I was having a threesome with my boyfriend and everything was fine, until I felt like he was not interested in fucking me any more, he was just interested in having sex with her. He made eye contact with her. He just wanted me to give him oral the whole time. He wasn't worried about me. He wasn't trying to please me. He solely just wanted to be inside of her, to where I got turned off completely. Now I can't sleep. I feel like the third wheel, the person who is not supposed to be here. I feel not wanted or needed. I feel as if I should leave him.
Threesome, he had sex more with other person, ejaculated in her twice, not in me
- Thread starter Tasha
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Let me preface this by saying that I have little experience with polyamory, though I feel like I have a solid grasp on the concept, and zero experience with 3+ way encounters. That said, I do have a suggestion. You're free to take it or leave it.
My advice would be to talk to him. I can understand why you'd be feeling jealous in that scenario. It seems to me that he was inconsiderate. It also seems to me, however, that perhaps the two of you need to sit down and discuss. I wouldn't launch into any accusations or approach the conversation with hostility.
I would pick a relatively low-stress time, when the two of you are alone together, and lead with how you're feeling. Let me clarify. Do not approach the conversation by trying to make him take responsibility for how he MADE you feel, but open the conversation with your feelings. No blame. See what his reaction is.
If he's receptive to the conversation, it may be worth establishing that you'd like to work out an agreement so that you both feel safe and fulfilled in your relationship, if you choose to continue with these types of encounters.
Communication and consent are the most important parts of any relationship, but that's even more true when you're talking about a relationship that involves more than two parties, each of whom obviously has their own needs and desires. Before moving forward with this, I would recommend that you work out mutually agreed-upon rules of conduct during these engagements. I would also suggest having a deeper conversation about what you're both looking for in them.
If he gets hostile or refuses to discuss it, I think things are unlikely to improve and you may be better served considering whether or not the relationship is still a healthy one, worth investing in further.
It's absolutely possible to come out of this situation stronger in your relationship than you were before, but you both have to be equally invested in the health of the relationship and meeting one another's needs, or it will break down.
I don't know enough about your situation to give more specific advice. These are the broad strokes of how I would approach the discussion, though.
My advice would be to talk to him. I can understand why you'd be feeling jealous in that scenario. It seems to me that he was inconsiderate. It also seems to me, however, that perhaps the two of you need to sit down and discuss. I wouldn't launch into any accusations or approach the conversation with hostility.
I would pick a relatively low-stress time, when the two of you are alone together, and lead with how you're feeling. Let me clarify. Do not approach the conversation by trying to make him take responsibility for how he MADE you feel, but open the conversation with your feelings. No blame. See what his reaction is.
If he's receptive to the conversation, it may be worth establishing that you'd like to work out an agreement so that you both feel safe and fulfilled in your relationship, if you choose to continue with these types of encounters.
Communication and consent are the most important parts of any relationship, but that's even more true when you're talking about a relationship that involves more than two parties, each of whom obviously has their own needs and desires. Before moving forward with this, I would recommend that you work out mutually agreed-upon rules of conduct during these engagements. I would also suggest having a deeper conversation about what you're both looking for in them.
If he gets hostile or refuses to discuss it, I think things are unlikely to improve and you may be better served considering whether or not the relationship is still a healthy one, worth investing in further.
It's absolutely possible to come out of this situation stronger in your relationship than you were before, but you both have to be equally invested in the health of the relationship and meeting one another's needs, or it will break down.
I don't know enough about your situation to give more specific advice. These are the broad strokes of how I would approach the discussion, though.
Now see, I question whether that's a catch-all correct answer in this instance. Perhaps if you explained your reasoning it would make more sense to me. (Though, truth be told, it was my initial reaction, as well.)
There's just too much unknown.
For starters, it doesn't seem as though any kind of real negotiation took place prior to this, and that would be the time to do such things as agree on STI- and pregnancy-prevention measures, make a plan to ensure open communication, discuss whether or not they both wish this to be an ongoing arrangement, etc. It's never too late to have that conversation, though. She has the right to withdraw consent and create boundaries at any time.
There's not enough information here to lay down a concrete "gtfo," from my perspective.
I feel that it's pretty likely that he probably pushed for it, but it's possible it was a mutual interest. We don't know how long they've been together, or if their relationship is otherwise healthy. We don't know if she's talked to him about her feelings since then, or what, if anything, they discussed leading up to it. She may have entered into it telling him to do whatever he felt like, and then realized after the fact that they should have taken more time in the planning.
We have zero information regarding the circumstances surrounding this situation. Certainly if it were me in her shoes I would dump him and never look back, but I also would have had a serious negotiation prior to agreeing to it in the first place. I think she could stand to TRY to communicate with him about how she feels before salting the earth.
Can you explain your rationale? I'd genuinely like to know what's driving your assessment. I'm rather new to poly relationships and your perspective would be valuable.
As I said, that was my initial read, as well. You're right, of course, that it's not polyamory. I still feel that there's potentially more to be considered, but that's likely just my tendency to try to assume the best about people. Given that, I'll defer to you.
Thank you for taking the time to clarify.
I'm sorry you struggle.
Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It is a thing of its own. People need to learn how to share group sex well. They could negotiate what it is going to be, what types of activities the encounter will/will not include, and manage expectations of the encounter. You could even have a safe word or do check-ins. However the people want.
If this experience was blah for you, and unexpected things happened or unexpected feelings arose, you could talk it over with BF and/or stop sharing group sex with him. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.
If you wish to break up with him, you can do that too. It's up to you how you want to handle this.
Galagirl
Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It is a thing of its own. People need to learn how to share group sex well. They could negotiate what it is going to be, what types of activities the encounter will/will not include, and manage expectations of the encounter. You could even have a safe word or do check-ins. However the people want.
If this experience was blah for you, and unexpected things happened or unexpected feelings arose, you could talk it over with BF and/or stop sharing group sex with him. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.
If you wish to break up with him, you can do that too. It's up to you how you want to handle this.
Galagirl
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Is this the first time you or he has ever had a threesome, at least in this relationship?
It's possible bf got carried away with the excitement of the new person, so he neglected you. It's certainly not the first time this has happened to an established couple trying a threesome.
I do not agree with ref. I agree with Solace. Talk it over. It sounds like you wrote this on your phone while bf and the other woman were sleeping beside you. I hope the next morning after she left you told bf you felt left out, and why, and how you'd like to do things differently in the future.
I generally stay away from FMF threesomes because inexperienced men tend to do this: get all carried away with the new person and neglect my needs. However, both men and women I've done this with, who have had experience with group sex, have been able to be better group sex sharers, taking turns, using positions where everyone is doing something fun and being satisfied, checking in with everyone, watching out to make sure no one is bored or neglected, etc. I've had a foursome with 3 women and one guy, a threesome with three women, and a MFM threesome, and they were all great. I just prefer one-on-one sex much more because it's more romantic and intimate for me in general.
As others have said, group sex is not a requirement or even very common in polyamory.
Unless things were getting bad with bf already, in other ways, there is no reason to just immediately break up over this.
I am ENM, moving into poly slowly. I've had quite a few threesomes and more-somes with my partner, and before that, once with another partner. That one was awful. I felt as you did, left out and ignored. I actually left them to it. Let's just say that relationship did not work.
I suggest you talk to him. Explain your feelings, and if it still doesn't sit right, then you will know.
With my current partner, when we have been involved with others, it is generally reciprocal. But I am a bit of a cuckquean, so really don't mind if I am not having penetrative sex from him.
I would recommend not going into threesomes or more-somes lightly, if you have issues in your relationship, though. xx
I suggest you talk to him. Explain your feelings, and if it still doesn't sit right, then you will know.
With my current partner, when we have been involved with others, it is generally reciprocal. But I am a bit of a cuckquean, so really don't mind if I am not having penetrative sex from him.
I would recommend not going into threesomes or more-somes lightly, if you have issues in your relationship, though. xx
Hello Tasha,
I think the most likely explanation, for why he came in her and not you, is NRE. NRE is a powerful drug, it makes us crazy over the new person, and it makes us forget our original partner. This is what seems to be happening with him. Luckily NRE doesn't last forever, he should be over it in roughly a year. Think of it as the honeymoon stage. What remains is for you to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to improve his behavior. A year might be too long.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
I think the most likely explanation, for why he came in her and not you, is NRE. NRE is a powerful drug, it makes us crazy over the new person, and it makes us forget our original partner. This is what seems to be happening with him. Luckily NRE doesn't last forever, he should be over it in roughly a year. Think of it as the honeymoon stage. What remains is for you to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to improve his behavior. A year might be too long.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
There's no need to dump your partner just because they want threesomes. You need to decide if you want to be a part of that and see where that leaves you.
Threesomes are often about 2 people with someone filling in. The good thing about regular threesomes with the same people is that you can switch this around so after a year of threesomes, you've all been a main star and an extra.
Threesomes are often about 2 people with someone filling in. The good thing about regular threesomes with the same people is that you can switch this around so after a year of threesomes, you've all been a main star and an extra.