to try still or not...

mhjb2801

mhjb2801

New member
So, about 2 months ago, I met someone. Things were going great. This was their 1st poly involvement. Things went really good for a couple of weeks, but I knew he was having issues with the whole "she's married but dating" thing. I gave him some space to work things out.

Fast forward 3 weeks of hearing nothing, to us getting ready to go out again, as he says he's worked thru his feeling and issues. Well, the day we were supposed to go out, we were texting back and forth to each other. About 2 hours before our date, I get a text that his girlfriend (who wasn't there 3 weeks before-- this is the 1st I've heard of her) found them and is pissed. He then states he's talked to her about getting into poly, but she isn't into it.

Now here's the issue I have. I don't care that there is a girlfriend. In fact, I welcome it, and am for it. But I'm not for him being dishonest with me that there was a girlfriend, and still willing to go thru with a date with me, knowing she wasn't okay with poly.

He's still wanting to be with me, and is trying to work out things with her. I'm not sure if I like this idea, because in many ways it makes me feel like a cheater, in the fact she's so far been not cool with everything.

Should I just write this off or give it a try still?
 
I discussed this with my husband and a few poly friends, who are mixed on whether to give him a chance or not, if he works his stuff out, because he's still new to this and seems like this is his thing. This is the 1st time he's been dishonest. And as I pointed out, the whole girlfriend thing could've been something he wanted to talk about in person vs over the phone/text.
 
I think if you really want to, no advice on the net will dissuade you. But as long as the gf is opposed, you can't actually see him, or else it will be cheating, won't it?
 
People will occasionally make mistakes - especially when exploring behavior that is adverse to what we are taught by society. The question is whether or not this is mistake or a pattern of behavior. Unfortunately, at this early date, you have no way of knowing.

As for the other gf, that is his relationship to manage, not yours. However, how he manages it will again speak to a pattern of behavior.

On the issue of cheating cheating is deceiving someone. The fact that she doesn't like this, and he chooses to do it anyway, is perhaps stupid, but not deceitful.
 
bookbug said:
Cheating is deceiving someone. The fact that she doesn't like it, and he chooses to do it anyway, is perhaps stupid, but not deceitful.
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I think that depends entirely on what he says to the gf. "I'm polyamorous. I see other people. You can either take it or take a hike," may not, in your eyes, be cheating, but it sure isn't poly.
 
Natja said:
I think that depends entirely on what he says to the gf.
"I'm polyamorous. I see other people. You can either take it or take a hike," may not, in your eyes, be cheating, but it sure isn't poly.
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I totally agree. It isn't poly. The question, however, regarded cheating.
 
bookbug said:
I totally agree. It isn't poly. The question, however, regarded cheating.
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I said 'in your eyes' for a reason. I don't happen to agree with it. The OP may have her ideas also. At this point we don't have the details.
 
It can and often does take a formerly mono couple months, if not years, to feel good about, safe about, opening their relationship.

When I was newer to poly, I had a first date with a guy who told me his wife would be fine with him and me dating. We'd been IMing for months. He lived a couple hours away so I wanted to be sure.

So, we finally met, and since we felt close, we had sex and did other romantic stuff.

Then he actually told his wife about me! Long story short, her version of good poly was, she can date guys, he can date guys (he's bi), but casual sex only for him, and no women, and no romance!

They had actually had a live-in partner for a while, a man for her to love, and for him to have gay sex with, but this did not translate to him dating me.

I'd say back off and let those two work out how poly will work for them before you get your heart more entangled with his.
 
mhjb2801 said:
About 2 hours before our date, I get a text that his girlfriend (who wasn't there 3 weeks before and this was the 1st I'd heard of her) found them and is pissed. He then states he's talked to her about getting into poly, but she isn't into it.
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Drama!

Some mistakes are excusable due to inexperience. In my opinion, repeated lying is not among them. He's lied to you about her, and to her about you. To me, that appears not as beginner's mistake, but a pattern of deception.

Ultimately, it's up to you. You write your own ethical book. This smells very messy and isn't likely to work out in the long run. Lot of heartache for nothing, me thinks. Personally, I wouldn't touch this with a ten-foot pole. I only involve myself with people who are open and honest, and whose partners sincerely support this relationship style. Not only do I find it helps me sleep better at night, but it also keeps things much less dramatic. I don't like drama.

Natja said:
May not, in your eyes, be cheating, but it sure isn't poly.
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bookbug said:
I totally agree. It isn't poly.
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Please don't presume to define polyamory for everyone. It may not be how you do poly, but that doesn't mean "It's not poly."

Labels, labels, labels. This is why I abhor them. Who cares if it's "poly" or "cheating" anyway? What purpose does it serve to wrap the behaviour up in a neat package and paste a printed sticker on top? Does it change the behaviour? Does it present automatic solutions? Or does it merely make you feel smug and superior to classify it and distance yourself from that label?
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Or does it merely make you feel smug and superior to classify it and distance yourself from that label?
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You presume much. I have no emotional investment in this thread. But as far as I am concerned, an unwilling partner does not polyamory make. Does it mean it is non-monogamy? Absolutely! And non-monogamy is fine. I have no problem with that. I just don't call it polyamory, is all.
Doesn't make me feel superior, doesn't make me feel anything. It is my opinion and it is no less nor more valid than yours or anyone else's.
Don't like it, that is fine, but don't project some emotional reaction onto me that I in no way feel.

Thanks muchly,
N
 
SchrodingersCat said:
This smells very messy and isn't likely to work out in the long run.
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This seems like the most relevant point to me. He has a girlfriend in the wings who is explicitly against his being with other people, and his first instinct is to hide her from the OP and vice versa. He wants to continue dating anyway. Man, that's going to be trouble.

Whether or not he and his girlfriend eventually work it out months or years down the road will not mitigate the fact that drama seems unavoidable currently. Some people aren't dissuaded by impending drama, certainly if they've got NRE pumping, which sounds like it may be the case for OP.

SchrodingersCat said:
It may not be how you do poly, but that doesn't mean "it's not poly."
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I hope that people are just misspeaking when they say things like this; I see it so frequently on these boards. I presume what they mean is "healthy" or "likely to last" or "how I want my relationships". Attempting to make "poly" a narrow type of non-monogamous relating in which everyone is "whatever" is a fruitless effort.
 
Natja said:
I think that depends entirely on what he says to the gf.
"I'm polyamorous. I see other people. You can either take it or take a hike," may not, in your eyes, be cheating, but it sure isn't poly.
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Why isn't that poly? One partner is saying to the other that they either consent to them seeing other people, or they choose to end the relationship. They are either consensually non-monogamous, or not together at all. If you discover later in life that you are polyamorous, after being in a committed relationship, that is what it might boil down to.
 
london said:
Why isn't that poly? One partner is saying to the other that they either consent to them seeing other people, or they choose to end the relationship. They are either consensually non-monogamous, or not together at all. If you discover later in life that you are polyamorous, after being in a committed relationship, that is what it might boil down to.
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Someone who agrees under duress is not really agreeing. Ergo, it is not really consensual. Why not just end the relationship if the person doesn't want you to be poly? I just don't see the point in dragging out a relationship that is not working, happy, or compatible. It's a recipe for some sort of emotional masochism, and I don't go for that.
 
The same could be asked of the other person: why don't they just leave if they don't want to be mono?

I agree that ultimatums are not a great way to go, but sometimes, in relationships, your needs change and are no longer compatible with your partner's needs. I am overall skeptical about relationships that started out monogamous and now aren't, but there are people who are happily in this situation. I think for a great many of those, at some point, an ultimatum of this kind may have been given. The poly person said that despite their love for their mono partner, they cannot be happy and monogamous, so they either have a non-monogamous relationship, or split up. I agree that there is an amount of coercion because they know they either agree, or lose the relationship, but I also think that some people could make a truly informed choice to have the non monogamous relationship. Doubting that someone could make an informed choice is doubting their ability to consent altogether, and I wouldn't just assume someone is unable to consent to something simply because there is a coercive influence. It has to be acknowledged, but it doesn't always supersede someone's ability to make a decision.

If the mono person clearly isn't dealing with it, then I agree that it is both unethical and some sort of masochism (not the hot kind) to continue with the relationship. And I mean unethical of both parties, not just the poly person.
 
Well, after reading the replies and talking with both my husband and other poly friends, the only way we'd continue is if there was a meeting of the minds, so to speak. I'd have to meet with the girlfriend to see if she understands and is okay with everything, and maybe having it explained from someone else so it doesn't seem like he's just feeding her lines, and if it is, it should come out also. Then I've got my choice made easy. If he doesn't want us to meet, then again, it's worked out easy, as it will be done with.
 
Marcus said:
I hope that people are just misspeaking when they say things like this; I see it so frequently on these boards. I presume what they mean is "healthy," or "likely to last," or "how I want my relationships." Attempting to make "poly" a narrow type of non-monogamous relating in which everyone is "whatever" is a fruitless effort.
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Just for the sake of clarifying my own position, I have no judgements about how anyone else governs their relationships, nor do I believe there is one right format or prescribed configuration. I had no idea, when trying to define the concept of cheating, that someone was going to try to draw me into a pissing match about the definition of poly. I should have said instead of "This isn't poly," that this is not a situation I would welcome. What I do see in regard to this question posed by the OP is the potential a lot of ensuing drama.

And if it were me - but it isn't - I would want to determine if the lying is a newbie error, or a pattern of behavior.
 
bookbug said:
I had no idea when trying to define the concept of cheating, someone was going to try to draw me into a pissing match about the definition of poly.
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We're having a pissing match about the definition of poly?
 
Marcus said:
We're having a pissing match about the definition of poly?
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Sorry Marcus, I quoted you, but the comment wasn't directed at you. Earlier in the thread, like several days ago, I was responding to the original poster, and rather than understand the overall message I was trying to convey, another poster about nit-picked me to death in regard to definitions of cheating and poly. I finally responded with, "Yes, this isn't poly," an agreement of sorts, just to try to get off the tangent and back to the OP's original dilemma. It didn't work. I was irritated and dropped off the thread. I came back to find myself quoted out of context.
 
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