The Struggling Mono Thread
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WhatHappened
Active member
Yes, that's what poly is, and you already said you long for poly. My question is what exactly do you long for that you think you can only get by living a poly lifestyle? A particular person? A second person in general, but no one specific? Variety? 'Longing for poly' doesn't get at what it really is you want.
I understand wanting a deep and caring relationship, but how do you feel multiple relationships are going to be better or solve any problems or bring you greater happiness?
What feelings have you suppressed?
Just a thought: having the capacity for something doesn't mean we ought to do it. How does it improve your life, or the lives of the hypothetical partners, who will be one of several, to love more than one person at the same time?
Monogamy doesn't preclude this. This is how every relationship should ideally be. Again, I'm just trying to get at what it is you're really seeking, or hoping will be better by having multiple relationships.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I think WhatHappened brings up very good points. Longing for "poly" might really mean that you're longing for freedom from your current situation or longing to have a more authentic relationship or longing for a partner who is not possessive in the least - all of which can be part of a monogamous relationship. Maybe not the relationship you currently have, but certainly all of that can be found in one relationship. What does the idea of multiple loves feel like and how does that differ from what you are now experiencing, WishfulPoly?
Interesting questions.
Interesting questions.
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InfinitePossibility
New member
I was reading through this thread this morning and also this morning was sent an old photo of something that my dad built and I wondered about your desire for multiple, deep, caring relationships.
My dad was a man who structured his life around love and friendship. He built a life where those he loved were at the centre of it. He cared deeply, loved well and was not plagued by problems with jealousy or mistrust.
He was monogamous and with my mum for over 50 years of his life.
I'm quite like my dad and find myself more and more as I get older building a life along similar lines. Friends and love are my measures of success.
My experience is that sex and romance is often more of a barrier to lasting friendship and love than it is an enabler of it. So mostly for that reason, I am not willing to be in a poly relationship. I don't want additional partners and I wouldn't have a partner with additional partners.
I am very much loved by a sweet, caring partner who is not possessive or jealous of me and who accepts me for who I am. I am the same way with him.
I'd be wary of assuming that multiple relationships result in more love and less jealousy. Reading these boards over years has taught me that unless the people involved are secure and happy in themselves, multiple relationships can simply produce multiple instances of the problems that people have already been experiencing in single relationships.
IP
My dad was a man who structured his life around love and friendship. He built a life where those he loved were at the centre of it. He cared deeply, loved well and was not plagued by problems with jealousy or mistrust.
He was monogamous and with my mum for over 50 years of his life.
I'm quite like my dad and find myself more and more as I get older building a life along similar lines. Friends and love are my measures of success.
My experience is that sex and romance is often more of a barrier to lasting friendship and love than it is an enabler of it. So mostly for that reason, I am not willing to be in a poly relationship. I don't want additional partners and I wouldn't have a partner with additional partners.
I am very much loved by a sweet, caring partner who is not possessive or jealous of me and who accepts me for who I am. I am the same way with him.
I'd be wary of assuming that multiple relationships result in more love and less jealousy. Reading these boards over years has taught me that unless the people involved are secure and happy in themselves, multiple relationships can simply produce multiple instances of the problems that people have already been experiencing in single relationships.
IP
Re:
Agreed.
But something troubles me. What if two people are happily monogamous with each other for many years, and then one (only one) of the two has a change of heart and now wants to live polyamorously. What is the correct response in this situation? a breakup/divorce? The would-be polyamorous person gets to do as they please? That person sets aside those poly inclinations and agrees to remain monogamous?
A lot of people visit these boards with that dilemma. And I feel uncomfortable giving them advice because I don't know what the right answer is. It seems to be a subject of some controversy.
Agreed.
But something troubles me. What if two people are happily monogamous with each other for many years, and then one (only one) of the two has a change of heart and now wants to live polyamorously. What is the correct response in this situation? a breakup/divorce? The would-be polyamorous person gets to do as they please? That person sets aside those poly inclinations and agrees to remain monogamous?
A lot of people visit these boards with that dilemma. And I feel uncomfortable giving them advice because I don't know what the right answer is. It seems to be a subject of some controversy.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Kevin, I was (am) in that situation and I'd say that nobody has a change of heart out of the blue. The realization or decision to embrace poly is a long time coming and there's a lot that leads up to it. There's no such thing as a happily mono'ed couple in which one suddenly decides to "go poly." Yes, one partner sure can be surprised by the news, but the poly-inclined partner always has a long lead-in, whether she can articulate it or not. As with all relationships, you can't give a blanket statement of advice, you have to look at what's been going on in the years leading up to the point of revelation. The decision to embrace poly happens in the context of the person's life, it's never a change of heart out of the blue.
Also, "what to do" will be different for everyone, depending on the personalities and circumstances. My husband and I have decided to remain married and living together because we have a special needs child and there is a lot of appreciation and affection between us, despite a vast difference in how we view marriage. Not everyone would want to do it my way, but it works for us. Likewise, many people do separate and go on to find very satisfying new lives apart. Every couple negotiates the guidelines in a way that is custom made for them. Your concern is well intended, but there is no recommendation that will suit everyone.
Also, "what to do" will be different for everyone, depending on the personalities and circumstances. My husband and I have decided to remain married and living together because we have a special needs child and there is a lot of appreciation and affection between us, despite a vast difference in how we view marriage. Not everyone would want to do it my way, but it works for us. Likewise, many people do separate and go on to find very satisfying new lives apart. Every couple negotiates the guidelines in a way that is custom made for them. Your concern is well intended, but there is no recommendation that will suit everyone.
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Bluebird
Well-known member
My husband urged me to give poly a try over the course of a week. I did not have a long lead in, though I had been sexually frustrated for all of my adult life. When we discussed it, it made sense and with his blessing I started off trying to find a new partner. He remained mono, and has remained mono, the entire time.
Norwegianpoly
New member
He loves me very much and I don't think he would want to leave me, yet my worry is that he would shut me out somehow. He has sometimes expressed doubts because of poly and the distance, and it has led to insecure feelings. Right now he is in an intense work period at a job he will soon leave. I am on holiday visiting him (the only holiday option I have), we have little quality time together and I guess the situation brings out frustration and fear in me.
As for the subject of poly coming up in a long term monogamous relationship, I don't think there are any right answers. Me and husband used years to discuss it before dipping my toes fully into polyamory. Husband ended up trying poly for himself too, although he has yet to find another steady relationship and perhaps never will. Boyfriend says he would never allow me to have additional partners if we had married first, he prefers me to be mono and just respects my husband enough to share with just him. So I have devoted myself to having just the two these partners.
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It's great that DarkKnight has been so supportive; I think you guys have a wonderful family.
@ Norwegianpoly ... you guys have come to a reasonable compromise, I think. It sounds like your boyfriend is rather monogamous, but willing to make an exception for you.
@ Norwegianpoly ... you guys have come to a reasonable compromise, I think. It sounds like your boyfriend is rather monogamous, but willing to make an exception for you.
Norwegianpoly
New member
He is willing to make the exeption for me. And since I am rather poly-fi it suits me to have just them. So it works out for us. He also says that I have a big heart since I manage to love both of them, I find that is a rather sweet way of looking at it.
I know this is an old thread, but I hope people are still around! I have just recently agreed to allow my bf to pursue certain kinks outside our relationship. I am absolutely terrified of what this might lead to but I feel like it is necessary in order for him to be happy. I am still monogomous although he has said that I can also pursue things. But I have no desire to. I am going to start counselling to deal with my fears and anxieties which at the moment are all consuming. i hope it gets better soon. I am mainly fearful of things that haven't even happened and which might not ever happen.
WishfulPoly
New member
Great start
Alchemy,
You are off to a great start because you understand that although you're uncomfortable you owning your stuff and you are willing to move towards something different. Different isn't always better, but it also isn't always worse. My main challenge with my monogamous husband who refuses to try poly or agree for me to be poly is that it comes from a place of fear and repression. I'm not saying all monogamists are fearful and repressed. Monogamy is a beautiful and effective relationship structure for those who want it and are committed to it. But in his case it is from fear, and we should never make decisions from a place of weakness or fear. I deal with depression and anxiety related to not being able to be myself and to feel accepted as poly.
I know it's hard for you to understand his need to go outside your relationship, but keep an open mind and heart. Allow yourself to think outside the constructs that society has fed you. It doesn't mean he's not crazy about you, or that he's going to leave you. We can love and adore one person and still desire to love or engage in sex with another person. I love my husband more than I can say, but I have a deep need to love other people, and not being able to do that hurts me and breaks my heart, and it affects my intimacy with my husband. Please listen to a podcast called polyweekly, she does a great job of explaining poly and addressing issues like jealousy, communication, etc.
Alchemy,
You are off to a great start because you understand that although you're uncomfortable you owning your stuff and you are willing to move towards something different. Different isn't always better, but it also isn't always worse. My main challenge with my monogamous husband who refuses to try poly or agree for me to be poly is that it comes from a place of fear and repression. I'm not saying all monogamists are fearful and repressed. Monogamy is a beautiful and effective relationship structure for those who want it and are committed to it. But in his case it is from fear, and we should never make decisions from a place of weakness or fear. I deal with depression and anxiety related to not being able to be myself and to feel accepted as poly.
I know it's hard for you to understand his need to go outside your relationship, but keep an open mind and heart. Allow yourself to think outside the constructs that society has fed you. It doesn't mean he's not crazy about you, or that he's going to leave you. We can love and adore one person and still desire to love or engage in sex with another person. I love my husband more than I can say, but I have a deep need to love other people, and not being able to do that hurts me and breaks my heart, and it affects my intimacy with my husband. Please listen to a podcast called polyweekly, she does a great job of explaining poly and addressing issues like jealousy, communication, etc.
Just curious, why do you feel that him pursuing kinks outside of your relationship is "necessary" in order for him to be happy? Has he told you that? Does he appear unhappy now?
Bravo for starting counselling. I was never really much for therapy before, but I'm glad I did. Not in the poly/mono sense - I'm a firm mono, and that won't change - but overall, I learned a lot about who I am, how to effectively deal with emotions (which I admit that I still need a lot of work), and so much more. Good luck.
Monos, why do we do it?
I drew a lot of parallels from reading carl's and ThatRomanticGeek's posts from 2010.
I could see if my wife revealed this to me while we were dating, but it's different when you are approached years after you have been married.
In my case, she recently told me that she wants the freedom to see other men for short-term dating relationships. This was after 30 years of marriage. You can look for the details my other thread, but I basically opened Pandora's box and she caught the poly bug. I'm trying to make it work for me, but it's not easy. I can see the various reasons that she wants to date others, and I am trying to be accepting of it.
I guess that part that bothers me greatly is that for years she cherished the spare time that we spent together. She felt badly if I impacted it by working late at the office or working at home in the evening. Now, she wants to impact it by seeing others. It comes across to me as she places less value on the quantity of our spare time spent together.
She rarely asks me how I am feeling about all of this, and I view it as she wants to avoid the subject. Maybe she has some feelings of guilt? She did mention that she didn't want to do this at my expense. I quietly listen as she talks (sometimes vents) about her feelings in looking for and initially dating other men. She doesn't like their rush to get to the bedroom so quickly.
I have read about how polys should work hard to help their mono feel safe and secure. I don't see much hard work at all.
I drew a lot of parallels from reading carl's and ThatRomanticGeek's posts from 2010.
I could see if my wife revealed this to me while we were dating, but it's different when you are approached years after you have been married.
In my case, she recently told me that she wants the freedom to see other men for short-term dating relationships. This was after 30 years of marriage. You can look for the details my other thread, but I basically opened Pandora's box and she caught the poly bug. I'm trying to make it work for me, but it's not easy. I can see the various reasons that she wants to date others, and I am trying to be accepting of it.
I guess that part that bothers me greatly is that for years she cherished the spare time that we spent together. She felt badly if I impacted it by working late at the office or working at home in the evening. Now, she wants to impact it by seeing others. It comes across to me as she places less value on the quantity of our spare time spent together.
She rarely asks me how I am feeling about all of this, and I view it as she wants to avoid the subject. Maybe she has some feelings of guilt? She did mention that she didn't want to do this at my expense. I quietly listen as she talks (sometimes vents) about her feelings in looking for and initially dating other men. She doesn't like their rush to get to the bedroom so quickly.
I have read about how polys should work hard to help their mono feel safe and secure. I don't see much hard work at all.
Hi gnc0758,
I don't know why she is avoiding the subject, is it possible it is because she's afraid you'll put the brakes on the poly if you talk about it? Sometimes we have irrational fears when it's a sensitive subject.
Sorry she isn't putting much hard work into it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I don't know why she is avoiding the subject, is it possible it is because she's afraid you'll put the brakes on the poly if you talk about it? Sometimes we have irrational fears when it's a sensitive subject.
Sorry she isn't putting much hard work into it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
FeatherFool
New member
I can't tell if this level of sharing upsets you or not, but if it does: tell her. You are allowed to place boundaries. If it would be easier for you to not hear this information: you are allowed to say so. You don't have to be intimately involved in her other relationships any more than you feel you want or need to be.
I recently had an epiphany in my triad: if I waited for them to resolve my issues, it would never happen. Not because they don't care for me, or don't value me, or for any other reason than that they probably don't know how. I'd simply pour my concerns on them... and wait for them to do something about it. Meanwhile, sitting there thinking "I feel awful about this," was getting me nowhere fast. I'd suggest you lay out what you are experiencing, what you feel you need from her, and ask her for help to come up with ideas on how you and she can deal with this together. That conversation worked really well for me, when I felt that my guys were not "trying hard enough". It turns out: they were just as stumped as I was, but together we were able to work out a plan, one we are all invested in seeing succeed.
On the other hand... have you been working hard? What steps have you taken for self-care? To build open communication, to express your expectations of quantity/quality time, etc? Expecting one half of the problem to come up with all of the solution seems unrealistic to me. She isn't a mind reader. She can't know what you need unless you tell her. Waiting for her to ask how you are doing is probably not going to work unless you tell her you need her to check in with you more frequently. Like I am learning, clear communication requires both sides to actively participate; sitting back passively and waiting for her to come to you is going to make this whole thing worse.