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FallenAngel76

New member
Hello everyone.

My husband of nearly 20 years and I have entered into a relationship with the same woman. I am very bisexual and hubby is open to my girlfriends. We have tried before with other female partners but they have not worked out. This one is special. We both love her and her children. Our children love her and her children.
She and I have had a sexual zing. She makes my mouth water and I get goosebumps just thinking of her. Our out of bed relationship is struggling. I feel that we don't talk enough. She and my husband talk all the time, all hours of the day and night. Phone calls, messenger, and texts. I don't get that. I need more. She asked to put the breaks on the sex so that we can grow deeply in the relationship. So I have, to the point of no physical contact because I am so tempted by her.
My jealousy of their friendship is hurting me and our relationship. Hubby tells me all the time that I have nothing to fear. However, I am devastated when they talk without me. I feel like the third wheel even in bed before the breaks were put on. The more I bottle up how I feel the more my monster hurts me which enevatably hurts all of us. To the point that I have begun to question the strength of my marriage.
Am I ready for a relationship like this one? Can our marriage handle a third person?
Thanks in advance,
Fallen
 
So what happens when you initiate conversation with her? would she talk to you as much as to your husband?
 
icesong

She talks about her day a little with me. However I feel it is strained because I get one line messages and hubby gets paragraphs.
 
Have you asked her if she prefer it be a V with hubby as the shared hinge rather than a triad?

Because she asked to put the break on sex in order the grow the relationship out of bed more deeply. But then she does not seem to invest time or effort into that. So... Just ask if what she would prefer is actually a V? Just not date you?

Bummer, but at least it then you know what you have in actuality . What you call it matches what it is.

Rather than calling it a triad and feeling bummed it does not live up to the name.

Galagirl
 
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Gala girl

the v concept is new to me. I have been calling our relationship a triad and feeling very left out. I will definitely ask them as soon as I get a chance. The v concept seems to fit what we are better. Thank you Galagirl. This really helps!
 
It sounds as though you and she have some sexual chemistry but less romantic chemistry?

You describe yourself as very bisexual... perhaps she is not as wired that way? Or used to an ongoing relationship with another woman? Or perhaps she feels a more intense connection with him?
When real and lady and I met we thought triad at first but we quickly discovered her and my relationship was developing into friendship with a much less sexual component than our original thoughts. We talked and settled into a vee. Everyone has their own levels of connection. Talk to her about her needs and give her the safety of knowing she won't lose one of you for not wanting both of you.
 
Expecting equal love and attention between three people is nearly impossible. It is evident that she is in love with your husband and friendly with you. She can no more force herself to have deeper feelings for you than you can force her to have deeper feelings for you. Here is my suggestion.

1. Accept that the triad is not turning out the way you had hoped.

2. Accept that this can work with the two of them loving each other.

3. Explore the notion of you being open to a V of your own that hubby has no part in. A new man or woman.

4. Accept and be flexible in your relationship with her.

5. Focus on your marriage and its health, do not stand for your husband forgetting that you need to be loved. Ask for it in healthy non confrontational ways. Don't make her the bad guy (gal?) if you are feeling neglected. It is your husbands responsibility to see to your needs. If he perceives you are becoming hostile towards her then drama will ensue and cloud everyone's judgment.

Now as for #3. I'm assuming that since this was set up to be a triad, then like most triads loving husbands with a bi-wife, he has not come to terms with you being with another man or even having a separate v relationship. This is something he will NEED to address and tackle. Its not fair for him to enjoy another partner and you being left out. If this relationship between you and her does not resolve itself and form into more of a triad, your husband may try to force the proverbial square peg into the round hole rather than see you go off into poly land and find your own relationship. This will cause MANY issues because he can't force love between two people.

Be prepared for problems and handle them with logic, not emotions. We've seen sooooooo many triads with insecure husbands and wives fail. They are notoriously difficult to manage.
 
playfulgirl/graviton

playful, I am her first girl. She has admitted to hubby that she gets sensory overload when it is her and I. However she enjoys being with me sexually.
Graviton, what you said was eye opening. Question though, hubby thinks that #3 would be a revenge relationship for me. I do think the v without him would work for me. He is such a huge part of my life it would be nice to experience things with out him from time to time. #5 is also wonderful because I think it is all true. Neglect is not an option for me.
 
Hi fallen,

Your situation is actually very common and you are not alone. I agree with all of the advice you've been given so far.

It is incredibly rare to find a three-way relationship with an equal balance of interest/love/rapport/sexual connection. More often than not, two people in the group connect more than another two people. I've been involved in triads myself and definitely felt more for one than the other, although I still had a good sexual chemistry with the other person. In the end, the other person ended the triad because she was threatened by the closeness between myself and the one woman.

I hope it helps to hear the experiences of others and to know that there are people around who can help you navigate this.

It does sound like a good idea to have a conversation about how you all feel for each other and want you all want from the relationship. Conversational chemistry can be improved by asking different questions and breaking out of the norm. However, some people just have a more natural click than others and I don't think it's something that can be forced. Hopefully this woman feels the same sexual attraction towards you as you feel for her, and hopefully her closeness with your husband can continue to exist.

Edit - just saw the updates from Graviton and yourself :) I love what Graviton has to say. In terms of your most recent post, Fallen, what does she mean by sensory overload?
 
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Also, I definitely agree that if your husband and your currently-joint female partner were to develop something much more intense than what you and her share, it would be well within your rights to start exploring a second partner for yourself - male or female. Not for revenge or to 'even the playing field', but because you are naturally going to have a bit more time on your hands if your husband needs to focus a significant portion of his time and attention on his new relationship.
 
Why would it be a revenge thing? Rather than an acceptance thing?

Like...

"You guys work better as a couple. Let us not force a triad. I can date someone else. Then everyone has compatible people to date."

What is horrible about that to him that he would see it as you doing something revengeful TO him? Rather than accepting the reality of the situation?

Could he clarify?

Galagirl
 
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The revenge thing also confuses me. Unless all three of you have talked and everyone prefers a closed model, everyone involved should have the ability to explore multiple relationships if they choose. In my experience the freedom helps to keep resentment from brewing. In my vee, real currently chooses to be with just lady and I because he doesn't have energy for more. .. But both of us are open to him dating if he chooses as we are both in various configurations.

Dating someone else isn't an attack against your relationship with your husband, it's just another relationship layer.

Have you individually dated outside your marriage before? I'm guessing the idea of independent romantic relationships is relatively new and possibly scary for him? From your post it sounds like you want a second partner.

It's not a tit for tat thing, it's a an I have needs/desire thing
 
reply

Oh my gosh! You all have opened my eyes!
As for the sensory over load, I have asked her several times about that trying to get her to expound on the thought. She just repeats the phrase "sensory overload".
I think the revenge aspect is hubby voicing his disapproval of me taking on a relationship that doesn't involve him. He has told me that I said no other males, but I truly have no recollection of saying that.
Really it comes down to the fact that I have not been getting the emotional connection from hubby and that is why I wanted a girlfriend. I need some one who can give me that connection. I have since she has been in the picture been getting all kinds of attention from hubby. It is nice and strange at the same time. He told me yesterday that the reason he is behaving like this is because I am his wife and he feels he needs to treat me better than he treats her. He buys her flowers nearly every week and has paid a couple of her bills. He provides for our house beautifully but he has fallen behind on the romantics of our relationship.
The three of us have so much to discuss when there is a chance. I hope sooner rather than later. She has been flip flopping lately and it has given hubby and I whiplash. I.e. One moment she wants to spend time with us and on our way over she calls and says no. It is very frustrating.
I will let you all know how "the talk" goes. Hopefully this weekend. Wish me luck,
Fallen
 
Expect drama and violent opposition to you dating another guy. He may even tell you he's prepared to give up his girlfriend so that doesn't happen.
 
I think the revenge aspect is hubby voicing his disapproval of me taking on a relationship that doesn't involve him.
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That is not YOU doing something to him. That is him not wanting to examine or deal with HIS disapproval/ uncomfortable feelings and explain.

He's kinda like the GF in a way. Not able to articulate what's going on.

She stalls at "sensory overload" and he stalls at "No. That's revenge."

He has told me that I said no other males, but I truly have no recollection of saying that.
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Even if you did, you are allowed to change your mind and renegotiate boundaries. People are not static. What I needed when I was 20 is not the same at 30, 40, 50, etc.

Really it comes down to the fact that I have not been getting the emotional connection from hubby and that is why I wanted a girlfriend. I need some one who can give me that connection. I have since she has been in the picture been getting all kinds of attention from hubby. It is nice and strange at the same time. He told me yesterday that the reason he is behaving like this is because I am his wife and he feels he needs to treat me better than he treats her.
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Well, could consider one thing at a time.

  • Are you getting what you need from hubby now?
  • Do you want to be free of the confusion of dating this GF who says one thing and then does another and does "whiplash" stuff?
  • Do you want to date a new person?

A combo? Something else?

Maybe clarify your thoughts before getting into the conversation. Even write down the bullet points so you can refer to them when you talk and not lose your place. If you or others get emotionally flooded, you can tick where you left off, put the list away and come back next week to talk later after people are more together again.

I hope it goes well when you do talk though.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Hi Fallen,

Re (from FallenAngel76):
"He provides for our house beautifully but he has fallen behind on the romantics of our relationship."
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Does your husband know about the five love languages? If not, he should read the book (or you could read it with him): "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate," by Gary Chapman.

Chapman is a mainstream Christian minister, and his writings do reflect some traditional values (e.g. monogamy). However, he doesn't go overboard with that, and overall I still recommend his book.

The languages he identifies are:

  • Words of Affirmation,
  • Quality Time,
  • Receiving Gifts,
  • Acts of Service,
  • Physical Touch.
It should be noted, "Physical Touch" covers much more than just sexual touch. A hug, a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, these are all examples of that language as well.

I am wondering if your husband is trying to show you love via "Acts of Service," when maybe you want "Physical Touch" and/or "Quality Time." Something to think about.

There's a test at the end of the book that helps you find out what your love language is. You and he could both take the test. It might give you a better idea of how to express love to each other (and be heard).

Don't know if that helps but I thought I'd throw that in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It is nice and strange at the same time. He told me yesterday that the reason he is behaving like this is because I am his wife and he feels he needs to treat me better than he treats her.
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This, along with the "revenge" talk is very worrying. As soon as people become preoccupied with this sort of thing, problems are on their way. You guys shouldn't be exploring this to make up for shortcomings on your relationship.
 
Lots of bi-curious women who are actually more straight than anything else will agree to be sexual with the wife in a non-monogamous couple who demands that all sex be threesomes, basically because they feel that is the only way they will have a chance to be fucked by the husband. So, she may have enjoyed her interactions with you, but she's probably really straight and doesn't feel comfortable in a relationship with a woman. Time to just ask her if that is the case instead of being all hung up on romancing her and establishing a relationship with her.

Your husband is also being quite unreasonable. Obviously he is threatened by the idea of another penis in the mix, which is indicative of his insecurities and sexism. He is feeling guilty about fucking her and thinks you should be above her in a hierarchy. His is mostly a swinger mentality, not very poly.

I don't think any of you were really ready for the reality of polyamory before you started. Time to renegotiate. If she wants only him, and he wants you and her, then you should be able to have another partner he isn't involved with, and it should not matter whether it is a woman or a man. It's not "revenge," nor a race or competition, but having a rule that everyone always has to be involved sexually with each other at all times is stupid and never, ever, ever works!
 
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nycindie said:
Lots of bi-curious women who are actually more straight than anything else will agree to be sexual with the wife...
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Or conversely the wife is sometimes only casually interested.
In my experience, many bi curious / exploring women discover that they prefer same sex interactions on a more limited basis. Lady describes it like this: "women are like cheesecake for me, I love it, it's a great treat, but I get sick of it if I have too much. Men are like reese ' s peanut butter cups, I can't get enough and I keep an emergency stash." I have come across this situation many times particularly with women in their late 20 to early 40 who have recently opened their marriage. The idea of a girlfriend is nice, but the actual reality of one can just be too much. Nowadays with new women, I ask her if she had ever been in a long term romantic same sex relationship before so that I have a heads up issues that could arise.
Heck even if your gf is interested, it can be very difficult for some people to wrap their mind around being in a same sex relationship for the first time. .. then add in poly dynamics. .. It's a lot "new" going on.
 
Good morning,
Well, she flip flopped this weekend. She said she was coming over but went to her camp instead.
Hubby and I talked about that has been said and we think we all should be just friends. There have been some changes in his and my life over the weekend and we feel that a sexual relationship with her is just not conducive right now.
Yes, he has read the love language s book. I personally don't think it helps but hubby and she seem to think it does. The last time I took that test I was in therapy ten years ago. I guess I should take it again since it has been ten years and I am more vocal in my needs than before.
I want to get the book more than two and read it before I start another adventure. I would like to be more prepared.
Someone posted that I should not go into another relationship because I am missing something in hubby and my relationship. That rings true, however I am not going to go bra shopping with hubby or discuss cramps. I need a girl for those things.
But alas, if she and I can become friends that would be fine.
Thank you all so much for talking to me!
Fallen
 
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