Some background for anyone interested...
I'm the hinge in a straight Vee with my very long-term partner and a semi long distance boyfriend who I had been having a sex only relationship with for a while.
Calling that new relationship love is a way off but it opened me to recognising poly was an option for me, and my partners. I'm yet to describe what we have as poly to the boyfriend because I don't want him to feel having him 'fall in love' with me is a driving force for my connection with him. We were friends 1st and I adore him and we're so good when we're together but I don't need to put a label on us...
My long-term love has been super supportive sees himself as poly and wants us to find our groove.
So I initiated telling the boyfriend I'd like to have him in my life as a boyfriend not just a fuckbuddy. At the time he came back with a few limits on his availability on a few levels and I stayed pretty steadfast on that I wasn't seeking change to our routine just an acknowledgement of there being some kind of us.
Now I am really good with boundaries and respecting other people's needs, so I accepted all these reasons I'm really a secondary to his life but since I initiated a change in our status he's become less emotionally available to me.
I was coping ok with that and understood this is new and scary to him but then yesterday when the 3 of us met up he was talking a lot about at some point wanting someone to sit on the couch at home with the kids, needing more one day, etc - basically a whole bunch of focus on what he feels I can't give him.
It didn't hit me until later how this feels so unfair to me - that not only am I given barriers from him but then he's not giving us a chance and focusing on what we may not ever be instead of enjoying what we are.
I've said I'm happy to come out as seeing 2 guys with him staying seen as a mono individual but because his kids know me as 1/2 of a couple he doesn't want them to ever know about us.
We come from a swinging background so it's not a major insult or anything and like I said this is all a completely new concept to him.
Am I behaving like some kind of doormat here? I feel pretty indignant about the blatant hypocrisy between his limits and my inability to be a nesting partner.
I should add - he's unexpectedly become a 100% carer to his 3 kids and as a result doesn't even have his own bedroom at home, has minimal spare time so any thoughts of having a normal relationship is pretty much a fantasy right now. Sure a girlfriend could sit on his couch but besides meals there's not much else she could do in his house with him.
All I ever wanted from us what to enjoy the amazing connection we have together, be supportive of eachother when needed and have fun.
I fear the NRE is dwindling fast as he falls to really show up in anyway besides in person once a week. I'm left feeling sad instead of excited and my desire for emotional self preservation is beginning to outweigh the very limited warm and fuzzies.
Remember this is a dear friend of mine and partners. My partner has been a strong ally for him, helping me try and see how confusing it must be for the boyfriend and to give him a chance to settle in and get past his fears before throwing in the towel.
Anyway - I have told myself I'll give it a month. Can anyone share their experiences of dating partners new to poly and any tips about how to make things feel safer for everyone?
Plus interested to know if I'm being overly sensitive to his comments yesterday and if not, how to so I express this without sounding accusatory (which never goes down well)?
Any tips at all will be most gratefully received.
I do believe we can work through this and I want to. He may read like an insensitive ass but really he's a very simple guy, capable of being very kind and loving.
I'm the hinge in a straight Vee with my very long-term partner and a semi long distance boyfriend who I had been having a sex only relationship with for a while.
Calling that new relationship love is a way off but it opened me to recognising poly was an option for me, and my partners. I'm yet to describe what we have as poly to the boyfriend because I don't want him to feel having him 'fall in love' with me is a driving force for my connection with him. We were friends 1st and I adore him and we're so good when we're together but I don't need to put a label on us...
My long-term love has been super supportive sees himself as poly and wants us to find our groove.
So I initiated telling the boyfriend I'd like to have him in my life as a boyfriend not just a fuckbuddy. At the time he came back with a few limits on his availability on a few levels and I stayed pretty steadfast on that I wasn't seeking change to our routine just an acknowledgement of there being some kind of us.
Now I am really good with boundaries and respecting other people's needs, so I accepted all these reasons I'm really a secondary to his life but since I initiated a change in our status he's become less emotionally available to me.
I was coping ok with that and understood this is new and scary to him but then yesterday when the 3 of us met up he was talking a lot about at some point wanting someone to sit on the couch at home with the kids, needing more one day, etc - basically a whole bunch of focus on what he feels I can't give him.
It didn't hit me until later how this feels so unfair to me - that not only am I given barriers from him but then he's not giving us a chance and focusing on what we may not ever be instead of enjoying what we are.
I've said I'm happy to come out as seeing 2 guys with him staying seen as a mono individual but because his kids know me as 1/2 of a couple he doesn't want them to ever know about us.
We come from a swinging background so it's not a major insult or anything and like I said this is all a completely new concept to him.
Am I behaving like some kind of doormat here? I feel pretty indignant about the blatant hypocrisy between his limits and my inability to be a nesting partner.
I should add - he's unexpectedly become a 100% carer to his 3 kids and as a result doesn't even have his own bedroom at home, has minimal spare time so any thoughts of having a normal relationship is pretty much a fantasy right now. Sure a girlfriend could sit on his couch but besides meals there's not much else she could do in his house with him.
All I ever wanted from us what to enjoy the amazing connection we have together, be supportive of eachother when needed and have fun.
I fear the NRE is dwindling fast as he falls to really show up in anyway besides in person once a week. I'm left feeling sad instead of excited and my desire for emotional self preservation is beginning to outweigh the very limited warm and fuzzies.
Remember this is a dear friend of mine and partners. My partner has been a strong ally for him, helping me try and see how confusing it must be for the boyfriend and to give him a chance to settle in and get past his fears before throwing in the towel.
Anyway - I have told myself I'll give it a month. Can anyone share their experiences of dating partners new to poly and any tips about how to make things feel safer for everyone?
Plus interested to know if I'm being overly sensitive to his comments yesterday and if not, how to so I express this without sounding accusatory (which never goes down well)?
Any tips at all will be most gratefully received.
I do believe we can work through this and I want to. He may read like an insensitive ass but really he's a very simple guy, capable of being very kind and loving.