Time, time, time.

A

abejita

New member
I have been with J for about three years. I currently live with J and his wife S (he has been with for nearly 12 years). J has one other partner (three partners total) that he has been with for about 4 years. I have another partner D that I have been with for a little over two years. We all get along very well.

The issue is time. I feel like J is stretched very thin. I often become sad because I would like more time with him. I have told him this. It's just really the logistics of things. We both have other partners, work, school, etc. It's not really possible.

He asked if I was okay with him going out with someone totally new this weekend. I am. I think? I am feeling anxious because I already feel like I don't have enough time with him. I am anxious that now our time together will never increase and possible may be less. The only days he doesn't have a date night is on the weekends. I told him I didn't think it was fair for him to now no longer have the weekends free because of someone new - when I have asked about the weekends before. He said that wouldn't happen. That he does not intend on seeing someone new consistently. But it's hard to promise something like that. You can't control how much you may fall for someone. You may want to see more of them because you connect and they make you happy. I just can't help but to cry when I think about having less time as it is. It feels like my heart breaks because that would feel so shitty to never have more time/possibly have less.

I feel like a shitty partner. I'm afraid resentment will build. But shouldn't I also look out for me too? My partner is now reluctant to see someone new and said it was largely due to what I have said. I'm afraid I am not being fair. But again, I did not tell him that I wasn't okay with him seeing someone new. But I did tell him I would not be okay with having less time. Is that an ultimatum? I am afraid I am being unfair. But it really hurts. I don't know what to do. I wish things were easier. I wish there were more hours in the day.
 
Hi abejita,

Re:
"I did tell him I would not be okay with having less time. Is that an ultimatum?"
Click to expand...

Certainly not. An ultimatum is when you say, "I'll leave if you start dating someone new."

I think you're having a guilt complex over something that's not your fault. J already has three partners. There's no question he's spreading himself thin. How do his wife and third partner feel about this?

Technically, you could try and date some new people yourself, if you need that romantic contact and J isn't available to supply it. Or you could exercise your "me time" muscles. But you can't force J to do what you want him to. Since you've already told him of your concerns (and apparently he's not concerned about them), I don't know what else you could do. Unless you do want to state an ultimatum, but I don't suppose you're that desperate yet.

Sorry this is happening.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
How are you being unfair? There ARE only 24 hours in a day.

If 8 are sleeping, 8 are at work, he's got 8 hrs left to split across things like

  • travel to and fro work
  • errands for the house and housekeeping
  • time with his romantic partners
  • time with friends and family
  • hobbies, volunteering, etc

Dating takes up time, and if any of those should become a long term partner, that takes up time also.

He's got 3 partners so far. It is perfectly valid to wonder if he's going past his polysaturation point, and if the quality of your relationship is going to take a ding because he's too stretched thin.

"I did tell him I would not be okay with having less time. Is that an ultimatum?"
Click to expand...

No. It is information shared. He's not a mind reader. You have to state where you stand for him to come to know it.

What is "unfair" about you giving him clear communication like that? :confused:

Have you ALSO said you wish you had more time with him? Is he aware you want that? Because again... he isn't a mind reader. And part of you looking out for you is making your wants, needs and limits KNOWN to your people. You ask them if they could be willing to do those things for you. They can't be guessing or mind readering you. You could speak up and ASK for what you need/want.

I feel like a shitty partner. I'm afraid resentment will build.
Click to expand...

Could you please be willing to clarify? Are you saying that you are afraid he will come to resent you if you just tell him what your time needs are in full and ask if he could be willing to meet those wants/needs?

Could you be confusing "giving him clear communication about your actual needs are" with "not wanting to seem needy?"

Galagirl
 
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Hi abjita,

I'm in a similar situation to you - my main partner, who I live with, has three partners total. My main partner is also open to dating others. I completely understand how rough this can be.

You're not wrong about J being stretched too thin. Balancing three partners is already a lot. I don't know why some people are unable or unwilling to set limits on themselves and feel that being poly means never saying no. Just because we follow a relationship model that embraces loving more than one, it doesn't mean we have the time or energy to execute all of these relationships successfully.

You say you live with J. Could it be that J thinks you guys already have tons of time together? Is it *quality* time you are missing? Is most of your time centered around watching TV and doing house stuff? Do you not get any alone time?

You should look out for yourself as well as your partners, yes. You're not telling him what to do - you're expressing your concern that your relationship with him will no longer meet your needs. You are not being unfair.

Actually, J is guilting you, whether he means to or not. If J has decided not to date anyone new, that's his decision to own. It is not fair to say "I decided this because you're unhappy". It is more grown-up to say "After talking to you, I realised I might be spreading myself too thin. I want us to work, and I think three partners is enough." If he doesn't feel that way, he shouldn't be making the decision!

I would talk to him about this again and specify what 'time' means to you. I would also figure out what your plan B will be if you continue to lack the time you need with him, and I'd communicate that. Not in an ultimatum sense - in the open, honest sense. For instance, I used to tell my girlfriend that she was the only 'primary' I wanted. Now that I'm one of three serious partners, I've told her that I'd like a second 'primary'. I've also told her that I'm happier being one of two than one of three. It doesn't mean she has to change anything, it just means that she knows where I'm at so that she doesn't get a shock if I eventually start building another primary relationship.
 
If I were you, I would say something like this to him:

"You are free to do what you want and date as many people as you want. However, we are spending less time together than I need to feel connected to you, and that hurts. I want more time with you and I hope we can work something out.

If you are willing to make an effort to spend more time with me, then it is up to you to figure out how you can do that while having other relationships and dating new people. If I see that I am becoming less and less of a priority to you, and that my relationship with you always comes after everyone else, then I will feel less valued, less respected, and less important to you, and that would make me wonder if we are heading to an end.

If you are happy with the amount of time we have together and see no reason to spend more time with me, then I will have to rethink my expectations and needs for this relationship, and may have to pull back my investment in it, which also makes me wonder if we are becoming incompatible. If we are going to make some changes, then I hope we can keep talking about this as we go along."
 
You sound pretty reasonable, and so does his response. What would be more concerning to me is how much of this you are shouldering. You've communicated a boundary (time needed to feel like your relationship is in tact) and it is a perfectly normal one. He has stated his concern over that boundary, which is good. You know he cares and is thinking about your boundary, that's great and you shouldn't feel guilt over it at all. Now it's his call to determine if he really does have the time to manage this or not. If he chooses to try it out just keep communicating how you feel, maybe he really does have the time or ability to do this or maybe not. I don't see the harm in trying so long as he's still willing to respect you and your boundary (which it sounds like he is).

best of luck,
k
 
Hi Abejita,

Regardless of whether or not he feels he's hit his saturation point, you're reaching your dilution point, and it's definitely reasonable for you to communicate this. It's what you need in order for your relationship with him to be healthy.

Keeping the communication flowing should help nip resentment in the bud, rather than burying it until it erupts.

Hoping for the best!
 
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