TP,
I'm sorry your marriage is struggling! Mine ended in large part over sexual issues. It's such a hard thing to try and figure out, even when everyone tries their best. I found the book below to be very helpful in understanding low desire in marriage and how sometimes counseling goes about fixing it in entirely the wrong way. Beloved and I just ran out of time and patience but it's not late for your marriage.
"Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship" by Dr. David Schnarch
Does that book deal with trust? Because that's where we are right now.
The problem in a nutshell is that when we first started dating, I was on anti-depressants that killed my libido. When I was in the mood, it was very difficult to achieve orgasm. However, I wanted to be a good partner for Indigo, and often wasn't opposed to sex, it just didn't do anything for me. I could still be enthusiastic about giving him pleasure, though, so I wasn't a starfish or anything.
My medication changed, (and so did my libido), about a year in. Then I realized that Indigo really had no idea what I liked in bed, and basically went about his business. I tried stronger non-verbal cues to indicate my preference. I tried flat out telling him. I tried telling him some more. Over and over. He didn't understand, for whatever reason. It felt awful to not be understood in such an important and intimate way. I felt used.
By the time Indigo realized how desperate I was feeling, it was too late. Most times we had sex, there was some sort of misunderstanding, or miscommunication, and I in turn felt more and more used. This led to us not having sex simply to preserve our relationship, since each time was like a game of Russian roulette.
At this point, a number of other issues were making themselves known. Indigo had problems with lying to me about simple things, telling me what I wanted to hear and deciding for himself what I could and couldn't handle. It's gotten better, but it still happens often enough that I don't really have time to recover from the previous incident.
There have been money issues as well. Because of a couple of things that happened before we were together, he has the worst credit you can have, aside from bankruptcy. I knew about one issue, and thought it was being dealt with in a way that didn't affect his credit, but I was completely blindsided by the other. I didn't know until we tried to buy a new car together, and they refused him, so all the financing is through me. Add to this the stress that the mortgage is also under my name (he lost his job two hours after we signed our mortgage papers, through no fault of his own), the line of credit, the credit card, the bills, his cell ... I've only recently realized how much anger and resentment this has created inside of me.
I deal with our finances and pay the bills, which is perfectly fine with me. I enjoy it, and I feel safe knowing that everything is taken care of. What I'm not fine with is how Indigo buries his head in the sand about most things financial.
All of these things have combined to form one giant ball of mistrust. And with a lack of trust comes a serious lack of attraction. He still seems attractive to me at times; when he laughs and jokes, when he babies the animals, when he has a really good day at work and that confidence comes home. But attractive is not the same as attracted to. I have lost that spark.
For my part, I'm a raving fucking bitch at times. I try to isolate myself when I feel it coming on, but I'm not always successful, or it happens before I realize it. My depression directly affects how I feel about our relationship, and historically this is a bad time of year for me (holidays and less daylight). Right now, I can feel it at the edges of my awareness, waiting for me to slip up.
He is making changes, but sometimes it feels like too little, too late. I am trying to change, though I honestly can't tell how successful I have been.
We have an appointment on Wednesday; I am trying not to rock the boat and just talk about house stuff and not much else. I don't think I can handle another argument right now.
Alright, so this wasn't much of a nutshell. But yeah.