The story of Spork.
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Spork
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Ugh cheezus...
Another damn news story...
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...after-finding-more-scouting-reports-on-women/
...another screed of revolting conversations on Facebook. A guy in a poly group there posted a meme saying:
"WANTS TO BE POLYAMOROUS, FLIRTY AND SEX POSITIVE. WORRIED ABOUT COMING OFF AS PATRIARCHAL AND UNSAFE."
Says it's the story of his life. Women trying to say that the reason he might be perceived that way is the way that men treat women in general in our society, and he says that "my thread is about the shaming of male sexuality, not for discussing women's issues."
After a rather horrible explosion of men 'splaining to me that men see women this way, as objects to be used, not people to be respected, but it's my problem if it bothers me and I need to adjust my attitude, emotions, and expectations of the "real world" I live in... I finally am like,
"Men defend the right to see women in ways that are patriarchal and unsafe. Complain about being seen as patriarchal and unsafe."
And I'm done.
It hurts in such a personal way, and I cannot explain that to these guys, not that they care. They are happy to be hurtful, they get troll points for it or something. I don't know. I'm always scared that I'm being played the fool by people who claim to like or love me. It's deep. It's my own personal shit, and I know it. I have a very hard time believing myself to be deserving of legitimate affection. I tear up thinking that the love that means so much to me today and now might be a lie...but it's not because I doubt Zen, it's because I doubt myself.
I wish that every man could understand that when they defend their right to objectify women, to think and talk about us like sex objects, or worse, little more than a walking toilet, to project their own hate of their own sexual desires onto us and try to use it as a weapon to tear us down...even among themselves, even when no woman can hear you... You are saying that it isn't possible for a man to actually love, cherish, or respect a woman. And that shit hurts. And it makes women VERY defensive. So don't be surprised when women who might actually want to have sex with you, hold off and stand off and wait to see what you're about. Don't be surprised when finding sex, intimacy, love, or companionship from women is hard.
If you're not one who thinks of women this way, look to your brothers, they're making this a lot harder for everyone.
I swear right now if it were not for Zen I'd be checking right out of the whole game in some fashion. Love and sex, if not all of humanity. He's so fucking wonderful, affectionate, attentive, giving, and genuine with me, and I am STILL scared sometimes that it isn't real. Please be real, my love. I just need you to be real...
*sigh*
This afternoon is stupid.
And I have to go deal with my ex tonight, I've got paperwork I have to deliver and he's probably drunk, and I'm so not in the mood for any of this right now. Also, I will smoke his cigarettes, I don't even care. It's the only time I've broken my quit, is when I'm around him. I haven't spent money on a pack of cigarettes since early August, and I've only bummed off of him when I am there, otherwise I vape or nothing. I'm doing pretty well. But it's the price for dealing with him. I cannot sit there listening to him while he smokes, and not also smoke. Just can't do it.
Zen is good. When stuff upsets me, I should just run the reel of thoughts and memories of him through my mind. It helps. I can doubt myself, but I do not doubt him.
Another damn news story...
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...after-finding-more-scouting-reports-on-women/
...another screed of revolting conversations on Facebook. A guy in a poly group there posted a meme saying:
"WANTS TO BE POLYAMOROUS, FLIRTY AND SEX POSITIVE. WORRIED ABOUT COMING OFF AS PATRIARCHAL AND UNSAFE."
Says it's the story of his life. Women trying to say that the reason he might be perceived that way is the way that men treat women in general in our society, and he says that "my thread is about the shaming of male sexuality, not for discussing women's issues."
After a rather horrible explosion of men 'splaining to me that men see women this way, as objects to be used, not people to be respected, but it's my problem if it bothers me and I need to adjust my attitude, emotions, and expectations of the "real world" I live in... I finally am like,
"Men defend the right to see women in ways that are patriarchal and unsafe. Complain about being seen as patriarchal and unsafe."
And I'm done.
It hurts in such a personal way, and I cannot explain that to these guys, not that they care. They are happy to be hurtful, they get troll points for it or something. I don't know. I'm always scared that I'm being played the fool by people who claim to like or love me. It's deep. It's my own personal shit, and I know it. I have a very hard time believing myself to be deserving of legitimate affection. I tear up thinking that the love that means so much to me today and now might be a lie...but it's not because I doubt Zen, it's because I doubt myself.
I wish that every man could understand that when they defend their right to objectify women, to think and talk about us like sex objects, or worse, little more than a walking toilet, to project their own hate of their own sexual desires onto us and try to use it as a weapon to tear us down...even among themselves, even when no woman can hear you... You are saying that it isn't possible for a man to actually love, cherish, or respect a woman. And that shit hurts. And it makes women VERY defensive. So don't be surprised when women who might actually want to have sex with you, hold off and stand off and wait to see what you're about. Don't be surprised when finding sex, intimacy, love, or companionship from women is hard.
If you're not one who thinks of women this way, look to your brothers, they're making this a lot harder for everyone.
I swear right now if it were not for Zen I'd be checking right out of the whole game in some fashion. Love and sex, if not all of humanity. He's so fucking wonderful, affectionate, attentive, giving, and genuine with me, and I am STILL scared sometimes that it isn't real. Please be real, my love. I just need you to be real...
*sigh*
This afternoon is stupid.
And I have to go deal with my ex tonight, I've got paperwork I have to deliver and he's probably drunk, and I'm so not in the mood for any of this right now. Also, I will smoke his cigarettes, I don't even care. It's the only time I've broken my quit, is when I'm around him. I haven't spent money on a pack of cigarettes since early August, and I've only bummed off of him when I am there, otherwise I vape or nothing. I'm doing pretty well. But it's the price for dealing with him. I cannot sit there listening to him while he smokes, and not also smoke. Just can't do it.
Zen is good. When stuff upsets me, I should just run the reel of thoughts and memories of him through my mind. It helps. I can doubt myself, but I do not doubt him.
Spork
Active member
Story time, ya'll...
Last Wednesday, I came home from a wonderful visit with Zen and let myself into the apartment...my kid was in the kitchen making food, and he greets me with:
"MISTAKES WERE MADE!"
I'm like uh...um...ok...? And he turns around and repeats it, and I see his face...and he has shaved off about half of each of his eyebrows. From the inside to the middle. He explains that he saw someone online had shaved designs into their eyebrows and he thought it was cool, so he wanted to try to do it.
So he borrowed my razor from the tub. And there is just enough of a sadistic person inside of me to be tempted to inform my rather neurotic and somewhat germophobic son what else that razor is used for...but I think that might be going a bit too far, adding insult to injury here.
He assures me that he does not think it looks that bad and they'll grow back, so I guess I'm glad he's taking this reasonably well.
...
Friday night I went to Old Wolf's house and I sat in the garage with him and his old battle buddy, who is a friend of mine too. Gonna call him "Trooper" for the sake of this conversation. They were both drinking pretty heavily. About 9 or 10 at night, Trooper got a call from his daughter (also a friend of ours) that she had a situation and felt she lacked the skills and could really use some adult backup. Trooper's daughter is in her mid-20's and has four small children and lots of pets. Well, her son's hamster, "Snuggle-Floof" was crushed to death under his TARDIS tent, and the child was pretty traumatized, and his little sister "Tank" was giggling and screaming about zombie hamsters of the undead, and freaking him out even more. And their Mom was having such difficulty in trying not to laugh at the entire situation that it was a challenge to be properly comforting and calming...and if that were not enough, they live not far from the Army base, and TAPS started playing.
So, being the sober one, I offered to drive Trooper (grandpa to the kids) over there so we could hug her kids and help in any way to settle things down.
Snuggle-Floof is dead.
Long live Snuggle-Floof.
...
Saturday I took Q to an eye appointment, got him new glasses on order. Costly, but not as bad as I'd feared it might be. Went to a party at Voodoo. Former polycule was there, with a new partner. I told my silly stories to a lot of friends, I did a little bit of electrical play with an acquaintance. It was weird and a lot less fun to be there without Zen.
Thinking about my prior partners. It was nice to see them. I miss them. But when I think about those relationships...they were good, sometimes almost TOO good, and I have finally figured out some language to describe it aside from the fact that I felt like a visitor in their lives... Being with them was a highly indulgent luxury. And in the later stages of things, increasingly like a luxury I was not earning and couldn't really afford.
I don't know...I really like the people at Voodoo, but I feel like I want to be as centered around my relationship with Zen as I have been, so I'm just not sure what my commitment to community involvement is going to be. I definitely go through big phases where I pull lots of people into my life, and then I get exhausted and need to withdraw for a while, and when that happens, I am very content with just a few people. I have to find my balance. But then, I feel like I need a certain balance in practically everything. If things are too heavily weighted in any one direction for too long, I start to feel either restless and antsy, or stretched thin and tired.
I think I shall continue to attend the discussion groups, and the parties in some limited capacity... It's just also interesting because I am not available to become anyone's sex partner now, and much as I used to happily just get out there and bottom for anyone, it feels different now that I'm partnered. I guess as much as people seemed happy to service top, they have less interest in doing that, many of them, if there is no potential for "more" on the table. Unless they are just popular service tops to begin with. I don't know. I'm still figuring it all out. Hell. Maybe I'll develop my skills in flogging and fire to the point where I can service top other people. *shrug*
Speaking of fire. We had the man who taught the top who burned me, doing a scene on Saturday night, and yeah...I saw the fire get out of his control. I would not play with him. I'm with Supernova on this one, he and those he teaches, I am skeptical of their safety as fire tops in general.
...
In other news, I enjoyed a lovely breakfast with Zen yesterday before he had to go to work, and I got a LOT of work done around my apartment. I had a storage unit's worth of boxed STUFF I needed to go through and properly stash away. So I got that done, and I'm really happy about it. This weekend felt very productive. Now I just have to try not to spend much money for the rest of the week, as I've already run myself over-budget for the timeframe ending this Friday, with the kid's glasses and all...
This might as well be the theme song to my life lately:
https://youtu.be/gFzg5kaU_2g
Last Wednesday, I came home from a wonderful visit with Zen and let myself into the apartment...my kid was in the kitchen making food, and he greets me with:
"MISTAKES WERE MADE!"
I'm like uh...um...ok...? And he turns around and repeats it, and I see his face...and he has shaved off about half of each of his eyebrows. From the inside to the middle. He explains that he saw someone online had shaved designs into their eyebrows and he thought it was cool, so he wanted to try to do it.
So he borrowed my razor from the tub. And there is just enough of a sadistic person inside of me to be tempted to inform my rather neurotic and somewhat germophobic son what else that razor is used for...but I think that might be going a bit too far, adding insult to injury here.
He assures me that he does not think it looks that bad and they'll grow back, so I guess I'm glad he's taking this reasonably well.
...
Friday night I went to Old Wolf's house and I sat in the garage with him and his old battle buddy, who is a friend of mine too. Gonna call him "Trooper" for the sake of this conversation. They were both drinking pretty heavily. About 9 or 10 at night, Trooper got a call from his daughter (also a friend of ours) that she had a situation and felt she lacked the skills and could really use some adult backup. Trooper's daughter is in her mid-20's and has four small children and lots of pets. Well, her son's hamster, "Snuggle-Floof" was crushed to death under his TARDIS tent, and the child was pretty traumatized, and his little sister "Tank" was giggling and screaming about zombie hamsters of the undead, and freaking him out even more. And their Mom was having such difficulty in trying not to laugh at the entire situation that it was a challenge to be properly comforting and calming...and if that were not enough, they live not far from the Army base, and TAPS started playing.
So, being the sober one, I offered to drive Trooper (grandpa to the kids) over there so we could hug her kids and help in any way to settle things down.
Snuggle-Floof is dead.
Long live Snuggle-Floof.
...
Saturday I took Q to an eye appointment, got him new glasses on order. Costly, but not as bad as I'd feared it might be. Went to a party at Voodoo. Former polycule was there, with a new partner. I told my silly stories to a lot of friends, I did a little bit of electrical play with an acquaintance. It was weird and a lot less fun to be there without Zen.
Thinking about my prior partners. It was nice to see them. I miss them. But when I think about those relationships...they were good, sometimes almost TOO good, and I have finally figured out some language to describe it aside from the fact that I felt like a visitor in their lives... Being with them was a highly indulgent luxury. And in the later stages of things, increasingly like a luxury I was not earning and couldn't really afford.
I don't know...I really like the people at Voodoo, but I feel like I want to be as centered around my relationship with Zen as I have been, so I'm just not sure what my commitment to community involvement is going to be. I definitely go through big phases where I pull lots of people into my life, and then I get exhausted and need to withdraw for a while, and when that happens, I am very content with just a few people. I have to find my balance. But then, I feel like I need a certain balance in practically everything. If things are too heavily weighted in any one direction for too long, I start to feel either restless and antsy, or stretched thin and tired.
I think I shall continue to attend the discussion groups, and the parties in some limited capacity... It's just also interesting because I am not available to become anyone's sex partner now, and much as I used to happily just get out there and bottom for anyone, it feels different now that I'm partnered. I guess as much as people seemed happy to service top, they have less interest in doing that, many of them, if there is no potential for "more" on the table. Unless they are just popular service tops to begin with. I don't know. I'm still figuring it all out. Hell. Maybe I'll develop my skills in flogging and fire to the point where I can service top other people. *shrug*
Speaking of fire. We had the man who taught the top who burned me, doing a scene on Saturday night, and yeah...I saw the fire get out of his control. I would not play with him. I'm with Supernova on this one, he and those he teaches, I am skeptical of their safety as fire tops in general.
...
In other news, I enjoyed a lovely breakfast with Zen yesterday before he had to go to work, and I got a LOT of work done around my apartment. I had a storage unit's worth of boxed STUFF I needed to go through and properly stash away. So I got that done, and I'm really happy about it. This weekend felt very productive. Now I just have to try not to spend much money for the rest of the week, as I've already run myself over-budget for the timeframe ending this Friday, with the kid's glasses and all...
This might as well be the theme song to my life lately:
https://youtu.be/gFzg5kaU_2g
Spork
Active member
I just had an idea that I think is super clever.
So fire is scary on a very primitive level. And I should think that it would be too easy for a fire top to get in the groove but then something suddenly goes wrong, and instead of responding calmly and correctly, they panic.
I saw this Saturday. This stuck with me, that I heard/saw/felt a FWOOSH and turned my head, and the bottom had rolled toward the standing top, and flames were all over her side and down her back to a huge puddle of alcohol burning on the table behind her. The top was smacking ineffectively at the fire, and luckily a DM was able to run up with a wet towel and get her back and the table out.
What I saw was a panic response. If he'd done a wiping motion, it would have worked better...even better would have been to grab a wet towel (which should ALWAYS be near to hand when doing fireplay) and smothered the fire with it.
So I just suggested to the guy I know who teaches fire classes, to have students do "towel drills." At random and hopefully startling signals, they'd have to grab a wet towel, one handed (one hand is usually occupied with a wand) and "smother" a target area with it. Until it's reflex. Muscle memory.
I'm gonna start doing this somehow, myself.
See, I have what I think is a LOT of great knowledge and understanding of theory and technique, but I'm in no rush to start topping for fire, I'm not really much of a top anyways, but I most certainly want to be safe in anything I'm doing. I would rather do drills with a wet towel for a month, than jump into doing the fun and exciting stuff not feeling adequately safe and ready.
So fire is scary on a very primitive level. And I should think that it would be too easy for a fire top to get in the groove but then something suddenly goes wrong, and instead of responding calmly and correctly, they panic.
I saw this Saturday. This stuck with me, that I heard/saw/felt a FWOOSH and turned my head, and the bottom had rolled toward the standing top, and flames were all over her side and down her back to a huge puddle of alcohol burning on the table behind her. The top was smacking ineffectively at the fire, and luckily a DM was able to run up with a wet towel and get her back and the table out.
What I saw was a panic response. If he'd done a wiping motion, it would have worked better...even better would have been to grab a wet towel (which should ALWAYS be near to hand when doing fireplay) and smothered the fire with it.
So I just suggested to the guy I know who teaches fire classes, to have students do "towel drills." At random and hopefully startling signals, they'd have to grab a wet towel, one handed (one hand is usually occupied with a wand) and "smother" a target area with it. Until it's reflex. Muscle memory.
I'm gonna start doing this somehow, myself.
See, I have what I think is a LOT of great knowledge and understanding of theory and technique, but I'm in no rush to start topping for fire, I'm not really much of a top anyways, but I most certainly want to be safe in anything I'm doing. I would rather do drills with a wet towel for a month, than jump into doing the fun and exciting stuff not feeling adequately safe and ready.
Spork
Active member
my Grandpa is dying.
He's the last of my grandparents. He's in the hospital. Things are starting to shut down on him, and he caught pneumonia while he was there being treated for a digestive system that essentially tried to stop working. Well. They got that moving again, and he's being pumped full of antibiotics and stuff. But now, pneumonia for gods sakes. He is 87 years old. My Grandma, his wife, died about 2 years ago.
I'm supposed to call him this morning. I'm going to go do that here in a minute. I'm dreading it, and I feel awful for dreading it. I love my Grandpa a lot, but I know he is dying, but I can't say that, but I know. And he is unwell, and can't hear, and it's going to be a hard conversation anyways. And I want, if anything, to go there and just be physically present, to sit by his bedside and hold his hand so he knows I'm there. I feel like a phone call is bullshit. Meaningless bullshit. But I cannot afford a trip to Arkansas right now. I have no money, no ability to even borrow the money, things are just too damn tight. This sucks.
I get to go see Zen tonight at least, which is good, to take my mind off of this.
I hope my Mom is ok without him around anymore. They live in the middle of nowhere in Arkansas, and while she mostly takes care of him...he also does a lot of the work of keeping the property up, work I'm not sure she can do. I'm worried about all of this whole situation. And I really don't want to call, but I've got to call.
...
He's the last of my grandparents. He's in the hospital. Things are starting to shut down on him, and he caught pneumonia while he was there being treated for a digestive system that essentially tried to stop working. Well. They got that moving again, and he's being pumped full of antibiotics and stuff. But now, pneumonia for gods sakes. He is 87 years old. My Grandma, his wife, died about 2 years ago.
I'm supposed to call him this morning. I'm going to go do that here in a minute. I'm dreading it, and I feel awful for dreading it. I love my Grandpa a lot, but I know he is dying, but I can't say that, but I know. And he is unwell, and can't hear, and it's going to be a hard conversation anyways. And I want, if anything, to go there and just be physically present, to sit by his bedside and hold his hand so he knows I'm there. I feel like a phone call is bullshit. Meaningless bullshit. But I cannot afford a trip to Arkansas right now. I have no money, no ability to even borrow the money, things are just too damn tight. This sucks.
I get to go see Zen tonight at least, which is good, to take my mind off of this.
I hope my Mom is ok without him around anymore. They live in the middle of nowhere in Arkansas, and while she mostly takes care of him...he also does a lot of the work of keeping the property up, work I'm not sure she can do. I'm worried about all of this whole situation. And I really don't want to call, but I've got to call.
...
Spork
Active member
Well the phone call went better than I was afraid it might. He was lucid and felt well enough to talk for a few minutes. Then he had to go because he couldn't breathe easily and talking was getting too hard. He is on oxygen now.
Just wish I could be there with him.
When we were sure that Grandma was dying, she'd been fighting cancer so long and it was to the point where further treatments would do more harm than good, but she was still mobile (somewhat, and with a lot of help) I pulled out the stops, spared no expense, and I got my brothers and myself out there. I rented a very nice lodge on the White River for all of us to get together. Made sure she got to see all of her grandkids and great grandkids one more time. It was expensive as hell, but I have zero regrets about that.
But I can't do that now. I don't have the money or even the ability to borrow it, there's just nothing. But at least I called. He says he feels a little better than he did yesterday. He would like to hold on until his birthday at the end of November. I'm thinking if he gets well enough to even eat cake, Mom ought to bring him whatever cake is his favorite whether it's his birthday yet or not.
Just wish I could be there with him.
When we were sure that Grandma was dying, she'd been fighting cancer so long and it was to the point where further treatments would do more harm than good, but she was still mobile (somewhat, and with a lot of help) I pulled out the stops, spared no expense, and I got my brothers and myself out there. I rented a very nice lodge on the White River for all of us to get together. Made sure she got to see all of her grandkids and great grandkids one more time. It was expensive as hell, but I have zero regrets about that.
But I can't do that now. I don't have the money or even the ability to borrow it, there's just nothing. But at least I called. He says he feels a little better than he did yesterday. He would like to hold on until his birthday at the end of November. I'm thinking if he gets well enough to even eat cake, Mom ought to bring him whatever cake is his favorite whether it's his birthday yet or not.
Spork
Active member
Forgot to share the latest Q quotes and stories. He's always been kind of strange. He says unusual things. He is hilarious when he's being completely serious, but when he's trying to be funny, he usually isn't.
So he gets very dramatic if he loses something and he's sure that "someone STOLE it!" This has always been a thing. He has misplaced ("someone tried to steal") various possessions several times this school year. A wallet on the bus, a phone that fell out of a pocket...yet he's always recovered his stuff.
Yesterday it was his hat. And he was ranting and carrying on about how terrible are the people in his school, he hates them, and "THEIR ANCESTORS WERE THIEVES!"
Then later we are talking about life. He says something about his Dad is going to "go to Oregon and die in a bush." I raised an eyebrow and said, "in a bush?" and he said, "well yeah. Because his plans are shoddy."
Always remember, folks. Shoddy plans lead to dying in a bush.
So then I informed him that at least in some respects, his Dad had some pretty good plans in place, he's got a job lined up making good money. The part I question is that he's supposedly going to fix up Song's outbuilding...which I guess is more like a small barn, than a shed...and live in her backyard. Which seems like a questionable life choice to me.
And Q was like "Wait. Does she have a field?" I said, "No, not that I know of." And Q said, "Well I don't know how she has a barn, then. Like I'm picturing a farm with a barn, and some creepy homeless farmer guy with blood on him like hiding out in the barn. Is he going to ask her to live in her barn, or just sneak in there and hide, or what?"
I'm losing it by this point.
I said, "Would this be before, or after, he dies in a bush?"
Then I explained that they talk on the phone all the time, and they've planned this together. That his Dad is going to help do work on the building and make it more like a small guest house. He isn't going to be some weird creepy killer hiding in her barn for chrissakes. Nor do I expect him to die in a bush. So yeah. It's gonna be alright. But I don't think it's wise, because he still sort of thinks he can get in a fight with her boyfriend she's been with for like 20 years, and if he wins or whatever, then Song will be his woman or something. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.
Q: "It has not worked that way since ancient Greece."
I give up.
Spork
Active member
You know what?
I can't do this. I just can not.
If I think about this, too much, I will not be able to continue in my relationship.
I will become convinced that my lover has declared me less than human, like most of my society has. Deserving of no rights, no human or decent or civil treatment in the world.
If I think about this too much, I will not be able to continue to parent my child.
He is male. He doesn't understand because it's not his problem. He has the privilege that it will never be his problem. And he's growing up with a meme sucking video game generation that responds to this with, "trolololol y so triggerd." I do not wish to hate my own son. This is not his fault.
And I don't want to doubt the love of my man. It's been my lifeline.
I'm just so scared that everything is a lie. I've been defending the decency of "most men" and I now feel like I've been sold out for the hope of a golden toilet seat in every bathroom.
The only thing left to cling to is this:
I've been wrong.
I was wrong when I thought I could trust people to be decent and reasonable.
I was wrong when I thought there was no way Trump would win.
And maybe I'll be wrong about what he can accomplish while in office. Maybe I can just keep my head down and get through four years and the nightmare will not be so bad. God I hope I am wrong. I listened to my ex rant about Obama was gonna take his guns, and bring in UN troops, and a hundred other things and I thought he was crazy. I knew he was wrong.
I hope I am being crazy. Fuck I hope I am wrong.
In the meantime, I'm just here.
I can't do this. I just can not.
If I think about this, too much, I will not be able to continue in my relationship.
I will become convinced that my lover has declared me less than human, like most of my society has. Deserving of no rights, no human or decent or civil treatment in the world.
If I think about this too much, I will not be able to continue to parent my child.
He is male. He doesn't understand because it's not his problem. He has the privilege that it will never be his problem. And he's growing up with a meme sucking video game generation that responds to this with, "trolololol y so triggerd." I do not wish to hate my own son. This is not his fault.
And I don't want to doubt the love of my man. It's been my lifeline.
I'm just so scared that everything is a lie. I've been defending the decency of "most men" and I now feel like I've been sold out for the hope of a golden toilet seat in every bathroom.
The only thing left to cling to is this:
I've been wrong.
I was wrong when I thought I could trust people to be decent and reasonable.
I was wrong when I thought there was no way Trump would win.
And maybe I'll be wrong about what he can accomplish while in office. Maybe I can just keep my head down and get through four years and the nightmare will not be so bad. God I hope I am wrong. I listened to my ex rant about Obama was gonna take his guns, and bring in UN troops, and a hundred other things and I thought he was crazy. I knew he was wrong.
I hope I am being crazy. Fuck I hope I am wrong.
In the meantime, I'm just here.
Spork, I, too, hope you are.
In my country, we sadly have a president of perhaps similar moral qualities to Trump. Like, famous of insulting everyone around, coming drunk to ceremonies, pupulistic and blowing fog and deliberate lies to cover important issues and ignoring the agreed upon external politics.
Luckily in my country he doesn't get the power to do much more then that. So I just avoid news even more vigorously then I did. The worst thing is, he's the president of ...say, simple and conservative... people, as he promises social securities, and he's likely to be elected again, because there is no one candidate capable of uniting the other half of the population.
I guess the thing I want to say is, even those psychopaths can be kind of kept in check by people around them. Even they won't do what doesn't serve them - and while dismising "locker room talk" may serve trump, actually restricting womens rights wont. And even his words are balanced by other voices in your and your son's social bubble.
And most importantly, human ideals and virtues are not as easily destroyed by a single man. You yourself know how hard but at the same time easy detaching from the mainstream culture is. Basically anyone can cut watching presidental talks and strive to be better people if they wish too, and although it might be a minority of people - as there is always a minority of people caring more about virtues then convenience - this minority is not disheartened in their ways by 4 years of someone. I do think human consciousness and compassion is advancing in general, it's just, there are steps backwards in every advance.
I don't know if there's anything in there for you, I'm disappointed too and rambling, sorry.
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Spork
Active member
You ever seen a horribly frightened cat that tries to flatten itself to a floor?
That was a very visceral reaction this morning to the undeniable reality of what we were up against. And it blasted into every corner of my mind with horror, fear, and a sense that a majority of my nation's citizens have betrayed us all, and everything I hold dear, a common respect among us that is all that keeps America from a free for all, might makes right and bullies take all.
I was scared.
Now...the "I cannot breathe and feel I should hide beneath my desk" reaction has passed. There is a protective barrier between the most important of my relationships and my fears and responses...though initially I often feel that I should retreat, run abandon everything and hide, but I never do and I never have and I never would.
America is my home and I'm not going anywhere.
Zen is my love and deserves my trust. He has earned it and then some.
Q is my son and my responsibility, as is Ninja, and I won't back down from that job, nor let my troubles bring poison to my parenting.
Today. The sun is shining. I'm still breathing. It's all still here. I'm ok.
Tomorrow, I don't know.
Yesterday I saw Doctor Strange with Zen, in 3D, and that was super cool.
Gonna stop thinking now.
That was a very visceral reaction this morning to the undeniable reality of what we were up against. And it blasted into every corner of my mind with horror, fear, and a sense that a majority of my nation's citizens have betrayed us all, and everything I hold dear, a common respect among us that is all that keeps America from a free for all, might makes right and bullies take all.
I was scared.
Now...the "I cannot breathe and feel I should hide beneath my desk" reaction has passed. There is a protective barrier between the most important of my relationships and my fears and responses...though initially I often feel that I should retreat, run abandon everything and hide, but I never do and I never have and I never would.
America is my home and I'm not going anywhere.
Zen is my love and deserves my trust. He has earned it and then some.
Q is my son and my responsibility, as is Ninja, and I won't back down from that job, nor let my troubles bring poison to my parenting.
Today. The sun is shining. I'm still breathing. It's all still here. I'm ok.
Tomorrow, I don't know.
Yesterday I saw Doctor Strange with Zen, in 3D, and that was super cool.
Gonna stop thinking now.
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
Watched Dr. Strange yesterday as well with my husband. Went out to dinner after, had a nice evening, then it all went to hell.
Some movies I like to watch more than once. I don't think I'll be able to with this one, because I may viscerally associate it with last night.
I will somehow keep managing to watch anything Tilda Swinton is in though, because she's so awesome.
I keep trying to tell myself that many of those who voted for Trump were not really voting FOR him, but were voting AGAINST the "establishment" that failed them. Am I deluding myself? Maybe, but whatever gets me through the day.
Some movies I like to watch more than once. I don't think I'll be able to with this one, because I may viscerally associate it with last night.
I will somehow keep managing to watch anything Tilda Swinton is in though, because she's so awesome.
I keep trying to tell myself that many of those who voted for Trump were not really voting FOR him, but were voting AGAINST the "establishment" that failed them. Am I deluding myself? Maybe, but whatever gets me through the day.
Spork
Active member
I know that they were thinking that.
But that still upsets me because they felt that "shaking up" the situation or whatever was more important than issues that could destroy the quality of life in a real, day to day manner for actual people around them. I don't understand how anyone can live in a bubble where anyone who isn't them, doesn't matter.
Ugh.
Anyways. OMG. Tilda Swinton!! There is a super amaze-sauce Domme up in Denver who runs a venue that I am VERY fond of, and she looks actually somewhat like Tilda Swinton in Doctor Strange. And the resemblance goes beyond the bald head to something in her expression that I can't easily pin down, maybe her eyes, I don't know. I think she's a bit less delicate and a bit more intimidating, but in a fabulously exciting and erotic way, than Tilda Swinton. But yeah. The whole time I was watching that movie, I was thinking of her.
Spork
Active member
Best way to describe yesterday morning's panic/anxiety attack thing was me feeling that urge to run and/or hide, followed by a sense that I have to stop thinking and obsessing about this whole Trump business, or I'm not gonna be able to function. Like I had some weird visceral "you can no longer trust anyone or anything" feeling. I felt betrayed in ways that are hard to describe. Almost...betrayed by reality. And so horrified like I'm standing on the brink of global catastrophe of the kind that will be a major history-shaper forever, and I just wanted to live my life and now THIS is happening and I just don't know how to even cope.
It was very generalized. And very frightening.
It only took me a few hours in the morning to get myself more or less functional...still upset, disgusted...but I've had to really compartmentalize and put away some of my fears and feelings. And I'm still embracing distractions. Trying not to think about it too much or too hard.
It's hard when you want to see the people around you as reasonable adults and you are forced to confront the fact that a large percentage (some 47%, I believe?) of your countrymen are in fact nothing but schoolyard bullies. And they feel they have the rest of us...women, minorities, the weak and the marginalized...at their mercy. They are standing over us laughing now. That is what we are dealing with. And I have been told many times that the only thing a bully respects is force, and that someone needs to knock him down and make him cry and then he'll stop picking on others when he's forced to take his own lumps. Well I don't know.
But I think the rest of the world is pushing up its sleeves right now. I feel like the USA is about to be on the wrong side of history.
But the sun is still shining though.
And Zen still loves me, and I love him. Last night, though my energy levels were not as high as I might have liked, and I started winding down only a couple of hours into our sex-play, still it was much needed. And also we had tacos. And yummy sopapillas. Life is always better with tacos.
I'm trying really hard to just focus on the positive things, simple things, anything I can that doesn't tear me up. Still got a life to live and all, at least today.
It was very generalized. And very frightening.
It only took me a few hours in the morning to get myself more or less functional...still upset, disgusted...but I've had to really compartmentalize and put away some of my fears and feelings. And I'm still embracing distractions. Trying not to think about it too much or too hard.
It's hard when you want to see the people around you as reasonable adults and you are forced to confront the fact that a large percentage (some 47%, I believe?) of your countrymen are in fact nothing but schoolyard bullies. And they feel they have the rest of us...women, minorities, the weak and the marginalized...at their mercy. They are standing over us laughing now. That is what we are dealing with. And I have been told many times that the only thing a bully respects is force, and that someone needs to knock him down and make him cry and then he'll stop picking on others when he's forced to take his own lumps. Well I don't know.
But I think the rest of the world is pushing up its sleeves right now. I feel like the USA is about to be on the wrong side of history.
But the sun is still shining though.
And Zen still loves me, and I love him. Last night, though my energy levels were not as high as I might have liked, and I started winding down only a couple of hours into our sex-play, still it was much needed. And also we had tacos. And yummy sopapillas. Life is always better with tacos.
I'm trying really hard to just focus on the positive things, simple things, anything I can that doesn't tear me up. Still got a life to live and all, at least today.
Spork
Active member
I had not thought my percentage through. He got 47% of the vote. But many did not vote. Actually 27% of the population of eligible voters elected Trump.
That reassures me somewhat.
I am listening to piratey music and enjoying my subversive feelings.
I believe that enough Americans are very worried about how things are going to go....at least people have open eyes and skeptical minds. If Trump goes the way of Hitler, I think that a lot of people will rise up to oppose him.
But then there is the fact that the playbook Russia is following involves destabilizing America from within. The only way to fight that is to unite from within instead. Again, I am simply turning my back to those who are spouting hate right now. I'm ignoring them. The far, FAR more important thing to do is to figure out who your allies are, to grasp hands and heal divisions and form unified groups that can help each other. Today we start with sharing kindness, sticking up for each other against bigotry and abuse, and raising our voices for freedom and civil rights. And if the day comes that we must take that unified force and use it to repel tyranny, we will only do it if we are strong. And maybe if they are proven to have brought on disaster, some of those 27% will help repair the harm they have done.
I hope I am wrong. I hope things will be alright. Only time will tell.
Get ready, people. Be ready. Stay vigilant. Go high.
That reassures me somewhat.
I am listening to piratey music and enjoying my subversive feelings.
I believe that enough Americans are very worried about how things are going to go....at least people have open eyes and skeptical minds. If Trump goes the way of Hitler, I think that a lot of people will rise up to oppose him.
But then there is the fact that the playbook Russia is following involves destabilizing America from within. The only way to fight that is to unite from within instead. Again, I am simply turning my back to those who are spouting hate right now. I'm ignoring them. The far, FAR more important thing to do is to figure out who your allies are, to grasp hands and heal divisions and form unified groups that can help each other. Today we start with sharing kindness, sticking up for each other against bigotry and abuse, and raising our voices for freedom and civil rights. And if the day comes that we must take that unified force and use it to repel tyranny, we will only do it if we are strong. And maybe if they are proven to have brought on disaster, some of those 27% will help repair the harm they have done.
I hope I am wrong. I hope things will be alright. Only time will tell.
Get ready, people. Be ready. Stay vigilant. Go high.
Spork
Active member
Crap. I had really hoped that I had nothing going on and nowhere I needed to be, tonight. I was wrong.
I need to get my taxes printed off for last year (last two years?) to give to my son for FAFSA night tomorrow at his high school, and I have a discussion group I should probably go to after work. I've accepted an art commission (I'm not sure what I was thinking, since I've struggled to tap my art mojo for months, but whatever.) I need to get some supplies and get started on that, need to drop off some stuff at Goodwill, and need an oil change. I need to call my Mom. I spent the weekend busy-busy-busy for the most part, doing anything possible to keep my brain occupied, and yet there is still so much more to do.
I feel emotionally exhausted after last week. I don't want to talk or think anymore. I'm done arguing with people. I'm no longer interested in engaging people who "challenge" me right now, because I don't have the energy to fight. If that means I am a precious little snowflake who can't handle dissenting opinions, then fuck it, they can eat me, I don't care. I'm done.
And honestly I have limited capacity to even hold meaningful conversations with people I like, especially if I cannot focus on positive things. I need positive energy and I'm protecting myself from negative stuff at this particular time. My mode this weekend, although I had a few social engagements, was to work my ass off, staying very busy, and then I started a jigsaw puzzle while listening to good music. (May I just say...I love jigsaw puzzles, but have not done one in a whole lot of years. Doing this with a cat in the room adds a layer of challenge I have never known!)
I also had Game Night Friday night at Voodoo, where we played Cards Against Humanity. Late Saturday night, Zen came over and we hit the hot tub for a few minutes and then watched four episodes of The IT Crowd. Sunday, breakfast with Zen and then grocery shopping, and later a discussion group at another House in town. Analyst, Hefe, and Fire were there. It was good to see them.
And yet... following the shouting match with Old Wolf on Thursday night, where I implied that I care enough about my civil rights to stand up for them if need be, though I did not tell him my compassionate approach at present, or my plans...he sent me a text saying "be careful out there, your side has started playing with guns, shot one of their own last night."
(This is some news story he probably saw on Facebook, or some tinfoil hat site.)
And I thought, to myself, what the shit am I supposed to say to that? You know what? NOTHING, that's what. I just didn't respond.
And then he sent me a longer text demanding that I keep in mind my responsibility to raise my children and not take risks and keep myself safe.
So, failing to bait me once, he tried for a jab at my mothering.
I didn't respond to that one, either.
Then he threatened to call CPS to do a welfare check since I wasn't responding to him. That was this morning. I finally did respond and told him to shut the hell up. That just because I am not interested in being baited or discussing politics with him, doesn't mean that he gets to demand attention by disparaging my parenting. And that he has some nerve throwing stones and ought to check his glass house, since he sits around stoned every day obsessing over Song, and I asked if he had any idea what was going on with Ninja tomorrow night, as it was rather important, and if indeed he even saw his son's face at all in the last week or so? He said that wasn't fair, and no he didn't know about FAFSA night because "the kid never told him" and that he has been nothing but supportive of my relationship with Zen, so I had no right to criticize what he was doing with Song and it was unfair.
And I told him to remember who he was dealing with, and not to act like some kind of moral authority I had to answer to, unless he wanted the same treatment. Today I can't even sugar coat it, I hate that man. He can fuck off and die in a bush.
Unfortunately too though, all of my busying about all weekend caused me to forget to call my Mom on her birthday. She texted me late last night asking if I was ok, since it wasn't like me to forget her birthday. I texted back and told her about some of the work I was busy as hell doing but I still feel bad about it. I should have taken the time to call her, and I'll do that tonight. The god's honest truth is that I could have called her despite how busy I was, but I was too exhausted to talk.
I need to get my taxes printed off for last year (last two years?) to give to my son for FAFSA night tomorrow at his high school, and I have a discussion group I should probably go to after work. I've accepted an art commission (I'm not sure what I was thinking, since I've struggled to tap my art mojo for months, but whatever.) I need to get some supplies and get started on that, need to drop off some stuff at Goodwill, and need an oil change. I need to call my Mom. I spent the weekend busy-busy-busy for the most part, doing anything possible to keep my brain occupied, and yet there is still so much more to do.
I feel emotionally exhausted after last week. I don't want to talk or think anymore. I'm done arguing with people. I'm no longer interested in engaging people who "challenge" me right now, because I don't have the energy to fight. If that means I am a precious little snowflake who can't handle dissenting opinions, then fuck it, they can eat me, I don't care. I'm done.
And honestly I have limited capacity to even hold meaningful conversations with people I like, especially if I cannot focus on positive things. I need positive energy and I'm protecting myself from negative stuff at this particular time. My mode this weekend, although I had a few social engagements, was to work my ass off, staying very busy, and then I started a jigsaw puzzle while listening to good music. (May I just say...I love jigsaw puzzles, but have not done one in a whole lot of years. Doing this with a cat in the room adds a layer of challenge I have never known!)
I also had Game Night Friday night at Voodoo, where we played Cards Against Humanity. Late Saturday night, Zen came over and we hit the hot tub for a few minutes and then watched four episodes of The IT Crowd. Sunday, breakfast with Zen and then grocery shopping, and later a discussion group at another House in town. Analyst, Hefe, and Fire were there. It was good to see them.
And yet... following the shouting match with Old Wolf on Thursday night, where I implied that I care enough about my civil rights to stand up for them if need be, though I did not tell him my compassionate approach at present, or my plans...he sent me a text saying "be careful out there, your side has started playing with guns, shot one of their own last night."
(This is some news story he probably saw on Facebook, or some tinfoil hat site.)
And I thought, to myself, what the shit am I supposed to say to that? You know what? NOTHING, that's what. I just didn't respond.
And then he sent me a longer text demanding that I keep in mind my responsibility to raise my children and not take risks and keep myself safe.
So, failing to bait me once, he tried for a jab at my mothering.
I didn't respond to that one, either.
Then he threatened to call CPS to do a welfare check since I wasn't responding to him. That was this morning. I finally did respond and told him to shut the hell up. That just because I am not interested in being baited or discussing politics with him, doesn't mean that he gets to demand attention by disparaging my parenting. And that he has some nerve throwing stones and ought to check his glass house, since he sits around stoned every day obsessing over Song, and I asked if he had any idea what was going on with Ninja tomorrow night, as it was rather important, and if indeed he even saw his son's face at all in the last week or so? He said that wasn't fair, and no he didn't know about FAFSA night because "the kid never told him" and that he has been nothing but supportive of my relationship with Zen, so I had no right to criticize what he was doing with Song and it was unfair.
And I told him to remember who he was dealing with, and not to act like some kind of moral authority I had to answer to, unless he wanted the same treatment. Today I can't even sugar coat it, I hate that man. He can fuck off and die in a bush.
Unfortunately too though, all of my busying about all weekend caused me to forget to call my Mom on her birthday. She texted me late last night asking if I was ok, since it wasn't like me to forget her birthday. I texted back and told her about some of the work I was busy as hell doing but I still feel bad about it. I should have taken the time to call her, and I'll do that tonight. The god's honest truth is that I could have called her despite how busy I was, but I was too exhausted to talk.
Spork
Active member
Thanks! That's what I thought.
Well, I got a copy printed off, I'll run it down there tonight. And I got my oil change done. One thing at a time...
Don't know whether this would work for you, but the FAFSA can be completed online, and there's a way to link it to the IRS site so your tax information is auto-populated on the FAFSA. Saved us a ton of time doing Country's. (I think for this year's, I had to manually enter the tax info, but for the 2017-2018 school year one, which had to be done in October for some reason, I only had to click a couple of buttons and almost all the info was there.)
Spork
Active member
Well, I did my own when I went back to school, and it wasn't really that big a deal. But then I actually ENJOY doing moderately complex tax preparation. On paper. I'm weird that way.
But right now the thing is, the ex has committed to parenting this kid. The kid needs to learn some self-sufficiency skills. Tonight there is an event at his high school, reps from the college he wants to go to (it's a community college) will be there to help students with the steps involved. I'm stepping back from my typical tendency to jump in there and Do The Things (because I easily could)...so that those two can get their heads in the game and accomplish something. Thing is, I voted "no confidence" on anybody but me in that household ever getting anything done, but I never gave anyone much of a chance. It's always this assumption that:
-The thing will be easy for me, and I want to make sure it's done right.
-No one else will put the attention to detail in or do the Thing to my standards.
-It isn't right to expect anything of anyone. I can only expect anything of ME.
-It's only going to get me attitude and pushback if I even ask.
So I just did every damn thing, because getting anyone to cooperate was more trouble than it was worth to me.
And then deep down the whole time I was thinking "I would be so much better off on my own, not in the middle of a family dynamic." Even though in many ways I love being domestic and family oriented. I got so dispirited when no one volunteered to help and I never felt entitled to ask.
So due to all of that STUFF, I am actually having to make a really deliberate effort to step back, take my hands off the wheel, and let other people drive.
If they need my help, then they will ask for it...none of THEM seem to have a problem doing that.
In other news. My Grandpa is still alive as far as I know, but what I've heard is that he was hospitalized because his digestive system kind of tried to stop working. Or his bowels rather. They got that sorted. Then he caught pneumonia, because...hospital. He couldn't breathe and was put on oxygen. Then he started feeling a bit better from that, and now his kidneys are shutting down. Also, they took him off the anti-anxiety meds he'd been taking, so he's having panic attacks (because he's probably dying, and who can blame him, frankly) and he believes that he's having heart attacks. They will be doing some tests to see if there's anything wrong with his heart today, assuming he made it through the night (because my Mom has not called me.) He is 87 years old. It really sounds to me like one bodily system after another is going fluttery here, and I don't expect he'll be around much longer, though he wanted to make it to his birthday on 11/26. I adore my Grandpa. I wish I could be there with him. And he is the last of the older generation of my family, the one that I give a lot of credit for the raising of me, which includes my Grandparents and my Great-Aunt. It is hard to say goodbye, but at the same time...not. Because they are old, and it is sort of expected. It feels natural. Not like the sucker punch of losing a loved one at a younger age or unexpectedly. So, I'm sad, I'm restless and unhappy that I cannot get to Arkansas to be with him and my Mom, and I'm a bit out of sorts. But at the same time, I'm still able to keep busy and functional and I don't feel remotely like I'm going to fall apart or anything. I'm very...ok.
And I'm still full of love for Zen, we had our first year as an intimate/sexual couple fall on Sunday. I realized yesterday, because I'd noted it on my calendar...I write everything on there, it's a mess of scribbles... I told him, I'm not really a "you MUST remember ALL days that could remotely be considered special, or else!" kind of a gal. Mostly because I am likely to forget stuff myself. But I just noticed and wanted to say how much I loved him and am so happy he's in my life. I really cannot believe my good fortune sometimes at having such a wonderful man to love, and be loved by. I've never met anyone like him.
And work continues on the puzzle, despite my cat's determined efforts to disrupt the whole thing. It's too cute to be really upsetting, you know? My fluffy little villain popping up on a chair and sneak-stealing a piece with a rascally little paw, or hopping up and trying to sprawl out on top of the puzzle. I wish my camera on my phone were not damaged and took decent pictures, he's really adorable even when he's up to no good...
But right now the thing is, the ex has committed to parenting this kid. The kid needs to learn some self-sufficiency skills. Tonight there is an event at his high school, reps from the college he wants to go to (it's a community college) will be there to help students with the steps involved. I'm stepping back from my typical tendency to jump in there and Do The Things (because I easily could)...so that those two can get their heads in the game and accomplish something. Thing is, I voted "no confidence" on anybody but me in that household ever getting anything done, but I never gave anyone much of a chance. It's always this assumption that:
-The thing will be easy for me, and I want to make sure it's done right.
-No one else will put the attention to detail in or do the Thing to my standards.
-It isn't right to expect anything of anyone. I can only expect anything of ME.
-It's only going to get me attitude and pushback if I even ask.
So I just did every damn thing, because getting anyone to cooperate was more trouble than it was worth to me.
And then deep down the whole time I was thinking "I would be so much better off on my own, not in the middle of a family dynamic." Even though in many ways I love being domestic and family oriented. I got so dispirited when no one volunteered to help and I never felt entitled to ask.
So due to all of that STUFF, I am actually having to make a really deliberate effort to step back, take my hands off the wheel, and let other people drive.
If they need my help, then they will ask for it...none of THEM seem to have a problem doing that.
In other news. My Grandpa is still alive as far as I know, but what I've heard is that he was hospitalized because his digestive system kind of tried to stop working. Or his bowels rather. They got that sorted. Then he caught pneumonia, because...hospital. He couldn't breathe and was put on oxygen. Then he started feeling a bit better from that, and now his kidneys are shutting down. Also, they took him off the anti-anxiety meds he'd been taking, so he's having panic attacks (because he's probably dying, and who can blame him, frankly) and he believes that he's having heart attacks. They will be doing some tests to see if there's anything wrong with his heart today, assuming he made it through the night (because my Mom has not called me.) He is 87 years old. It really sounds to me like one bodily system after another is going fluttery here, and I don't expect he'll be around much longer, though he wanted to make it to his birthday on 11/26. I adore my Grandpa. I wish I could be there with him. And he is the last of the older generation of my family, the one that I give a lot of credit for the raising of me, which includes my Grandparents and my Great-Aunt. It is hard to say goodbye, but at the same time...not. Because they are old, and it is sort of expected. It feels natural. Not like the sucker punch of losing a loved one at a younger age or unexpectedly. So, I'm sad, I'm restless and unhappy that I cannot get to Arkansas to be with him and my Mom, and I'm a bit out of sorts. But at the same time, I'm still able to keep busy and functional and I don't feel remotely like I'm going to fall apart or anything. I'm very...ok.
And I'm still full of love for Zen, we had our first year as an intimate/sexual couple fall on Sunday. I realized yesterday, because I'd noted it on my calendar...I write everything on there, it's a mess of scribbles... I told him, I'm not really a "you MUST remember ALL days that could remotely be considered special, or else!" kind of a gal. Mostly because I am likely to forget stuff myself. But I just noticed and wanted to say how much I loved him and am so happy he's in my life. I really cannot believe my good fortune sometimes at having such a wonderful man to love, and be loved by. I've never met anyone like him.
And work continues on the puzzle, despite my cat's determined efforts to disrupt the whole thing. It's too cute to be really upsetting, you know? My fluffy little villain popping up on a chair and sneak-stealing a piece with a rascally little paw, or hopping up and trying to sprawl out on top of the puzzle. I wish my camera on my phone were not damaged and took decent pictures, he's really adorable even when he's up to no good...
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