The story of Spork.

[Spork]

From a guy's perspective? I totally agree with opalescent. The guy is like a zombie. He just keeps on coming. Whem you push him back he just gives you an "aw shucks". It is very obvious he has an agenda.

I actually cringed when I read he approached you when you were in aftercare mode. Who the fuck does that, whether they know you or not?

Saying you can't make it is not the same as saying you aren't interested. At least not to a guy like him.

It is tough for me when I don't believe that people (like him) are acting out of malice, but rather programming and life experience. Maybe I am too forgiving. I mean, there were many times with my ex husband that I had a hard time judging situations and behavior, because it didn't seem to come from a malicious place, more like a self-centered, to the point of blindness to the feelings of others and no empathy, sort of place. Jersey guy, I have always wanted to cut some slack because he was new in the community, and our standards really are different, and some part of him will continue to do whatever has "worked" for him in the past.

And he is not, actually, the first man I've known who rocked a similar MO, now that I think about it. There was the sketchy little pirate guy who lived with Old Wolf and I during the time we were splitting up. Pirate was also physically small for a man, "cute" and non-threatening in his demeanor and appearance. One time we went to a music event, a sort of kink themed circus and concert deal, and Pirate got some booze in him. Another mutual friend was there, and she WAS part of the kink scene then, which neither I, nor Pirate, were at that point (I got in later; Pirate never did) and he hugged her in a "friendly" way but then nuzzled and nibbled her neck. She was outraged and referred to it as a consent violation and even "rapey" and I thought at the time, she was overreacting. I mean, clearly he was just being naughty and playful, and given the sort of event we were at...?

Yeah, it's amazing how your perspective changes when a.) You get into a community where the standards of behavior and consent are different, and b.) it happens to you. There is a feeling of discomfort when someone pushes a boundary as though they had a right, like that. While I don't throw around words like "rape" lightly and would not have used that word for that incident or any of mine, I would say that these are men (EDIT: and totally also women) who do not really understand what consent, ideally, should be about...or if they do, they don't respect it much. Or feel that it's unrealistic in practice, and that since nudging and pushing women is how they've always gotten what they wanted, and gotten away with it because they seem so harmless and adorable, that there's no reason they can't just do that. Positive reinforcement is a powerful thing. And in times of my life when I was single and available, I HAVE slept with men who nudged me into it like that. The standards of informed and explicit consent we try to promote in kink, just simply are not socially universal in America, by a very long shot.

And there are women in the community who are far more sensitive than I am, and who will far more readily raise an outcry, and a loud one, that gets a guy barred from the scene, for things like this. In trying to figure out where I stand, I'm thinking that if he is simply not understanding where he's setting foot wrong, and if he's basically a good man, and just letting his conditioning take precedent over what he has been told about standards of consent...he had better get straight with how this works, if he hopes to remain. Sooner or later, if he does not change his ways, the label of "predator" WILL get slapped on him, whether I do it or not, and it will stick.

So...if I am thinking he's knowingly crossed the line, I think he needs talked to, and if I am thinking he's making newbie mistakes, he needs talked to, and not nearly as gently as I did the first time around, either way. I'm fortifying myself to have a very, very honest discussion with him, where I spell it all out, maybe even in writing, and then if the behaviors do not immediately change, then I talk to the community leadership...but hopefully it doesn't go that far.

As for the aftercare incident, while it was over the line and those who have been in the scene know that, this time was a little unusual in that I was interacting with other friends. Usually when someone is in aftercare, they are snuggled down and sort of in a bubble. I was simply sitting, arms entwined with Zen, and there were only 2 or 3 spots where Jersey could have chosen to sit, and he picked right next to me, but all along his leg, thigh, and torso, was in contact with me, and only after he'd sat did he think to ask "Is it ok if I sit here?" That kind of situation, you definitely ask FIRST, it's not a forgiveness-over-permission scenario.

Hey. That's it right there. That might sum up his behavior more than any other thought I have had. He's had probably way more success (with women and sex) with asking forgiveness, than permission. That is the habit he's going to need to break, if he's going to stay in this community.

 

[Spork]

Oh, and the other issue I personally have (I'm trying to learn how to be more honest with myself here) is that I am a very open person in most situations and with most people. I overshare. I listen. I connect. I hug. I like to love freely, easily, even casually. It literally took being married to a crazy jealous person for me to even LEARN how to have sex boundaries, otherwise I gave that to anybody that wanted it, more or less. Well. Not ANYBODY, but many. Because I was just...I wanted to welcome people into my life. I did not want to treat connection with others as this sacred and limited thing, or act like one man's property, or treat anyone else like property.

It is because of my marriage that I know I am capable of fidelity and monogamy and that I can have people who will want to spend time with me and enjoy my company, even if I'm not offering or giving sex to them. How to have friendships where that wasn't on the table. So I feel confident that I can do that now. But like...it would be too easy to think, looking back at my teenage years, that I just really loved sex, since I had a lot of it with a number of partners. Really...not always. Rarely in fact, did I actually feel a sexual drive or desire for them. Much of the time, it was more like "why not." I just didn't feel like I had a good reason to say no. Most women seem to feel that they need...like...BEYOND a good reason, to say yes.

So as an adult I learned how to be open, but not necessarily SEXUALLY open, just socially open, and that there would be people who liked me enough to want to spend time around me. I was fighting what Old Wolf was always saying, that "Men are not your friends. Men do not like you for who you are. They just want to have sex with you." by defying it, by making nonsexual friends of many men (GWAR community.) And almost universally, they weren't even trying to get in my pants, surprise surprise.

But I hear from some muggles (like my ex) that if you go around being friends with men, you should not be surprised when sometimes they think you are offering sex to them. Like...what, a woman is supposed to be hostile by default, unless she is on the pull? Of course these same men in the other forums don't like it when women are hostile either. They don't like if you say no nicely, or rudely, it boils down to they just don't want a no answer. I guess if you're a faithful partner to a man, then as a woman, you simply should not leave the house? I don't even know.

I do know that in the real world, the men I am friends with, by and large, hundreds of them, treat me with respect. I am not the thought police, I don't care if they're imagining me naked, as long as they don't act like they've got a right to get me that way.

Bottom line though and point of all this jibba-jabba, is that it's hard being someone who is very socially open, and then encountering someone who makes me feel like they are taking advantage of my nature. It makes me want to withdraw socially, be more guarded, absent, distant. It feels like abuse of social trust. What is worse to me is the feeling that other people do not, or would not understand. That they feel I am overreacting, or would be more sympathetic to Jersey, or invalidate how I am feeling...and I am afraid of that.

I have to sit here mentally pointing out, over and over, the contrasts. Jersey would not treat a male friend this way. Our lawyer friend does not treat me this way. Not even the most notorious of flirts, Supernova, takes such liberties with me. (And I have told Supernova I found HIM good looking, in the past, too. He knows it's an affirmation, not a statement of intent.) All the other guys, even many who are new to the community, do not act like this with me. If Jersey would only act this way with a woman he's attracted to, and if allllll the other men, some of whom I know find me attractive, know better and behave more respectfully...then is this really "understandable?" Even if it is his own life programming driving it...no. No, it isn't.

And of course per the usual, I'm walking a line here between honest introspection and contemplation, and feeling insufferably tiresome and "oh you're on about that again." *sigh* Feh.

 

[icesong]

And there are women in the community who are far more sensitive than I am, and who will far more readily raise an outcry, and a loud one, that gets a guy barred from the scene, for things like this. In trying to figure out where I stand, I'm thinking that if he is simply not understanding where he's setting foot wrong, and if he's basically a good man, and just letting his conditioning take precedent over what he has been told about standards of consent...he had better get straight with how this works, if he hopes to remain. Sooner or later, if he does not change his ways, the label of "predator" WILL get slapped on him, whether I do it or not, and it will stick.

<snip>

Hey. That's it right there. That might sum up his behavior more than any other thought I have had. He's had probably way more success (with women and sex) with asking forgiveness, than permission. That is the habit he's going to need to break, if he's going to stay in this community.

Perhaps I am one of those more sensitive women, but I think you're being too generous. You have told him you are not interested - not just not interested in him but monogamous, at least when it comes to men! Some _very_ very strong words are definitely in order.

For that matter you're collared, so although in the long run it'd teach him less about respect for women in general, having Zen say something would be... not ineffective, I think.

Although I hate that - the kink scene and my particular corner of reenactment are a little similar in terms of dudes respecting other dudes... "ownership", for lack of a better word or concept. Reminds me of a guy I know who was perfectly respectful of me, with a definite undertone of "you're attractive but you're my fighter-buddy's wife", until he found out I/we were poly and thus I was on some level available, then he got obnoxiously flirty - and that's when I found out that's how he generally treated _single_ women. Bleh.

 

[Spork]

Perhaps I am one of those more sensitive women, but I think you're being too generous. You have told him you are not interested - not just not interested in him but monogamous, at least when it comes to men! Some _very_ very strong words are definitely in order.

For that matter you're collared, so although in the long run it'd teach him less about respect for women in general, having Zen say something would be... not ineffective, I think.

Although I hate that - the kink scene and my particular corner of reenactment are a little similar in terms of dudes respecting other dudes... "ownership", for lack of a better word or concept. Reminds me of a guy I know who was perfectly respectful of me, with a definite undertone of "you're attractive but you're my fighter-buddy's wife", until he found out I/we were poly and thus I was on some level available, then he got obnoxiously flirty - and that's when I found out that's how he generally treated _single_ women. Bleh.

Well, I did not want to get into it, because I do not know the details...but he's had some kind of a...situation...where he apparently went through a woman's Dom for consent in a scene and there were problems of some sort there. He tried to tell me a bit about what was up, and he told Zen more, but I had to go work the door so I didn't really get the whole story.

Thing is, I have expressed that while I am sexually unavailable to other men, Zen and I are blessedly free of some of the more extreme constraints of some mono relationships, and I feel happily liberated in being allowed to be as affectionate to my friends (short of genital contact) as I like. I think that me talking about that in discussion groups and the like, is part of why he feels he can go right ahead and lay claim to affection from me. I'm free to give it, so why should he not get some?

But beyond that, I do not want to set up a situation where he thinks, "OK, well then I just need to persuade Zen and then I can have what I want from her." Zen likes him (he is generally likable, if you're not having the kinds of feelings I am about things) and I don't want to put it on Zen to be the hard-ass here. I most certainly never want to stand there, trying to decline invitation to a scene or activity with Jersey and have him say to me that Zen has given permission. Beyond that, I believe that I need to work harder on my own boundary enforcement. It is a weakness I can't afford to have. Like many women, I am too conditioned to "soften" my no's. I need to be able to give a harder no, when it's called for.

Like most personal growth...this ain't comfortable, though.

 

[Spork]

Oh, and it might, when/if Zen reads all of this stuff, seem contradictory in a way, because I have shared with Zen that I have a certain fantasy of being blind and bound at a party and having Zen control my consent, allowing whoever is there (under his supervision) interact with me in certain ways. But Zen does not like the idea of other men messing about with my ladyparts, and I can even acknowledge that while the anonymous-partners and hands fantasy might get me going, the reality may very well NOT be so fantastic, were we to go there. Some fantasies are like that. Better off left in one's head than enacted in real life. So I've been plenty content to let that one rest.

I guess part of the energy that fusses me too, here with the Jersey guy situation, is like when you get those obsessed fans or stalkers of celebrities, there is that THING where they imagine there's a connection, a bond, a relationship, that only exists in the mind of one person but not the other. I would not call Jersey a stalker or obsessed fan, but he really latched on to me until I started avoiding at least half of the community events I used to go to (often because I simply didn't feel like it, this wasn't necessarily an effort to avoid him)... And so much of what has gone down, it's like he believes in this deep, meaningful friendship (at least) between us, and for me, that isn't there. I have not given consent to that. I haven't given him more attention or time than I've given any number of mere acquaintances. I haven't offered or promised him something...that I feel like he believes exists, or has potential to grow, if he can only persuade me to let it.

THAT just...makes me defensive. Much in the same spirit as some celebrity would feel uncomfortable with the fan who sends letters about the unique and special bond or connection and how they are destined to somehow be together. Like, dude...reality...cut it out...no... You feel like you're dealing with a delusional person who simply doesn't see your side of it.

 

[Spork]

Feeling tweaky this morning. I was running a little behind and somehow managed to get stuck behind slow people no matter WHAT I did. Every time I changed lanes to try and get down the road, my lane immediately slowed for some reason. Once because a person sat at a traffic light after it turned green for a good 5-10 seconds before I finally honked my horn at them. When you're already running a little late and seconds count and your employer really feels like if you're not early, you're late... Then of course once I got here I realized I'd left my cell phone at home. And of course I have an email from Fetlife where evidently I have a message from the Voodoo club page, and I've got NO idea what that's about, until I retrieve my phone, since I'm hardly going to log into Fet on my work computer. AGH. *sigh* The struggle man, it is real.

(Could be about upcoming events, volunteer stuff, or even the Jersey guy situation, I have no clue. Ain't that fun, I get to wonder for a few hours?)

And my coffee cup is leaking.

There are times that life seems to want to pile little annoyances on me. And I feel like I am more calm in the face of big, real problems (maybe TOO calm, wanting so badly to be reasonable and nice about everything) but the little stuff? Just gets me wound up. I'll be alright though.

I had a really lovely evening with Zen last night. I needed it. I love him so much, he really means the world to me. I feel like everyone should have someone who looks at them the way that Zen looks at me sometimes.

Tonight I'm going to a discussion group at the club. If I have time, I want to type up a list of points I want to discuss with Jersey guy, and I'll be then looking for opportunities to talk to him. I could just send him a message, but that doesn't feel like what I SHOULD do here...but since I communicate more solidly and effectively in writing, I want to write it up in bullets, and maybe I'll even give him a copy in case he might forget what I had to say. I need to do whatever it takes to hold myself to saying what NEEDS said and not getting waffly, soft, and sweetening the message, because it is SO uncomfortable for me to stand my ground and risk hurting someone's feelings. As Zen said last night, "that's where the growth is."

I am grateful that I have a partner who respects my need to handle this myself (in fact he's probably relieved I am not expecting him to) because it's a great contrast to how my ex was more the type who wanted to jump in and take such things out of my hands and get belligerent about it. That is absolutely not necessary here. Such occasions reaffirm what I already know, that I am with someone who is chill and reasonable and has sense, and my GOD is that a welcome change. It was always hard being someone who needed to process and think things through and wanted to find the best way to handle stuff, and then to have someone there who was always ready to explode and be crazy at any time, and then I'd have to divert energy from figuring stuff out, to talk him down. Of course, thinking back, by the time I got him talked down, I usually also had sort of...I dunno, almost gaslighted myself...into deciding to just drop the whole matter and never seek any resolution, bury it, because it was just causing trouble. So I'm sure that many "personal growth opportunities" that I should have put work into from age 18-36 were not followed through as they should have been or handled properly. It's probably past time I learned.

 

[YouAreHere]

Re. Jersey Guy, if you haven't already, please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker (and learn to trust your gut). If I missed it in a followup post, I apologize, but when it comes to the group message, it may be worth asking consent questions within the context of the group message - "Was everyone asked for their consent? What are the parameters/expectations?" If you feel weird about it, I'm sure you're not the only one who would like that spelled out beforehand.

More specifically related to him, though, there are MANY people who don't just "ask forgiveness" but specifically use social norms to push their way past people's comfort zones, and they rely on your discomfort at being rude (or being called out) to get away with it.

Trust your gut. This guy sounds way less naive than he lets on.

 

[Spork]

Re. Jersey Guy, if you haven't already, please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker (and learn to trust your gut). If I missed it in a followup post, I apologize, but when it comes to the group message, it may be worth asking consent questions within the context of the group message - "Was everyone asked for their consent? What are the parameters/expectations?" If you feel weird about it, I'm sure you're not the only one who would like that spelled out beforehand.

More specifically related to him, though, there are MANY people who don't just "ask forgiveness" but specifically use social norms to push their way past people's comfort zones, and they rely on your discomfort at being rude (or being called out) to get away with it.

Trust your gut. This guy sounds way less naive than he lets on.

Yeah, it's pretty weird to me how very limited the talk in this group has been, I have not heard a PEEP since then about it. I don't know what to think. I'm not going to worry about it but I guarantee that if anyone approaches me last minute and says "Hey we're gonna do this tonight, you're down, yes?" I'll be like "Um, no."

About the only way I'd really feel alright doing any kind of a scene with him, is if I am fully clothed, he is fully restrained, and blindfolded preferably, and I'm only one of several hands holding some kind of sensation toy and contributing to the experience. I would not likely make a sound. I don't want to contribute to him fantasizing about me later. That's just how I feel about all of this, at this point. I'd be just an extra pair of anonymous hands, not encouraging any kind of a further...bond, or connection, between us in particular.

I don't want him to see me as a "partner" for anything. If I'd never felt he really hoped for and wanted that, then it would not matter so much.

*shrug*

Got my phone. The message from the club was cancellation of the discussion group I'd planned to attend tonight. So I'll have more Zen time instead, and that's always great. I'll take it!

There was a silly thing on Facebook. So I've talked about one friend's posts regarding how male writers describe women (it is being presented as this insulting thing from a feminist standpoint, but I'm finding it hilarious, personally...or at least the parody of it, is)...and this was a sentence generator using a grid where you pick out letters in your name to make a sentence, and mine came up "She had curves like a soft pony, and I thirsted to marry her." I was like LOL WUT. I was really tempted to share it with a friend I know who is very into pony-play...so silly...

 

[Spork]

I had a good weekend, the party at the club was fun. I was recognized for my efforts in support of the community with a cool back patch with the club logo on it...now I just need some sort of a leather vest to put that on. Not something I can concern myself with at the moment. I'll get around to it. I made a questionable life choice and dumped quite a bit of money into raffle tickets trying to win the package of tickets and room for the kink convention, Thunder in the Mountains...it would have been a great bargain compared to the cost of those things, had I won. But I didn't. And I was soundly reminded, "This is why Spork doesn't gamble." Ah, well, the money goes into the club, and Zen gave me some cash to cover part of it, so I can't bemoan my lapse in luck too loudly. I'll be alright. I'm just cinching down my spending for a while, which really isn't anything new...I just have to do that sometimes. We've got a convention this weekend, and I will pack a cooler and a box full of food so that we can eat in the room more often than not, that tends to save us money when we do these things.

Jersey guy was at the party on Saturday, but he did not speak a word to me. I still wonder if one of my friends or associates sees my talk about him here, or hears my thoughts, and goes and speaks to him, when I get to the point where I feel enough tension to talk about it, and then shortly after, he goes quiet and leaves me alone...almost avoids me in fact, as whenever I am thinking of having a talk with him it seems I am not finding the opportunities. But thinking that way, again, I slap myself back a bit, with "Everything isn't all about you, y'know?" So whatever. Maybe he's just getting a vibe from me. But the last time all this happened, when I talked about it before, he eventually did approach me for a conversation. But his thought was, "I feel like I'm being a fly in the ointment with you and Zen." Which is... I'm like... what? Again, presuming a bit that I've allowed him into a relationship or a role or...something?...that for me just isn't there. Like I'd expect a comment like that from someone who was actively partying with us or had been involved in a scene or activity with us, which has never been the case. *sigh* It's just weird and confusing. And what sucks is that by the time I get around to talking to him, I'll be in a place where I'm tired of thinking about all of it. Ran out of mental steam with regard to the subject entirely.

I took Ninja to some Job Corps stuff yesterday, we talked to someone and later had an orientation consisting of watching some videos and such. He now needs to set up an "interview" and then he'll have his paperwork and background checks being processed. They said it could be up to a month before he leaves, which is a bummer since we'd hoped it would be sooner, but he will be going to Montana, a tiny town in Bozeman Pass called "Anaconda." The sort of place where they get blizzards in July and temps of 45 below zero at times, where the moose and grizzlies roam, it looks like. But that center has pretty good reviews and if nothing else, he'll be getting the crash course in "adulting" and surviving at some distance from his parental support, which I think is what he needs now.

 

[Spork]

I just asked my ex to call me when he gets a chance, I had a thought about kid related stuff and Job Corps and such-like that I want to discuss, and it'll be easier to do in a phone call, than with texts. Especially since my phone's text app seems to hate it when I attempt to text him specifically. "Unfortunately, Messenger has stopped." But only when I try to text the ex. I am guessing it's because we have a looooooooonnnnnnnng string of previous text history on there going back years, many of which were vitriolic paragraphs, and it is trying to load the whole chain when I'm trying to text him? I feel like I need to find a way to save the history somewhere, though, before I delete it all.

I keep certain of our prior communications from when he was really vexing me, even though I don't tend to revisit them, just in case one day, for any reason, I need a reminder of how impossible he can be. He's the sort of person who can kind of gaslight you into thinking he's nice and good and you should be friends with him, then turn on a dime and become a total lunatic, so I felt I may need the reminder, if that makes sense?

Anyways. So I asked if he'd call. And he said he would. Then he says, "I'm not in trouble, am I?" And I'm feeling very "lol wtf?" about that. Like...why...would you think you would be in trouble with me...? It just struck me as ridiculous.

Of course now I'm slightly feeling like, "Is there some reason why you think you SHOULD be in trouble with me, that I don't know about...?"

Some days, people, and everything about people, just... For an extrovert, there are times I want to throw my hands in the air and just hole up at home with my snuggly Zen and my snuggly cat, and to heck with all the complicated little humans buzzing around out there. I totally know how the introverts must feel, some days...

 

[Spork]

The ex has been a pain. I am definitely looking forward to the phase in my life where my sons are out in the world, adulting, and I no longer need to "co-parent" (such as it is.)

The other day when that phone call happened, from my last post, we were talking about Q and how his girlfriends broke up with him, and I said "as far as I know, he wasn't getting laid" and he said, "I'm not going to betray any confidences but I'll just say as far as you know." And I said, whatever, as long as the boy is remembering the Prime Directive, which is DON'T GET ANYONE PREGNANT. Ex said, yup, and proceeded to give really vulgar comments about how our son should be "blowin' it" in her mouth or backside, worded rather disgustingly. Implied that was the advice he'd given Q. And then went on to tell me that since I am not a man, I don't know how it feels to be heartbroken by a woman breaking up with me. I said, you know, after the things you just said, you really can't turn around and act like a man's love is such a pure and noble thing, and women are the villains here, you're not even making any sense. And he starts in about how all women are just looking to trade up to the next shiny distraction, and women can't be trusted, and then launches into his latest "I just know you cheated on me" theory, which this time, focuses on our old mutual friend (who is no longer any friend of mine), Pirate. He nearly got me going, trying to argue that the truth was not the BS version of fictitious events he was on about, and I realized "You're doing it again." (defending myself to him, which I'm trying to stop doing) and I started just yelling, "I don't have time for this, and I don't care. Think what you want." and he hung up on me.

He has just had a woman he was involved with break up with him, so he's very hateful toward women, and therefore me, right now.

And I am trying to keep the focus on our sons, and their futures and plans, so after that at some point I sent him an email with the information about Job Corps and how it could work for Q if it becomes necessary in the future, it is at least a new option to stick on the imaginary cork-board of possibilities here. And he started this stupid text conversation, accusing me of having ulterior motives, and wanting to throw Q out so I can "move on" and how even if I can't wait to be done being a parent, HE at least knows that his obligations don't stop when the boys turn 18.

Which is...kind of nuts, under the circumstances. Seeing as how since our divorce, he shuffled the boy he was responsible for, off to a friend, and ran off to Oregon...then even when he came back by that time, Ninja was living with me and has been ever since. And he sends me money to help with the boys, even though we don't have a court order for child support (since he was supposed to be primary custody for one of the two boys, even though he didn't ACTUALLY uphold that) and the amount he pays is about 1/3 of their total direct costs of upkeep...but hey. HE is the "responsible one" just because I'm sick of my boys taking advantage, and want them to eventually grow up and move out?

I also found out that although Ninja hasn't even been living with him, and is a grown adult, he's been claiming him on his taxes (even after he turned 18) as a child and a dependent. Right, I'm sure that will never catch up with you, dude. I'm so sure the IRS has no way of finding out his date of birth. Idiot.

So today, he accused me of "ulterior motives." And I said, no...I'm just wanting to be AWARE of options for the future. I AM tired of being taken advantage of, and I have no intention of letting Q just hang around eating my food and failing his classes and bombing out of high school and living with me into his 20's. Like that is NOT going to happen. Before we get anywhere near that outcome, I will get him his GED or I will send him to Job Corps.

So he says, "I'll talk to <friend he's living with> and see if he can come live with me." Man, the guy is living in a trailer in his drinking buddy's backyard. He says he'll "drill sergeant" the boy. Right, like that's a good idea? I said, there is NO need for you to be acting all alarmist like I'm about to toss Q out or something. I'm not in a rush to hustle him out of my house, I'm just trying to THINK about the future here. "Well, maybe he doesn't WANT you planning out his future for him, ever think of that?"

And he also said it was my fault the kid is failing, since I won't punish him and make him accountable. I told him, fine, but the last time I tried to take his computer, there was a fight and he threatened suicide. My reaction to all this is "fine, you don't want to be parented by me? You want to screw up? It is YOUR LIFE. You might not like where this road leads." And we've had plenty of talk, of exactly where this road leads. To a GED. And a harder path to his goals.

Anyways, this morning's conversations have been mega stupid.

He now seems to think that Q might WANT to go live with him, and that he needs to get out of this "environment." OK. I'm still not going to be able to move to Phoenix for a while, we'd need to save up to make that happen, it'll still take time. So whatever. If he convinces Q to go live in a camper in a backyard with him, I don't know what I can say. But I told him:

You won't get to frame it like, "You had to come live with me because your Mom couldn't wait to abandon you and go live her life tralala in another state." I'm not going anywhere for a while.

It is POSSIBLE, and I am HOPING that maybe once Ninja is out of the house and Q feels like an only child again, and I can focus more attention and effort on him, maybe he would shape up his behavior some. My whole thing was though, should we be getting into next school year in the fall and he's screwing up, and he's 17 years old, I will start considering what other paths we can take to get him through to adulthood. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If my ex wants to be indignant over the basic fact that I won't put up with takers and users in my life in the years to come, that I am exercising some self respect in what I will tolerate, because his own pattern is to abuse a woman until she leaves, then scream about how all women are abandoners...well, he can fuck off. One way or another, I AM almost through all of this.

 

[Spork]

I am now informed that I am just being "emotional" and that he has goals and plans for the boys' futures that I couldn't possibly understand, because I don't have testicles.

That's where we're at.

Apparently.

 

[Spork]

I was checking out fetlife to see who might be attending an event this weekend, and happened across a writing by Jersey guy. He indicated that something happened the last Saturday (the last Voodoo party we were at) that was upsetting to him, and he did not give many details, nor would I share them here if he had, since it seems invasive of his privacy, but again I find myself, as he was very cold to me at that party (did not even say hi or anything at all) wondering if someone I know said something to him.

Thing is, in sharing stuff here (where a very, very small few of my real-life associates know where this blog is and have my ok to read it) or in conversations with my most trusted friends (again a very small number, generally the same ones who have my ok to read this) I worry that what I say will get me in trouble. But in situations like that one...I second guess myself so much. Mostly because Jersey guy does come off as a very sweet person. It's why it's been such a major struggle for me to a.) figure out if I'm overreacting, and b.) stand my ground with him and make my boundaries clear. I have had serious uncertainties, and without talking to other people about it, I struggle to trust my own mind and heart, sometimes. It was never about gossip and I certainly did not go running around all over the place talking shit, you know?

I hope that none of my friends have taken it upon themselves to "help." Or if they did, I'd like to know about that, rather than just now having an awkwardness on top of all the other awkwardness, that I don't know if I'm even a part of or not.

Because of course I could be overthinking, and whatever is/was up with him might have nothing at all to do with me. The world most def does not revolve around a Spork!

Ah, the occasional perils of extroversion. *huff*

I guess he did end up getting his scene last weekend while Zen and I were away at the convention, and I am happy for him. I did not wish to be involved (certainly not without hearing any details or being asked if I consented!) but I do want him to enjoy his time in the community. They did wind up blindfolding him, so I could have been part of it, the circumstances would have been ok for me, but since no one said anything to me about what was even happening, I had no way of knowing that.

And anyhow, Zen and I were up in Denver at Starfest, and we had fun there. We met some actors, mostly supporting roles in various things, I think the biggest name who was there was probably LaVar Burton, but there were some good up-and-comer types and people from things like Farscape and The Orville. I really enjoyed the lady who played the doctor on the Orville. She was cool. And we spent some time with friends of Zen's that I am quite fond of, and I bought some fun little things in the dealer room and a cool piece of art from the art show.

I certainly felt very inspired, walking around the art show. Lots of cool stuff there.

 

[Spork]

I just tried to change my windshield wipers, and it's stupid and complicated, and I'd hoped it would be easy, but it's not, and then two Canadian geese flew in and landed like 3 feet away from me and just stood there staring at me.

So I'm standing there, it's snowing, but the sun is out, I'm utterly befuddled by the plastic bits of this stupid wiper apparatus, and now I've got geese. I don't need to deal with this shit! Geese! I gave up. I'll have to figure it out later when I'm off work...

 

[Spork]

Update on the geese. I was just trying to tell a coworker the story from yesterday, and she informed me that when she left, which was about a half an hour after I stomped away from the staring migratory waterfowl who seemed to be judging my subpar wiper blade changing abilities, the geese were still out there. In fact, they had flown up and were perching on the roof of my van. Just standing up there in the snow, surveying the parking lot.

I feel pretty good about life, despite now wondering if those geese may have been aliens in disguise or something, I got a lot done yesterday. I got a call in to a company to look at my sliding glass door, I think the roller hardware may need replaced...I got my van's registration renewed. I got cat food. And I did, after I got off work, get those stupid wiper blades changed.

 

[Spork]

Well.

First of all, Jersey guy's problems indeed had nothing particular to do with me. I'm glad, because I really do prefer to speak to him myself, rather than have a well-meaning friend try to handle this on my behalf. Though it may be I'm not the only woman experiencing some discomforts with him, and in a way this makes it even more important to find a time and have that talk. Again, if he does not get a clearer understanding on how he's coming off to others, that could really cause him problems in the community. I don't know if he'll heed my words and adjust his behavior, but at least he'll get a fair chance to try.

I need to call and cancel the appointment I made to have the sliding door looked at, because I was able to fix it. Sort of. I got it working as well as it was before, but there is still something wrong with the rollers (I think) that will eventually cause the little piece of track that sits beneath the door in a groove, to fall over sideways and impede the movement of it. I want to get in there and clean the track and put some kind of appropriate grease into it, and see if that doesn't really make the situation better. There's a lot of built up dirt and gunk in there, and that could also be fouling up the works. But the problem is not as bad or unfixable as I thought, so I don't want to take the time, or contemplate the expense, of having someone come fix it.

Last night I had a discussion group, and that went really well. And Fire has looped me in on a creative project for the club, and she feels I should join the "Council" that leads and manages the volunteer work of running the place, which I am down to do, and I also really think it would be fun to run a monthly discussion group thing. The more I think about it, the more I want to call it the "Relationships" group, and I need to write up a sort of description so I can manage the event listing on fetlife and all, but Relationships covers most of what I would probably want to discuss. Communication will be a heavy duty topic in it, too, but it will be one of many I have in mind. So anyhow, the group last night was good, it was run by a friend, and I feel that as one of the more extroverted people in the room, I sort of helped facilitate it and keep the talk going. I shared a funny thought I have, that it would be really cool to be Domme'ed by Mary Poppins. Man, that crisp British accent saying really vulgar things, and the bottomless bag she carries would make a hell of a toy bag, wouldn't it?

Good times.

But when I got home, Zen let me know he'd been having problems with the washer, and I also was starving, so I had to make food and fiddle with the washing machine at the same time (and they're on different floors of the townhouse, so I was running up and down) and we finally figured out what was wrong with it, and got a slapdash sort of temporary fix in place. I think I'm going to try to implement a more permanent solution myself, I'm really tired of having to call repairmen out to fix things, dealing with the scheduling and having to pay them. So it's the switch that is in the frame, that is pressed down by a peg on the door, to tell the washer that the door is shut, it was screwed in place with two screws, and the tube-shaped bits of that particular part (the switch apparatus) have both broken in half, so the screws of course can't hold it now...looks like maybe it broke due to the door being slammed too hard over time. What I want to do, is remove the screws and capture the broken pieces still clinging to those screws, then super-glue the broken bits back to the switch part, which will restore the tubes that the screws fit into, then once the glue is set, screw it back in place, then reinforce it with some kind of waterproof, sturdy tape. So long as it's in position, where the switch can be engaged, the washer will work.

I'm becoming pretty handy with the minor repair stuff lol!

I have another discussion group tonight, and I kind of wish I could just skip it and stay home and work on projects, but I've been skipping this particular one for several months in a row, and I really feel that I should be there. So I'm going to go...

Also, I ordered a MOCA adapter for my home network, but I'm not sure if it'll work, or frankly even arrive. It was priced crazy cheap, and it could be another of those situations where a seller gets you to buy something, holds your funds, and then lets you know on the supposed delivery date that "Oops, we're out of stock" and refunds my money. I'm convinced that this is a scam to take advantage of the time value of money by rotating a lot of transactions this way, but I could be wrong about that. No idea. I've had it happen several times now. I guess we'll see. At that price, it won't be the best, most reliable piece of equipment offering the best possible internet performance, but if it even improves the dismal situation with our connections upstairs, I'll be a happy camper. Sometimes I wonder if our router/modem is problematic, if I should take it back to Comcast and swap it out and see if we can't do better with a new one. *shrug*

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm becoming pretty handy with the minor repair stuff lol!

Good for you! I can't tell you how much money we have saved over the years by being willing to get our hands dirty and being satisfied with "good enough for now". And that was before Dude (who can fix anything - if you can get him to pay attention long enough to DO IT!).

My old van passed inspection for, like, eight years with one of the headlights held in with duct tape!

MrS took one of those "Adult Learning" classes at the Community College on "Small Engine Repair" Cost around $55 - saved us more than that the first time the Dryer stopped heating (I found the receipts from what the last owner would pay Sears to come do repairs - even back then it took $50 to just get someone to come out to the house.)

We prefer to spend money on experiences - good food, good beer, good concerts and unique art or hobbies. Stuff, is just stuff.

 

[Spork]

Good for you! I can't tell you how much money we have saved over the years by being willing to get our hands dirty and being satisfied with "good enough for now". And that was before Dude (who can fix anything - if you can get him to pay attention long enough to DO IT!).

My old van passed inspection for, like, eight years with one of the headlights held in with duct tape!

MrS took one of those "Adult Learning" classes at the Community College on "Small Engine Repair" Cost around $55 - saved us more than that the first time the Dryer stopped heating (I found the receipts from what the last owner would pay Sears to come do repairs - even back then it took $50 to just get someone to come out to the house.)

We prefer to spend money on experiences - good food, good beer, good concerts and unique art or hobbies. Stuff, is just stuff.

Generally speaking, I agree with you. I'm forever contemplating the balance between time, and money, though. Go deal with the big grocery store or Walmart to save a bit, or run into the convenience store and pay double for milk? Try to fix an appliance myself, or just pay someone to do it? The problem with paying someone to do it, in addition to the higher cost, is that often it takes even more time than trying to fix it myself, as I sometimes have to leave work to be there. Let alone some of the incompetent fools my property management has sent out to "fix" things (like the plumber who made our leaky faucets worse, then charged for the visit, and for a second visit when they finally actually FIXED the problem.) They charge us $75 if, at any time in a given month, we have someone out to fix something. Anything. On the bright side, it's capped there. And if we have one thing, or five things, fixed, it's only that for the month. On the downside...it's $75. And the hassle of arranging the appointment and being present for it.

The internet is a great resource, too, in figuring out how to fix things. But yeah, there are times I worry that messing with something without the expertise could cause me injury (like some electrical stuff) or create a dangerous situation, or break the thing worse because I don't know what I'm doing...and other times I'm just too frustrated and fussy to mess with it. I'm beginning to suspect that ultimately, we're going to simply rig the switch on the washer to be in the "always on" position (since all it's doing is informing the machine that the door is closed) and trying to place it up in there out of the way, rather than restoring its proper operation.

I did mess with it last night, but my attempts only resulted in frustration, so it gets to wait until I'm feeling patient enough to fiddle with it again.

 

[Spork]

Well, I got the washer rigged to work. I wired the little switch-box in place with the switch fixed to be "always on." All this means is that it will run even if the door is open, rather than stopping if you open the door. Since it's a top-loader, this doesn't really matter that much.

Zen and I had a nice weekend together. We went to a party Saturday night at a private residence, they used to hold monthly parties but had not for a while, so it was nice that they decided to start it back up, though no one is sure if they'll do it again every single month or what. There are a few people who are generally at those, who don't come to the club where Zen and I usually play, and it's good to see those friends. Zen and I did a scene and I had several people tell me that it was beautiful and they enjoyed watching it.

I'm considering a more involved role in the club volunteer stuff. I met with a lady about it last night. I've got a couple of options open to me, to consider...it will be more of a commitment, somewhat more time and effort needed, but I think (hope?) that with one of my sons heading off to Montana and the other one maybe going to stay with his Dad, and all...I think I can make space in my life to do a bit more, and I've been feeling the urge to be more meaningfully involved. So. I'm thinking about how best to contribute, for the next few days...I hope to have my mind made up by the weekend.

In other news, my little brother and his wife had an unintentional home birth over the weekend! She was in labor in the hospital, and it wasn't really going very fast, so they said she could go home, and come back later when her contractions were more regular and such...well, they did not really get to the point where the contractions seemed regularly timed and close together, but she did reach a point where she felt she needed to push, and my niece was born before they could get back to the hospital. Everyone is healthy and doing well.

 

[Spork]

Shit! I really need to do a better job of monitoring bands tour dates.

Primus is going to be at Red Rocks again. On SUNDAY. THIS Sunday. I would really, really like to go to that, but I have no idea who I'd take (Zen is working) even if I shoehorned it into both my budget and my schedule. And given how I've been trying to be about money, spending the $50 on the ticket...even though that event IS worth that much... *sigh*

I mustn't.

I won't.

But...just... Dammit, Primus is awesome and Primus at Red Rocks is phenomenal.

Of course there was/is the downside too, that Primus at Red Rocks makes even my happily sober ass wish I did drugs, and I can't, because I would always have to drive.

No.

I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

*grumpy face*