So I woke up yesterday afternoon, I posted here shortly after I awoke so it was about 2:00 or so. And I got a hold of Zen, who didn't have to go in to work until 6pm and asked what he was up to. He seemed eager to get together with me and concerned about how I was feeling, so I had him come over and we went to Cracker Barrel. I was definitely feeling it for some hot southern comfort food. I had chicken & dumplings. Mmm.
Got my dishes done and my laundry put away, but otherwise mostly relaxed and took it easy.
I am feeling a LOT better. I wouldn't say my symptoms and discomfort are 100% gone, but I went from severely miserable to only mildly off-kilter, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the mend. I also feel fairly certain that it was going over to Old Wolf's house and smoking a bunch of cigarettes on Saturday, that did this to me. So, no more of that! I was prepared to forgive myself breaking my quit when I was around him, so long as it was ONLY under those circumstances...but if it's going to make me sick, forget it!
At this point, the congestion seems almost gone, the pain is very mild if it's there at all, and the worst thing I'm dealing with is that my senses of taste and smell are dull. Obviously I REALLY hope that this part clears up by Thanksgiving!
But compared to yesterday morning, where I felt like I was holding my head together with my hands, lest half of my face fall off...this is practically nothing.
Speaking of Thanksgiving. I am cooking, and having both of my kids and Zen over. I felt obligated to offer to do this at Old Wolf's house and include him and the boys, as a first option, and he said he did not want to participate in a family holiday and he knew he wouldn't be good company, so I might as well do it at my place. Well, I am fine with that. I'll cook up a bunch of good stuff and we'll have a feast.
I suspected he might say something like that, Old Wolf has generally refused to participate in holiday activities. He has been singularly sullen and ill tempered about it, says he has nothing good to offer anyone, and no spirit for fun. Well. The chapter of my life that involves dealing with him is coming to a close. I've seen how he is with his exes. When he no longer has any reason to interact with me, when he has paid his debts and cut his ties, I won't hear from him much anymore. He won't be there to help co-parent our younger son. He won't be a feature in my life in any way, unless he needs something, like a copy of an old tax filing, or something like that.
And that is probably for the best.
But him not getting time with the boys, and the boys not getting time with their father, well it won't be because I was an obstacle or didn't make the offer to facilitate and help that happen. So I offer.
Anyways. It's got me thinking about Zen and about the future and stuff. The love I have for him is deep and good and true. When I married Old Wolf, it was for practical reasons. I don't necessarily regret it because frankly, I'm a practical person, or so I like to think. It made good business sense at the time. But I know when I spoke the vows that I wasn't speaking from a place of feeling or a place of truth. And I felt guilty for that, as I felt guilty for the fact that I was not really in love with him in the first place...what Old Wolf felt for me wasn't something I could ever give him in return. I was just making the best of the lot I felt I was given to live with. And despite how we "made dysfunctional functional" as he puts it, for a long time, nothing about it was healthy.
I take away from this...while I forgive myself because I really was trying to be unselfish and do what I thought was best for others in that situation, no one should make such vows when deep down, they don't believe them. A good marriage doesn't start with a lie, no matter how noble the intent of the liar.
As I am looking at what I hope will be my next (maybe last) long term relationship, I am thinking about what mistakes I have made in the past. I am feeling the need to be honest with myself and not screw this up. Because I really do feel that Zen is precious and unique and that this is a once in a lifetime kind of love. My whole life I looked at marriage as a business contract, and couldn't understand how anyone would contemplate it on account of something so nebulous as "love" and "feeling." Now, I begin to understand. I don't know if Zen would want to marry me some day, but I find myself thinking that it would be a lovely thing to do, to make a commitment that is more about my heart than my tax filing status. I find myself thinking that if he wanted to one day, well, I think I would, and if I did, well, it would be for the right reasons, and that would be really great.
We talked a bit yesterday about how things are with my son, Q. Zen will likely read this, so this is also me communicating more effectively in writing than I do verbally...(Hello, sweetie!)...but the space is good to process my brainstuff and I don't think it hurts to get other perspectives either if anyone wants to offer them.
Q is doing the teenager thing of making himself scarce as much as possible. Grownups don't know nothin' and we're not cool, and whatever we think is cool isn't cool, because we might as well have grown up on another planet, breakdancing with dinosaurs at the disco or whatever lame shit we did, that clearly today's sophisticated youth would never dream of stooping to. He is happy to be left alone in his room with his vines and memes and Youtube videos of other people playing video games. It's all very normal teenager stuff. My role is to pop in on him from time to time, remind him of stuff he needs to do, be there for him if he needs to talk about something, and strike a balance between giving him a decent amount of what he needs and wants...but not everything he wants all the time... And occasionally, whether he likes it or not, force him out of his room to go DO something in the real world. Even if it's just going to the grocery store, or taking a walk. Meanwhile when he does something like an orchestra concert or a soccer game, I make every effort possible to be there and to be proud of him and congratulate him on a job well done.
And mostly that's all there is to it. He isn't into drugs or bringing shady characters around, he's not hell on wheels like some teenagers, he's pretty easy really.
The only thing I can imagine getting tricky...is should Zen and I live together, and he feels I am not parenting with enough strictness (honestly I probably don't) or if he hears Q speak disrespectfully to me (which occasionally he does, but I dress him down for it when I need to.) It is a natural response of "man in the house" to feel the need to step in and do something about these kinds of situations. And that can bring some tension into the picture. But...Zen is not the typical man. And I've come to realize that in many cases I cannot assume he'll react to things in the way I'd expect other men I have known, to do.
Besides which...there are all of 3.5 years on the clock until the kid graduates high school. At which point, frankly, while I'd still like to be supportive of my sons past their age of majority and all, there are limits to that. I've done my time. I won't be raising my grandkids for them, and they are NOT welcome to live with me until they're 35. I will have different priorities in the next phase of my life...and I'm hoping that an ongoing relationship with Zen will be one of the most significant of those.
It's my thinking that it's only a matter of timing, as far as living together is concerned. Jump in next March, or wait another year? I'm not pushing, I'm just willing and interested. I love what we are doing now. We could keep doing that, and I'd be happy. It is the safer choice, probably, for a while. But I think that there is much benefit to combining our resources to get something better than what either of us could do alone, though, too. Mostly I just like thinking about it, maybe I am a bit of a dreamer.
Well, I'm gonna go dream up some Thanksgiving dinner plans...it's gonna be a hell of a feast, especially for such a small kitchen...my only regret is that my apartment is so limited in space to comfortably spread out and eat...but we'll figure it out, even if I have to rearrange furniture!
