The story of Spork.

So I am sharing this link wherever I possibly can:

https://fundraising.entertainment.com/s/mr429

Because my son, Q, is fundraising for his Orchestra. I am a big supporter of arts and music in schools, and I'm happy his school has continued to be able to support an orchestra program. While I hate to be "that mom" (I rarely do the fundraising thing) this one seems worthwhile to me. It's those Entertainment book things, full of coupons for your local area, wherever you are. I don't get your personal info, they mail it to you if you order one. Prices vary based on location but tend to be around $25-30. No pressure, but if anybody does decide to order one, we sure appreciate it.

So Ninja comes to visit on Friday, and he plans to get up early and cook us all a big breakfast on Saturday. Maybe he's trying to sell me on this whole culinary arts thing. Q is doing pretty well, he's keeping up with school so far and has applied for a part time job near our house, we hope he gets it. Though I actually have somewhat mixed feelings about that. It's like...it would be great for him to have his first job, but I worry about him keeping up with school, with as much as he struggled last year. It's more important to me, that he get through high school. But maybe he can handle it all, I guess we'll see, if he even gets the job. He's been pretty motivated to DO things, lately. Over the weekend, he cleaned and organized the kitchen, cleaned and organized his room, did his laundry and homework and practiced his viola, we went shopping. He might be learning that lesson that the more you push past motivational barriers and just get off your ass and do something, the easier it gets to be productive in general.

One can hope.

Things continue to be wonderful with Zen. As he has told his Dad, not a ton to talk about because things are good and stable.

I'm a little mixed up in some "community drama" after introducing a new friend to the scene...she's causing a bit of a stir, because she's captured the interest of a number of men she's come into contact with already, and she hasn't even gone to her first party yet. This is one of those situations where I'm just trying to give everyone the best advice I can, be there for anyone who is in difficulty, and otherwise hope for the best. And some parts of the "show" are a little funny to me, some less so. I told Zen last night, I don't mind things being complicated in my world so long as in my own inner circle, my family and household, I keep them comfortable and reasonably simple. He is 100% on board with that.

But for crying out loud, y'all, this gal... She is young, hot, a peculiar mix of experienced and worldly, yet naive and innocent (seeming--it's mostly an illusion she pulls off well, I think), but she's very smart and funny...and she is into motorcycles, cigars, fancy scotch, and guns. The fact that the men she's interacted with are like "OMG" comes as exactly NO surprise.

Zen and I are both pretty curious how things will look with regard to her, who she is involved with and where she lands and settles in, like once the dust settles and she's figured out what she wants and what she's doing with whom.
 
Oh, also.

Yesterday on my Facebook someone was talking about when pet owners die, and the pets eat them...like he said that cats always go for the face first, and dogs eat the extremities first...

And so I was up a little late last night watching a Harry Potter movie with Zen, and this morning I tried to give myself 10 minutes extra to sleep, but Nimbus wanted me to wake up and feed him, so he was walking around on me and poking at me and stuff (like cats do.) At one point he started sniffing around my face and I was like, "NO I'm not dead yet, get away from my face you jerk." and I grabbed him and made him have non-consensual snuggles.

He purred, but I know he was just thinking, "How long before I start eating her face though, if she doesn't get up and make my breakfast?"
 
Max (older cat) would be upset if I died, but Lilo (kitten) wouldn't even wait until I was all the way gone. I had foot surgery earlier this year, and once my crutches slipped and I fell flat on the floor. As I was lying there collecting myself, Max was circling me and crying and head butting me. Lilo, on the other hand, sniffed my face once and bit my ear.

I'm fairly certain the Humane Society gave me a baby bobcat when I adopted her. :D
 
Nimbus is a sweet boy. I told Zen, like, if I am dead, I don't even care if the cat starts munchin' on me because maybe it helps him survive until he can be rescued, and in my mind there's nothing wrong with that.

SOYLENT FRISKIES IS PEOPLE! lol

Heck when I was a kid, I had it in my mind that the way we handle dead human remains is kind of wasteful. Surely something could eat that, you know? And when I watched a movie once about some teen sports group that was in a plane crash in the mountains or something, I thought, "If my family were in a starvation and survival situation, and if I died, I would want them to hack off a chunk of leg or something and cook it up so as not to starve. I don't even think that's awful in any way." Though I do happen to know that burning human smells horrific; I had a small tumor removed once and they cauterized it, and oh god the stank, it was stuck in my nose for weeks.

But I don't really think of human life (and a human body in death) as this sacred thing. You know the only thing that actually bothers me, is the notion that if I were dead, some wacko in a morgue somewhere could be doing undignified things to my body, either for his own amusement or because "we have to plug your orifices so your meat-bag doesn't leak all over the place" (ew seriously?) with my mind and agency no longer there to object to it. THAT bugs me. Feeding someone or something that would otherwise die, not so much.

I need to get stuff in writing. Wasteful or not, cremation seems like the way to go. I wonder if I can have a memorial marker with eyeballs and tentacles carved into it...?

I had all these notions that I'd go home after work yesterday and get stuff accomplished. I didn't do that so much. I worked late and when I got home, the laziness took over. I went to bed early, and got some extra sleep. That did have a positive side, because when Zen woke me up for snuggles at like 11:30 or something, I was able to be up for a little while with him. Chat a bit about the trivial happenings of the day. I do enjoy being able to have a bit of time with him whenever I can.

Ninja arrives Friday night for his visit. I'm really looking forward to seeing him. And Q is rocking straight A's except for one grade in English right now, which he's looking into getting fixed today. Also, the kiddo has his seat audition for orchestra, and he's wanted first chair pretty much forever, so he's doing his absolute best. I hope he gets it!
 
GAH!

I've gotten in way too deep in triangulation, and dammit I should know better, this is not the first time it's happened.

People confide in me (for some reason) and because I care about people...all the people...I end up telling one person how the other is feeling and trying to encourage compassion all around. I want people to understand where others are coming from. And it's not just what they tell me outright, it's also my own perceptions, though I do try to be VERY clear that's just how I am reading things, when I share my own thoughts.

I have a new friend and coworker, that I encouraged to come to the club. She did, and a man got very into her very fast. She is young, though, like 26, and she's fresh out of the vanilla world. There is that thing, I think most women have experienced, when you are excited to make a friend, enjoy your time with them, but when it comes to the idea of progressing into love or sex or romance, your gut says "Uh...not sure I want this." A lot of times, we talk ourselves out of listening to our instincts and we do it anyways. A lot of times we go along to get along, or let others persuade us, or talk ourselves into doing it anyhow. Most of those times, we don't end up feeling very good about it afterwards. I've been picking up from her, this hesitation, this gut deep "I don't think I really want to be with this person" from her, so I've been advising her to take her time and make sure that whatever she is doing, it's what she really wants.

She's gone on dates with him, and they played briefly (impact) at a party last weekend. But he seems to be getting very invested in the idea of really having a sexual relationship with her, and she is just...so unsure but so determined not to say or do anything to hurt him. Though she told him she only wanted to have a friendship and a play partner thing with him, he has really let his feelings carry him away it seems.

Meanwhile...he is poly, and one of his other partners is, well, coming to me for a lot of emotional processing. Which is where it gets messy, with the triangulation. I'm telling her that I don't think she need feel threatened by this, because I don't think it's going to become a big serious THING...and I'm telling new-girl that guy does have a fairly full life with partners who have big feelings and that poly can be complex, even for those who have done it for years. I have not told her NOT to be involved with the dude, but I've wanted her to be risk aware in terms of what comes bundled with the package that is him. If she accepted those risks, if she wanted him truly, she'd probably already be sleeping with him. He is certainly trying to persuade her.

The other issue, is that he is a grown man, some 2 decades or so her senior, and she is only 26. I'm fine with age gaps, lord knows I'm in an age gap relationship myself. But their life-stages are so different. He has a lot going on, and is deeply invested in various things HERE. She isn't sure what she's even doing with her life, and is considering joining the military. Right now, the universe is asking her, "So...what do you want?" and she is answering back, "I dunno...whaddya got?" I've been there, but I was there in my mid-30's which means I was wise enough not to commit to anything major until I had some idea of what I wanted. It can take time to figure that out, and I feel that I gave myself that time. He is pushing her in a direction that, I don't feel gives her that time.

So my advice overall, is that she take whatever time she needs to make sure that whatever she consents to, is with true, ENTHUSIASTIC consent. And if she does not want to get in too deep with this man, she's got the right to not want that. But she will need to be honest with him. That he can take the truth.

So between reassuring the one, and trying to empower the other...

Well, he recently told her that he's got feelings for her, and she is trying to place some boundaries. But she isn't good at "hard no" and dammit, I don't blame her for that. I'm not good at it either! I feel like she has been saying soft no's, and he's choosing to disregard them so long as there still might be a chance. He has let his feelings carry him away, because god, she is hot and she is awesome, and they have a lot in common. But the fact is, she's still so young, and so new to all of this.

And I fear now that the turbulence with that situation has driven her to some risky behavior with other people. And I've wanted so much to be helping, but I don't know that it is helping. She is saying she does not want to date guy, because of other partner's feelings...and guy is getting mad at other partner for telling me about her feelings, and other partner is coming back to me because she doesn't want her feelings to be the reason...and for fucks sakes if new girl really, truly wanted this guy, she would already have been sleeping with him!

GAH!

For all I love my human tribe, for all I love community, for all I usually let drama slide right off of me, this entire situation is making me very tempted to vanish from it all. And that SUCKS because I love my club and my group. But if I have to concern myself with whether bringing a new person into the lifestyle, well, if she's too hot, then a certain someone might leap at her and things might get all complicated, I don't know how I can be an "ambassador" in good conscience at all. It's supposed to be a safe place for people to find their kinky selves and have a good time. I am not a fucking procurer. Harumph.
 
*sigh*

This whole thing got way out of hand.

My friend was bombarded with texts last night by both the guy and his partner, and she's done with going to the club. Can't say I blame her, and this is EXACTLY what I was afraid of when the guy started chasing her. It's why I wanted everyone to calm the hell down and give her time to figure out what she even wanted.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to resign my position of leadership with the club. I was enthusiastic about trying to get new people to come, and being an "ambassador"...but now, not so much. I might even stop volunteering, I'm not sure. I still want to be a regular, dues-paying member, I'll support it that much, I do enjoy playing there and the club and the community is bigger than any one or two people. But the idea of stepping down from the level of involvement I've had recently...well, it makes me feel...lighter.

I used to talk about how very conflict avoidant I was. Maybe healing from my ex has made me somewhat less so. I feel no fear whatsoever of talking to the guy or his partner about any of this situation. I'm certain I will have to talk to him about it at some point, and I'm not feeling any dread of that. I know I bear some responsibility for my involvement in the triangulation aspect of it, but I don't feel that either of them is exactly innocent either, especially the guy. And I'm not particularly concerned about having them around when I'm at parties, either. If he's mad at me for cock-blocking him, oh well. He can go right on being mad about it. Nothing I ever said was untrue, and I never told her she should not date him, I only gave her the information to make an educated decision about it. If he's feeling any fury right now, it's primarily the rage of a man who is used to being on top of the world, being denied the chance to pursue what he wants.

At least that's how it looks from here.
 
Things are more calm now. I am not getting a lot of splash from other people's stuff, and that is good. I know that eventually I'll have to talk to the guy, but I have other things that should be addressed, we'll see how that goes whenever we get there, I figure.

The new-girl, well, she just had it with the whole darn drama. And from the position of observer, this was the risk. She was at this place of not wanting in too deep, but the guy and his partner were intense in what they were feeling (for or against her) and she was not down to get in deep with intense emotional stuff. That was why I wanted everybody to cool their jets, hold their horses, slow their roll, in the hopes that things could mellow and be more calm and sensible. Unfortunately it didn't seem to matter what angle I took, what I tried to say to Partner, she was gonna be intense in some fashion. And guy was catching feels, maybe only because new girl didn't fall right into bed with him, or maybe because she really is that awesome. I think she is. But I feel a guy his age should be able to chill out and not overwhelm somebody new. Anyways, if there was a chance it would all work out, the two of them spent a day last week, and possibly more, blowing up her phone and that had the effect of making her want nothing to do with any of it, them, etc.

*sigh*

But since talking to me wasn't making anything better, despite my intentions, I am glad that the ladies decided to stop doing that. I haven't heard a peep all weekend.

Zen and I spent most of the weekend just staying home and taking it easy. I'm glad. I had some commitments to drive my son around, it was the tail-end of his visit, so I didn't really want to commit to any club related activities. The boys went and spent Saturday with their Dad, and had a nice time. Zen and I spent Saturday almost entirely in bed together, watching Farscape, napping, and having wonderful intense sexual fun.

Yesterday I took Ninja to the airport at stupid insane early in the morning, and then spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and working on some decorating projects. I hung a bunch of Halloween stuff in my bathroom. Halloween is the magical time of year when the stores stock items I will want to use in decorating my home year-round. So I have some cool skull things and a couple of skeleton piranhas on the wall in there now.

So I'm still not sure what I am doing with regard to my role at the club. I'm trying to think about all that...like unpacking, considering what works and what doesn't, and what would feel optimal to me.

Honestly, about the only piece I'd miss, if I stepped back down to a regular old paid membership place, is that I do like being able to open the door and facilitate discussion groups, game nights, and minor events when the person who normally would is late or unavailable. It sucks being stuck in the parking lot, with a group of people, with the door locked, and having to try and reach the owner or someone to come unlock the place. And I enjoy going to meetings and sharing ideas, but I don't feel like it is strictly necessary. Most of the things that were given as "perks" of being part of this leadership role, aren't things I care a whole lot about. Mostly involving not paying for things, when in fact it's only a question of whether I am investing time or money. Sometimes money is easier.

And I want to take my art down out of the club. I want to hang one piece in my living room, and give the other as a gift to someone. I was thinking before, I'd do this when I'd made other pieces to hang there, but now...I am caring less about that. They can find stuff to put on the walls in those places. That is not really my problem. No one is going to buy my stuff. I'd enjoy it more if I just did what I wanted with it.
 
Well, I did check in with the "situation" yesterday...I'm somewhat disappointed and yet somewhat relieved.

Guy is still pursuing new-girl despite her asking him to leave her alone and her statements that she doesn't want anything to do with the very complicated (to her) situation and she even talked about dropping out of the kink scene entirely. I've told her that there are other places in town and in Denver she could go, and that even if she still wants to go to the club, if people try to initiate conversations she finds uncomfortable, it's a simple as saying, "I do not want to talk about this. I don't consent to this discussion. Leave it be." and they really would need to respect that.

But while I know she HAS told him to back off, and he isn't listening, I also know that she's so incredibly conflict averse she bows to pressure. And that she does a lot of telling people whatever they want to hear, which she has also done with me. So she might be giving him some mixed signals, trying to hold firm and find her voice one minute and waffling and capitulating the next. Yet I still truly expected better and more from this man. I really did.

The relief is that his partner, I talked to her last night, and last week I was upset because she was throwing herself right under the bus and trying to take on 100% of the blame for the whole shit-show and that did not seem right to me. I also know she is so deeply invested in this guy, that the "nuclear option" of saying that the relationship is more stress than joy, and it's time to walk, is NOT a viable option at all for her. I think that once you give that up, you'll put up with anything, and her sort of gaslighting herself into groveling and taking all the blame for things was very troubling to see anyone do. After all, everyone who is involved in something (including me in this case!) bears some responsibility for what happens there. I don't like concepts of fault or blame anyways. Sometimes shit just happens, and trying to figure out who did things wrong is beside the point.

But my worry was, is she going to be ok if he breaks up with her? Is she going to harm herself? Can she even contemplate the end of this without falling apart?

Well, she's had time to reflect and last night she said she's gotten way clearer on the fact that he is not behaving well. Especially knowing he's continued to pursue new girl and try to contact her and such after she asked him to stop. She is like yeah, you and I (me and her) bear some piece of the responsibility pie here, but guy and new girl carry most of it. I agree, but I add the caveat (in my mind) that she, being utterly new to the ideas of kink and poly, gets a lot more slack...HE, should truly know better. But anyhow, she was saying that instead of doing risky behaviors to cope with things, she is checking in with several friends, asking for the affirmations she needs of her value outside of this relationship, and bracing herself to cope with a breakup if it happens. She seems to be facing that possibility bravely though she doesn't want to have to go through it. Far more bravely than she would have in the past. I am helping to validate her, and telling her that she has worth outside of this relationship, for who SHE is, she is not "used up" and she is desirable and worthy of love.

Of course it's easier to be brave about an idea than a reality, and things could go radically sideways if the reality should manifest, but I am trying to help her feel strong. I get that for some, power dynamics in relationships are wonderful, but I do feel that building your identity and concept of your world being basically ok around another person's place in it...just...it's not healthy in my opinion. At the end of the day, power dynamics are just roleplay, truly. Each of us must optimally be able to stand on our own feet, or at least diversify our support network to the point that the loss of one person won't destroy us, even if it does hurt.
 
Well. Guy broke up with his partner.

Right now I'm trying not to think in terms of what I think of this person's behavior or that person's behavior. I'm just thinking about me.

The whole thing feels icky.

On the one hand I feel partially responsible for the end of a longterm committed relationship. And an ending which is devastating to my friend. I feel a sense of fault for a lot of pain that is happening right now.

On the other hand...

1. It seems there have been other difficulties, so maybe this would have happened anyhow. (Feels like a cop out, even if it might be true.)

2. I feel that some of the dynamic there was possibly not a healthy thing, the easy answer is that if one struggles so much, maybe this kind of relationship is not the best choice. Or that a person would be more healthy having a sense of identity that is not completely centered on what someone else is telling them they need to be. Whether that's a church or a man. But this is not a concept she is able to work with now, maybe not ever. She's got a deep need for something like this to define her to herself, I think. My idea of "healthy"...maybe is not a way she can be. Perhaps she has to find her own version of "healthy" to live with.

3. The main conflict I personally feel here, is that I think, "Maybe I should have just stayed completely out of this, not been involved at all." And then I consider how that would look. I'd have been leaving new-girl to not have the full picture, giving uninformed and possibly unenthusiastic consent to something she might have regretted deeply (and may yet, should she go ahead with the guy, which I think might be possible, I don't know.) I think that my intent for her to be able to give informed, enthusiastic, ongoing consent...or NOT...was not a bad thing. And, I'd have been leaving partner, my other friend, to suffer her feelings without the support and care I wish to offer any friend who is in difficulty.

I go back and look at everything I've said in texts to both women, and I cannot find any specific thing that I don't stand behind, anything I wish I could take back, or anything where I did wrong.

Yet I know the guy is probably pissed at me for meddling in his business with these women (as though women don't talk to each other.) But does he have that right? Has his behavior been verging on the predatory, or just a completely appropriate pursuit of love and sex among adults? And who am I to judge that, anyways?

And then there is the thing with the club. Relieving myself of some of the responsibilities I've got there feels right somehow just for my own reasons. But I also want it to be a point I make to the guy, that this whole situation sits ill with me in context of my supposed ambassador role. But I worry that thinking about bailing on that, is just me being lazy and a conflict-avoidant coward. The easy way out is, "I'm not dealing with this. Bye!"

I kind of want a second opinion, but I sure don't want to gossip. There is one friend who has been supportive also to my hurting friend, so she knows what's up and she is very good at giving advice and coaching people with things. Maybe I'll ask if she's got time to talk. I'm a little hesitant to burden or involve her any further, but if she doesn't want it she can decline...
 
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I went to a party at the club last night. I was on deck to go hang out with the friend who is still coping with the breakup, but when I asked if she wanted to, she said she didn't know what she needed. I just told her I was there if it helped, and if time with me was not what she needed, that I understand that, too. I cannot know, my presence could have been helpful or hurtful, so she would need to ask if she wanted me there. She didn't. So, I went to the club.

I spent some time with some good people, had a lot of excellent conversation about not-so-heavy subjects, and it was like a mental palate cleanser. I arrived in a moody mood and left feeling much better. People-time. Sometimes I need it.

Q started his job at Taco Bell yesterday. He got a heap of paperwork that I need to get printed out for him, but he said they did not tell him when to be back. I don't see how that's possible and I think that they probably did, but the information bounced off his brain and got lost. So I told him I'd make sure he had the papers, and that he needed to go back after school today and find out when they want him to show up again for work. That is pretty important information. He said he thought they were going to call him...I don't think that's how this usually works. Guess we'll see.
 
A friend of mine who lives in Richmond, VA, has this important advice for riding out hurricanes:

Fill your bathtub with cats! Wash all the batteries with gas! Fill up your eggs tank! Clean your garbage cans in the dishwasher! Put 2 liters of duct tape in the freezer! Charge all of your bread! Tape your phone to the windows!

And later...

Fill your bathtub with lard! Charge all of your cats! Put all your boiled eggs in a backpack! Fill your dishwasher with existential dread! Sacrifice bread to the milk god Lactosa! Fill up your booze tank! Poop vengefully at the sky! Fill your sandbags with dicks and put them in front of your back door! Use your roommate as a flotation device! Pack extra ham in your hambag! Remember that if a house floats down the street it's technically a houseboat and subject to piracy!

In all seriousness though, if anybody here is in the path of this thing, please be safe. Best wishes everybody!
 
My Virginia friend, today:

This is your last day to prepare VA! Fill your bathtub with bull semen! Boil your toilet paper! Charge your ham! Pack an extra bag of cats! Freeze at least 40 gallons of lizard milk! Strip naked and stand in the window to assert your dominance over the hurricane! Do not break eye contact! Piss yourself if it charges at you! If you have children, dress them like clouds to hide them from the storm! Bring all the unshaved raccoons you see inside! Remember you can use unwanted lint as a flotation device! Put condoms on your lightbulbs to make them last longer! Collect bioluminescent fungus and store it in your nostrils so you can read at night! Do not give strangers your meatloaf! You don't know them!
 
My Dad always used to say

When in danger
Or in doubt
Run in circles
Scream and shout

I hope people come through safely.

Leetah
 
Well, I had a brief conversation with the guy I had concerns about before. I hate to put it this way, but it's the truth...how a person responds to being sort of called out on their behavior, is a test of character. I really wanted to know that this person is someone I can feel ethically/morally comfortable continuing to associate with in terms of my role at the club. In this community, reputation is powerful and the higher you rise in the social strata, the harder you can fall, and the more careful you need to be to keep your good name intact. It's just how it works.

Thankfully, due to all of the processing I'd done before we talked, I was able to make my main points in a fairly concise way, I had all of the bullet points already pretty clear in my mind. And he briefly mentioned how he was seeing part of the situation, but acknowledged that his picture of it may not have been entirely clear. He said that he would be mindful.

I have not heard much from his recently-former-partner, nor from new-girl. The first seems to be hanging in there and getting the support she needs from what I have seen, and the latter has been in another state on a hunting trip. So the whole situation is calmer and quieter now from my perspective, which suits me fine.

There was a meeting yesterday, and a few other members are now interested in joining my committee, so I'll have some new perspectives and hopefully some help in accomplishing some of our objectives. I will stay put for now. But I won't rule out leaving if future developments raise alarms for me again. This man does need to walk his talk.

And Q started work at Taco Bell, his very first job, over the weekend. They have booked this kid the maximum possible hours that he could possibly legally work at his age. We had a plan before, that he'd be doing online classes to make up for the credits he failed (quite a lot of them) last year. That did not work out, the district pulled the plug on it at the very last minute due to some policy they had about his out-of-district status (we were trying to go through another district because ours doesn't have a good online credit recovery program.) That was very frustrating, and cast doubts for me on his ability to make up those credits and graduate with his class. I mean, it isn't the end of the world for him to need an extra semester after 12th grade to finish things up, but I really would have preferred that he be done sooner. Oh, well. Frankly though, I don't think he would be able to do both credit recovery AND this job at Taco Bell. In fact I think that would be pretty impossible. There are only so many hours in a day.

Meanwhile I'd say that between the fact that Q will be busy working and not have the free time to be requesting purchases of online game content so much, and the fact that he'll have his own money to start paying for his trivial nonsense he wants all the time, this should really save me quite a lot. As of today, he has averaged nearly $750/month in direct expenses. Which includes a certain share of groceries, a small amount for utility usage, and a part of the cell phone plan, and that won't change, but is mostly all the other extraneous purchases he needs. Well. Once in a while there are school related costs, or medical things, I'll continue to cover those, too. But I am betting this will save me at least a few hundred a month.

The only thing that might screw that up, is if my ex decides to stop sending support for the kids. He has been unemployed for a couple of months now. He's still getting his disability and unemployment...which is always ironic since he's one of those righty-right gun nut conservative guys who bloviates on the regular about how lazy good for nothing poor people get all of our tax dollars. Even though he's received far more of "our tax dollars" than a lot of people. But his disposition as a hypocritical jackass doesn't really surprise anyone. I only wonder how long his friend will feel ok giving house room to his unemployed stoner buddy...he is still living with his old drinking pal, down in the area where we used to live when we were married. Thankfully on the other side of town from where I now reside. He might as well be on the moon most of the time.
 
Had the news on this morning. The big story is the Kavanaugh situation. From what I understand, when he was in high school, as was the woman at the time, and he was 17, he drunkenly pinned a girl down and groped her. And THIS might be the thing that keeps him out of the Supreme Court. Well.

Look, I don't like the guy. I don't like his positions. I think he stands to do tremendous harm to the rights and freedoms of millions of us, and I'm not digging it. I don't want him to get this, not one bit.

But I've got some major issues with THIS being the reason he doesn't get it.
1. I've done worse, when I was in high school.
2. We watched cartoons where a certain skunk did about this, every damn Saturday morning growing up.

I think that it is wonderful that our cultural narratives are evolving, and the messages we used to promote in the past are shifting, and that consent is a big deal, more than it used to be. This is progress. But I'm not sure it helps that cause to go back retroactively and find everyone who did not know better back then (which will be a lot of us, frankly) and burn the world down over the mistakes of the past. I think that it is a serious test of character how one responds to having been called out on past behavior or bad behavior or questionable behavior. I don't think he is doing best practices in this regard. But I just don't know that in the culture we lived in in the 80's or the 90's that people should necessarily be held to a perfect standard. I mean, there are things in countless movies where the hero had to get nearly rapey to convince the reluctant love interest to be his woman, because that's how the story had to go. Hero gets the girl, no matter what she thinks. He persists and she comes around in time. We sold this script to all the boys and girls of my generation and generations prior and suddenly we expect that everyone knew better always?

Are we going to burn all copies of the old Indiana Jones films where he pursues Marianne relentlessly even though she clearly hates his guts, and eventually wins her love? I believe I read somewhere that in the original books or scripts or something, she was like 15 at the time, and he was in his 20's, how about that, huh?

I think that some slack needs to be cut for how we did not really understand, many of us, how not-ok certain things were, at times. And that life is a learning process. I don't think that one should be defined by a mistake made in ignorance, particularly if they can say that they have learned better ways and live a higher standard since, and have for a long time. At some point we have to let humans be human.

And I believe that if we cannot do that, those of us who are trying to be aware and shift the narrative, then we are going to keep a lot of people who COULD be on our side, angry and opposed to growth. I don't think it helps.

*sigh* So I hope he doesn't get the position, but I'm not thrilled that this seems like it's going to be the reason that he doesn't.
 
If (a different candidate that I didn't find personally reprehensible on other levels) had such an accusation and _admitted it happened_, expressed remorse, expressed a new understanding of consent vs their teenage self, I would agree with you.

This is not that.

This is someone who was clearly ready to try and pretend it never happened (see the pre-prepared list of women saying he couldn't possibly have done such a thing that came out within hours of the initial report...)
 
Spork said:
Fill your bathtub with cats! Wash all the batteries with gas! Fill up your eggs tank! Clean your garbage cans in the dishwasher! Put 2 liters of duct tape in the freezer! Charge all of your bread! Tape your phone to the windows!

And later...

Fill your bathtub with lard! Charge all of your cats! Put all your boiled eggs in a backpack! Fill your dishwasher with existential dread! Sacrifice bread to the milk god Lactosa! Fill up your booze tank! Poop vengefully at the sky! Fill your sandbags with dicks and put them in front of your back door! Use your roommate as a flotation device! Pack extra ham in your hambag! Remember that if a house floats down the street it's technically a houseboat and subject to piracy!

...

This is your last day to prepare VA! Fill your bathtub with bull semen! Boil your toilet paper! Charge your ham! Pack an extra bag of cats! Freeze at least 40 gallons of lizard milk! Strip naked and stand in the window to assert your dominance over the hurricane! Do not break eye contact! Piss yourself if it charges at you! If you have children, dress them like clouds to hide them from the storm! Bring all the unshaved raccoons you see inside! Remember you can use unwanted lint as a flotation device! Put condoms on your lightbulbs to make them last longer! Collect bioluminescent fungus and store it in your nostrils so you can read at night! Do not give strangers your meatloaf! You don't know them!
Click to expand...

LOLOLOL!

I'm in Massachusetts and Florence has just landed. I did all you suggested but I neglected to stake my 5 foot tall cosmos plant which took all summer to bud, because we've been either too rainy or too hot all summer. So I was looking forward to some flowers finally, before the frosts came.

Damn you, Florence! You blew over my cosmos and broke it near the ground! Oh Cosmos, we hardly knew ye.

And am I ever a spoiled brat. I didn't lose my house or my belongings or family members to the floods. Just a plant.

I am so glad your sons are doing better this year. Best wishes they keep their shit together!
 
icesong said:
If (a different candidate that I didn't find personally reprehensible on other levels) had such an accusation and _admitted it happened_, expressed remorse, expressed a new understanding of consent vs their teenage self, I would agree with you.

This is not that.

This is someone who was clearly ready to try and pretend it never happened (see the pre-prepared list of women saying he couldn't possibly have done such a thing that came out within hours of the initial report...)
Click to expand...

Yes. As I said, how one responds to being called on their behavior, is a test of character. It's important.

I think that optimally, if one fucks up, and one eventually is able, with more mature eyes, to look back and say, "Oh wow, shit...I really fucked that up..." then it would be optimal to be able to (if possible, like you'd have to know their full name) find one's victim and offer a sincere apology and ask if there is anything you can do for them to make it right. At least in my own case, that's how I chose to handle that. Of course I can acknowledge that for me, the stakes were not the same. My victim was male, and he brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. I had a feeling he might. Should he have instead taken my admission of teenage guilt and blasted it all over, told my employer, should I have been fired and ostracized from society? Men fear this. Just as women fear the consequences of coming forward, I think that were the genders flipped and I, a male, I'd be afraid of offering the apology that was deserved if the alternative was, "let sleeping dogs lie and hope she's forgotten all about it."

At the very least, when someone does come forward, going into hardcore damage control mode really isn't a good look. His response appeals to the segment of people who believe that women are out to destroy men and it's all a huge conspiracy...but it doesn't appeal to people who are more realistic about how these things go down. Not at all.

I'm just struggling with some frustration over my social media feed, and holding myself back from issuing retorts with my unpopular opinions, because I do know a lot of progressive-activist type people. Most of the time, I appreciate them. But some are saying that it's a good idea for 17 year olds to learn that mistakes they make can follow them through their whole lives. My god. 17 year olds are not able to process even the concept of lifelong consequences. I'm disturbed by the idea that no quarter be given to the very young. My 19 year old is, I believe, making a mistake by studying Culinary Arts in Job Corps right now. Does that mean he should be denied any opportunity to change into a more lucrative career if he later decides he wants to, because he made a choice in his youth and the world is gonna hold him to it, and define him by it forever?

And I wonder, if Kavanaugh had done the best possible thing of saying, "Yeah, I wronged someone out of ignorance. I was getting a lot of cultural messages back then teaching me the wrong things, as were most of us at the time, and I have not been that person in a very long time. I offer my sincerest apologies for the harm I have done."...would he truly be forgiven? How would the media be handling him? Would he be able to continue to be a successful professional in any capacity? It would certainly destroy his bid for this position, but would it destroy his career? Should it?

And is it fair that we angrily burn down men for such transgressions yet forgive a woman like me?

The man I assaulted does not (from what he has said to me, granted he might not be telling me his true feelings, and he doesn't owe me that) carry any deep trauma from our interactions and he says it was just some bullshit shenanigans we were up to as teenagers and it's no big thing, and doesn't weigh on him. The sexual assault I was victim of myself, does not weigh on me. Even immediately after it happened, I questioned whether it was "real" rape because I didn't feel like huddling in a fetal position, I didn't feel broken or damaged, I wasn't weeping or anything. I've said before, the best analogy I can think of is, it was like stepping in dog shit with a bare foot. Disgusting, I wanted nothing but to hurry up and go wash, wash, wash, and then try to forget it ever happened and hopefully never see that man again. I don't hate him. I don't hold anger against him. I think that we had a cultural disconnect and a misunderstanding, and that HE believed he had adequate consent. I would not accuse him or anything today if I had the chance. I don't think of him as some sort of a villain or an evil-doer, nor believe I needed to take any action to protect other women from him. He probably went on to marry some woman and they probably ended up with a bunch of kids, and I can easily imagine him being a devoted family man, because that, too is part of his culture. I would not in a million years do a single thing to harm his employment prospects knowing that the ones who would probably suffer most would be his wife and kids, you know?

So how I process thoughts of my own experiences related to consent violations, definitely colors my opinion about things that come up in the news. I am definitely against the powerful men who have a history of abusing women (or men, or anyone) because they simply feel entitled to do it and get away with it, THAT is fucked up and should stop. But I sincerely believe that people make mistakes and that there are people who are, on the balance, good people, as much as anyone can be considered to be "good", who have violated the consent of others in ways they did not fully understand at the time.

I'm somewhat disturbed by how our society seems to be handling this. It's creating polarization. When one camp wants to destroy anyone who has ever done someone a wrong, allowing no room for growth or change... And the other camp wants to destroy the victims who come forward and defend anyone accused of sexual misconduct... How can we come to a sane middle place where people can admit they've done wrong and learn to be better?

Anyhow, Kavanaugh just brought all this up in my mind. His case is an imperfect example, as I said I am not a fan of his for many other reasons that are more substantial in my mind. And he isn't doing a good job in how he's handling this. No more than any accused person who denies vehemently at first and only admits the truth when the net closes and there's no way out (if then.)
 
Magdlyn said:
LOLOLOL!

I'm in Massachusetts and Florence has just landed. I did all you suggested but I neglected to stake my 5 foot tall cosmos plant which took all summer to bud, because we've been either too rainy or too hot all summer. So I was looking forward to some flowers finally, before the frosts came.

Damn you, Florence! You blew over my cosmos and broke it near the ground! Oh Cosmos, we hardly knew ye.

And am I ever a spoiled brat. I didn't lose my house or my belongings or family members to the floods. Just a plant.

I am so glad your sons are doing better this year. Best wishes they keep their shit together!
Click to expand...

Thankfully my family and many friends of mine who live in the mid-eastern coastal regions of the US are doing ok. I know a ton of people in Virginia and a number of people also in the Carolinas, especially NC. So I was worried.

RIP cosmos plant! :(

With regard to my sons- Thanks! My oldest has me somewhat concerned, but he's the age that for the most part I need to just let go and not worry so much. He's gonna have to find his way in the world. If he wants to turn his back on making butt-tons of money, to pursue a career in burning pancakes, well I guess that's his choice.

The younger one, though, well he seems to be acclimating to Taco Bell. He succeeded in getting his schedule changed so that he'll have Saturday off and can spend time with his Dad, and he's working every evening this week. He tells me not to worry about his schoolwork, he's found ways to get it done and he will manage just fine. I'm monitoring his grades online. He's got a mix of A's, B's, and C's. I'm not really the kind of parent to push my kids to achieve amazing grades and a prestigious GPA and get scholarships and go to fancy schools...I mean, I'm plenty content with "good enough." I don't demand overachievement here, and my ego isn't all wrapped up in them. I just want them to graduate and get some post-secondary training to put them on a path where they can provide for themselves, that's perfectly fine. So unless anything drops to a D, I won't be on his back. I just truly want him to pass, get the credits, get the "I finished high school" box checked. I really need to find time to do more behind the wheel driving training with him, though, so that he can get his license next May. Maybe Sunday evening after he gets off work.
 
Man.

I'm on a group text thing, where my little brother sends pictures of his kids and messages and such to family. I have my brother as a contact, and my Dad. I think my sister in law is on there, and my Stepmom, but their numbers are not saved in my contacts.

Just now my little brother sent out his holiday travel plans for the next several months. Thanksgiving with his wife's family. Christmas in Virginia with family that are there (my Dad's people.) Spring break in Florida with Stepmom's family. He said, "Oh and <Spork> you are welcome to come hang over Christmas if you want." Well that's not going to happen. I can't really afford the time or the money, and my son will be down visiting from Montana and I'm not making him fly across the country after flying down from there. And I know he'll want to see his girlfriend and his father, too.

I'm still feeling hurt about my family sometimes. It is harder now because my Mom was the last one I really talked to often. She was sort of my safe space, I could tell her anything and not worry about it, she would neither judge me nor tell people I might not want to know about this or that. It was all safe with her. And she is working this crazy work schedule now, and has literally NO time or energy for phone calls. She still texts now and then, but I feel like I've lost her.

I don't talk to any of my other family often at all. They will invite me to come visit them, but it's all at my time and expense now, and while I love Virginia to some extent, and the beach in NC in particular (if it recovers from Florence) I can't afford the cost. They can't help me with it. I used to go out and see them from time to time, but not in about the last 4 years. In fact I haven't seen any of my family-of-origin people in 4 years now.

None of them have made any effort whatsoever to visit me since my Dad, Stepmom and little brother came out in 2000, so yeah, not a single family member has given serious consideration to visiting me in 18 years now. My Mom says this is because my ex was so nasty that no one wanted to be around him, or felt welcome when we were together. But it bums me out, and part of that is because in 2000, I lived in a real shit hole of an apartment, and since then I've really moved up in life...but no one has seen it. And I feel very much like my family just doesn't care what I've done in life or where I'm at, like at all. They don't even send cards for my kids' birthdays or anything anymore. Some of them won't talk to me on the phone, a couple will call every several months, if that. I have friends who make me feel more cared about than my family does...and yet even those connections are rarely really close or well maintained.

I just feel like people are all busy and no one cares.

But it hurt to see my family making plans with each other, and feeling as cut off as I do. I'm happy and successful and doing well. My sons can be frustrating sometimes, but they're pretty decent kids (I mean, for teenagers still stumbling through these years of learning, and especially given how hard life has been at times for them. Neither of them is addicted to drugs, or living a sketchy life, and I am downright proud of Q right now.) I don't think there's any real reason for my family to avoid me like this, but I feel like they do.

So even the invite I got to visit over Christmas felt like a throwaway thing, like my brother just happened to notice he was using a text thread that I was included on, and felt he had to include me just to be nice. I wonder if he's relieved that I said it was not likely, as I'd be hosting Ninja for his visit from Montana over the holidays and I was already making plans.

At least I know that my Mom does care, even if she's kind of a nut. She does what she can, sends tins of treats she makes for the holidays, and cards and such. Even when she doesn't have much to give, she gives what she can, and I'm grateful.

I miss my Aunt Jeanette, and my Grandma, who have both passed.

And it feels like fall here, and I have strange emotions about the fall season. Lots of memories attached and feelings of time passing and odd nostalgia. It's always been my favorite season, at least excepting the fact that I am apparently allergic to it, and also my nemesis, the yellowjackets, usually ramp up their efforts to make me anxious during this time of year. But otherwise, I love the fall. But it does get me missing those who used to feel closer, and thinking about years long gone.

I need to find a good way to celebrate Halloween now that I don't have any little kids in my life, yet I do have a teenager still, to consider. I feel like someplace ought to host a Halloween party for teens. It's an awkward time, where they are old enough for it to be weird if they're trick-or-treating, to some extent, or perhaps they don't want to...yet they cannot go to adult parties yet. Last year we just stayed home, and Q and I handed out candy to kids. I think maybe this year I will decorate...and perhaps I can find a place somewhere here that is doing fall things like hayrides and such. Oh, the theme park that Q and I now have season tickets for, IS doing a haunt, so maybe we'll go up for that. Hell, this year, he might even be working on Halloween night. Hm.
 
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