Hello. I have yet to really find poly people in person when it comes to a support system or friendship group. All of my poly connections are currently via the internet and all of the people in the polycule are involved with the same forum. I want to share my situation with someone(s) who doesn't know myself, my partners, or their partners. This is going to be long, I apologize in advance.
I am not new to poly. I will be the first to admit that I do not have a ton of practice under my belt (a couple of active years) my nesting partner and I started out poly (8 years ago) and then threw it on pause about a year in. Then we reopened our relationship almost 2 years ago. He has a FWB, LDR partner. I have a D/s LDR partner. Things are solid with my nesting partner.
My LDR partner already had four partners prior to me engaging in a relationship with him. One nesting partner and the other three LDR. In hindsight, I probably should have refrained from moving forward with anything more serious than the flirty friendship we had. I asked a lot of questions, A LOT, prior to moving forward. He talked with his partners (looking back now I wish I would have also talked in depth with his partners) and we decided to explore a relationship between us. We both envisioned our relationship being casual D/s (I am the Dominant partner) and us seeing each other maybe 3-4 times a year.
That was all a nice idea and how it has played out over the past year is far from what we imagined. We have connected on a lot of levels and share similar life values and poly ideals. It has progressed to the point where we would like to see each other monthly, if and when we can swing it. On average we see each other about every 5-6 weeks.
He described his polycule as kitchen table poly. His partners interacted with each other outside of him and at least annually they would all get together for a birthday celebration or a meal. I had hesitancy around this because it felt like a lot to manage, but after careful consideration I decided to enter the situation with an open mind and heart. I am an inclusive person by nature.
The truth is, he didn't and doesn't have kitchen table poly. I don't feel as though he sold me a bill of goods, because I honestly believe he was blind to the situation. It is easy to blind to the reality of the big picture when you are at the center of it all. What he has is hinge poly and he recognizes that now. He has five partners who tolerate one another in order to spend time with him. Out of his four LDR partners, I am the only one who travels to him. (West Coast - East Coast) I am also the only one who splits expenses with him. When he spends time with his three other LDR partners he has to travel to them and cover the full expenses of the trip. Him and I have discussed how his lifestyle isn't sustainable long term. Time and money are resources, resources sometimes dry up.
I knew one of his LDR partners for 5ish years prior to entering the polycule, before I even knew him actually. We had been online friends, exchanged message threads, interacted on public forums. I enjoyed her company. When I entered into the polycule she was excited, to the point where she even discussed potentially brining me into their dynamic. (I declined.) After the first time our shared partner and I spent in person time together I could feel her energy shift toward me. She was monosyllabic, cold in her responses, and no longer engaging in conversation. I shared my concern with our hinge partner and he brushed it off. I take ownership that I should have addressed the change in behavior with her as opposed to going through our hinge partner. Eventually all of this came to an ugly head about 9 months later. After denying she had an issue with me for 9 months, she finally admitted that she did. It turns out her issue with me was a misunderstanding. It was nothing I did intentionally and something our hinge partner had not negotiated with her.
Her and I connected after she understood the misunderstanding was created by him. She sent me a long letter of excuses as to why she acted the way we did (as if all of us didn't have a hard 2020/2021) with an apology at the end. None of it seemed very genuine, but I can only work off the information I was given.
It is 9 months post the issues bubbling to the surface along with the apology exchange. She has reached out to me when she has been inebriated. I have left occasional little comments or "love" on the public forum as a way to reach out gently. The attempts of trying to extend the olive branch have continued to be reciprocated with cold and dismissive behavior. Our hinge partner has witnessed this and commented on it.
Our polycule is extremely dysfunctional. I am madly in love with my partner and I am polite to his partners and interact with them on a surface level. He recently told me he was going to increase his time spent with the LDR partner who continues to be cold to me, to see if increased time spent together improves their relationship. They struggle with communication and seem to have a rocky relationship overall. (Prior to me entering the polycule.) When he said that, it felt like a punch straight to the gut. It felt like he really doesn't value me all that much if he is increasing time with someone who continues to be shitty toward me. I understand that this is my hurt. I also understand that it isn't his job (or hers) to manage my hurt.
His logic is the complete opposite of how I would behave though. I wouldn't tolerate anyone (friends, family, partners) being shitty to someone I loved. Sure, we all have bad days and deserve grace, but that fact that this behavior is consistently repeated makes me feel pretty low. I am aware that this might not be the polycule for me. I am also aware that this polycule had a whole lot of cracks prior to me entering the picture. I really love my partner and am looking for advice. I am supportive(ish) of some of his relationships Others (like the one mentioned above) I strictly tolerate. I envisioned poly to be different. Our situation bums me out.
If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate it.
Happy 2022.
PS: I have shared all of this with him. I know our current situation bums him out too. I am empathetic toward him because I know he is not in an easy situation whatsoever. I also recognize though that he had a hand in creating it.
I am not new to poly. I will be the first to admit that I do not have a ton of practice under my belt (a couple of active years) my nesting partner and I started out poly (8 years ago) and then threw it on pause about a year in. Then we reopened our relationship almost 2 years ago. He has a FWB, LDR partner. I have a D/s LDR partner. Things are solid with my nesting partner.
My LDR partner already had four partners prior to me engaging in a relationship with him. One nesting partner and the other three LDR. In hindsight, I probably should have refrained from moving forward with anything more serious than the flirty friendship we had. I asked a lot of questions, A LOT, prior to moving forward. He talked with his partners (looking back now I wish I would have also talked in depth with his partners) and we decided to explore a relationship between us. We both envisioned our relationship being casual D/s (I am the Dominant partner) and us seeing each other maybe 3-4 times a year.
That was all a nice idea and how it has played out over the past year is far from what we imagined. We have connected on a lot of levels and share similar life values and poly ideals. It has progressed to the point where we would like to see each other monthly, if and when we can swing it. On average we see each other about every 5-6 weeks.
He described his polycule as kitchen table poly. His partners interacted with each other outside of him and at least annually they would all get together for a birthday celebration or a meal. I had hesitancy around this because it felt like a lot to manage, but after careful consideration I decided to enter the situation with an open mind and heart. I am an inclusive person by nature.
The truth is, he didn't and doesn't have kitchen table poly. I don't feel as though he sold me a bill of goods, because I honestly believe he was blind to the situation. It is easy to blind to the reality of the big picture when you are at the center of it all. What he has is hinge poly and he recognizes that now. He has five partners who tolerate one another in order to spend time with him. Out of his four LDR partners, I am the only one who travels to him. (West Coast - East Coast) I am also the only one who splits expenses with him. When he spends time with his three other LDR partners he has to travel to them and cover the full expenses of the trip. Him and I have discussed how his lifestyle isn't sustainable long term. Time and money are resources, resources sometimes dry up.
I knew one of his LDR partners for 5ish years prior to entering the polycule, before I even knew him actually. We had been online friends, exchanged message threads, interacted on public forums. I enjoyed her company. When I entered into the polycule she was excited, to the point where she even discussed potentially brining me into their dynamic. (I declined.) After the first time our shared partner and I spent in person time together I could feel her energy shift toward me. She was monosyllabic, cold in her responses, and no longer engaging in conversation. I shared my concern with our hinge partner and he brushed it off. I take ownership that I should have addressed the change in behavior with her as opposed to going through our hinge partner. Eventually all of this came to an ugly head about 9 months later. After denying she had an issue with me for 9 months, she finally admitted that she did. It turns out her issue with me was a misunderstanding. It was nothing I did intentionally and something our hinge partner had not negotiated with her.
Her and I connected after she understood the misunderstanding was created by him. She sent me a long letter of excuses as to why she acted the way we did (as if all of us didn't have a hard 2020/2021) with an apology at the end. None of it seemed very genuine, but I can only work off the information I was given.
It is 9 months post the issues bubbling to the surface along with the apology exchange. She has reached out to me when she has been inebriated. I have left occasional little comments or "love" on the public forum as a way to reach out gently. The attempts of trying to extend the olive branch have continued to be reciprocated with cold and dismissive behavior. Our hinge partner has witnessed this and commented on it.
Our polycule is extremely dysfunctional. I am madly in love with my partner and I am polite to his partners and interact with them on a surface level. He recently told me he was going to increase his time spent with the LDR partner who continues to be cold to me, to see if increased time spent together improves their relationship. They struggle with communication and seem to have a rocky relationship overall. (Prior to me entering the polycule.) When he said that, it felt like a punch straight to the gut. It felt like he really doesn't value me all that much if he is increasing time with someone who continues to be shitty toward me. I understand that this is my hurt. I also understand that it isn't his job (or hers) to manage my hurt.
His logic is the complete opposite of how I would behave though. I wouldn't tolerate anyone (friends, family, partners) being shitty to someone I loved. Sure, we all have bad days and deserve grace, but that fact that this behavior is consistently repeated makes me feel pretty low. I am aware that this might not be the polycule for me. I am also aware that this polycule had a whole lot of cracks prior to me entering the picture. I really love my partner and am looking for advice. I am supportive(ish) of some of his relationships Others (like the one mentioned above) I strictly tolerate. I envisioned poly to be different. Our situation bums me out.
If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate it.
Happy 2022.
PS: I have shared all of this with him. I know our current situation bums him out too. I am empathetic toward him because I know he is not in an easy situation whatsoever. I also recognize though that he had a hand in creating it.
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