I'm still fairly new around here, but abuse was the first thing I thought of and I'm not one to jump to that conclusion at all. That said, I agree that it wasn't something he was coming to from his own perspective. The danger is that he
could run with that and use it as an excuse to badger her into talking about what she doesn't want to talk about. Better safe than sorry...here meaning bring up the abuse angle for a quick, but significant check...then move on. He's an adult. Surely he wouldn't misuse that information.
Honestly, Marcus, it reads to me like people were trying to exhaust all the discussion topics to make sure everything was hit on (no pun intended), not belaboring the abuse topic. We come here because, in part, we like to discuss things. Perhaps over discuss things even. It happened to be one of the paths not discussed yet.
To me (and ymmv), the poster sounds both like he's genuinely curious about the new activities AND that he wants to replicate what someone else is doing because he feels left out. He's got to do the hard work of sorting out which it really is (or both) and what the best thing to do in service to the relationship is.
So if you're interested in doing kinky things with your wife... check in whether that's because you're really interested yourself, or is it because you're envious that she's getting something from someone else that you're not giving her? Are you anxious to prove that you're still valuable in her life, despite not giving her these things? What are some other ways you can assure yourself of your value in the relationship without mimicking what someone else is doing?
Couldn't agree with this more. You've got to be yourself. Don't attempt to mimic something you're not really into as a way to grasp the limb at the edge of the cliff just so you can hang on.
Anyway, my thoughts on the BDSM aspect are basically... "If you have to ask, you probably wouldn't do it right." While it is possible for people to learn to be kinky, it always seems to be a struggle. When you're on the receiving end of something that the giver doesn't enjoy giving for its own sake, it's not half as much fun as receiving something that pleases the top in and of itself. In vanilla speak... blow jobs are always more fun when the person giving the blow job loves giving blow jobs. Someone can learn how to give good blow jobs, and even learn how to fake enjoying it, but it's never the same as someone who actually enjoys it.
This I take issue with in part, but not entirely.
Yes, faking something you're not into is bad. Yes, people work better when their external play actions fit their internal self-identity (e.g. a D-type acting like a D-type). But BDSM is filled with asking questions and exploring things you don't know. And there's no true or false test on the range of kink. People can fit all up and down a spectrum from light to heavy...from emotional to emotionless...from high protocol to totally informal. This guy might very well enjoy kink if he was exposed to it. Hell, I've met people at gatherings claiming they were entirely vanilla who were on their knees and performing commands by the middle of the night. There's a lot of education that goes on in BDSM, so I don't think you have to know it all from the onset. I do agree that you can't fit a square peg in a round hole. If power exchange isn't for you then it simply isn't.
Having said all that, I do feel that since the new BF "got there first" (i.e. engaged in kink first), everything afterwards seems like jealousy and catching up, though I'd love to give the OP the benefit of the doubt that because he loves his partner, he's genuinely interested in what she is learning. If you really want to get into the lifestyle, perhaps try it with someone else. That too could come off as manipulative though.
Accept that loving her includes respecting her privacy and not sharing everything. Would you read her personal diary if she told you not to? Would you force her to cuddle you when she just said she wanted to go into the living room and read a book alone? Of course not. When and if she's ready, she'll tell you.
Take SC's advice and take steps to assure yourself of your value in the relationship, without regard for what she's got going on in her other relationship.
. I, personally, don't prefer to share intimate details of sexual experiences (no religious upbringing involved, just my personality). BUT I would routinely get these little bruises on my upper arms (I bruise easily) that we couldn't figure out...never have, even once we noticed them and started paying attention...just saying. 
