Told my wife I am poly how can I make this easier for her
- Thread starter Tifachu
- Start date
It's a fine story in a wide general sense but in the specific are you telling the mono lesbian she's wrong for wanting a solo dynamic with her spouse based broader rainbow flag and more rights for all. How dare she call herself a lesbian with such a closed mind
Sarcasm can be so inappropriate when sensitive matters are being discussed. (Although our OP seems to have dropped out of the conversation.)
No, it's fine to not want a poly partner. But it's not fine, IMO, to judge any poly person as depraved or evil or defective or whatever. Just as it's not fine to judge a gay person as depraved, evil or sick.
dingedheart
Well-known member
who said poly isnt good for anyone?
dingedheart
Well-known member
Which sensitive matters are you talking about ? Being poly bombed or sexual identity politics ?
It seems ironic that the 2 hetero males are sticking up for lesbian wife's right to choose.
Could you please quote or direct me to where someone said in this thread that the poly partner was sick and depraved I must have missed that.
Ravenscroft
Banned
dingedheart, you're kinda demonstrating what my mom meant when she said "people who look for personal insult seem to find it pretty quick."
Firstly, seeing how this thread has evolved & expanded, it's disingenuous of you to suddenly demand to know how my little story solves the OP's self-made problems.
As Magdlyn (& probably anyone who's actually kept up with the thread) sees, my tale was a direct response to CTF's "it ain't gonna happen" conversation-killer. I'll clarify for you: it HAS happened, & it probably CAN happen. Peoplewho face similar derogation & shaming, & do not accept this as just, do indeed have something in common.
You're trolling for a fight, resorting to insult & name-calling, then pretending to righteousness.
Ick.
Go ahead, solve the OP's problem.
Firstly, seeing how this thread has evolved & expanded, it's disingenuous of you to suddenly demand to know how my little story solves the OP's self-made problems.
As Magdlyn (& probably anyone who's actually kept up with the thread) sees, my tale was a direct response to CTF's "it ain't gonna happen" conversation-killer. I'll clarify for you: it HAS happened, & it probably CAN happen. Peoplewho face similar derogation & shaming, & do not accept this as just, do indeed have something in common.
You're trolling for a fight, resorting to insult & name-calling, then pretending to righteousness.
Ick.
Go ahead, solve the OP's problem.
dingedheart
Well-known member
dingedheart, you're kinda demonstrating what my mom meant when she said "people who look for personal insult seem to find it pretty quick."
Firstly, seeing how this thread has evolved & expanded, it's disingenuous of you to suddenly demand to know how my little story solves the OP's self-made problems.
As Magdlyn (& probably anyone who's actually kept up with the thread) sees, my tale was a direct response to CTF's "it ain't gonna happen" conversation-killer. I'll clarify for you: it HAS happened, & it probably CAN happen. Peoplewho face similar derogation & shaming, & do not accept this as just, do indeed have something in common.
You're trolling for a fight, resorting to insult & name-calling, then pretending to C
Ick.
Go ahead, solve the OP's problem.
Your mother sounds like a very wise woman, however I'm not sure how that applies to me. I'm wasn't personally insulted by anyone or any concept or opinion expressed on this thread.
Wow ..I'm disingenuous because I didn't quite understand the point of your story. I think I read it over 2-3 times to make sure. And I asked a question I didnt demand anything. Did mom have any words of wisdom on people being overly dramatic
Thank you for clarifying for me. And I apologize if I've annoyed you in so doing ....but I just looked at CTF post and I didn't see " ain't going to happen " conversation-killer. And " it has happened & it probably CAN " refers to the op's wife cutting slack because of the share political strife ? For the record I'm fine with you and mags having that opinion or belief. I think it's silly/foolish / dangerous for the op to float that to her partner as some sort of coping strategy but hey I could be wrong. Having had the poly dropped on me its all very personal and if all the other member of professional organization were poly accepting wouldn't have mattered to me. Sorry just sayin
Trolling for fight, insults and name calling. You realize people can go back and read all the post right. So let me get this straight if I post something you disagree with and you express a different opinion that's just good healthy debate but if you post something that I don't understand and I ask/ (demand) you a question that's trolling for a fight.
You seem to have a pretty healthy ego I'm wondering how that works in a complex poly schematic. Date a lot of push overs ?
Can't believe wrote Ick
. but thank you it took me back to note passing in JR high. I know I was suppose to be offended and reprimanded by that but I found it funny. As for the op problem. It's Simple. They have a relatively short time invested. Neither one should have to settle. The op having to settle for a boring repressive mono life. And the spouse settling for being some fraction when she'd perfer being the one and only. I'd say get out.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Thanks to Ravenscroft I went back and read this thread.
In so doing I saw were I made the comment about relationships that didn't survive the poly bomb. Here's a quick list from my memory. Most of these usernames are back when I participated much more frequently. Kev or gala might have more current list.
Carma
Freetime
Rider47
Sage ..first marriage
Oxygen
Podunk
vodkafan
TruckerPete ??
Beodude123,
robertcourage ,
bangel,
Ispolyforme
dubious proposition,
Poohbah123,
stumbling alone,
firehaus,
boba
kindapod ,
cheesehead or something,
moringglory,
Baggage @ elemental ,
that psychologist that moved up stairs, can't think of her username
CaBo
Bravery Seeker at polyamory.com
Hoyam
If I go through my PM's I'm sure I could add some more names
In so doing I saw were I made the comment about relationships that didn't survive the poly bomb. Here's a quick list from my memory. Most of these usernames are back when I participated much more frequently. Kev or gala might have more current list.
Carma
Freetime
Rider47
Sage ..first marriage
Oxygen
Podunk
vodkafan
TruckerPete ??
Beodude123,
robertcourage ,
bangel,
Ispolyforme
dubious proposition,
Poohbah123,
stumbling alone,
firehaus,
boba
kindapod ,
cheesehead or something,
moringglory,
Baggage @ elemental ,
that psychologist that moved up stairs, can't think of her username
CaBo
Bravery Seeker at polyamory.com
Hoyam
If I go through my PM's I'm sure I could add some more names
Hannahfluke
Member
Your mother sounds like a very wise woman, however I'm not sure how that applies to me. I'm wasn't personally insulted by anyone or any concept or opinion expressed on this thread.
Wow ..I'm disingenuous because I didn't quite understand the point of your story. I think I read it over 2-3 times to make sure. And I asked a question I didnt demand anything. Did mom have any words of wisdom on people being overly dramatic
Thank you for clarifying for me. And I apologize if I've annoyed you in so doing ....but I just looked at CTF post and I didn't see " ain't going to happen " conversation-killer. And " it has happened & it probably CAN " refers to the op's wife cutting slack because of the share political strife ? For the record I'm fine with you and mags having that opinion or belief. I think it's silly/foolish / dangerous for the op to float that to her partner as some sort of coping strategy but hey I could be wrong. Having had the poly dropped on me its all very personal and if all the other member of professional organization were poly accepting wouldn't have mattered to me. Sorry just sayin
Trolling for fight, insults and name calling. You realize people can go back and read all the post right. So let me get this straight if I post something you disagree with and you express a different opinion that's just good healthy debate but if you post something that I don't understand and I ask/ (demand) you a question that's trolling for a fight.
You seem to have a pretty healthy ego I'm wondering how that works in a complex poly schematic. Date a lot of push overs ?
Can't believe wrote Ick
As for the op problem. It's Simple. They have a relatively short time invested. Neither one should have to settle. The op having to settle for a boring repressive mono life. And the spouse settling for being some fraction when she'd perfer being the one and only. I'd say get out.
Ravenscroft wasn't commenting on the part of CTF's response that referred to the original poster. He was commenting on a part of CTF's response that said something along the lines of "poly people will never have the support of gay and lesbain people just because they are all outliers on the social norm." Ravenscroft gave an example, from his experience, that shows that poly, gay, lesbain, bi people came together to support each other. He didn't mean it to be an example of what the original posters wife should do, he was addressing the bigger context that CTF had introduced in his post.
anamikanon
New member
While she does appear to know you well enough to guess something like this before you told her, do keep in mind that this situation is new and something of an emotional shock to both of you.
For you, from thinking of it, you've taken the first scary step to admitting it to her. It is likely very different from knowing for yourself alone and you will tend to be reactive and sensitive in this time and generally feeling very strongly about your disclosure and poly in general.
For her, you telling her about it is vastly different from her thinking you may be poly because it is now a stated reality between the two of you as opposed to her insight into you.
Both of you are new and adapting to this being a stated reality between the two of you. Answers may not be immediately evident if your initial responses are very different and you both care enough about each other that going your own ways is also not an obvious choice. Give it time.
Naturally. Whether it is possible remains to be seen, but neither of you are entering this selfishly and that is a positive thing.
I would suggest that you reassure her that nothing is going to happen unilaterally and that there is no hurry to make up her mind (or yours). It is a complex mismatch of needs that allows no solution with full joy upfront. So don't conclude in a hurry.
In the meanwhile, is it possible that the two of you have conversations regarding poly? What do you feel the need for? What do you have in mind? What kind of situation would bring you joy? What disturbs her about poly? How does she imagine you'd be with another woman and in what way it bothers her?
Getting into details without hurrying to conclusions allows you to potentially chart a course through a minefield. Perhaps you may not get poly fully as your vision, but you may have the things you most long for. Perhaps she may not have you as exclusive as she prefers, but the manner in which it is done does not trigger her worst fears, reduces her feelings of being threatened and thus both of you are able to continue your relationship.
Because if you can't find a middle way, the answer is obvious, but painful. One of you sucks it up and calls it life, or you separate. This is what you have available to choose from at this point. It isn't something to look eagerly forward to. So you might as well take a lot of time exploring just what you want or don't want in a lot of detail to find places you can agree. Always remember, conceding some parts on both of you will make it easier for the other to compromise as well, because that attempt to go beyond own preferences for the joy/security of the other is a direct statement of love between the two of you and very reassuring that whatever happens, the relationship is not being threatened.
Why do people use such cliched lines? I didn't even have cause to be nasty till I read this. We say what we believe is helpful to offer. Take what seems useful to you. And sometimes a verbal kick in the butt is worth the weight of the laptop you read it on - in gold. Are you really so sorted in this situation or flush with ideas that you can afford to be picky on what you will accept as a suggestion based on what you think of strangers on an internet forum?
Last edited: