fall back on the credit cards to get by. The solution should be to just live better within my means, but that is hard to do. I'm trying to keep my spending on a tight leash. But I'm strategizing ways to reduce my expenses since I can't presently increase my income. Quitting smoking was one, consolidating the student loans was another, and I'll be emptying my storage unit soon...things like that. Once I break even on the in and out of my monthly dollars, I'll be able to start trying to make actual progress on my debt...or maybe consider bankruptcy.

Thing is, those debts I'm getting stuck with after the divorce is final are the kind of cards you get when your credit is good. Low rate, rewards, high high credit limits, which of course got maxxed out. "Here is lots of rope! Have fun hanging yourself with it!" I mean yeah at least the rates are low. But I feel like it'd take a bunch of years to dig out...probably more than it would take for a bankruptcy to stop tanking my score. And then I could immediately start creating an emergency savings so that I would hopefully not get into a situation where I was forced to divert all extra funds to debt, but also to rely on credit to get me by when the unexpected happened.

Anyhow. Got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind. I find it actually a relaxing diversion. I truly believe that while some of the issues raised in my more emotionally turbulent days are real issues that ping back to some bad code written by my parents and/or my ex...the response to the stuff is vastly blown out of proportion by nicotine withdrawal especially, and possibly some other stuff like hormones and sub-drop. Mostly I am trying to cope with waves of anxiety and despair that certain ideas trigger in me...and remember that even though it would in the here and now put me straight, resuming my smoking habit isn't the answer to this, because I have to quit sooner or later. I'm 3+ weeks into this. I have put some suffering into it, and I might as well not waste that by resetting the quitter clock at zero. If I tough it out, hopefully these brittle and unhappy mental states will pass.

I only wish I felt more comfortable seeking support, or knew how to do it more appropriately. It's like I have friends but not real friends like other people have. I don't feel entitled to anyone's support, and I feel really awkward asking for it or getting it. Like it's a serious imposition and burden to put on anyone. And the idea of anyone seeing me cry utterly mortifies me. I'm too ugly when I cry. A therapist seems like a good solution, at least they are compensated for putting up with my shit, and there's no chance I will say things to them that are violations of the privacy of others in my life...they are after all sworn to keep it confidential, for the most part. But there is the time problem. And money.

I use my accounting spreadsheet systems as my therapy. It's distracting. Moving the numbers around. Running scenario after scenario. Creating new aggregations of historical data and summaries and analysis. Using my detailed data that goes back to 2008, to examine my history. To look at the story of where I am coming from, and wonder where I'm going. It gives me the illusion that I am in control, although I'm not, and something to obsess about that doesn't make me want to cry or go back to bed for a week.
 
Had a good conversation with a friend yesterday, and yesterday was a better day in general. Things do seem to get easier as the week goes by for me. Mondays and Tuesdays are often somewhat rough because of drop. Wednesday I get to see Zen for lunch usually. That elevates my mood. By Thursday and Friday, I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Also, yesterday, I made a point of making very sure to use my vape...it is not as satisfying as smoking, so I don't crave it or feel driven to hit it like I did cigarettes...again, good, because I didn't want a new addiction, I want to quit...but I let my withdrawal symptoms kick my ass sometimes, and I shouldn't. Vaping is dosing myself with enough nicotine to be ok, and it's what soothes the panic of not having cigs in my life.

This is the part that has destroyed every quit attempt I've ever done. The mental stuff. I don't like being this person. I don't like myself when I'm obsessively wigging out over dumb things. I get attacks of "the gremlins"...I imagine them like the Izs from The Maxx, if anyone ever saw that...? Only they surround me, chattering the worst of thoughts that make me anxious or upset, the messages from a lifetime that tear apart my sense of being ok, my self worth, my stability...and then my mind latches onto some train of torturous thought and worries at it until I'm in a state like despair. I feel like my world is falling apart. I can't work. I can't concentrate on anything but what I'm obsessing over. Also, there is the part of little stupid things tripping my triggers and making me irritable. Thankfully I tend not to get to full on rage, as some who quit do...but I do get upset over little things or nothing.

I have a talisman against this insanity right now. I remember in my mind very clearly a sight of Zen's eyes looking into mine. I remember how his silk shirt felt under my fingers. I breathe, and I imagine/remember his scent.
I love Zen.
Zen loves me.
*Breathe*
I'm going to be ok.

And then I'm calm.

So, I need some good coping strategies for Monday and Tuesday. Aside from making sure I vape, I think I might try exercise, because others report that starting some kind of intense exercise regimen helps them stave off the crazies while quitting. Like speed walking around the area of my office building on my breaks, maybe swimming or jogging after work or something. One thing, I love to walk...and even at the height of my habit, when I was walking, I felt zero desire to smoke. I mean, I light up as soon as I reached a destination, but if I was on a walk, I was not smoking. I need some good shoes, but otherwise, I think this is worth a try...
 
I've made a poly kinky friend on the other side of the country, who is into a genre of kink I've never played with, and I'm totally curious about now...LIQUID NITROGEN!!

You can brand people with it, yes. You can do all sorts of crazy party tricks with it. But it can actually be safely splashed at a person in small quantities or even poured down skin, so long as it doesn't pool. It's kind of like fire play, only the exact opposite.

I has a curious... And no one in this region even does this, as far as I know...

Unfortunately it is not a cheap form of play. The LN doesn't look too easy to get but beyond that, the storage containers are costly. But I can start doing research.
 
I've played with it a little at a con - had it poured on me, had a flower frozen in it and then shattered on me. (Saw a whole flogging done that way, with a five gallon bucket of roses shattered on someone sequentially, it was gorgeous.)

Didn't have a brand done, though, as I scar *very* easily and I didn't trust it not to be permanent.
 
Spork said:
I've made a poly kinky friend on the other side of the country, who is into a genre of kink I've never played with, and I'm totally curious about now...LIQUID NITROGEN!!
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Oh no, thats a gendre of kink? I want to separate sex and work, thank you :D
...
People at universities sometimes can get liquid nitrogen pretty cheaply, if you know someone who has access for it. At least our university is not very strict.
The polystyrene containers are probably costly, yes. You can store it into a vaccuum bottle for a day or so, but that's hardly enough to play.

But hopefully your friend has a source of nitrogen, so enjoy yourself, Spork :)
 
Our university is extremely strict about LN: you have to have a requisition sheet for it signed by a senior staff member and a technician, log what you took, used, what it was used for, what you returned, etc. It's kept under similar management as our controlled drugs. However, that could simply be because stupid students kept stealing it and using it without proper safety measure, and it's kinda expensive to get where I live.

I'd recommend checking out the MSDS sheet before starting to play with LD: eye protection and lots of ventilation are very important. I can't see having flash-frozen eyeballs or being knocked out due to O2 displacement being much fun. It's all well and good to say "I'm careful; it won't splash in my eyes", but shit happens!

Also, safety glasses are kinda sexy lol
 
FeatherFool said:
Our university is extremely strict about LN: you have to have a requisition sheet for it signed by a senior staff member and a technician, log what you took, used, what it was used for, what you returned, etc. It's kept under similar management as our controlled drugs. However, that could simply be because stupid students kept stealing it and using it without proper safety measure, and it's kinda expensive to get where I live.

I'd recommend checking out the MSDS sheet before starting to play with LD: eye protection and lots of ventilation are very important. I can't see having flash-frozen eyeballs or being knocked out due to O2 displacement being much fun. It's all well and good to say "I'm careful; it won't splash in my eyes", but shit happens!

Also, safety glasses are kinda sexy lol
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Yes. I saw a picture on the man's fetlife profile, where he had a bottom standing with her back to a cross, and she had on some heavy duty eye-pro (like I think some kind of scuba goggles, fully sealing kind) and he was throwing a small cup of LN into her face.

Thing is, a lot of it is going to evap off so fast, as I understand it, it's like being caressed by a very cold vapor. At least that's what he says.

I love this kind of thing because, see, this is...all of these kinky people are intellectuals, nerds, they are "my people" in this sense, the ones who want to play with science. Who wonder, what if I set this on fire? What if I pour that on skin? What would this look like or that feel like or whatever...lots of interesting experiments going on. I was the little girl who had no friends and whose favorite things to play with were fire, magnets and electricity, who would rather read than play games or watch tv and who thought that Barbies were weird. When I say that kink, for me, is generally not about sex...this is exactly what I mean. Sure, some of the kink I've got going on is kind of sexy or can be mingled with sex, but mostly it's that maniac excitement I get in showy sciencey play, even impact for the manipulation of the brain chemicals, it's sciencing my own body and mind. It fills me with joy.

Thinking about new, or creative ways to cause stimulation makes me all excited like a kid on Christmas morning.
 
I was just replying to a message and talking about forgiving ourselves our imperfections. I mentioned, that when I first got into BDSM what I thought I was looking for, was a safe place to fall apart, to cry, to be broken and human and not perfect and not strong. And to have someone there to help put me back together again when it was all said and done.

The woman who wanted that was living in the death throes of 18 years of being the main source of administrative order and sanity and control for a family of four, where the kids could be kids and the other parent could have a meltdown whenever he felt like it, where if I expressed any difficulty myself, he would instantly have a MUCH bigger problem so I had to stop dwelling on myself and give my attention to him. I was not allowed to have hurt, or anger, or bad emotions, I wasn't even allowed to grieve when my friend died. I learned that if I didn't want to deal with him having some kind of huge drama, then I'd better not let on if I had a problem of any kind, better deal with it quietly and calmly on my own...I was so tired of locking up so much of myself. Of keeping my emotions, pretty much all of them, hidden away somewhere safe from my husband. It's no wonder I had a bad bout of depression when he was deployed...I didn't have him there, I was allowed to FEEL things, and my god did I ever.

I wanted space to be human. But at the same time, I'm kind of afraid of my own emotional states. I don't want to face them alone.

Of course, once I got into BDSM I found a different result completely than what I thought I was looking for. I had my first flogging and it got me high as a kite, and I was hooked on the experience of it. A year and a half later, I can say that in addition to all of the glory of my revels in masochism, I've got community, I've got a great deal of therapy and self awareness and awesome ideas on how to do relationships in more ethical ways. I've found so much good stuff in this. And I've found my Zen.

But the part I sought when I came in, I'd nearly forgotten about. Really it's learning how to have weak, or "negative" feelings...how to express them, and how to trust someone to still love me and not punish or reject me in some way for them. How to accept my own imperfection and trust that someone could possibly love my whole self. I have a whole litany of my own flaws, with which I am all too familiar. I know that I am not (yet) old, and I am not (knock on wood) overweight, and I'm willing, so I'll do...but I look at myself and I see so many bad, un-sexy things. And like it or not, the world we live in just glories in telling women that men are visual and that our looks are all that matter, and that we aren't pretty enough. Which sucks...because not only do I like what's on the inside of me better, and see all of the flaws of the body I live in, but I know it's going to get older, not younger.

On top of that, asking a lover to deal with me being less than cool, less than together, my "drama" or "maintenance?" Oh jesus no. Better keep that shit under wraps, bad enough you'll never be a supermodel, at least I can be cool and fun right? And maybe it's the really beautiful women, with the great bodies and high heels and makeup and all, who can have their feelings and get the support they want... That's not for gals like me. It's like I think that if a woman meets the bar, if she's beautiful enough, she deserves the kind of love and safety and support that I don't. If you can't be hot, you can be cool. It's been my approach for one reason and another for ages.

This was the worst of the messages I've been fighting. That was my gremlin last week. He's been sedated and locked back up now, I am putting these thoughts down without any tears in my eyes or hurt in my heart.

Realizing though that I never did do the thing, of really breaking down or being weak, of being held while I cried or any of that, what I thought I was actually looking for, maybe I wasn't brave enough to even try to go there. I've been so proud of how strong I am. How I cope so well through the initial pain and I'm rewarded with the high. I don't call red. I don't cry. The weakness is still all locked up. And the man I've been building a lot of emotional trust with, the man I love so much...I am still scared to let him see my weakness. Scared to ask for too much.

So much so, that even though by the time we reached the weekend I'd gotten over the worst of the mental and emotional mess I was in...it was still hard to even explain part of my feelings to Zen. And when I addressed one part of my insecurity that had been biting, he did not try to tell me why I was wrong, or tell me I shouldn't feel that way. He didn't try to fix my problem, he just acknowledged that he understood. I'm not sure if he knows how uncommon that is, and I suspect he might have gotten that bit of wisdom in dealing with emotional females from one of his books or TED talks or something. Or he is just that much the empath, I don't know. He's an uncommonly sensitive man for sure. All I can say is that over the course of the weekend, he's really done a brilliant job of helping me to feel safe, loved, and connected. He's got a gift, of hitting all of the right notes for me.

So it was a good weekend. A really, really good weekend.

Friday night I spent a bunch of time with my kid. We used the apartment complex's hot tub and we tried to swim in the pool, but it was cooling down quite a bit and I wasn't into freezing...Q got in the water and made lots of funny noises and faces. Then we went down and visited Old Wolf briefly on our way to a friend's house who was having a bonfire in her backyard.

Saturday I had a good long sex visit with Zen, then a delicious dinner at a Mexican place, then BDSM party at Voodoo. We were both lethargic and full bellied, so I didn't expect much. Well, as he seems to do sometimes, he surprised me with a scene that pushed my limits of endurance in both pain and pleasure and left me trembling and weak and dizzy. Spent the night in his bed and had breakfast with him.

Then yesterday I skipped pyro because a dear friend is going out of town and there was a gathering at a pub restaurant place I like. So Fire, Hefe and Analyst were there. It was good to see them, and I have cause to hope I might have some opportunities to hike with Fire in the future as her schedule might be getting better. I am happy about that. I've been wanting more exercise in my life, and I miss her. Then after that, Zen came over and we used the hot tub.

So we had a lot of time, a lot of contact, and I feel very ok today. So that's good.
 
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Oh. The cat did a funny thing.

I had a plastic laundry basket on the hallway floor. I heard the sound of claws ripping across the carpet, the cat speeding toward me, and turned just in time to see Nimbus do a flying leap at full tilt into the laundry basket, and it actually slid across the carpet about a foot or two. He then crouched in the bottom, all wound up with big eyes, waiting to ambush somebody, until I needed the basket and tipped him out of it.

Later, I had two baskets sitting lined up, full of laundry this time but with towels tucked in around the top, ready to carry down to our apartment complex's laundry room...and he came pelting down the hall from the other direction and BOUNCE! BOUNCE! jumped on one and the other, and continued his run. So it was ZOOM-BOUNCE-BOUNCE-ZOOM!

It was like...cat...laundry...Olympics or something...I don't know, but he was really excited about it. I think I should put baskets in the hall more often.
 
I found a kitten outside not long ago, and he has had me in stitches literally every day since. It's been a while since I've had a kitten his age (5 months or so) around: I forgot how crazy they are!

Such good fun :)
 
FeatherFool said:
I found a kitten outside not long ago, and he has had me in stitches literally every day since. It's been a while since I've had a kitten his age (5 months or so) around: I forgot how crazy they are!

Such good fun :)
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Yeah, it was your post about the kitten that made me think to write about my boy's antics. He's 4 years old now, but he's still a spaz.

He's just 16 pounds or so of spaz-floof, as opposed to a tiny handful.

He also paused mid-frisk to scratch his ear, with his hind foot, and then grabbed said offending foot and bit it several times before contorting himself half-upside-down with a very enthusiastic full-body-wiggle. He likes to look at things upside down or sideways. And ambush me from within the bathtub. And raid the cabinets, which he knows how to open, and steal my plastic package of thin lady-pads out to the living room floor to chew on in the middle of the night, or pull out all of the plastic grocery bags onto the kitchen floor.

I am especially fond of the "weasel war dance." He's pretty good at it.

But when he eats, he can be quite gentlemanly. He will sometimes sit, and delicately pick up one bite at a time with his paw, and bring it up to his mouth like that.

I sometimes wish I just had a camera ready all the time for his cat shenanigans...
 
So I'm DEFINITELY ok now. Have not had a bad time yesterday or today, so some of the factors that drove my mess last week aren't in play apparently.

I don't know, I feel on the one hand embarrassed for getting so dramatic and upset, because I do not want to be a dramatic person. But on the other hand, I've struggled to feel like I have any right in expressing anything negative, like "no one wants to deal with that" and I've got no business letting it hang out in front of anyone. But I feel like I haven't been genuine, I haven't honored myself in shutting it down QUITE so completely as I have in the past. Like sometimes, I've gotta feel my feelings. Which is new, and I can only do it because my ex is not near me. I have to re-learn how to deal with my own emotional management. I was used to just not feeling things, before. And in having these times where it all just boils up, once the emotional part has passed, now I have some stuff to think about in a calmer way, and I understand some of my own fears and insecurities and weaknesses a little better maybe.


But today, I am alright.

Got stuff going on this week.

I'm now officially a minivan driving soccer Mom, though I am pretty sure that I'm the only one with GWAR stickers all over her minivan, so there is that. I had nerdy kids who didn't do sports, and now Q has decided to play JV soccer and holy shmokes...I didn't realize how expensive it was, nor how often I would need to pick him up from this and that. But the cool thing is, they make him keep his grades up, or they'll kick him out. That extra incentive on him, is pretty nice. But I don't know how he's going to work a job when he's also doing soccer. Really, that might have to wait until the summer or after soccer season ends or something. He really wants a job though, once he turns 15 later this month.

Got another dental appointment this afternoon, he put a temporary filling on the root canal tooth a couple of weeks ago, and now he's putting the crown on, to protect it from breaking since it's a dead tooth and all. Eventually we'll be getting that fourth and final wisdom tooth out, and that hopefully will be the last of the major work for quite a while. But I want to wait a bit until I've paid the bills from all of the stuff I've had done. I've only started getting the insurance EOB's and it's going to take me a minute to pay for all of this.

But I will manage.

Gonna hot tub with my Zen tonight, he's had a strange hitch in his work schedule but I am not complaining. He usually works nights. And I have discussion groups Wednesday and Thursday. Not sure if I'm doing anything Friday night yet. March Fourth Marching Band is in Boulder. I might ask around and see if anyone wants to go with me. Hell, maybe I'll take my kids...only, Ninja will be at his roleplaying game and Q might not want to go. I dunno. I'll figure something out, or I'll stay home. I sure have enough stuff needing doing at home.

I got into a conversation last night on fetlife, and I really meant to spend my time more productively than posting in the groups there and then chatting with this one guy...and really, having a PM convo with him is of dubious intelligence, as he claims to have serious issues with clinging and getting attached to people and feeling abandoned if women stop talking to him. Like it's tricky, because I think he is very smart and I think he's a good person and he's got some hurts, and I'd like to talk him up just because I think that so many of us have a hard time and it's nice when somebody is in your cheering section. But I think I should put a limit on this, and "break up" with him definitively at some point, so he doesn't freak out if I just stop the conversation. Like he might make too much of a thing of this just because I'm being nice to him. I sincerely hope he goes on and finds happiness, but I'm not trying to be part of that or anything.

Another conversation was a man carrying on about why can't he compliment women, why do women get offended about it? He just wants to be nice, the world is so full of bad and he wants to be good! Well to that point he had my agreement, because I actually want to be able to just compliment people, anywhere and anytime, and talk others up, and encourage and empower folks to feel good and do good. But then you get people who read too much into it. Or I find myself standing in the store thinking that if I compliment someone, what if hey are an introvert of the sort that REALLY doesn't want a stranger to talk to them? I don't want to risk making someone uncomfortable, or having someone try to (metaphorically) follow me home like a puppy. So even I have some questions around complimenting people and I wanted to speak to that. Annnnd then the guy "went there" unfortunately. He said that he's just trying to be nice as opposed to saying what he really thinks and being a jerk, and asked something about "approach." Oh dude. Yeah, we're done. He just switched the channel to the 24/7 infomercial-for-dick station. Nope.

EDIT: The guy I'm talking up, that I'm concerned might get weird or attachy about it, and Mr. Y U No like Compliment are two different dudes. Just realized that might not be clear the way I wrote this. The first guy has PTSD and a host of mental issues and is lonely but afraid he's undateable after striking out online. I told him to stop being so socially isolated and get out in his community for crying out loud. He writes well and is very articulate and he IS getting help for his stuff...I think there's hope for him. The compliments guy is an idiot. But the topic initially held SOME merit...

Anyhow. I'm alright, Zen is goddamn dreamy, and here in a bit I'm off to visit the Dental Dom (lol!) Life is good.
 
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*yawn*

...

So I had some discomfort yesterday evening, because the dentist had done some drilling about before putting the permanent filling in place...and I had really bad allergies yesterday too, so I took one of my pain pills and some allergy meds (NOT benadryl, I know better.) Zen came over and I was tired and I'm afraid a bit dull. I didn't really have a lot to talk about. We did go down to the hot tub, and some college kids came in and were in there too. I chatted with a couple of girls for a bit. Zen just let me drive the conversation, but it was funny to find when we touched on musical interests, he was encouraging me to start yammering on about GWAR like I do...and it turns out the one girl who was the more chatty of the two, was actually more a fan of 60s and 70s music, which is what Zen grew up listening to. No one had even heard of GWAR, which didn't surprise me. They do appeal to only certain social sets, like oldschool punk or thrash metal fans or cult horror nerds.

But my love and I had a nice visit.

And then this morning, I still can't get functional. I keep drinking coffee, but it isn't helping. I want more sleep sooooo bad. I can tell that today will be a struggle. Maybe I'll take a nap at lunchtime, even though I have stuff I need to be doing. *sigh* And I have a discussion group tonight. Damn it. I'm so sleepy...this sucks...

Q didn't want to go to school today. But he's not sick really, he came home from school and had a nap yesterday and then couldn't sleep last night, so he's tired. And his legs hurt because he's in soccer now and they run him constantly. I sympathize, but his grades are not great at the moment and I told him that he can't really afford to miss school and have more work to make up. If he'd been trying harder to keep his grades in better shape then this wouldn't be an issue.

Wish we both could have stayed home and slept though. Oh well...
 
I did end up napping at lunch time and I might do it again today. I get being tired yesterday and certainly the evening prior, but damn...why today? I slept well last night!

It just keeps creepin' up on me out of nowhere-like. Can't keep my eyes open.

And the weather is beautiful and I wish wish wish I had a hammock to enjoy the sun and the breeze AND take a nap, that would be so nice...*sigh*...

(Actually I own a hammock, I just don't know where to put it!)

My love apparently read my witless half-drugged and out-of-it state the other night, as a pleasant sort of "mellow" and it contrasted well with his manic workday, so I can appreciate that it did him some good to be around chill vibes. If he can appreciate me even when I'm not being particularly entertaining, well, it bodes well for us I think. Life is not always exciting and neither am I, especially if we get to a point where we see each other more days than not. And as much as I enjoy the more exciting things in life, many of which we do together, I also love indulging in relaxation sometimes.

I still dream of having a vacation one of these days (if I ever get my damn money back in order) where we go to Virginia and tour some of the historical stuff, and go relax at the beach. I miss the beach. Lounging on some sort of shaded balcony, where I can hear the ocean, that might be my idea of heaven. I have been told, "you know they have recordings of the ocean"...psh. No, I don't think it's even close to the same, and it doesn't feel good to listen to some recording. Maybe it's the whole deal, with the ocean smell and the stupid seagulls. I don't know. But it's great and I miss it and there's no substitute for the real thing and I want to go there with my Zen.

One day. Maybe in a year or two depending on some of the choices I make. We'll see.

But for now, a nap in the van will just have to do...
 
Indulged myself a bit yesterday, after getting distracted thinking intense sex thoughts about doing sex things with my sexy man. Wrote him a note about it.

Sometimes I get so pulled into thinking this stuff that it's incredibly hard to focus on anything else. It's like...I don't think about sex all the time, but WHEN I DO...

I have lunch with Zen today and I'm happy about that. In the mood I've been in, a good one, generally, it will be a happiness and a tease to see him a bit today and more tomorrow.

...

I talked to my ex on the phone last night, the call started on business but of course soon enough he was rambling on about his "legacy" and his attachment to Song and his plans to move to Oregon. I guess he's going to fix up a shed in her yard to be a sort of cottage or something, and live in it. She is encouraging this. Well. Whatever.

The best escape from his lunacy is to talk about myself...of course he can only relate through his myopic lens and everything I say he then follows with explaining how it's either "just like" him in some way or how he's not like that (usually in judgmental tones, followed by mentioning that he doesn't want to hear about it or "doesn't understand" it.)

But since he is obsessively in love with Song, he is all encouragement for me and Zen. Says I ought to go for it and move in with him, because it's the next logical step, and that he sounds like a great guy and all that sort of thing. I know he is only doing his thing of running parallels because I know him wayyy too well. But it was...both odd, and also kind of nice, at the same time...to have him talking to me that way. I was almost surprised until I thought about it for a minute and remembered where his head's at.

Because that is pretty much the big question on my mind now, whether to renew my apartment lease, or consider other alternatives, the most obvious and likely one a possible cohabitation with Zen. Not only on the basis of a desire to escalate things maybe, but more significantly on the grounds that we could both improve our living situations if we cooperated...and I trust him to at least be a good roommate. I know enough (I think) about his habits and situation that I feel he'd be good for his part of such an agreement. And I do not extend that kind of trust lightly. Especially where my son's life and housing is concerned.

I have not made a real decision, but I'm thinking on it. My ex's input is being given the weight it deserves, which is to say, NONE, in my considerations...
 
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Great weekend. Went to a small get together at a friend's house on Saturday, Fire and Analyst and Hefe were there and it was good to see them.

Then a wonderful overnight with Zen, where we brought some new stuff into our play...I gave him some ideas with the note I sent him last week. I'm learning to communicate better with him about what I like and while I'm still a little awkward, and still struggle sometimes, when he is accepting and when it leads to new things for us, I feel encouraged in it. I could ask myself the question, "what are you afraid of? Judgment?" when it comes to the sharing of fantasies and desires with partners...I don't think I'm afraid of any specific response, it's just that the feeling of vulnerability frightens me and makes me feel shy. And yet feelings of vulnerability, exposure, even humiliation, are some of my strongest mental kinks. I think maybe for many people the things that draw us and repel us at the same time are the things that fuel our erotic dreams. Or not? I don't know. I do know that I've talked to others who say that they wouldn't want to bring their fantasies into real life, or fantasize about things that make them uncomfortable. I used to be a hard "NO" on bringing any elements of my fantasy into reality, and even to the point of being utterly unwilling to talk about them, but that's because I didn't feel comfortable trying to really connect with my ex...I could tolerate sex with him, but actually being involved with his sexuality or letting him into mine, the thought was enough to make me want to hide under a bed. It's so odd how the act of sex can be so intimate or not intimate at all.

Oh but Zen...now THAT is intimacy. I feel like there is a circular flow of energy between he and I, and it's all wrapped up in our version of power exchange. Which isn't a one way affair of my submission to his Dominance. It's an infinite loop involving a lot of things. Pleasure and pain. His service to my desires and sensations. His control of me. Our love of each other. And I used to think that sex was pretty limited...so many positions, a number of which aren't even very comfortable...only so many paths to a fairly predictable outcome. And he's the first one where I've really, REALLY felt very present and very connected in the act itself. He can do the same things that someone else has done but make it feel so much better and I don't know why...but he's really that good. Today I feel that odd mix of satiated and hungry that he often inspires, and while I know I must put a very good effort into a nice birthday weekend for my son next weekend, I hope to see my love on Sunday.

He makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

So anyhow. Now that I have squee'ed insufferably about how great my lover is... Yesterday I went to a Voodoo member meeting and then to a class on all sorts of neat ways to stimulate ladies with lady parts and I'm not sure that Zen has much to learn in this regard but maybe we got a couple of new ideas for him to try. It was fun. I love being in the kink community.

After our class we had a lovely dinner at a Mexican place, they had a really pretty courtyard with a sort of big stonework fountain on one wall, with a pond and plants, and we sat right by the water and it was cool. Romantic, even.

Then back to my place and we watched a Sam Kinison DVD. Y'know, it had been a while since I'd seen his stuff and the same for Zen, as he remarked on that. But I forgot that one of the biggest themes in his work is how bitter and wretched he is about his failed marriage, so he's pretty hard on relationships and women in his material...and in that particular stand up, for almost everything he was saying, even (especially?) stuff about sex, I found myself thinking, "Poor Sam. I completely disagree." I seriously felt sorry for him. Which isn't generally the desired effect when one is watching comedy. But yeah, I don't really know the whole story on him but I hope he had some better love experiences before he died. It's sad when people are that scarred...and odds are, more than one side to the story. Oh, well.

I still love his shouting and his little snickery giggles and certainly parts of his routine were very funny. Perspective is everything though. I found myself at one point feeling a little relieved that I don't think any of my exes...even THE Ex...feel quite that hateful towards me, and I hope no one ever does. Meanwhile, I'm in love. And don't have much bandwidth to devote to the flavor of bitterness at love gone wrong.

Oh. The Voodoo members meeting. Mostly community building stuff. I find myself thinking a lot about their calls to action, seems this time of year, everyone wants more hands on deck, more donations of time, money, and goods, and more giving and participation. I'm not sure how much I really want to promise though. I have to be careful not to overcommit my time or resources, practice some awareness of where my boundaries need to be. Especially now that Q is in soccer and I'm forever with the soccer-mom running about fetching him from this and that.

So this week I work on emptying my storage unit so I can save the money I'm paying on it...and getting all set for my kiddo's upcoming 15th birthday.
 
So I'm thinking, wondering, pondering and contemplating...

While I'll never be one to condemn something like poly and my experience was in many ways pretty awesome, I wonder if I've got what it takes to do it. Like, I wonder if I am actually "wired for poly" beyond being wired for acceptance of the idea of it.

Or am I wired to maybe thrive better in mono relationships? I mean that is the question I'm asking myself (not like it's a huge big earth shattering deal, I'm just...thinking.)

I definitely remember my teen years and before I ever knew poly was a thing, I didn't like rules and being told what people can and can't do, especially when it came to love and sex. I desired community, I loved easily at least at some level...although "love" and "LOVE" remained a bit different. But I had that one boyfriend who broke up with me for another, and I was hurt and later got over it, he later came back around for casual sex booty call visits (which plenty of my lovers did at the time) and he then wound up with a girl he really loved, and I wondered why she and I couldn't be friends and both happily enjoy a role in his life? But those two weren't going for it. Well, now maybe if I were still in communication and community with them, since they are Renn Fest people and perhaps a little "different" I might have been able to get them on board with at least trying...but we no longer hang out or talk and live across the country from each other. It's been ages since I heard a peep out of them. Anyhow it doesn't matter except to say that in that time, it just "wasn't done." If you loved someone enough to commit to them long haul, you had to be fidelitous and that's how it was. But I was thinking pre-poly thoughts around age 16. And I was being a semi-ethical slut at the time. I was asking the questions, when he said he didn't want to cheat on his girl because he loved her, I was asking if it was cheating if we all got honest with it, and if there could be another way.

Yet now, I find myself thinking about the quad and how I handled things and how I felt sometimes. I am so needy when I feel insecure but I never felt comfortable reaching out to any of them. I should have, as much as they supported me through the end of my marriage and all. It's not that they only ever saw the "happy fun" side of me. Maybe I felt like they only saw the strong side, though? I do know that feelings of vulnerability scared me. They do with Zen too sometimes, though that's getting much better. But I needed a crap-ton of reassurance from him to be ok, and occasionally I still do. But it's now enough, the way he looks at me and the way he seems to seek out touch, it's very reaffirming, let alone things he says to me.

I know that with one of them in particular, I expected any hint of insecurity or low confidence, shaky self worth, to be met with contempt because of something said early on in the relationship. I know that I questioned people's affection for me and their motives, all but for one. And I just didn't always try hard enough. And I placed obligations on myself that I shouldn't have, and they weren't...equitable. And then that fact stressed me out even more. Just trying to balance the energy comfortably with a number of people at once...I didn't do it well.

The thing is, these people weren't drama people. I brought more drama to the table than I wanted to, and more than I like to be connected to in anyone's mind, with some of my situations. I can't think of better people to try and be poly with. And yet I couldn't seem to feel like I was doing it right.

I feel like I can do right by one relationship. But I don't know if I can do right by multiple relationships. And I don't feel any tremendous drive to try, I feel utterly saturated with love and fulfilled in my sex life.

I just don't know if I am polyamorous by nature really and I feel like it could be a very long time before I have cause to take interest in trying again. I mean, I'm cool with it...I'm hip...it's a good idea and all...just maybe not for me in my life. I feel like if I couldn't make it work with those wonderful people, then maybe I just can't really make it work at all, and right now that's ok but I wonder if that's how it is or would always be. I wonder a lot of things.

And further, I know that the idea of sharing me makes Zen less comfortable than the idea of being my only one and vice versa. I know that if I told him I needed and wanted Open, he would at least give it fair consideration, and he might try to bend and live with it so that I could be fulfilled in my needs, but I know that Closed feels more safe and sane to him. And I find his position understandable. And I want to give him Closed because I care a lot about how he feels. I want him to be happy, sane, safe. I want him to get the broadcast loud and clear on how much I adore him.

And so. There is a party coming up, and an idea for a scene has been in my thinking, but I believe Zen might have to work. And now I'm concerned because I'm not sure I really want to go without him, I'm not sure if I want to play with others if he's not there, and I am VERY sure that I'm not doing any extreme scenes that push boundaries and stuff, if he is not there. So I'm just not sure what I'm doing really.
 
I'm doing pretty well in accomplishing my objectives this week.

I have the last load of actual STUFF in my van from my storage unit, the rest is empty boxes I can throw out if I don't find a home for them. So that's nearly done.

I've got pretty much all the stuff bought for my kid's birthday...and plans in place for the weekend festivities.

And I have sold a piece of GWAR memorabilia I've been meaning to get around to selling, a tour book owned by one of the bandmembers...like a small spiral notebook with all the info for every stop on a tour, contact info for venue people and what time they need to be back on the bus, etc. Like a planner given to each person involved in an actual tour. It was owned by the guitarist, Derks, and has his scribbles all over and in it, and is autographed on the front by him, and he is one of many people's favorite bandmembers, partly because he's just awesome, but partly because of his iconic costume with the mask that looks like a sort of bear trap thing.

It's a pretty cool item, but one of many things that I've just had stashed in a drawer, hoarded away, not displayed. Time to let it move on I got $150 for it, from a friend. Which is very timely to help me give my kiddo a good birthday!!

Also, if I weren't already feeling pretty good and on top of my life at the moment, I got a message from Zen this morning that he might be available to get together and spend some time with me tonight, and he's had some good news at work, so that is awesome. His job is a huge source of stress for him, any time he has a happy thing occur there, it's cause for celebration. So I'm feelin' some SQUEE that I may get to see him.

Annnd I watched the damn debates last night. Why the hell did I do that? I know I had better things to do. Seriously. What was I thinking of?

*sigh* I just don't get this, how are we here, is this really happening? People think this is ok?

If you are stupid wealthy and have found ways to use the tax code to your advantage and not pay any federal income tax...you probably should not be running for President right now.

If you think it's ok to hire people and not pay them for work, you should not be running for President right now.

If you think that anyone who isn't white must live in a hellhole battle zone with bullets flying, and the solution is to have the police randomly harass all sketchy colored folk until there is "law and order" in a time where there are protests going on all over because police are acting with excessive force and discrimination, and prisons are full of minority people... If you think that being in an airport that fails to meet your standards of opulence makes America "like a third world country" to the point where making our airports nicer needs to be a priority... but of course, not if you have to pay taxes for it, let the little shmucks beneath you do that... But it's OK because you're not racist, as proof, there is that club you opened in Palm Bay where no one was discriminated against and you got really good credit for it.

WHAT.

And if you think that the answer to how we will fix our cyber security issues is "cyber is pretty hard, my 10 year old kid does amazing things with computers, but China is laughing at us and it's Obama's fault. ISIS!" Oh and the mention of a 400 pound person maybe being who hacked the DNC, are you fucking serious right now?

How in the actual hell does anyone support this man? I really begin to feel like we're in some kind of a surreal nightmare. I'm completely blown away by the fact that any of this is even happening.
 
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