The third woman

[Whitney]

Hi everyone. I'm so happy to find this forum!

My husband, Bobby, and I have been married for 10 years and open for almost 3. Our relationship is strong, and opening has gone pretty smoothly so far...we both found secondary partners right away and have been with them the whole time. Our relationships are separate, and we are both sexually monogamous with our secondary partners.

Bobby has twice recently met women who he's attracted to and started "friendships" with them. His girlfriend, Debbie, knows he "has coffee" with women and doesn't want to know unless he finds someone he'd rather be with.
She is clear that she isn't ok with him having sex with someone else, and will end things if he wants another sexual partner.

A couple of weeks ago, Bobby met Tiffany. He told me that he met a new friend (someone connected to his work) and that they were talking. We haven't gone through this process much so we don't have guidelines yet on how much we will share with each other in these situations. I asked about her tonight and he said she has a boyfriend and has mentioned that she's been invited into poly situations before and they haven't been for her. So, he assumes she's not interested in anything other than friendship. BUT they are in contact everyday and Bobby admits that he's attracted to her, and would be interested in exploring if she was. He's also admitted that he likely wouldn't be interested in the friendship if he wasn't attracted to her.

I'm dealing with my own jealousy and wondering why I'm so triggered by this situation.

A: we have agreed to "no betrayal", and he has no idea if her boyfriend knows that she has a new male "friend" that she's in constant contact with and having intimate conversations with.

B: I would hate if someone were shopping for my replacement but keeping me around until he finds her...and I feel like I'm watching him do that to Debbie (triggering my own fear of being left...and in the dark before being left).

C. I have a strong need for things to be transparent, and it seems like Bobby and Tiffany are flirting with starting a relationship but not being honest that that's what they may be doing.

My questions are: Am I being an insecure, jealous, and controlling primary who should just not have any reaction to my husband's new "friend?"

If Bobby isn't actually interested in a friendship, then do I have a right to ask him to get clear with her about what her intentions are, and to ask if her boyfriend knows that they are talking all the time?

Bobby has shared things with Tiffany that we only share with our close friends and secondary partners...like the fact that we don't have sex. Is it unreasonable for me to request that he not share that with someone that he's known for 2 weeks and supposedly is not moving toward a sexual relationship with? I'm positive that Tiffany and I know some of the same people and would like some privacy.

Thank you for any guidance or thoughts. Right now I'm pretty much feeling like a jealous and insecure crazy woman

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

A: You're welcome to choose not to be with someone who might not be as transparent as you would like. It's fine to want partners with compatible values.

B: Bobby and Debbie have acknowledged the limitations to their relationship and choose to enjoy the time they remain compatible rather than end things now. Think about a vacation romance or the fling I had with a guy when I studied abroad for 6 months.

C: You're welcome to find someone who has a similar view on transparency as you. But quick question, let's say Tiffany was in an abusive marriage and planning to leave her violent husband, would you insist they come clean about liking each other and risk their lives?

Q1: It's best not to try and control how you feel, just what you do. You can feel jealous and insecure without acting on it.

Q2: I wouldn't advise you to insist Bobby handle his relationships how you think best. I think you should decide if you're compatible with Bobby given how problematic you consider his approach to relationships.

Q3:Bobby is allowed to discuss who he does and does not have sex with. You can ensure you're not part of what he might disclose by not being in a relationship with him. I might talk about the sex I have with my current partners but I don't speak about the sex I don't have with my exes or acquaintances.

 

[Magdlyn]

To me, polyamory is best practiced ethically. If Bobby is in constant contact with his new "friend" (I assume you mean texting almost non-stop, at work and at home, or working from home with lots of free time on his hands), and speaking of intimate things like sex after only knowing her for 2 weeks, I'd be a bit concerned. Especially since it doesn't seem clear of what either of them consider emotional intimacy.

Bobby met someone through work, named Tiffany, and now they can't stop talking. Would Tiffany's bf be OK with this? Or would he think of it as an "emotional affair"? It seems Bobby doesn't care if Tiffany is breaking her "rules" with her bf. He's just in lust and doing what he wants. Are they flirting heavily and/or cyber-sexing?

There's a grey area where a friendship between 2 people who are attracted to each others' gender in general, turns into an emotional (or almost sexual) affair.

It was good that Bobby admits he wouldn't be pursuing this friendship unless he was attracted to her. He's aware of this. But he might be stepping on toes with his OSO, or with you, or with Tiffany's own moral code, or her bf's expectations.

I am trying to think about good platonic women friends I have. I am bi, so it would be possible to be attracted to my friends, but I've never felt that I am "only" friends with someone because I am hot for her, whether she is attracted to women herself, or not.

Something just seems a bit off about this whole thing. Just a bit sketchy.

As far as telling her that you and he don't have sex, I find that a bit off too. I do believe each dyad has the right to the privacy of certain topics. If you were having sex with Bobby, would you want him to give play by play descriptions of your sex with him, to anyone? To a good friend? To a new friend of 2 weeks? This is something to discuss with Bobby.

On this board we do talk about specific sex acts, but we are anonymous here, so there's not much chance the info will get back to our circle of real life friends.

Jealousy isn't a real emotion. It just masks fear. You do fear a loss here, of Bobby losing Debbie, at least. It does seem like he doesn't like her requirement that he not add another partner besides herself and you. So he's doing this "emotional affair" thing with Tiffany to satisfy his need for fresh excitement, without knowing if Debbie would object, or if T's bf would object!

Maybe you fear losing Bobby yourself, and partly because you are non-sexual with him. You aren't asexual, it seems. You have sex with your OSO. Are you afraid that your bond with Bobby isn't secure? You seem to think he doesn't care enough about Debbie and might want to dump her, "find a replacement." Do you think he might dump you too, even though you've been together 10 years, are married and you say your relationship is strong?

Polyamory can go not so smoothly even though it seemed good at first. It seems you and Bobby need to talk more and negotiate the parameters of your contract.

Is he neglecting you by talking to Tiffany almost constantly?

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm a guy who has female friends who I find attractive, but it's still platonic. We talk about details of our lives with each other as friends do. There is nothing fishy about that to me.

It's really not your business to regulate Bobby's personal life. How he handles things with Debbie is his to deal with.

What you have to deal with is your feelings about it. Attempting to control his behavior is a way to avoid that.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

*As far as telling her that you and he don't have sex, I find that a bit off too. I do believe each dyad has the right to the privacy of certain topics.*

I've always felt that sex is a dicey issue. I mean, a potential partner has the right to ask some questions about my sex life in terms of checking compatibility around safer sex. I might want to confide in my support network about my relationships. I think by nature, once we interact and entwined our lives with other people, some of what is about us becomes "their business" to tell.

If I said something like I'm struggling not having any partners who enjoy sex with me, my friends would know that I don't have sex with any of the people linked in my signature.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Whitney,

I must say, I'm not thrilled with what I'm hearing about the way Bobby is getting involved with Tiffany. So many things wrong with it, I don't know where to begin ...

• It's only been two weeks!
• They're already in contact every day!
• He's already told her things that only close friends and partners should hear!
• He's calling this a "friendship," when he's only in it because he's attracted to her!
• Her boyfriend -- if he knew -- probably wouldn't approve!
• It's not fair to Debbie!

Who do you think is taking the initiative here? Is it mostly Bobby pursuing Tiffany, or mostly Tiffany pursuing Bobby, or, are they both about equally culpable?

I don't think you're being crazy, jealous, controlling, or insecure, I just think you're having a commensurate response to a disproportionate situation. Sure Bobby should get clear with Tiffany on certain things, but more than that, he shouldn't be involved with her in the first place. It's an inappropriate relationship, not in the least because it could easily turn into an affair. Technically, it's Bobby's business, and he should be the one moderating the situation, but as his wife I think you have the right to protest his unethical behavior. Then if he ignores your protests, he puts you in the unenviable position of having to decide whether you need to divorce him.

I hope it doesn't come to that.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[17642990gk294]

As far as telling her that you and he don't have sex, I find that a bit off too. I do believe each dyad has the right to the privacy of certain topics.

I understand why you might feel betrayed by such an intimate fact beeing shared with a third person. You probably think "It doesn't really matter to their relationship at this point so why would he tell her that?" - my guess would be that Bobby (seeing as how he thinks of her as a potential romantic/sexual partner) might assume that Tiffany might feel more comfortable or is more likely to see him in a similar way if he takes away some of the "threat" you pose. If Tiffany comes from a monogamous mindset, Bobby probably thinks she will see him as more of a potential partner if he "eases" her into poly - we all know that comparing to others sexually is one of the biggest fears/insecurities a lot of people have to overcome.
I don't wanna advise on wether condone or condem his behaviour (I have too little experience for that), I just wanted to point out what it read like to me.
Please take it with a grain of salt though, as I am too writing this coming from a more monogamous mindset atm.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I understand why you might feel betrayed by such an intimate fact beeing shared with a third person. You probably think "It doesn't really matter to their relationship at this point so why would he tell her that?" - my guess would be that Bobby (seeing as how he thinks of her as a potential romantic/sexual partner) might assume that Tiffany might feel more comfortable or is more likely to see him in a similar way if he takes away some of the "threat" you pose. If Tiffany comes from a monogamous mindset, Bobby probably thinks she will see him as more of a potential partner if he "eases" her into poly - we all know that comparing to others sexually is one of the biggest fears/insecurities a lot of people have to overcome.
I don't wanna advise on wether condone or condem his behaviour (I have too little experience for that), I just wanted to point out what it read like to me.
Please take it with a grain of salt though, as I am too writing this coming from a more monogamous mindset atm.

True. But it could also be part of the "why are you poly?" conversation and the absence of sex between the OP and Bobby is in fact a genuine motivation for not being monogamous. That again is Bobby's truth to tell.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm dealing with my own jealousy and wondering why I'm so triggered by this situation.

I'm sorry you struggle.

Could you please be willing to clarify?

Our relationships are separate, and we are both sexually monogamous with our secondary partners.

Does that mean Bobby is cheating on current agreements? Cheating on both you and Debbie (his current partners) because this is a CLOSED situation? Nobody is supposed to be dating anyone new?

That's why you are upset?

A couple of weeks ago, Bobby met Tiffany. He told me that he met a new friend (someone connected to his work) and that they were talking. We haven't gone through this process much so we don't have guidelines yet on how much we will share with each other in these situations.

Or are you upset because while people can date new people in this arrangement, you haven't really talked to Bobby about how much info is enough to keep you updated and how much is TMI?

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm dealing with my own jealousy and wondering why I'm so triggered by this situation.

I'm sorry you struggle.

Could you please be willing to clarify?

Our relationships are separate, and we are both sexually monogamous with our secondary partners.

Does that mean Bobby is cheating on current agreements? Cheating on both you and Debbie (his current partners) because this is a CLOSED situation? Nobody is supposed to be dating anyone new?

That's why you are upset?

Debbie, knows he "has coffee" with women and doesn't want to know unless he finds someone he'd rather be with. She is clear that she isn't ok with him having sex with someone else, and will end things if he wants another sexual partner.

Are you upset because you like Debbie and are used to her. But knowing that she prefers to bow out if another person joins this poly network as Bobby's new partner, she prefers to leave?

A couple of weeks ago, Bobby met Tiffany. He told me that he met a new friend (someone connected to his work) and that they were talking. We haven't gone through this process much so we don't have guidelines yet on how much we will share with each other in these situations.

Or are you upset because while people can date new people in this arrangement, you haven't really talked to Bobby about how much info is enough to keep you updated and how much is TMI? And you don't much care for his dating style? Or his communication style?

Galagirl

 

[Whitney]

Hi everyone. Thank you for your replies. It's helpful to get lots of perspectives.

Bobby isn't cheating. We created guidelines that were pretty loose (and naive) when we opened 3 years ago, then jumped right into relationships. Technically he can do what he wants in our relationship, but he just kinda started this deeply emotional and sexually charged "friendship" with Tiffany during a time when both have tons of time to spend on the phone. (This is highly odd behavior for Bobby...he doesn't talk to anyone everyday...including Debbie). We haven't re-visited our need and guidelines so we haven't discussed how we want to handle dating...he just kinda jumped in and got deep fast without talking with me. It threw me off guard and I got scared that he wasn't being thoughtful about it and might get carried away with NRE...which he admitted was strong. He doesn't seem to get how hard it is to be on the other side...he's never been there.

Debbie is cool with him talking to other women as long as there is no sex.

Bobby recently confirmed that Tiffany is attracted to him, but she says she's only interested in friendship b/c she's not poly. And apparently her boyfriend is also cool with her having new platonic friendships. So no one is being deceptive. But Bobby admits that the fact that he's attracted to her is a big part of the allure, so it feels messy to me. That's not how either of us choose our friends.

Bobby and I are comfortable with each other's current partners (meaning I'm comfortable with Debbie). I'm realizing we need to put effort into our relationship and make sure it's fortified before new people are brought into the pictures. We've never dated...we jumped right into long-term relationships.

I asked Bobby if pursuing this "friendship" is a need for him, and he said no it's a want...NRE feels good. I've asked him to cease talking with Tiffany so we can get clear on our guidelines and needs, and he agreed. It's clear that Bobby doesn't have the same range of emotions I have and therefore can't foresee when he needs to take time to make sure I feel secure before he pursues a new person. I'm new to this and want to take care of our relationship. I think we've naively thought we're so solid that we have total freedom, but the truth is we have never dated and need to take things slowly.

Thank you again for your thoughtful replies!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Hi everyone. Thank you for your replies. It's helpful to get lots of perspectives.

Bobby isn't cheating. We created guidelines that were pretty loose (and naive) when we opened 3 years ago, then jumped right into relationships. Technically he can do what he wants in our relationship, but he just kinda started this deeply emotional and sexually charged "friendship" with Tiffany during a time when both have tons of time to spend on the phone. (This is highly odd behavior for Bobby...he doesn't talk to anyone everyday...including Debbie). We haven't re-visited our need and guidelines so we haven't discussed how we want to handle dating...he just kinda jumped in and got deep fast without talking with me. It threw me off guard and I got scared that he wasn't being thoughtful about it and might get carried away with NRE...which he admitted was strong. He doesn't seem to get how hard it is to be on the other side...he's never been there.

Debbie is cool with him talking to other women as long as there is no sex.

Bobby recently confirmed that Tiffany is attracted to him, but she says she's only interested in friendship b/c she's not poly. And apparently her boyfriend is also cool with her having new platonic friendships. So no one is being deceptive. But Bobby admits that the fact that he's attracted to her is a big part of the allure, so it feels messy to me. That's not how either of us choose our friends.

Bobby and I are comfortable with each other's current partners (meaning I'm comfortable with Debbie). I'm realizing we need to put effort into our relationship and make sure it's fortified before new people are brought into the pictures. We've never dated...we jumped right into long-term relationships.

I asked Bobby if pursuing this "friendship" is a need for him, and he said no it's a want...NRE feels good. I've asked him to cease talking with Tiffany so we can get clear on our guidelines and needs, and he agreed. It's clear that Bobby doesn't have the same range of emotions I have and therefore can't foresee when he needs to take time to make sure I feel secure before he pursues a new person. I'm new to this and want to take care of our relationship. I think we've naively thought we're so solid that we have total freedom, but the truth is we have never dated and need to take things slowly.

Thank you again for your thoughtful replies!

To me, it all sounds super controlling. It isn't naive to have guidelines that let the people IN the relationships decide how those relationships go in terms of pace and depth. If he can do what he wants, let him to do what he wants. Why are you trying to interfere and get him to do things the way you want him to? IME, people in Bobby's position start to tell you what you want to hear and do what they want because they resent being controlled.

I think let Bobby decide if being attractive is something he likes in a friend. It sounds like you said "we don't do that do we, Bobby?" and he sheepishly whimpered "no" in response. If it wasnt how he wanted to choose his friends , he wouldnt be enjoying a fun friendship with Tiffany like he is. Look at his actions. This is what he wants to do. He doesnt want to be like you and do things in ways that suit you. He isn't you. He is Bobby. Just happens to have married you.

Your emotions do not make you wiser or more knowledgeable, in this instance, they've made you controlling and interfering. How dare you assume that your insecurity and jealousy mean you can read his other relationships better than him.

I would put my house on the fact that Bobby will soon get sick of you interfering and do exactly what he wants. You are way, way, way, too controlling. You need to learn where you end and others begin. Really really concerning ideas in this post. Poor Bobby.

 

[17642990gk294]

Bobby recently confirmed that Tiffany is attracted to him, but she says she's only interested in friendship b/c she's not poly. And apparently her boyfriend is also cool with her having new platonic friendships. So no one is being deceptive. But Bobby admits that the fact that he's attracted to her is a big part of the allure, so it feels messy to me. That's not how either of us choose our friends.

I have friends I am flirty with (though I am currently not lookin for a new partner), even people who are in monogamous relationships and where I know both and would never do anything to seriously undermine their partnership - as long as the lines are clear (we flirt, nothing else happens, this is part of our friendship dynamic) I don't see how that is messy?

And it seems that the lines here are pretty clear and that this now is how Bobby wants to have the friendship.
You demanding him to stop talking to Tiffany feels odd:
You are now controlling who he has friendly (not romantic) contact with. Tiffany has made clear she wants platonic friendship only and Bobby has agreed to that. Does Bobby need to have your approval for all his friends? Do you not trust Bobby to stick to that agreement?

To me it sounds more like you are experiencing jealousy (e.g. when he is talking a lot to Tiffany on the phone) and your reaction is to stop the behaviour because it will stop your jealousy/insecurity without adressing the underlying issue - which is that you want more of the same attention he is currently giving to Tiffany to be given to yourself.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have friends I am flirty with (though I am currently not lookin for a new partner), even people who are in monogamous relationships and where I know both and would never do anything to seriously undermine their partnership - as long as the lines are clear (we flirt, nothing else happens, this is part of our friendship dynamic) I don't see how that is messy?

It seems kind of borderline, since they are talking "all the time." If I were Tiffany's bf on the other end, I might be thinking, "Just how platonic is this constant intimate chatting?"

Of course, we are all doing weird things now to combat lockdown boredom. For all I know, Tiffany's bf is also chatting up random women, and doesn't care if Tiff is talking to Bobby. Who knows? I don't get the "mono" mindset, because I think we are all promiscuously wired anyway.

And it seems that the lines here are pretty clear and that this now is how Bobby wants to have the friendship.
You demanding him to stop talking to Tiffany feels odd:
You are now controlling who he has friendly (not romantic) contact with.

It sounds a bit more romantic than just platonic, since the talk is constant, they have both admitted being attracted to each other, and they are talking about sex!

Tiffany has made clear she wants platonic friendship only, and Bobby has agreed to that. Does Bobby need to have your approval for all his friends? Do you not trust Bobby to stick to that agreement?

What people say: "This is plantonic," and what people do: chat constantly, including about sex, often contradict each other.

It seems Whitney does not trust Bobby because their boundaries and contract are not clear, and they are new to "dating" having "jumped right into a long term relationship." What is flirting and what is actual sexual behavior, on the phone? What is sex? If Bobby and Tiff are getting aroused when they talk to each other (NRE is a sexual feeling) is that all good with everyone? Debbie, Tiff's bf, Whitney?

To me, it sounds more like you are experiencing jealousy (e.g. when he is talking a lot to Tiffany on the phone) and your reaction is to stop the behaviour because it will stop your jealousy/insecurity, without adressing the underlying issue - which is that you want more of the same attention he is currently giving to Tiffany to be given to yourself.

And that's OK. Often when a person is new to handling NRE, they do neglect their established partner(s). Whitney can bring this to Bobby's attention, that he is neglecting her, and doing something he's never done before: constant phone chat, and let him know how she feels about that. She can request he do it less often, simmer down a bit. He can either agree to do that (to preserve his relationship with Whitney), or not.

It's always OK to request something. Then the other party can agree to fulfill the request, or not agree. If he doesn't agree, then they will need to decide what to do about that.

There is an article called poly hell which addresses NRE gone wrong.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think it is generally best to let the people in the relationships decide the nature of the relationship rather than assign the labels that most make sense to you.

 

[17642990gk294]

And that's OK. Often when a person is new to handling NRE, they do neglect their established partner(s). Whitney can bring this to Bobby's attention, that he is neglecting her, and doing something he's never done before: constant phone chat, and let him know how she feels about that. [...]
It's always OK to request something. Then the other party can agree to fulfill the request, or not agree. If he doesn't agree, then they will need to decide what to do about that.

I just want to make clear that I agree; jealousy is a compeltely normal emotion and your proposed way of adressing the issue is healthy and constructive. Whitney could bring up that she feels neglected and wants him to give her the same sort of attention he is bestoing upon Tiffany. Or she could say that she is hurt when he considers a romantic relationship with Tiffany without checking in with her.
However, disallowing Bobby to have contact with Tiffany by asking him to *cease* talking to her is encroaching and possessive.

What people say: "This is plantonic," and what people do: chat constantly, including about sex, often contradict each other.

Platonic intimacy is created in numberous ways. I don't see how talking about sex or chatting a lot is inherently un-platonic. Depending on your age, attitude and interests, talking about sex might be completely normal within a friendship setting - especially when the friendship originated in a romantic approach in which the topic of polyamory came up.

It seems Whitney does not trust Bobby because their boundaries and contract are not clear, and they are new to "dating" having "jumped right into a long term relationship." What is flirting and what is actual sexual behavior, on the phone? What is sex? If Bobby and Tiff are getting aroused when they talk to each other (NRE is a sexual feeling) is that all good with everyone? Debbie, Tiff's bf, Whitney?

I again agree, but I don't think Whitney is approaching this right. She can discuss all of these issues between her and Bobby and find a common ground. She, however, should not micro-manage Bobbys (or Tiffanys) relationships. Her side of the relationship is Whitney-Bobby, but by requesting a stop of contact she meddles massively in the (as of yet understood by both parties purely platonic) reationship Bobby-Tiffany.
I mean what are you trying to say? Everytime Bobby talks to someone he might find attractive he should declare whether he felt aroused doing it or not? And then Whitney gets to decide who he is allowed to feel arounsed around and under what conditions "they do that" and under which not?

 

[FallenAngelina]

...we have never dated and need to take things slowly.

Do you mean that you never dated each other? Jumped into a relationship right away? Or do you mean that you have never been open and free to date other people outside of your poly-fi group?

 

[Magdlyn]

I just want to make clear that I agree; jealousy is a completely normal emotion and your proposed way of adressing the issue is healthy and constructive. Whitney could bring up that she feels neglected and wants him to give her the same sort of attention he is bestoing upon Tiffany. Or she could say that she is hurt when he considers a romantic relationship with Tiffany without checking in with her.

However, disallowing Bobby to have contact with Tiffany by asking him to *cease* talking to her is encroaching and possessive.

She can ask anything. She just can't demand or command anything. They are equal adults. They get to express their feelings and thoughts and negotiate the terms of their contract.

Platonic intimacy is created in numberous ways. I don't see how talking about sex or chatting a lot is inherently un-platonic. Depending on your age, attitude and interests, talking about sex might be completely normal within a friendship setting - especially when the friendship originated in a romantic approach in which the topic of polyamory came up.

The bold part is what is concerning!

I again agree, but I don't think Whitney is approaching this right. She can discuss all of these issues between her and Bobby and find a common ground.

She, however, should not micro-manage Bobby's (or Tiffany's) relationships. Her side of the relationship is Whitney-Bobby, but by requesting a stop of contact she meddles massively in the (as of yet understood by both parties purely platonic) reationship Bobby-Tiffany.

She can request anything she wants to request. If she feels that Tiff/Bobby (Bobbany/ Tiffabob?) is hot and heavy and skirting the lines of platonic, she can say that. As a friend, she can ask Bobby if he wants to be a part of a possible cheating arrangement. She could suggest Bobby ask Tiffany if her bf is really OK with them chatting constantly. Maybe Tiff is sneaking the conversations, doing it when her bf is away, or asleep.

As an experienced poly person, who has dealt with dozens of liars and cheaters, who tell me one thing, and tell their other partner something else, I
assert this is something to be hyper careful about.

It just doesn't seem like Bobby is thinking with his big head. He's just going ahead, and being hot for Tiff, and having fun talking inimately, thinking with his little head. He's obsessed. He's talking to her constantly. I haven't talked to a platonic friend "constantly" since I had bffs in my schooldays. And even then, we had schoolwork and chores to do.

I mean what are you trying to say? Everytime Bobby talks to someone he might find attractive, he should declare whether he felt aroused doing it or not? And then Whitney gets to decide who he is allowed to feel arounsed around and under what conditions "they do that" and under which not?

No, that's just silly. But some poly couples do negotiate in such a way: "I don't need to know every time you talk to someone, or every time you find someone attractive. I would like to be informed about when you're considering having sex, or a romantic relationship. And if I see you carrying on, talking constantly to a person in an intimate way, who is supposed to be mono, I am going to raise a caution flag. I don't want you to get beat up by her bf. I don't want her to be dumped out onto Covid St if her bf gets upset by her/your behavior."

And

"I see you talking constantly to Tiff (it could be video games, or any other hobby) and I am envious and I feel neglected. I'd like us to plan some dates, and do something fun together, for X days a week, where you don't talk to Tiff, and we don't talk about her, either. Just time for us."

Whether this is a "relationship" or "just" a "friendship," Bobby is obsessed with Tiff, and neglecting Whitney, or so it seems to me.