The story of Spork.

[Spork]

Well, pushing forward, ya know. Whatever I was feeling physically or emotionally, my response has been "Grrrr...I don't have time for this! GO!!" But I did make time (thanks mostly to Zen) for some relaxation, eating proper food, and social time this weekend. I'm still stressed about getting all of the moving done in time, I want to hurry the heck up and be done with my apartment so that I can focus entirely on helping Zen get out of his place in time. I've already got everything that Ninja wants to keep from the friend's place in the south side of town, and everything out of my storage unit that I want to keep in the place. So now it's down to finishing clearing out the two old residences in the next 12 days. And Zen doesn't have a whole ton of time off, so I'm a little anxious about helping him whenever I can. At least...I'd say a good 90% of what I own is out of the apartment. All of the furniture is moved out of all of the places. Now it's just STUFF. And I've been keeping up with unpacking as things come over to the new place, so we aren't buried in boxes and whatnot. And keeping the new place clean as I go, too, for the most part. I haven't found time to vacuum or anything, but I've kept up with dishes, laundry, litterbox, trash.

I'm a bit frustrated with my teenagers. I don't know how to get more effort out of them. I would like more help from them, at least around the house, and definitely more effort on the life goals such as grades for the youngest, and getting a job in the case of the oldest...but I don't have time to ride them and nag them and yell at them constantly, and it seems like that's what it would take. They're perfectly happy to spend all of their time on their video games if I don't.

As for my stress over Old Wolf, that's fading out some. I mean, I really don't imagine I'll ever feel 100% safe with him in my world, especially living in the same city. But I love it here and I don't want to leave just to get away from him, certainly not now and really not ever. But living in fear of him is a bit like living in fear of nuclear war or a natural disaster. Sure, something bad could happen...but you can't go through life freaking out about it. You've just got to live and hope you'll see tomorrow and the next day. My worry has mostly been that he seriously thinks that his misery and all of his bad fortune are women's fault in general and mine in particular, and he's paranoid that I'll "do something to make his life more difficult" so I am imagining him concocting theories that any time he fails at anything, I've done something behind the scenes to scuttle him. And he says he hopes "bad things happen to me" as "karma" for all the pain I've caused him. So like, what happens if he keeps waiting on the sidelines for the wreck and ruin he thinks I deserve, and it doesn't happen on its own, is he going to take a hand in it, eventually? I just don't know.

Like at one point a long time ago, I had told him that I felt he'd created this ideal of what he wanted, the woman who meets all his needs, and took the unformed clay of my 18 year old self and tried to squish me into it, and he never saw me for who I really was, and after enough years of this I barely even knew who I was anymore. He twisted that in his mind to mean, "I only ever loved an illusion. My whole marriage was a lie. I thought I was married to an honorable, loving, GOOD woman, but she was really a lying betrayer like all other females, just waiting to trade me in for a better deal, to throw me away like every other woman all the way back to the one who gave birth to me. I never even knew you, and the woman I loved never even existed." Like me trying to say he held me to impossible standards and eroded my sense of self, is turned around in his mind to where he is the victim of deceit. That's how he is. And sure, there were times I lied to him, but not to the extent or in the ways he now imagines, and generally only because I felt unsafe around his anger. That, too he twists around, saying I just can't handle being "accountable for my actions." Well if that means getting shot, or having my small kids turned from me and taken from me just for spite and to hurt me, no...those are consequences I won't accept, not for anything I might have done. For one, because I never did anything bad enough to deserve them. For another, because he's not some sort of a hand-of-god authority figure to punish me for my sins, much as he's tried to be since the very damn beginning, forcing me to live by his notions of right and wrong. As for him, he isn't accountable for anything himself, he's said and done some incredibly cruel and blind and self-centered and awful things to me and our sons, and whenever I mention those to him, he just brushes them aside with, "Well, I was in a dark place then" or "Don't hold me to my past." Anyone else deserves his punishment for anything he doesn't like...but he can't be called to account for anything at all.

Of course, as I repeated like a mantra when we met, none of it matters anymore. Not what happened during, or after, our marriage. Not his judgments upon my life or his opinion of me. He wants to cut me out of his world, and tell all of his friends I'm some sort of a monster, that's alright. I don't need his friends and I don't want anything to do with him. So long as he doesn't get mad that the supposed justice for his supposed wrongs doesn't seem to be manifesting itself to his satisfaction, I'll be just fine.

Of course it still hurts some, that a man who professed such devotion to me has turned on me so hard now that I'm not his anymore. But I kind of always knew he would. We were just that codependent, I knew if I withdrew myself from the role of meeting his needs, he'd become hostile to me. It was one of many reasons I tried so hard to keep us together, at least until the kids weren't in the middle of it. Oh fucking well.

I need to find a way to stop thinking about these things. It does me no good.

I'm feeling very capable and very awesome today for all the stuff I accomplished over the weekend, and I still got to spend a lot of excellent time with my Zen, making love and snuggling, watching a movie, and playing Fibbage at game night and all. And I have no social engagements at all in the evenings this week, beyond meeting with Fire and Hefe and others at a kava bar downtown tonight after work, so there should be plenty of time for us and for working on the moving stuff. I think after I'm done there tonight, I'll hit up the old apartment and work on clearing it out, if there is time...

 

[Spork]

I got a bunch of stuff stashed in storage and I got a load of stuff out of the apartment yesterday. Still a few odds and ends there, but not much, and I still need to take stuff off the walls. I am pretty sure I can get that done today. It would be awesome if, by the time I am done today, I have it all the way down to where it just needs cleaned, and then my cleaning supplies taken out, and then I could do that tomorrow and be completely done with the apartment. I am really that close, and it's awesome. I think I'll have it clear for sure by the end of this week.

Then I can help Zen. I am hoping maybe he'll let me dig around in his kitchen, I think that we could actually use some (maybe quite a bit) of his dishes. Then he wouldn't need to store them. And while he might not be comfortable with me handling and packing a lot of his personal things, stuff he's spent his life collecting, maybe letting me do so with the dishes wouldn't be too hard.

I kind of wish I could take another day off work. Maybe I should. Like Friday perhaps, since Zen has off this Friday.

Q's birthday is coming up on the 30th, he is turning 16, and I need to figure out what we're doing. There is an activity that tempts me and I know he'd love it...but the problem is that it would be costly, and I cannot really afford to blow a whole bunch of money, and also that he truly has not earned anything too extravagant. I think I am going to have to intervene where his Honors classes are concerned. He decided not to drop Honors English, even though the work in that class makes it very difficult for him, because he says that the regular class is packed, and it's full of disruptive kids. He really gets upset when he's surrounded by students who are acting up, although he's hardly been a complete angel himself over the years. The Honors class is a smaller class size and it's quiet, and he likes that. So...not English, I guess? And he doesn't want to drop Biology, he loves science. And he was seriously considering dropping History, but the other teacher did not cooperate, so he gave up (too easily by far, in my opinion.) He hasn't said anything about Geometry. At least he's doing just fine in his other classes, his electives, Video Production, Weight Training, and Orchestra. I'm worried about him, though...if the situation has not improved significantly by the time parent teacher conferences comes, I will definitely be trying to take some sort of action.

The allergy/sinus situation is actually improving, quite a lot. I am having more and more times where my nose is actually clear and I can breathe and that's pretty awesome. I started feeling a bit off, when we were all at the kava bar last night. A little headachy and just...not quite right but in hard to describe ways. I left around 7:30 and by the time I got home, I was in serious pain in my back and my belly and hips, all at the same time. The belly I think was just a sort of gas or indigestion issue, but my back...that was bad. I unloaded the van of the stuff from the apartment anyways, just pushed through it, but then I took it easy when I was unpacking. Just doing a little and then resting. The belly got better eventually, the back pain still comes and goes, my hips are fairly ok now. The pain in my hips I think is a combination of all the moving and carrying up and down stairs, and sitting all day at work.

So it was really nice meeting Fire's sister. She has traveled quite a lot internationally, which is pretty amazing. And I managed to avoid the nasty kava and got a proper hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon, and that was nice. I guess Fire is going to be out of town a lot next month. I'm kind of glad she's getting away from some things here that have been stressful for her lately, but I wish that she weren't (for at least one of her planned destinations) dealing with a family situation that is bound to be stressful too. I'll miss her. Heck I already do. Wish I weren't so busy trying to get this move done, I want to spend more time with her.

All the more reason to keep on putting in the effort, I suppose, to get the job done before the end of the month.

So I was thinking about hanging my Vigo poster in a big space that is way up high above my front door, in the new place...I have even arranged to borrow a ladder. But I'm rethinking this now. I am imagining it in another spot where I think I like it better, mostly because of how it will shift the color balance from being so very dark in a particular part of the living room, and also because I am not going to have a ton of huge pieces to hang in the foyer, so either I go minimal in that space, or I find MORE stuff to hang there...minimal is going to be an awful lot easier. And no one spends very much time in the foyer anyhow, so it's not like people will get to admire Vigo much if he's out there...

 

[Spork]

Well, I did not do the things yesterday like I was fired up to do. I needed to stop at the store, and Q texted me a whole shopping list of stuff I needed to get and a book for his English class, and then I was starving... I ended up at home just unpacking and stuff, not running around to the old apartment.

I still hope to put some serious work in today, but we'll see. The way today is going, I think I need to not make plans I expect to try and keep.

I had an upset stomach this morning, but that passed and I made it in to work. Then got a call a little while ago from Zen, that the hot water heater has begun to leak aggressively from two places, and water is getting under the wall and into his room. Fortunately it's a side of the room where he doesn't have valuable and precious collectibles stashed, but the carpet is soaked a good five feet in. So, emergency maintenance call to the property management, and I'm waiting to hear back from them. The guy says they tend to have a quick turnaround on this kind of issue, so I am waiting anxiously with my phone sitting right here, ready to leave work and go deal with this as soon as I hear something.

On a far more amusing note, I just got a text from Q saying that his phone turned on in his pocket and started playing "Careless Whisper" at high volume in the middle of class. I am questioning why that song is even on his phone in some way that it could just start playing like that, you would not think it would be the listening choice of a 15 year old, but whatever. I laughed, and I hope he doesn't get in trouble.

Is it Mercury retrograde or what?

With any luck we get this hot water heater situation squared away today, and I can get on with my moving efforts tonight as I had planned...

 

[Spork]

So the hot water heater situation is getting wrapped up. We had the people come with "air movers" and a huge dehumidifier to dry out the carpet, and Zen has not had use of his room the last couple of days, which SUCKS but he's coping. We had the hot water heater replaced the same evening. It basically just aged to the point where it rusted out and failed in multiple places. While this was not a fun experience for any of us, Zen and I are well aware of the ways it could have sucked worse. Like if any of his very important belongings had been damaged or destroyed, or if he hadn't caught it when he did and he came home from work in the middle of the night to a completely flooded room. So unpleasant as it's been, we're still grateful it wasn't worse.

The carpet should be done drying today and they'll get the equipment out of there, and Zen can start putting things back together.

That same day, although the hot water heater replacement job wasn't done until nearly 8pm, I was bound and determined to do what I'd mentally committed myself to doing, which was to go clear out the remainder of my belongings from the old apartment. I wasn't done with that job until nearly 11pm and I was seriously exhausted. But everything is off the walls, all the stuff is moved, most of it just got stashed in the garage for the moment at the new place because a.) I was too tired to do better than that, b.) we don't have use of the garage for parking at the moment since the door is not working, and c.) the place is kind of chaos at the moment with stuff shifted to make way for the guys to deal with the water issue. So I have a pile in the garage I'm just slowly chipping away at.

Last night I got the wall stuff all hung up in the living room. Tonight I help Zen with getting his stuff cleared out of his place, and tomorrow too. He's got one week to be out of there and done, so we will have some hard work ahead of us to accomplish that. Then at some point early next week I will clean my old place and be done there, too. We are approaching the finish line with this move...

In health related news, I've been trying to eat and sleep a bit more responsibly and my allergies, while still annoying, are waning. I think it's ragweed that gets me, at least pollen.com says ragweed counts have been high. But I'm having more and more moments where I can actually breathe through my nose, and occasionally even have a sense of smell, and wow that's pretty cool after the last...what...month, month and a half?...of suffering. I am, in general, feeling better. My back hurts sometimes, but that's like...being an adult and having a back, let alone all the lifting, moving, and trudging up and down stairs I've been up to. It'd be weird if my back did not hurt.

Yesterday was so blessedly uneventful and boring. And after the day I'd had previously, I needed that...

 

[icesong]

On a far more amusing note, I just got a text from Q saying that his phone turned on in his pocket and started playing "Careless Whisper" at high volume in the middle of class. I am questioning why that song is even on his phone in some way that it could just start playing like that, you would not think it would be the listening choice of a 15 year old, but whatever. I laughed, and I hope he doesn't get in trouble.

Maybe it was the Seether cover, which I've heard on the radio a few times so I could see it being on a 15 year old's phone...

 

[Spork]

Maybe it was the Seether cover, which I've heard on the radio a few times so I could see it being on a 15 year old's phone...

That would make more sense. I don't listen to radio, so I have no idea what the kids are into these days.

 

[Leetah]

Allergies, like most physical problems, can be exacerbated by stress. Not that you have had much ability to avoid it lately!

Ventris

 

[Spork]

Allergies, like most physical problems, can be exacerbated by stress. Not that you have had much ability to avoid it lately!

Ventris

Well, stress or no stress, and I'm not sure when in life I've been completely stress free (is anyone?) allergies are something I struggle with every single year in the fall. Some years are worse than others, but it's been part of my life since early adolescence if not beyond, at least that's when I remember secondary sinus infections starting to get me during the fall season, too.

Oddly, though, while I recall that as a pre-teen and a teenager, if I got a sinus infection it hurt horribly, as an adult when I get them I'm usually not in any pain. I can have all the other symptoms but the old headache I used to get isn't part of it anymore. I have wondered if the severity of the infections I had back then could have caused permanent nerve damage to the point where I just cannot feel that specific kind of pain...?

And as the temperatures are really starting to drop here, the allergies are getting better. When we reach the point where it starts frosting up at night, is usually when I'm pretty much in the clear.

So this was an eventful weekend. I feel like we got a lot done. I still need to clean my old apartment, but that's it there. I've been decorating the heck out of the new place and it is looking lovely. I'm nearly done with the main level, putting stuff on walls and making it home. I should get some pictures sometime. Soon I'll start hanging stuff up in my bedroom and upstairs.

As for Zen's old place, I was there on Friday and Saturday and packed up his kitchen, and we hauled probably 30 plastic tubs (if I had to guess) out of his crawlspace and got them stashed in his storage unit. He feels good about being able to get the rest of his stuff out by the end of the week...I just wish our schedules aligned a bit better so that I could help him more.

The hot water heater/downstairs carpet situation seems to be resolved now. They had all of these big machines to get the water out of the carpet, and they came out Saturday when it was finally dry and put it all back together...and then cleaned it, which...made it wet again... Yeah, that seemed a bit odd, but there ya have it. Finally everything's dried out though and Zen can start reconstructing his bedroom. He's happy to have his bed back, he was trying to sleep on my couch. But he is a really light sleeper and he wasn't getting good rest. And speaking of which... This morning I was getting ready in my room, and Q was showering, and I kept hearing these loud noises, and I thought he was dropping the soap or some other object in the tub, that's what it sounded like. Once, twice, three...four...FIVE TIMES? Jesus kid, are you seriously THAT clumsy??

Later I went to go downstairs, and saw, to my dismay, the cat had that awesome compressed catnip ball, in the foyer on the linoleum floor, where he had doubtless been slinging it around, and I'm pretty sure that's what I heard. If Zen managed to sleep through all that racket, I'd be shocked. It wasn't so bad when I thought it was happening all the way upstairs, but that's an area where you can really hear noises down in Zen's space. I know he sleeps with earplugs in these days (and he says that works well) but still... I have to try and make sure that toy stays in a carpeted area or something. Jeez. Well at least my son doesn't have a near-terminal case of clumsiness, I was wondering wtf was going on.

 

[Spork]

Well Q was sick yesterday and I think I'm sick today. He was so bad he had to get picked up from school. I'm...trying to cope, get through my day here if I can. Got an upset stomach and some chills that are really rather unpleasant. I think we might have a bit of a bug going around, or else we both ate the same problematic foodstuff which is also always possible. And I am so...so, so tired. It doesn't help that the weather is cold and wet today. I just want to make a nest out of blankets and crawl back into it and sleep. I was sorely tempted to call in to work today. I might leave early. But I'm doing what I always tell my boys to do, which is "do your best, try to get through your day."

I've got so much other work to do, too, that I don't really have time to indulge my fantasies of blanket nests and long naps with the cat. I've got to hurry up and get my old apartment cleaned, and figure out if they need to do any sort of a walkthrough of it with me sometime later this week. And I have other things on my radar as well. I'm skipping out on all of the activities at the club, there's a party this Saturday night I hate to miss, but Zen has to work and I don't really much care to go without him...and I truly want to get my home in order.

 

[Spork]

I'm glad I didn't wimp out and leave work early. I am feeling much better. And the sun is even coming out a bit! Yay, that!

I ran to my old apartment on my lunch and got started on the cleaning. The place isn't really that bad but I'm a perfectionist, so I'll be spackling and touching up every nail hole, scrubbing all the things, vacuuming and such. Replacing the drip pans...man I love that you can just let those things get dirty and buy new ones once in a while, or when you move, since they're pretty cheap. So I hosed down the bathroom with bleachy spray and shut the door, that can sit a while, and got crackin' on cleaning windows, and I'll go back later tonight and work more. I hope to have it all done today and tomorrow, squeezed in among my other commitments.

And I want and need more sexytime with my Zen. Busy life stuff has piled on, to the point where we've simmered down our activities some, and I want to keep that part of our lives hoppin' and fun. It's really one of the reasons I have felt so absolutely driven to get this move done with and the new place all set up and everything. I feel like this is the stress and source of my general fatigue and busyness now, if I can just push through it, I'll be free of it, and I can direct my time and energy where I want to. Which is to say, having fantastic sex with Zen, driving my sons in the right directions, doing better by my social commitments, and god maybe even taking a walk now and then...

 

[Spork]

Yay, the apartment cleaning is done! It's as perfect as I can manage. I guess if I'd bought some stronger chemicals and some steel wool, I might have got the oven more clean than I did, but it wasn't terrible. Like, there are a few stains, but no crud, in there.

Now I can call the office and see if they need to do a walkthrough or anything, and turn in my keys and stuff. I think I'll try and set that up for tomorrow since the office is open on Saturdays.

I am fighting the urge to go to Michael's on my lunch. It's like...they have stuff on sale, stuff I would like to own, but stuff I really don't NEED. I keep reminding myself after looking at all of the "SAVE 60%" emails I keep getting, that I will save 100% if I don't go in there at all. LOL I'm proud of myself for avoiding Spirit Halloween as well as I have...

So my younger son, Q, turns 16 tomorrow! And Ninja is going to an introductory class at the college, so maybe we're finally going to see some progress there.

I'm super tired. I'm just so glad, my only plans after work today are going home and doing my regular housework and continuing work on decorating and unpacking the old place. And the unpacking really isn't much because we just have a bit of stuff in the garage for me to deal with.

Now we just need to get Zen's stuff all moved out of his old place, and we'll be on the right track. I'd love to see that job done this weekend but we'll see. I know Zen wants to spend some time relaxing and I agree that would be very nice...but I'd also like to not squander our opportunity to work together on clearing out his place, either...so... We will do what we can.

Anyways, my new home is lovely. I really love my stuff, my cool things on the walls and my pretty things on the shelves and my gargoyles and my new salt lamps and just...all the things make me happy to be there. And now I have some of Zen's things to work with too, and I've hung a few of the beautiful art pieces he's collected in among my things, and he is really making the basement his own with the fun and interesting erotic art he finds. I'm excited because my present project is, I've got all these collections of stickers and backstage passes and ticket stubs and concert flyers and such...they're really cool things (mostly GWAR things) but I've not known what to do with them, other than to hoard them in a drawer. I don't want to peel and stick the stickers because I worry that I'll somehow lose the thing they are stuck on, when I want to keep the stickers...which is what happened with my old minivan... But I finally figured it out. I have these big poster frames, and I've created a black background surface (paint, modpodge, over the paper that came in the frame when I bought it) and I'm making sticker/stub/flyer collages. I'm just using removable glue dots and sticking them in there without permanently affixing them. So if I ever decided I needed to do something else with any of those stickers, I could. But this is a great way to display a rather large collection I've had for a long, long time.

 

[Spork]

Was just talking to a coworker about how happy I am with my new place and how I've got it decorated with the pretty things and the nice light and the soft floofy lambskin rugs...remembered she is a vegan...awkward...

 

[Spork]

So I forgot to mention earlier, I met someone at a discussion group earlier this week, and I really really hope she turns up at more stuff and I have some time to see if anything can go anywhere... Well. Ok to be fair? On the one hand, I think she is sexy and she seems very smart and we appear to have at least a few points in common as of now. She has caught my eye and sparked my interest something super fierce. On the other hand I still feel like I'm struggling to order my schedule and priorities, and question if I really have time for another relationship even if I could have one.

Well I just hope she sticks around the scene anyhow, we'll see.

I just get excited about meeting new people who have intriguing energy.

 

[Magdlyn]

Probably since you've just moved in with your man, it's not the best time to start something up with someone new? Maybe give yourself a couple months to get used to the living together and just enjoying the increased access to each other?

I love your idea to use sticky dots to frame your music memorabilia. I also am a collector and have quite a bit of ephemera just sitting in drawers.

 

[Spork]

Probably since you've just moved in with your man, it's not the best time to start something up with someone new? Maybe give yourself a couple months to get used to the living together and just enjoying the increased access to each other?

I love your idea to use sticky dots to frame your music memorabilia. I also am a collector and have quite a bit of ephemera just sitting in drawers.

Ya know Magdlyn, not only are you right, but I have to just recognize that as excited as I get about meeting someone new and the IDEA of them, not only is my time tight and a lot of new changes have gone down and all, now...but I imagine my time will keep being tight more or less on an ongoing basis. It's fun to think about, but I have no idea if I'll pursue anything with another partner in the foreseeable future. And I find that does not make me very sad or anything. I really do love my Zen and I get all of my needs met very well with him. So I can recognize my little zings of excitement over new people I meet without getting too carried away about it.

And from the way she talked, any new relationship she might endeavor to have, will take time to build anyways. She doesn't do casual stuff and she is in the middle of working out the beginnings of a divorce that probably won't be done until the middle of next year at the soonest. So for now, just having her as a thought in the back of my mind...it's gonna be for the best.

Heck, I don't even know if she'll keep coming back to Voodoo. We shall see.

Oh but the sticky glue dots, those are AMAZING. I think I have probably mentioned before that I'm a bit silly for adhesives. I get hopelessly distracted in any store just looking at all the various sorts, and imagining the projects I could do. I have on hand at home hot glue, Elmer's regular glue AND powdered craft glue, super glue, wood glue, three kinds of mod-podge, rubber cement, glue sticks, glue dots, spray glue... You get the idea. I'm like Bubba with the shrimp over here, only it's with glue and there is no boat.

But I've only recently discovered the glue dots. I got them, because I wanted to be silly and stick googly eyes on a strap on to wear to a party, but without damaging the silicone with anything permanent. These removable glue dots are a lot like the rubbery stuff you can peel off your junk mail when they stick, say, a fake key or credit card to paper...they stick well, but not permanently. Not only have they been brilliant for this project to display my little odds and ends... But I have found when hanging frames and things on the wall, when you get it there and it wants to move, just ever so slightly, and every time you go past you're straightening your frames and being annoyed that they won't hang just so... You can put these glue dots on the bottom back corners and press to the wall, and it will gently stick them there so they don't move! But they still come right off and don't damage anything! THAT'S AMAZING. I am way too particular to have crooked hanging frames in my house. Makes me nuts.

I am ridiculously happy to have found a cheap little thing to simply solve a number of my adhesive needs so well...

 

[Magdlyn]

Ooh now I want glue dots even more! Down here in the girl cave I have about 8 vintage pictures with a similar theme hanging as a grouping on the wall near my chair. They are constantly shifting.

 

[Spork]

Ooh now I want glue dots even more! Down here in the girl cave I have about 8 vintage pictures with a similar theme hanging as a grouping on the wall near my chair. They are constantly shifting.

Yeah, it's worse when you have a grouping, because if one is a little off, the negative space between them is messed up. That's actually how I came up with the idea to try the glue dots for this, I got three little square mirrors (the cheap kind from Walmart with the basic black frames) to put up in the foyer in a grouping, and I realized while hanging them, that if one moved even a little it would look completely stupid. So I tried the glue dots and haha! it worked beautifully!

I have decided, with some trepidation, to leave my awesome dragon art at Voodoo for now. I was planning to bring him home and hang him in the new place, now that there's plenty of wall space for him, but someone mentioned that she'd heard somebody say he was interested in buying him sometime in October, when he had the money, and the owner of the club indicated he'd be sad to see him go... I have had a few people say they'd like to buy him, but the reality is no one can afford what I'm asking for him ($300)...and it's like, I know that's a lot to spend on an art piece, something no one really NEEDS even if they really like it...but I put a lot of work into him, and it's not so much that I need to get that much for him, it's that in the long run if no one wants to pay me that much I would rather have him back in my home than sell him for less.

I know a lot of artists make the mistake right out the gate, of undercharging for their work. I don't want to make that mistake. So the scheme I came up with, is that in general I will charge $10 for my time, for however long it takes to make the piece, and I'll just eat the cost of materials (which usually isn't much, since I get cheap materials and salvage and Zen gives me canvases and things to work with.) The big dragon did indeed take me 30 hours, I logged them, and while part of that was the learning process, trial and error on new technique...still.

So I figure, I was wanting to make the Voodoo logo (you can see it at voodooleatherworks.com) in the same 3D relief art style I used for the dragon, another big piece like that...just to donate to the club, as a thank you gift for all that Voodoo has meant to me...I don't know how long it will take for me to get that done, but probably a long while. So eventually when I accomplish that, I'll take and switch it out for the dragon.

Well, progress is certainly happening with Zen's old place. We ran a bunch of stuff to the trash yesterday, and a bunch of stuff to his storage unit, and I helped him get his crawlspace cleared out. I'm doing what I can, but I feel there are limits to my ability to help since he wants to sort through things and decide what to keep and what not to, and of course those sorts of decisions can only be made by the guy who owns the stuff. I just sent him an email offering to take his key over there and just put whatever is left into boxes and get it moved to the garage of the new place, where he could sort through it at his leisure...maybe he'll take me up on that.

I think we're both just really looking forward to being DONE with this moving thing and settled into the new place. He's still going to have a project on his hands going through his storage unit. I think that if I can just get Ninja moved out of my place eventually, then we can probably both empty our storage units into his old room. I'd wanted to make it a room for art projects, but I'd rather save the money...I can do art projects in my room, or at the kitchen table or something.

Q turned 16 on Saturday. He went to lunch with his Dad, then I took him to dinner at the Mongolian Grill, and then he went shooting with his Dad yesterday. Zen and I also went to the party at Voodoo on Saturday night, we had a very satisfying impact scene followed by some very excellent sex, and more fun in the morning on Sunday. Then I had a Voodoo members' meeting Sunday to go to.

I want to be more involved with my volunteerism there, but there are so many things I want to be putting my time into. That seems to be the struggle I live with. I want to put a lot of energy into a number of things, but I'm just not sure how to juggle them all. Want to consider career development or changes, need to put more time into my sons' progress...help Q get out of these honors classes, and help Ninja get his driver's license and a job...I want to devote more time to getting my household in order and maintaining it in a state of cleanliness, and to the club and my friends and making art and practice top skills and...the list just goes on. It's wild to think that there was a time my life was relatively boring and I'd come home after work, maybe take a nap, make dinner, read and relax and watch TV and I didn't have a full calendar scribbled up with all of my to-do items and several spreadsheets listing my projects and stuff. Once in a while I have to just sit down and read, to force myself to relax.

But at the same time, when I accomplish a lot, I do feel pretty good about it.

 

[Spork]

I'm tired, and my back hurts, but I feel good about having got some stuff done that needed to be done. I went to Zen's place after work last night and moved things. My methods are pretty systematic, fairly appropriate I think for when time is running out, and going through stuff and making decisions will need to wait for another day. Time for some methodical "stick it in the box, move the box, go go go" action. So that's pretty much what I did last night. The upstairs is nearly finished. I'm glad we aren't trying to clean the place. There is so much remodeling that needs to get done, there just isn't much point. The best we can do is to try and leave it as empty as humanly possible (including hauling out trash and empty boxes.) But really, considering that the owner hasn't had it managed or maintained much at all during the whole 20-odd years Zen lived there...it could have been a lot worse. When you own property, eventually work will need done. And since the owner was never exactly enthusiastic about spending money on repairs, and she was letting Zen live there cheap, he pretty much coped with things and only had the serious emergencies dealt with over the years.

I just can't believe how much stuff Zen's got. Like I knew it was a lot, I mentioned it was probably more than he thought it was, but seeing his storage unit and how we're stacking things up in the garage...wow. Guess that is what happens when you live somewhere so long. I know the longer I've lived in any place, the more stuff got accumulated. But if I put a little effort in, I can remember back to my childhood, I can remember having moved 21 times. 13 of those since I was an adult. Every time I've done it, I've taken the time to go through things and get rid of stuff we didn't need to keep hauling around. So not only is moving old hat to me, I've had many of chances to slim down the accumulation, over the years. I knew that moving Zen wouldn't be like that. And it's a good thing we're doing it, because he knows he could wind up having to go care for his Dad with short notice...and if that had happened with him living there as he'd been and on his own, it would have been quite a disaster, I think.

So as much work as it is, it's nothing to complain about, it needed to happen sooner or later, I figure, and we're in the home stretch.

I still appreciate his various collections as interesting reflections of his inner self, and have a sense of loving curiosity about his things even now. But I don't let myself get sidetracked by curiosity now, there is no time to explore. I'm sure he can show me plenty of fascinating things as he digs out and goes through the stored things, over time.

Which makes me think about some of MY stored things. I have family heirlooms I've been tasked to keep safe, most of which are in my storage unit now. There are boxes I haven't opened in years. I suppose one day, if Zen and I ever buy a house or settle down for the long run someplace, I might have to get a china cabinet or something. I never really fancied myself as the sort of person to have one, but Aunt Jeanette did. I have some crystal and silver that would look nice displayed somehow. For the things that aren't my style but should be kept...I already have one "trunk" (the family trunks, these were footlockers or trunks that have been kept for family for a long time, at least one of them, possibly not the one I own, actually was hauled along the Oregon Trail by an ancestor.) And I use it as an end table in my living room, because it's pretty. I would not mind having more of those one day to store the things that will remain out of sight. I don't like having old cardboard boxes heaped up in a storage unit. I mean, fine for now, but I like the idea of having a better solution eventually.

One day!

 

[Spork]

And on a more immediate-future note... Tonight I'm going to help Ninja apply for some jobs. Old Wolf wants very badly to stop paying me support for him, he's unemployed and was complaining that he gets (with his VA check) less than half what I make. I did not bother to argue the point that he is also living for free with his friend, paying no rent or utilities, and only has to feed himself...so not to get too carried away thinking I've got all sorts of money. The amount he is paying is not even quite what Ninja's upkeep really costs, it's a nominal amount that helps. So Old Wolf wants to demand that Ninja get a job and pay his own rent. And he should, anyways, since he's 18.

I guess it annoys me a bit that Old Wolf complains when I did not hit him up legally for child support, when I certainly could have fought and got a much higher amount, and I've taken a beating financially in our divorce, but even this small amount is too much. But on the other hand...it IS completely reasonable for our son to start paying his own way. I won't charge him the going rate for rent, but it would be good for him to get in the habit of understanding that room and board don't come for free.

And Old Wolf has said that once he gets a job and gets out on his own, out of his friend's house, he does want to consider sending some support for our younger son, or even taking him in. I believe that would be a bad idea, but neither of them seem to think so right now. Whatever.

So. I will help Ninja apply for jobs. Then I will help Zen some more with the moving, which I hope we can realistically have done tomorrow. Thursday, Q has an orchestra concert...and then the weekend is here. I don't think I'm wanting to go to First Friday's Jam night but I need to go to the party on Saturday night because I'm signed up to do some volunteering. I did promise Fire I'd help out more in October, since she's going to be out of town a lot. Then I also have a class there at the club on Sunday.

And I need to take apart and fix my sticker collage. Unfortunately, my brilliant glue dots seem to be failing me, many of the stickers have fallen down to the bottom. What might help is if I layered some additional cardboard or something to press it to the surface of the plexiglass and give the contents less space to move. But I will step up my adhesive game here, maybe even actually peel and stick some of these stickers, who knows? The main thing is...in a frame, I can display them forever, without worry that the thing they are stuck on will be something I no longer want or can no longer keep (like a car, or a laptop.) My main issue has been that the life of the stickers is diminished by being stuck on a not so permanent item in my possession. So. In a frame, they can be forever.

The glue dots are however still working splendidly for keeping rogue frames solidly in place on walls.

 

[Spork]

Work on Zen's old place continues. Last night, I finished clearing out the upstairs, and the coat closet and half bath downstairs. Still need to clear the kitchen (small amount of remaining stuff) and do a trash run with the excess boxes, and vacuum the carpets. Zen had even more boxes than HE needed, even with all the stuff he had. I like to save boxes too, so no criticism from me there, but at some point it's time to say goodbye to at least some of them, and I think there is a paper/cardboard recycling bin behind his work, so...

There is maybe one more van load of stuff to be put in the garage (maybe like half a load) and then trash to get rid of, whatever minimal cleaning he wishes to do, and that's it. Done!

Then we get to work on digging out the garage so that Zen can park in there this winter (hopefully we get that knocked out before the snow starts, but it could start at any time here in kooky Colorado, so...who knows.)

Ninja is finally working on his driver's license goal. He is taking online practice tests over and over and over, as we've told him to do, so that he can pass the written test. Old Wolf will take him to do that, and will work on teaching him how to actually drive. So that's good. Next we'll work on getting him a job, then he can save for his first car, get going with college, move out of my place (or stay and pay me rent)...the plan is finally moving, it might just be a small first step but it's progress.

And Q, my younger kid, is hating it in school, he's managed to drop one of his four Honors classes down to a regular-difficulty-level class, but he's still go the three others and he's failing them all. With the fact he's got to make up Health from last year, I'm starting to think I might enroll him in online summer classes like I did with Ninja last summer, if that's available in this district (and I can't imagine that it wouldn't be.) He's only in 10th grade, but I don't want him to reach 12th already behind and needing to make up a bunch of stuff. The struggle we have, is that when he is home, the very idea of working on homework makes his gut churn so he instead turns to entertaining time wasters like his gaming (which is on the computer he also needs to use for school, so it's not a simple matter of just taking the games away)...and he then wakes up each morning knowing he hasn't done his work and has another day of looking like a loser in class, so he feels crummy and tries to convince me to let him stay home, with some litany of creative excuses, which I refuse and make him go anyways. Rinse, repeat.

I totally get it, I felt the same way about school, and eventually started skipping school no matter what my mother thought about it. If I were in his shoes, I'd be cleverly waiting until I left the house, then going back home, or even riding the city bus back home from the school. Of course I did not have a computer, I used to just skip school and go home and sleep, then later get high and get laid. But it's a wonder I managed to graduate. I understand where he's coming from, and just like my Mom used to feel helpless to make me put any energy into school, I really don't know how to make my son do his work either. All I can figure is that I'll do my best to help him and motivate him, and if we get to the finish line and he's not able to cross it, then I'll point him in the direction of the GED. We have 1.99 years until he turns 18, and 2.65 years until he is due to finish high school.

And yeah, you betcha I am counting the days. One day it's going to be just me and Zen together, and that is going to be so, so wonderful.