Thoughts or opinions for a possible newb

[Dions]

I’m going to try and keep this short, but give as much info as possible. Lol.

I’ve been married to my wife for 14 years, we are 39 and 36, 3 kids, a house and a dog.

Our life is pretty great. We’ve had a few rough patches over the years, but we’ve been closer than ever the last two years and our little family unit is thriving. Our sex life has been pretty fantastic our whole life and I have the attitude that I’ll try just about anything and I’ll definitely discuss any fantasy she has and we can decide if it’s something we should do. The problem is she’s fairly reserved when I ask her what kinds of things she’s interested in. I’m usually the one who explores different options like role play or bondage and plans out the acts.

I noticed a few years ago she brought up the topic of having two men at the same time, but always tried to maintain her innocence by saying something like “I just wish there was a way to have two of you, because i don’t want anybody else”. Since the first time she told me that I’ve tried opening the door for the conversation of adding someone(or people) to the mix. Like I said, I’m totally open to having a conversation and seeing where that conversation goes. A couple of weeks ago I finally got her to admit she wants two men at the same time and honestly I’ve been fantasizing about this with her for quite some time.

After some dialogue we came to terms with the fact we don’t want to have sex with complete strangers, but we’d likely be looking for another couple to swap or play together where we can start off slow without putting both feet in so we can turn around if we decide this isn’t for us and maintain our marriage. We’ve been talking about some of our friend couples and what that would look like and it’s quite surprising that we’re both on the same page, we’d like to find another couple similar to us. Our main concern is not getting wrapped up with someone engaged in a high risk lifestyle and jeopardizing our family we have now. We don’t want to swing, but find a steady couple to date-ish…. if that makes sense?

Ive read a bunch of blogs about maintaining communication in the group and avoiding jealousy etc. My question is. Is this attainable? Will we likely destroy our marriage? How many people end up regretting something like this vs happily ever after? Are there many other couples similar to us who are looking for the same thing? We’re not looking to fall in love, but looking for two other people who are already in love with each other and want to have some fun with us as a secondary relationship. Just dating with no intentions of going further towards living together or anything like that.

Anyways, at this point we’re not actively pursuing this, we’re just leaving it as a possibility if the right couple entered our life. There’s a few couples we’re interested in so I suggested to my wife to casually bring it up in conversation with the other women and see what kind of reaction she gets. I’m sure there’s others like us out there who are afraid of entering the dating scene as a couple and don’t know how to go about it.

I’d like to hear any thoughts or opinions from some of the more experienced out there.

 

[GalaGirl]

Good that you aren't just jumping in willy nilly and are taking some time to talk and think about things with wife... and eventually whatever potentials emerge.

Will we likely destroy our marriage?

One cannot predict the future. Even if you didn't go there... well? Will you two still be together in 10, 20, 30 years? It's the same thing.

Another approach might be "Let's hope it doesn't happen, but before we go there? Let's make the divorce plan. Like hope we never need it, but it's already in place if we do."

Because if/when the shit hits the fan and all are distressed? That's not the time to start making the emergency plan is it?

And if you can't even talk about that possibility calmly right now? Maybe best not to start experimenting right now?

After some dialogue we came to terms with the fact we don’t want to have sex with complete strangers, but we’d likely be looking for another couple to swap or play together where we can start off slow without putting both feet in so we can turn around if we decide this isn’t for us and maintain our marriage.

Sounds like this is about finding a couple to do experiment sex with. Is romance completely off the table?

We don’t want to swing, but find a steady couple to date-ish…. if that makes sense?

What's "date-ish" mean?

Are you looking for FWB? Monogamish? Some couple who is up for steady sex playdates, but nothing past that? Can they swing with other people in other times? Or are you looking for people who will agree to be in a closed quad?

We’re not looking to fall in love, but looking for two other people who are already in love with each other and want to have some fun with us as a secondary relationship.

Ok. Not looking to fall in love. Yet sharing sex with others could eventually lead to feelings.

What if you or wife get feelings for one or both of the other couple? Or the other way around? Then what? The expectation is to just break up with the person(s) you started to care more deeply about?

Just dating with no intentions of going further towards living together or anything like that.

Don't have to live together. But... what if the desires change? Could keep talking and define hard/soft limits.

What's a hard limit? That will never ever change?
Ex: DH and I are done with kids and don't want any more. Not with each other or other people. Hard limit.

What's a soft limit? That might change over time?
Ex: DH says he doesn't want to live with new people at this time. I agree. But... life is long. People age. Depending on where we are in life later down? Could renegotiate that.

Anyways, at this point we’re not actively pursuing this, we’re just leaving it as a possibility if the right couple entered our life. There’s a few couples we’re interested in so I suggested to my wife to casually bring it up in conversation with the other women and see what kind of reaction she gets.

And will you be doing same with husbands? Or is this all your wife's job to suss out and set up later?

It seemed to change from MFM threesome to MFMF something or other. Does wife still want a threesome with 2 dudes? So this theoretical couple is supposed to be good with that?

That kinda opens the door to more questions. What if the couple is interested in her but not you? Or you but not her? Are you going to date as a couple only or will you also date separately?

I encourage you to keep thinking and talking.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Dions,

It is hard to guarantee that your marriage will survive any new nonmonogamous engagement. The truth is, your marriage as previously constituted ended as soon as a threesome became part of your conversation. Now you are building a new marriage, a potentially nonmonogamous marriage.

You seem to be aiming for a two-couple arrangement, where you and another couple will get together for play dates, but will not fall in love with each other. This has been successfully done before, I just think the thing to keep in mind is, that every person is a unique individual, and as such, every group arrangement is unique. I tend to think you should mentally prepare yourselves for the possibility that falling in love may happen even if you don't want it to. And really, your marriage does not have to end at that point. It just changes the arrangement.

Life is full of risks and unknowns. If you decide to forgo this nonmonogamous dream you have, you're still taking your chances. Chances that things will get dull in your marriage, for example. Chances that you will always wonder what it would have been like if you had tried your dream.

Nonmonogamy is so generally frowned upon, that people who want to try it are afraid to be out about their desire. So yes, there are definitely other couples out there that share your dream, it is just hard to figure out which couples those are. You could start by having your wife approach the wife of one of the couples you're interested in, and if that goes well, then you could approach the husband. Understand that just like in monogamous dating, you can proposition someone only to be rejected. It's one of the risks you take when you reach out to find new love.

I hope Polyamory.com can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Dions]

I’m just trying to figure this quoting thing out on this site. Bare with me.

Good that you aren't just jumping in willy nilly and are taking some time to talk and think about things with wife... and eventually whatever potentials emerge.



One cannot predict the future. Even if you didn't go there... well? Will you two still be together in 10, 20, 30 years? It's the same thing.

Another approach might be "Let's hope it doesn't happen, but before we go there? Let's make the divorce plan. Like hope we never need it, but it's already in place if we do."

Because if/when the shit hits the fan and all are distressed? That's not the time to start making the emergency plan is it?

And if you can't even talk about that possibility calmly right now? Maybe best not to start experimenting right now?Sounds like this is about finding a couple to do experiment sex with. Is romance completely off the table?

Thanks for the replies. I was hoping for some honesty and suggestions. I’ll reply in a few posts as I have time to type.

I did bring up the idea of divorce and how that would look if things go sideways. I’m having a hard time with that one as we’ve been through a few rough patches already that could’ve led to divorce, but somehow we worked through things. I’ve been dating her since I was 20. We split up a couple of times in the first couple of years and had other partners while we were split up. Since we’ve been married we have worked through all of our problems.

We’d both like to stay away from romance as our main priority is maintaining our relationship. We’re okay with hanging out for campfires and letting kids be kids or double dating, but hoping for a couple who feels similar to us. At the moment I’m going to say that I won’t be going on a dinner date with someone else without my wife, but I would definitely entertain the idea of a sex date without me.

What's "date-ish" mean

Hanging out with another couple being exclusive within the group.

Are you looking for FWB? Monogamish? Some couple who is up for steady sex playdates, but nothing past that? Can they swing with other people in other times? Or are you looking for people who will agree to be in a closed quad?



Ok. Not looking to fall in love. Yet sharing sex with others could eventually lead to feelings.

What if you or wife get feelings for one or both of the other couple? Or the other way around? Then what? The expectation is to just break up with the person(s) you started to care more deeply about?



Don't have to live together. But... what if the desires change? Could keep talking and define hard/soft limits.

What's a hard limit? That will never ever change?
Ex: DH and I are done with kids and don't want any more. Not with each other or other people. Hard limit.

What's a soft limit? That might change over time?
Ex: DH says he doesn't want to live with new people at this time. I agree. But... life is long. People age. Depending on where we are in life later down? Could renegotiate that.



And will you be doing same with husbands? Or is this all your wife's job to suss out and set up later?

It seemed to change from MFM threesome to MFMF something or other. Does wife still want a threesome with 2 dudes? So this theoretical couple is supposed to be good with that?

That kinda opens the door to more questions. What if the couple is interested in her but not you? Or you but not her? Are you going to date as a couple only or will you also date separately?

I encourage you to keep thinking and talking.

Galagirl

Good that you aren't just jumping in willy nilly and are taking some time to talk and think about things with wife... and eventually whatever potentials emerge.



One cannot predict the future. Even if you didn't go there... well? Will you two still be together in 10, 20, 30 years? It's the same thing.

Another approach might be "Let's hope it doesn't happen, but before we go there? Let's make the divorce plan. Like hope we never need it, but it's already in place if we do."

Because if/when the shit hits the fan and all are distressed? That's not the time to start making the emergency plan is it?

And if you can't even talk about that possibility calmly right now? Maybe best not to start experimenting right now?

I brought up the idea of divorce today but I’m having a hard time with that one. We’ve already been through a few rough patches and could’ve easily ended up in divorce a couple of times by now and we both know it.

Sounds like this is about finding a couple to do experiment sex with. Is romance completely off the table?

We both don’t want to date another couple individually. It would have to be together for most things. I wouldn’t be bringing the gf out for dinner dates alone and buying her birthday gifts. Hanging out in group settings for a bbq or pub night as couples would definitely be on the table.

What's "date-ish" mean?

I don’t know how best to put it. Us dating the other couple exclusively like I mentioned above.

Are you looking for FWB? Monogamish? Some couple who is up for steady sex playdates, but nothing past that? Can they swing with other people in other times? Or are you looking for people who will agree to be in a closed quad?

I think we’re looking for fwb is the best way to put it. We’re not into having a relationship with a couple who’s swinging with others.

Ok. Not looking to fall in love. Yet sharing sex with others could eventually lead to feelings.

What if you or wife get feelings for one or both of the other couple? Or the other way around? Then what? The expectation is to just break up with the person(s) you started to care more deeply about?

I think that would be the expectation. We discussed this. Our discussion led to the positives vs negatives of swinging with random couples vs having steady fwb as you put it. She has the hots for a couple of guys mostly for their personality, which would complicate things. Strangers would definitely be easier in that aspect, but strangers is off the table for us, mostly from the high risk aspect of sleeping with strangers who we have no idea what they’re doing or with who while we’re not around. I compare that to the same as sleeping with a prostitute and it’s not for me or my wife.

Don't have to live together. But... what if the desires change? Could keep talking and define hard/soft limits.

What's a hard limit? That will never ever change?
Ex: DH and I are done with kids and don't want any more. Not with each other or other people. Hard limit.

What's a soft limit? That might change over time?
Ex: DH says he doesn't want to live with new people at this time. I agree. But... life is long. People age. Depending on where we are in life later down? Could renegotiate that.

I’m not going to say “it’s never going to happen”. Really anything is possible. For now everything is a soft limit until we find out exactly how we feel about all of this. The only hard limit I think would be random swinging with complete strangers.

And will you be doing same with husbands? Or is this all your wife's job to suss out and set up later?

When we talked about it we figured it would be easier to bring stuff like this up among women. I have brought the idea of sharing with my best friend without telling him I wanted to sleep with his wife and found out pretty quick that he definitely wasn’t into that. Women tend to have these “hypothetical” conversations more than men.

On a side note. My wife has been on a few dating sites and found a profile for a couple we know. We know the couple well enough to ask questions and get a feel for some things without it being totally weird coming from a stranger.

It seemed to change from MFM threesome to MFMF something or other. Does wife still want a threesome with 2 dudes? So this theoretical couple is supposed to be good with that?

That kinda opens the door to more questions. What if the couple is interested in her but not you? Or you but not her? Are you going to date as a couple only or will you also date separately?

It started out as a mfm fantasy. After quite a bit of discussion the logistical issues brought us to seeking out a couple. I think I’m ok with just another man and no other woman, but trying to find a person like that I think would be difficult. I read a few blogs and it seemed like there’s a lot of predators on the internet searching for scenarios like that. The only other scenario would be would be a husband we know who’s wife didn’t mind him leaving the nest.

I encourage you to keep thinking and talking.

Galagirl

I’ll type some more here shortly. I have to go do some work for a few

 

[Evie]

Honestly, I don't know why more polycurious couples don't hook up with other polycurious couples. Because so many are wanting something between swinging and poly.

Sex, yes.
Exclusivity, yes.
Discretion, yes.
Feelings, no.

Not polyamory, not swingers parties, just the safe little space in between.

Great, do it.

#savetheunicorns

 

[Dions]

Honestly, I don't know why more polycurious couples don't hook up with other polycurious couples. Because so many are wanting something between swinging and poly.

Sex, yes.
Exclusivity, yes.
Discretion, yes.
Feelings, no.

Not polyamory, not swingers parties, just the safe little space in between.

Great, do it.

#savetheunicorns

Ultimately that’s what we’re looking for, even though we’re still not 100% knowing exactly what we want. I’m hoping it’ll happen naturally with another Couple who’s curious and that’s why my wife is going to start bringing the topic up more often with her friends to see where the other couples stand. Not necessarily friends of ours, but friends of friends, we can’t be the only ones around looking for this. I think they’re out there and we just have to be a touch more forward. Just the other day my best friends wife was having a few drinks with the girls and admitted to the group she wants a threesome with her man and another girl and one of the other girls who was just recently divorced went home with another girl. Theres plenty of open minded people around, it’s just a matter of connecting the dots.

The few dating sites we looked at seemed to cater to one group or another so we’re just going to wait. We know it’s a long shot so we’re not getting excited yet. If we do take this step it will probably be months down the road.

 

[fuchka]

Is there a requirement for you to be involved? Your wife might find luck with a MM couple if both are bi

 

[Dions]

Is there a requirement for you to be involved? Your wife might find luck with a MM couple if both are bi

I definitely want to be involved.

And that sounds like it would fit into the high risk category.