The Yo-Yo Effect

just3

just3

New member
Okay, this is driving me insane, what I am calling the yo-yo effect.

Background-- about 2 years ago (well, okay, off and on in 12 years of marriage, but more seriously in the past 2 years) hubby has talked about me getting a bf. Or a fuck buddy seems to be a better term for how it feels right now. I finally changed my mono way of thinking (well, not completely mono, but since I was married, I figured mono). He encouraged it. He texted about it, sent me links, pictures of threesomes, etc. So I said, "Okay, I'm fine with this, but has to be someone I can care about. I'm not good with no strings attached." If I remember correctly, HE set up this account, even though I'm the only one that talks.

Now, after one failed relationship (due to the guy just being embarrassed after 6 months, not wanting the relationship known to anyone any of us knew), I started dating again.. Trying to find one that, well, I could love, honestly. I have met with a few, but only spent much time with one. And it turns out we make good friends, but that's it. lol

Now the hubby is going back and forth with it's okay, it's not okay, it's okay, it's not okay, every freaking week. The last time was this weekend. Friday he told me to go meet with this other guy. So I did. Guy's really cool. Nice to hang out with. Could possibly be someone I could have more with.

(Although I am talking to one I haven't met yet. It's a toss-up. lol)

So I met said guy. We hung out for a few hours. I came home at 2 am and went to bed. Got up Saturday (630 am) fixed hubby's coffee, like I do every day he goes to work. He hugs me, says love you, bye, and off he goes. During the next 2 hours, he texts nice messages. I call him and he proceeds to be a jerk, starts saying, "How do I know you won't just walk out?" And the whole bs about him no longer giving me what I need. This continues for awhile and I finally just say I'm done, ready to walk out the door.

This happens almost weekly. I go out, hope he's a nice guy. Hubby gets pissed because he doesn't understand why I'm doing this. That he's not enough.

I didn't talk to him hardly at all after this.

Sunday night we had another blow up, where I told him this same stuff. Last night was the first time in awhile that we even had sex. Not saying I wanted to with him after all the crap of these past couple months.

Honestly, I'm ready to walk out on 12 years of marriage because of this crap. I'm at a loss what to do. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster with him. I'm worn out.

Some of the insensitive crap he does dates back to day one of our marriage. I have been a SAHM more than I have worked in all these years. And he takes a lot for granted, unless reminded. Then it's all good for awhile.

I even told him to go find himself a gf. lol. He says he doesn't want one.

I'm just tired and worn out and dunno which way is up.

Chris
 
Seriously, as long as this stuff has been going on, you guys could probably benefit from some marriage counseling.
 
I have thought of that too, and even suggested it at one time. But got "I don't need a stranger telling me how to feel." And he doesn't think things are as bad as I portray them. Then again, he's not the one getting his head bit off, either.

With all the problems some have in marriage, I know ours isn't that bad. But I get tired of my emotions getting yanked around, and having no ideas as to WHY. I get tired of being treated like I am the one that's wrong, especially in this situation. It took me a year to open myself up to a possibility that I was very open to as a much younger person before marriage. It's like, do I stop and stifle myself now, after all the encouraging he's now undecided on, to please him? Or do I continue and see where things go? I keep hoping when his work hours go back to normal (which should be in a couple weeks), and we have more time together as a couple, the stress will lessen. I would understand right now if he said he wants the time he's home for me to be here, if he would just SAY THAT, but he hasn't. He's encouraged me to go out, but the next day is hateful.

Guess I'm really just unsure where to go with him. Because I have kids it makes it hard to pack up and go because I'm not happy with the way things are. Plus I really don't like running off from issues. After 12 years we have been through lots of things. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on when he's not saying, and exactly what can I do to make it better. Frustrated. I love him. I want things to work. I just have no idea as to how to make it work with the bullheaded part of him.

Chris
 
It seems like you need to fix your marriage before taking on more relationships. No, he hasn't asked you to close it up, probably because he is embarrassed that he asked you to open it up in the first place, but he obviously isn't coping. Just as couples think they can repair a broken relationship by adding kids into the mix, some people think that opening up a relationship will also be a healer. Sometime it can be but mostly it just emphasises the problems.
 
I agree with Sage. I think you could just leave the other relationships alone while you sort this out. I think it would show him that you seriously want this to work out between you both first, and would give you a fresh start where no one has asked the other for anything. It would be understood that once the work you need to do is done, you will work towards starting new relationships.

Therapy is NOT about someone telling you how to feel! That is NOT good therapy. Therapy is about someone walking beside you while you figure your shit out. They are there to invite you to look at things that you may have missed, and to dig deeper into issues and emotions you have. Your partner doesn't seem to have a clue about this. I suggest he do some research. I also think you could use some extra help here.
 
redpepper said:
I think you could just leave the other relationships alone while you sort this out. I think it would show him that you seriously want this to work out between you both first. It would give you a fresh start. It would be understood that once the work you need to do is done you will work towards starting new relationships.

Therapy is NOT about someone telling you how to feel. It is about someone walking beside you while you figure your shit out. They are there to invite you to look at things that maybe you have missed, and to dig deeper. Your partner doesn't seem to have a clue about this. I suggest he do some research. You could use some help.
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I agree, RP. I have been in therapy before for many years in my younger years. It would be nice to have a third party who doesnt have emotions involved in the situation help the communication gap that I thought we had bridged long ago.

I just hate not knowing what he is thinking right now and he's still not explaining.

I'm gonna sit down with him tonight and try to talk and see where he wants to go from here. Some of the comments made makes me know that he's just being down on himself because his job. He seems to think I should divorce him and find someone who could take care of me better (which I find to be a load of crap). But he has stated he just wishes life wasn't paycheck to paycheck most of the time and his job has just made some situations worse in the past five years. Lovely economy has too many companies not giving raises, etc.

I told him the other day I was tired of being pushed away, only to be yanked back because he got scared I really was gonna walk out the door.

Sage, I also wonder about him deciding that he was wrong to open up our marriage like this. That's why I gave it so long before I opened up and considered. I didn't want it to be something he was just kidding about. At his comments every so often over the years, I just laughed. Then for a year straight, he brought it up almost daily. That's when I started to take him seriously. I hate that as soon as I start having feelings for someone else it became an issue. And I feel wrong that I did.

I hope he will open up and talk to me tonight. I know I can't keep going back and forth because of his mood shifts, on any situation. It's not just poly stuff that does this. It happens at other life hiccups too. And I do get worn out and feel like a monkey in the middle between the 2 sides of his emotions...

I'm going to bring up these suggestions and thoughts and see if he will discuss it all with me. Thank you all for what you have said. I do agree I wouldn't want to bring someone in while stuff is up in the air with his feelings. Still hard for me to always be the one to give in to him because of them.

Chris
 
I can see where you're coming from-- that you feel like you didn't jump into things until he convinced you it was okay, but as soon as you found someone you cared about, the brown stuff hit the oscillating device. :)

One thing I've realized going through some of this stuff, is that there's a BIG difference in what you think is great intellectually, and then how that stuff affects you mentally and emotionally when it is a REALITY and not some fantasy in your head.

Basically, it just brought out all of the stuff that was bothering him about himself, his job, etc., this WHOLE time. Yes, it would have been nice if he could just tell you what's bothering him, but honestly, for most people this is hard. Stereotypically, it can be much harder for men, as they are not as used to tossing their emotions around in their head to figure them out like us women can be. :)

I would definitely try seeing this as something that put a spotlight on cracks and issues between the two of you that you need to work out together-- with the help of somebody who can help you keep the conversation on track, ask pertinent questions, and give you the tools to communicate better with each other and help you become stronger together.

What I'm seeing is that your hubs is feeling like a bad provider. That can be traumatic for men, as sometimes that is THE most important role they see themselves in. Helping him see that he's so much more than that to you, and figure out ways to improve the situation will help tremendously.

Good luck.
 
It sounds to me like maybe he is setting himself up to be the victim and you to be the bad guy, when in truth, he feels like a failure. But he'd rather be a victim than a failure.

It's black and white thinking. Someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong, instead of, "Something is missing in our relationship. What is it and what can we do about it?"

It almost sounds like he is hoping you WILL fall in love with someone else and leave him, kind of like a passive way of escaping his problems and his responsibilities in life. He doesn't have to do it this way! He is scared. I think he's afraid he can't make you happy and he can't take care of his family the way he would like. Financial fears are real, I get that, but it sounds like he is frightened of intimacy, as well.

If he won't go to therapy with you, I always hear professionals suggest that you go alone. At least you can get some help sorting through which issues are yours and which are his. Sounds like he's blurring them. You deserve some clarity!
 
Carma said:
It almost sounds like he is hoping you WILL fall in love with someone else and leave him, kind of like a passive way of escaping his problems and his responsibilities in life. He doesn't have to do it this way! He is scared. I think he's afraid he can't make you happy and he can't take care of his family the way he would like. Financial fears are real, I get that, but it sounds like he is frightened of intimacy, as well.
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This is something I have said to him, as far as him hoping I will leave. Then he tries to hold on tighter and say that's not it. But yet, he has said I should get the divorce and find someone else. How is this not confusing? He says I'm right, he did say all of that, and more, and he doesn't want me to leave. But at same time, he doesn't know what he wants.

In the end, it seems to falls back on me to make the peace. To let go? To do whatever it takes to please him?

I love him. But I'm feeling pretty numb to the whole situation right now. Whether he regrets opening up the relationship, that the fact all the fantasies in his mind became reality and he freaked or not (which is, I'm sure, a great portion of it too). I'm being yanked back and forth. And it's frustrating when I have no clue what to do because he's contradicting himself with each sentence.
 
just3 said:
I have no clue what to do because he's contradicting himself with each sentence.
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Right. And most likely that is because his feelings are changing in that short amount of time. One minute it's fine, the next the world is ending. This is exactly why he needs someone to talk to to help him sort through those feelings.

Very stereotypical here, but men tend to not be able to identify exactly what they are feeling and/or why as easily as women. I read a great book on this by a male therapist. Basically, his experience was that while women are often sorting through their feelings-- why do I feel this? what does this mean? men do not do this. Often they cannot identify what emotion they are feeling. They just know they feel BAD, and they want it to stop. If X is making me feel bad, X needs to stop or go away. It becomes that basic.

This is not healthy, but this is where many men are coming from. It takes WORK to find out why you're reacting to something, to sort through and identify what emotions are really there, to figure out what's real and what you're making up in your head. Here is where a good counselor is helpful. :)

On your end, basically, there isn't anything you can do to help him with that. What you can do, is see someone to talk through the frustration with, and help you see that his conflicting daily emotions are not your responsibility, and you need to let them happen, but yet not get sucked into them so that they are affecting you so much. This is not easy. It takes practice, like most skills. But that's where counseling helps. Someone you can vent the frustration to, who will help you see what you can do to help, and what you can STOP doing to help, and when to just sit back and let him deal.

I know as women sometimes it's really hard for us to understand how somebody can NOT know what they are feeling or why. It's just one of those things we have to accept as a difference.
 
For the past hour and a half, we have been texting back and forth. Pretty much everything said here (what I said, plus insights from you awesome peeps). And he's finally talking. Most things we talked about did have to do with the poly situation. But lots has been talked about in just our daily lives. So far, these are the things that have been, I won't say resolved, but stated.

1. Me being in another relationship is fine. He wants me to, but doesn't want me hurt like I was with the last one.
Understandable, because he had to watch me go through the sadness.
But I also explained that sometimes that happens, like in any relationship.
2. He's worried about me dating, because crazy people are out there. He's afraid something bad is going to happen to me.
Again, understandable, and we will this discuss more later. Stating his fear made me see that we will make sure to set up something
to ease his fears and make sure he knows I'm safe.
3. He needs to say how he feels, instead of reacting with very hurtful things.
As he stated, I am upfront with my feelings, and he needs to do the same.
4. His job situation has been a biggie for a while. He says as soon as schedule goes back to normal he will actively search for something else.
After 5 years of the stress from this place, I'm glad to hear he is deciding a change is really in order.
5. We do need to sit down and discuss things more clearly.
This is very valid. In poly, I was unaware that he didn't remember boundaries, etc. Maybe it's time they are written down so they won't be forgotten in daily life, just us. We need to discuss how our day has been, instead of letting it fester and blowing up weeks later.
6. He promised he would stop the yo-yo effect. He is still okay with poly; still wants me to open myself emotionally and physically. It wasn't fair to do that, because he had some insecure moments. He did state that he wanted to meet the guy, which is okay. That's how I want it, anyway. :) But at same time, I'm not going to jump into any relationship yet. I want to know a person well before I get involved.

That's only part of it, but it makes me feel better. In his words, "I'm a stupid stubborn fucking man that doesn't always understand how he feels or how to describe it." LOL I couldn't help but laugh, because I said almost those same exact words over the weekend.

During this whole conversation, he has said over and over again how sorry he is that he reacted the way he did, and he shouldn't have been going back and forth. Knowing now from his mouth that it's fear for me, not fear of the outside relationships, makes me feel a little better. It's a relief for him to talk. But damn, it pisses me off that almost every bit of the crap he took out on me had to do with his job, or fear of me being hurt in some way. Instead of just talking about it. I'm starting to see sometimes he needs a kick in the ass! lolol.

Now to see what this discussion leads up to.

Many years ago, we went through something similar, but it had to do with us working opposite shifts for 2 years. We never saw each other. When I quit my job, we had to relearn to deal with each other, reconnect, etc. It took a really long time to get on the same page. He realized it feels the same as it did then. Since it's been brought to light, he is determined not to let the same BS happen again.

We have been only seeing each other maybe an hour a day for the past few months, due to his job. So it does feel like it. Now that he sees it, maybe, just maybe, it's been nipped before it hits a complete downfall.

Thanks for all your input, guys. Let's hope that things will be calmer again. I can't stand to feel so out of sorts and confused.

Chris
 
It really was exhausting. lol. After having the major blow up we had to talk... and talk... and talk a lot more. Sometimes he holds crap in till it builds to the eruption. He hasn't done that since then :) We have talked when stress starts to hit, not when it's piled on so thick you can't breathe. Sometimes things take the blow out to get back on track.

He now tells me all about his day instead of just saying all right, or whatever. Normally he did tell me about how things were. But he had gotten where he was so wrapped up in the crap he forgot to talk to me. Took the blow up to realize he was closing me off. With him closing me off, I had no idea what was going on, or how he felt, so it started feeling to me like a ton of bricks weighted down on me. And so he just struck out with the stress on the one thing he could focus on-- me.

I even started dating again after this all went down and we talked, making sure to stick to his days off and keep the communication there. Hubs has met one and will soon meet the other. It's a preference of mine that the person and my hubs can get along. :) And of course I'm dating to find the one that sparks my... interest. lol. Hubby is my first priority and his happiness in any situation. :D

Okay, that was a lot of rambling. lol. Last night, I went to the apartment of the one guy hubs hasn't met, and had a awesome time. ;) Hubs was supposed to meet him last night, but he was super tired, which is understandable after a 12 hour work day. Maybe next time.

So all the rambling is me talking without even 1 cuppa coffee in! AKKKKK

Even in all the frustration, communication is the key to everything, and that was breaking down in us. That blow-up freak-out session was needed to throw things back to where they needed to be. And he stopped the yo-yo shit that was making me feel crazy. That he was just so overwhelmed with everything (not even just the poly stuff), it all rolled into one big ball, and well... I was the target because I'm the one he trusts to still be there even when "he's a prick" (his words). lol

Thanks, everyone, for listening to our crap. haha. I'm sure there will be more downs, as well as ups.

Chris
 
Hi Chris,

I'm so glad you got S to open up and examine his emotions, and you two seem to be getting in the habit of talking things over asap, instead of him holding things in until they can't help but erupt in hurtful confusing ways! I hope this continues, I hope you two get more time together soon, and I hope you increase your sex and kissing to increase the warm bonding hormones a good relationship should have.

I had a thought about the actual poly bit, though, when I read your OP. You say S wants you to get a lover, but he doesn't want one for himself. You don't say WHY he wants you to get a lover. You didn't seem to want one, and have just gone along with it to please S.

However, now you've gotten accustomed to it, and have had some enjoyable experiences with a few men.

I get the feeling S has a desire to feel cuckolded. The idea of another guy fucking his wife makes him turned-on, yes? However, I also get the feeling he feels threatened when it actually happens, especially because you need a guy you really like, before sexing him, whereas what S wanted was just for you to have a FB, sex alone.

Now, it's normal for guys to get off on the idea of their female partners getting fucked by another guy. (Read the great book Sex at Dawn if you don't believe me. It discusses the polyamorous or promiscuous behaviors of our hunter-gatherer ancestors.) But it's also normal for people to feel threatened when their partner actually develops strong feelings for another partner. Jealousy and fear of loss develops. This is so common. New Relationship Energy can overwhelm the new lovers and make the primary feel quite neglected.

So. You say you and S haven't had much sex lately. Is it possible however, that when you are on a date, and having sex with someone else, S is masturbating to the idea? Many men get all turned on by something, but once they cum, they are then disgusted at the fantasy (or even a real person, if they were actually fucking) that turned them on seconds ago... That's a guy thing.
 
S and I are back to our almost daily sex. Which makes me feel a lot better lol.

S did want me to get another lover. He honestly wanted it to be a threesome-type thing. I have major hang ups on that because of past horrors.
He understood and then was okay with me getting the bf. But yes, the fear of me finding someone else and leaving him was there, like a nasty thing in shadows. I'm sure it will take time to realize that I love his ornery ass and he's stuck with me. lol As far as him getting another lover, I think that's still up in the air. He thinks about it, but says he honestly doesn't have the energy to have another. Hmm... do I wear him out that bad?

As for WHY he wanted me to get a lover, it was the turn-on of watching me be with another man, or to have 2 at once, him and another. I guess you can relate it to a live porno. lol. I mean, it took me a long time to agree to it. Not that I didn't think I could do it.. More my insecurity of is he trying to push me away? get rid of me? type thing. Because hubs has ALWAYS been quite possessive over me, even when we were just friends many many moons ago.

I dunno if the scent of another man on me turns him on, or just makes him want to reclaim the land, so to say.

Last night I went to a guy's house that I have gone out with and talked to daily for awhile, and with the hubs' permission, did have sex. When I got home, hubs was ready to reclaim, which, believe me, is no problem. I will have to ask him about that. lol

I will have to read that book, because that sounds exactly how it feels here. It's a turn on, but yes, he is afraid of my developing stronger feelings. I'm sure that will work itself out with time and everyone becoming closer (if the new guy sticks around).

I am also making sure I am aware of NRE. I dont want S to feel as if I'm neglecting him or that I'm happier with another. Making sure that the other guy stays the other guy for now. I'm making sure to let S know he is first, always. Or trying, anyway. I have told him if he wants to know anything, just ask.

Did I catch it all? I'm more awake now. lol. But I'm still message-board retarded and can't seem to do the multiple quote thing to separate the stuff asked.

Chris
 
Honestly, he is prodding you. He sounds more like a cuckold. While there is nothing wrong with being a cuckold, the interpersonal dynamics work very differently. He is prodding you to verbally humiliate him and feed into his fetish of you doing so and being with other men.

I would suggest look into cuckold resources and see how he reacts to those. If he is responding to those, then you need to address the differences between the poly-verse and being a cuckoldress, and if you are okay with becoming his.
 
just3 said:
... But yet has said I should get the divorce ....
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That sounds like the best advice offered so far, in my opinion. Until he steps up and deals with his issues, the relationship issues will only continue. You, by yourself, can't decide to work out the relationship issues because he has to be involved. Until he mans up enough to show up and work on all the issues confronting him, you're stuck with a dysfunctional relationship.

If you clear out, that will provide him a stark reminder that there are consequences to actions. In this instance, it would be consequences for neglecting to deal with his issues and those present in his marriage. It also provides him with space so that he can deal with his issues, should he decide to do so.

Unless, of course, you actually don't mind the roller coaster. You say you're dissatisfied and want to change things. What you've done thus far is keep riding the roller coaster. When it comes down to it, what people *do* is a far more accurate measure of what they want than what they *say*. What you're doing indicates you want to ride the roller coaster.
 
I did straight up ask him about the cuckold part, and he swears that's not what he wants. Things have been a ton better since the big melt down and he's opening up and talking to me again. Guess he didn't realize he'd just quit talking and being my best friend. So now hes making it a point to tell me about his feelings etc. When I ask a question its fully answered. Which puts me so much more at ease. We have discussed a ton of things in the past couple weeks. He said he was super confused and afraid he just wasnt what I wanted anymore. And admitted most of it was in his head. He now says he wants someone who is going to love me the way he does. Thats going to be there when he is as well as when he is not.

I'm sure there are going to be other roller coaster rides. I just hope they are shallow dips and swells, rather than a major drop off. lol. The open communication is one thing we were missing there for a bit. Mostly it was due to stress he wasn't talking about. He just shut down on everything for awhile, and with that, ended up with miscommunication and arguing that made the yo-yo effect go full throttle, honestly turning into a clusterfuck of emotions that had us both reeling.

I just hit a point that I wasn't going to argue. I would rather walk out the door and go to my best female friend. I sat there for awhile, just talking with her. She's known us both for almost as long as hubs and I have been married. I vented my frustrations to you guys and her. I was finally able to handle hearing what he had to say. I expected him to not want this anymore. But instead, I found out he just needed reassurance and also had to work it out in his own head.

Things have been tons better. :D

Chris
 
Ok, so... I took a break to do lots of thinking, trying to find my way in a mass of craziness. Things that I thought were worked out may not have been as worked out as portrayed. Just when I thought things were going great, we were happy, a bomb was dropped in my lap.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I found that I was being lied to, and honestly it's hard for me to let it go. Since we keep talking about being open and honest and nothing is hidden, I looked at hubs' phone to see what all was running that could be draining his battery in a matter of hours, and found a profile he had put up and hidden from me for awhile.

I was shocked, to say the least, because where was the honesty, the never hiding anything? So I thought I would just ask. So when he came in, I pulled up the profile, asked if it was his, and he said no, he didn't have one. My stomach hit the floor.

So for over a hour I kept asking if he was sure. He says he swears its not his. I let him know I was going to send it a message since supposedly they reply often and are close by, giving him yet one more opportunity to be honest. He said okay. So I sent a message, and went outside to smoke. Come in to a reply from said profile. Sigh.

Finally, after almost 2 hours of this, I looked at him and asked when he was going to own up. He asked what I meant. I told him I looked at his phone to see what was killing his battery. And the look on his face... he knew he was busted. He followed me outside so we wouldn't argue in front of the kids. He said all he could say was he was sorry, that it was stupid to lie.

Now, I'm here almost 2 weeks later and still holding onto the hurt. I told him over 2 years ago that I thought he was suggesting a poly lifestyle so that he could go out and it not be called cheating. He swore he didn't want anyone else. He wanted this for me. A year into that, he still swore he didn't want anyone. A few months back, he swore he didn't want anyone else. And then he put up the profile looking for others in secret, right after I started this thread!

He says now he did it because he was confused and upset with the situation, and so he put up a profile, which to me sounds like a revenge move. It is REALLY wrong to pull someone into your life for that kind of reason.

I am still angry, hurt, and so many other feelings I can't even put into words. I honestly don't know what to believe out of him right now. We still aren't talking except about what the kids are up to during his long work days. And it's still short answers of few word.

He's trying to talk to me to find what to do to fix this. I can honestly say, I don't know how this will be fixed. I won't let him touch me in any way because I cant be with someone I don't trust. I feel that in the past couple years, I have bared my whole self, and now I'm more vulnerable than ever. I have opened up emotionally, sexually. It took me a long time to let go of a lot of mentalities I have had. A lot of past hurts. To finally give over my whole self. And now I can't even explain how much his lies and attitude have hurt me, and made me feel like I should have just stayed more repressed.

I have no idea where we are going from here.

I got the books Practicing Radical Honesty and Sex at Dawn right before all this mess started. Haven't had time to sit and read.

But then again, I don't know if everything is over. He says no and is begging for a chance. I'm tired of giving chances. I'm tired.

I have been so depressed the past couple weeks I've hardly talked at all. I sit here all day while he's at work. He comes home. I go to work. I come home and go to bed.

After 12 years of caring for him, taking care of everything, so he never had to. Dinner, doctors, kids, school, cleaning, etc... sigh I feel like I have been taken through a meat grinder twice.

Chris
 
I was going to try and give some advice, maybe suggest marriage counseling, like others already have. But all I can think to say is, what a jerk! (What first came to mind were some slightly more colorful adjectives that I decided not to use.)

It amazes me that not only had he been lying from the beginning, but that even after all the crap he put you through, he continued to do so. What a fucking jerk! (There, I said it.)

I wouldn't believe his explanation, nor when he said he put up the accounts, unless he has some kind of proof of when he put them up (like a registration email). If he was going to lie, at least he could have gone through the trouble of getting good at it.

I recommend marriage counseling, or tar and feathering, whichever you prefer.

To S-- seriously dude, your wife shows you your profile and asks if it's yours and you try to stonewall her? At this point the jig is obviously up, and while I'll admit you've got balls, your trouble seems to stem from your attempts to use them as brains.
 
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