Too many metas?

pseudoclever

New member
Keeping this one short:

My partner goes out on a date every night. They have so many partners I don’t even know all their names. At least ten, in constant flux. They don’t want me to know these people at all. I accidentally met their favorite partner, for about 30 seconds at a bar, and my partner said they said they wish it hadn’t happened.

Meanwhile. They get mad if I say the name of another partner out loud, or give them any details about my other relationships. I asked if I could have the house for a date with two month’s notice, and it was a huge fight. Meanwhile, they regularly ask if they can have the house tomorrow, or the day after….

We’ve been together for seven years. We own a house together. We’re fluid bonded.

Thoughts? Really just looking for validation.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
That sounds incredibly unfair.

Are they ever actually home? Do they make any attempt to "date" you and foster your relationship? What nurtures your well-being in this relationship? Why are you in this relationship with someone who is treating you this way? What are your boundaries and what will it take for you to enforce them/protect yourself?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I see you have been together 7 years. How long have you been living together while practicing open/poly? Or is it just since this house? When did you get it?

Do you have separate bedrooms in the house? And some kind of agreement about overnight guests?

Not sure what you want validated. Happy to do it... but what validation do you need? That this fuss over sharing space IS fussy? To me it does sound fussy.

Not sure what you would prefer. Are you finding incompatibilities since living together?

Is it that this partner wants to be "very separate" and you want to know about their partners a little and them to know your partners?

Is it that you wish this partner would be slower to anger/fight?

Is it that you feel neglected? Aren't getting any dates yourself?


I asked if I could have the house for a date with two month’s notice, and it was a huge fight.

It's your house too. It's reasonable for you to use it. It's just a date right? Not like you are gonna have a big wedding there. So why such a long time frame to "reserve" your own house? Isn't a few days to a week's heads up good enough for roomie consideration/courtesy?

Why was it a huge fight? Is it that they don't like planning that far ahead? Don't like to share the house?They want you here to clean house and pay half mortgage? Not actually use the house like you live there?

Meanwhile, they regularly ask if they can have the house tomorrow, or the day after….

They can ask. They can't be a mind reader.

And your answer doesn't have to be "ok" all the time. They can go see the meta at the meta's house some of the time.

If you both make a schedule to alternate, then nobody has to ask but once a quarter or semester or so to change up the days. Then for large stretches at a time you just know Sundays is off. M, W, F is one person. T, Th, Sa is another person. (Or whatever split you agree on.)

The partner can still go out every night if they want to. Just go to the metas house on days when you get the house to do what you want -- be alone, have friends come over to watch a movie, have a partner sleep over, etc.

Why live together if it's gonna be a big deal? Like... if this nesting partner fusses a lot at you? And it would it be easier for you to live with a "regular roomie" that you don't date or live alone? Either one would be less fuss than this?

If so... maybe you no longer want to live together with this partner?

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi pseudoclever,

The poly community doesn't have an official maximum number of partners, but I think most poly people would consider ten or more partners a lot. At the least, your partner should give you the same leeway they give themself, so in that area at least, I'd say you're in the right.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
With the title of your thread here, I think you are distracting yourself from the real issue(s) by focusing on the number of partners your partner has.

"About ten in a constant state of flux" would be too many for me, but my own partner probably almost that many other partners at a given time, if you count dates with new people that never go beyond one date, an asexual partner, a mostly-platonic ex or two, a friend he has a crush on, two or three once-a-year "comet" partners, a kink partner, etc. Doesn't seem necessarily unusual for an extrovert with a high sex drive, a lot of energy, and a large social circle.

However. I don't live with my partner because his daily life & other partners popping in & out would not work for my daily life. I am an introvert. He is very extroverted and wildly spontaneous. I like a quiet house and planning ahead, and no other people in my space. So we don't live together. We have been dating happily for almost 11 years now!

So, aside from the number of partners. Your relationship with your partner is not working.

Your partner gets mad and has a huge fight with you when you ask to have the house for a night two months in advance, whereas your partner asks for the house to themselves with short notice all the time.

Your partner is upset if you even accidentally meet their most regular other partner for 30 seconds in a bar
. That seems weird and impractical. I meet and have met many of my partner's other partners often. Even though we do parallel poly and keep things separate, they are frequently at events, parties, just hanging out in the house, or deliberately wanting to meet me and have lunch or something. Just logistically, it would be strange if I had to avoid meeting them.

Your partner can't handle you mentioning anything about your other partner(s). That sounds exhausting and impractical.

Your partner goes out on dates every night. Not necessarily a problem, but it sounds like it bothers you. Do they spend any time with you? Do you want more time with them? Have you asked them for more time together or more date nights with you?

Has it always been like this, or did your partner's behavior change suddenly?

Have you always been poly?
 
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