This is more personal but I’ll try to stick to the basics. I want to be polyamorous. I feel a lift in spirits and excitement for the future at the possibility of forming multiple deep romantic relationships with people, and not feel, like I do now, that I have to restrain myself from honest and loving connections with people I’m attracted to (even non sexual partners). I never have had a polyamorous relationship aside from casual dating and a brief failed open relationship. We closed our relationship after the first time I told her I had slept with someone else. She was devastated and realized it wasn’t what she wanted. We have also talked about having a threesome, and recently had an ideal chance to do so, but the same thing came up that it seems that’s not really what she wants. I love her so much, but I also feel like my life would be more rich and full with polyamory. If I decide the latter is more important to me, and break up with her, I have the dilemma that I really do love her and want to be with her, but I know she would want to let me be polyamorous while she wasn’t, if it was between that and a breakup. I don’t want that kind of unequal relationship and I know she would be hurt in that sort of relationship too. Is the only option left to cut it off with her without sharing the reason? Are there other or better ways someone could shift from monogamy to polyamory? Is it wrong to keep trying to convince her it could be better?
Transition from a monogamous relationship to polyamory
- Thread starter Blue8
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Hi Blue8,
There is one other option you didn't mention; that is, you could tell her, "I'm going to have polyamorous relationships, and I know you would stay with me even though it would hurt you, so I am taking the initiative now, and breaking up with you. I'm sorry." There is of course the second option; you could tell her, "I'm going to have polyamorous relationships, so if you want to break up I would understand, but if you want to stay with me that's okay too, it's up to you." That would probably hurt her less in the short run, but more in the long run. You really don't have any good options here, I am sure that she is hoping you will stay with her *and* not be poly. You are free to choose that option as well, of course. Then you'll be unhappy. The bottom line is, if you and she stay together, one of you is going to be unhappy. I don't see any way around that.
Except, there is the conceivable thought that maybe she could be convinced to accept poly. You can definitely keep discussing it with her, it could easily take a year or more before she comes around. Perhaps the thing to do is, think about how long you are willing to wait for her to come around. How long you are willing to wait before you conclude, "She's not going to come around." She might come around and she might not; I don't know her well enough to say.
Tough situation. I don't envy you.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
There is one other option you didn't mention; that is, you could tell her, "I'm going to have polyamorous relationships, and I know you would stay with me even though it would hurt you, so I am taking the initiative now, and breaking up with you. I'm sorry." There is of course the second option; you could tell her, "I'm going to have polyamorous relationships, so if you want to break up I would understand, but if you want to stay with me that's okay too, it's up to you." That would probably hurt her less in the short run, but more in the long run. You really don't have any good options here, I am sure that she is hoping you will stay with her *and* not be poly. You are free to choose that option as well, of course. Then you'll be unhappy. The bottom line is, if you and she stay together, one of you is going to be unhappy. I don't see any way around that.
Except, there is the conceivable thought that maybe she could be convinced to accept poly. You can definitely keep discussing it with her, it could easily take a year or more before she comes around. Perhaps the thing to do is, think about how long you are willing to wait for her to come around. How long you are willing to wait before you conclude, "She's not going to come around." She might come around and she might not; I don't know her well enough to say.
Tough situation. I don't envy you.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
If you want poly, why are you participating in a relationship model that does not fit you?
If this is your partner? Why do you have a hard time practicing honesty and loving connection with her by being emotionally honest with her about who you are and what you want?
Have you been able to be emotionally honest with past partners?
Sometimes you date people. Some are not even initially compatible. Those are easy. You just don't make a second or third date.
Some are initially compatible at first... but of those? They don't all end up being deeply compatible. Then it is harder. You've been dating a while, formed some attachments. But it's not really a runner -- like DEEP compatibility. Sounds like you are bumping into that here.
Started out ok for a while but now realizing... no. Not a deep match. And you maybe feel sad about it. But not quite ready to let go yet.
Is that it? You are in the stages of grief? Like you know this is gonna be a break up in the end, but are in the bargaining stage with yourself? Like still trying to find a way so it doesn't have to be that?
If so, you have my sympathy. Anticipatory grief, grief -- it can be hard.
Well, what DOES she say she wants? Is it that she wants an exclusive, monogamous partner? And you know you are not that person?
So be ok loving you BOTH. Be honest, and do the loving thing by parting ways with grace.
So you can be free to love how you want to love.
And she can be free to love how she wants to love.
Rather than you each taking up each other's sweetie spot and not really being the right fit person in that role because you both want different things from life/romantic relationships.
Sometimes a graceful parting IS the most loving thing one can do.
I grey the front part out because you say you don't want that. You already solved it then. You don't want any of that grey murky stuff. You know it's not the right thing to do. Allowing her to hurt herself like that.
No. You could end it and share the reason.
Which goes back to my first question. This is your partner. Why are you not able to be emotionally honest with your partner?
Could say something like "I love you. But we are not compatible. I want polyamory. You want monogamy. We don't match in the relationship models we want.
Love alone is not enough to bridge a gap like that. So I have to do the decent thing and end it with you as kindly as possible. So we can each be free to find what we want in romantic partners who are hopefully more compatible. I'm very sad about this not working out."
Say it how you say it, but I encourage you not to wuss out. BE HONEST with her.
If you say you want honest and loving connections with people? Here is opportunity to DO honest and loving behavior with a person. Get on with it.
Yes. If you already know that your partner isn't into that? Or would go along with it just to avoid a break up and hurt themselves that way? You could become ok going there on your own. Without them.
Yes. Because people don't usually need to be convinced to do stuff they really want.
And "better for you" doesn't automatically mean "better for her." If what she prefers is exclusive, monogamous relationships? Doing poly with you won't be "better" for her. You already know that from the grey murky stuff above. She'd go against her own preferences just to avoid a break up and end up hurting herself even more. And if you love her, you cannot allow her to hurt her own self like that.
Do not murk.
Practice that honesty/loving connection you are after with people. Even if it has to start with parting ways with her. Kind but firm.
Galagirl
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Galagirl,
Thanks for the long thoughtful response. I think I wasn’t clear about one thing. My relationship with my partner is very honest and loving. My issue is not being able to have honest and loving relationships with other people I find attractive, because monogamy requires a person to act like they don’t feel romantic feelings towards anyone else. My girlfriend and I have spoken many times about open relationships etc. I’ve been clear that’s what I want and tried to show her why I think it could be good for both of us. She has been receptive and like I said we tried an open relationship from the beginning that ended in her feeling very different about it. I chose to be monogamous with her because I love her. I still don’t know if I would choose to give that up for polyamory, but I am trying to see if maybe there are healthy ways of going about this that could work for both of us that I’m not thinking of.
She is definitely drawn toward traditional monogamy. But isn’t successful polyamory something you have to work toward? I don’t want to force her at all, but part of me thinks she could gain and understanding and maybe come to love polyamory too. But I don’t know when it’s time to end it vs work harder at it. I think you are right about the grief in a way, but it’s not over, I’m just trying to clear up my feelings.
As far as honesty, the only reason I thought to withhold the reason for the breakup is that it would leave open in her mind that all she has to do is change, maybe unhappily, to polyamory to make our relationship work. This is my biggest dilemma. I don’t want her to have to be jealous and unhappy to please me. I guess I would just have to make it a hard breakup no matter if she wanted to change. But that would also be very hard for me.
Thanks for the long thoughtful response. I think I wasn’t clear about one thing. My relationship with my partner is very honest and loving. My issue is not being able to have honest and loving relationships with other people I find attractive, because monogamy requires a person to act like they don’t feel romantic feelings towards anyone else. My girlfriend and I have spoken many times about open relationships etc. I’ve been clear that’s what I want and tried to show her why I think it could be good for both of us. She has been receptive and like I said we tried an open relationship from the beginning that ended in her feeling very different about it. I chose to be monogamous with her because I love her. I still don’t know if I would choose to give that up for polyamory, but I am trying to see if maybe there are healthy ways of going about this that could work for both of us that I’m not thinking of.
She is definitely drawn toward traditional monogamy. But isn’t successful polyamory something you have to work toward? I don’t want to force her at all, but part of me thinks she could gain and understanding and maybe come to love polyamory too. But I don’t know when it’s time to end it vs work harder at it. I think you are right about the grief in a way, but it’s not over, I’m just trying to clear up my feelings.
As far as honesty, the only reason I thought to withhold the reason for the breakup is that it would leave open in her mind that all she has to do is change, maybe unhappily, to polyamory to make our relationship work. This is my biggest dilemma. I don’t want her to have to be jealous and unhappy to please me. I guess I would just have to make it a hard breakup no matter if she wanted to change. But that would also be very hard for me.
Kevin t,
I think you did a good job of laying out my options. I wish I knew if she could eventually enjoy polyamory or if it is just a waste of time and emotional energy.... we also live together and our friends are now strongly intertwined making it much harder to leave behind. Especially since I love her.
I think you did a good job of laying out my options. I wish I knew if she could eventually enjoy polyamory or if it is just a waste of time and emotional energy.... we also live together and our friends are now strongly intertwined making it much harder to leave behind. Especially since I love her.
Thank you for more info.
You choose this at this time.
You don't have to "act" like you don't experience attraction. You can notice someone is cute and whatever.
But no. If you are practicing monogamy? You cannot try to pursue and date them and form loving relationships with them. You pay the price of admission to monogamy.
Only you can decide if you want to keep on doing that or not.
To me the odds of successful poly improve when the people involved really want to be there joyfully, and have the relationship skills, time management skills, communication skills, and so on. They are both willing and able.
Is she joyfully willing and able? Doesn't sound like it.
That is HER work to do if she wishes to change her understanding or opinion. It is not something you can do FOR her.
And she can do the work and arrive at the understanding that poly is fine for some people. And STILL not something she's into.
You seem pretty clear about your feelings.
You've been doing monogamy for a while to stay with her. But you wish you could be doing poly.
It's the flip side of the coin to her doing poly to stay with you but wishing she could be doing monogamy.
That sucks for both either way the coin gets tossed.
End ending it IS one way of "working harder" at it. Because it sure doesn't sound like thinking about ending it is easy for you. And coming to realize that love is not enough is a hard lesson for people sometimes.
You do have my sympathy. I'm not trying to mean to you.
If she wants to hurt herself like that? You are able to say "No. I don't want to be together like that. That does not please me."
She doesn't have to be (sad) + (jealous and unhappy participating in poly) because she is doing it when she really doesn't want to and you go along with it.
You can say "No" if she offers to bend herself into pretzels just to avoid a break up. You could NOT go along with that. Because it does NOT please you.
Then she can just be plain (sad) after a break up. Sad is reasonable to feel after a break up. And then in time people heal and feel better.
Not all choices in life are "win or lose." Some of then of "This choice stinks. That choice stinks. Which one stinks the LEAST then?"
No break up is FUN. And this already sounds hard for you.
If you want to be free to explore poly, and are currently in a monogamous thing? And your partner isn't into poly?
You pay the price of admission. You part ways clean and respectfully.
Then you are free TO pursue poly stuff you want. And she is free FROM poly stuff she doesn't want.
OR... you give up the want to poly, and stick with what you have. And ask if she's willing to meet in the middle so you aren't walking around clogged up.
But if she's not willing to do that? Or is willing but it isn't enough for you? You actively want to be dating other people? Then you have to face it head on. That this relationship is not deeply compatible even if you wish it was. Because you both want very different and mutually exclusive things.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Figure out how you want to be spending your life. Don't rush your decision, but don't drag it out forever either. If you have to linger somewhere, linger in the healing space. Not in the breaking up space.
Galagirl
You choose this at this time.
You don't have to "act" like you don't experience attraction. You can notice someone is cute and whatever.
But no. If you are practicing monogamy? You cannot try to pursue and date them and form loving relationships with them. You pay the price of admission to monogamy.
Only you can decide if you want to keep on doing that or not.
To me the odds of successful poly improve when the people involved really want to be there joyfully, and have the relationship skills, time management skills, communication skills, and so on. They are both willing and able.
Is she joyfully willing and able? Doesn't sound like it.
That is HER work to do if she wishes to change her understanding or opinion. It is not something you can do FOR her.
And she can do the work and arrive at the understanding that poly is fine for some people. And STILL not something she's into.
You seem pretty clear about your feelings.
You've been doing monogamy for a while to stay with her. But you wish you could be doing poly.
It's the flip side of the coin to her doing poly to stay with you but wishing she could be doing monogamy.
That sucks for both either way the coin gets tossed.
End ending it IS one way of "working harder" at it. Because it sure doesn't sound like thinking about ending it is easy for you. And coming to realize that love is not enough is a hard lesson for people sometimes.
You do have my sympathy. I'm not trying to mean to you.
If she wants to hurt herself like that? You are able to say "No. I don't want to be together like that. That does not please me."
She doesn't have to be (sad) + (jealous and unhappy participating in poly) because she is doing it when she really doesn't want to and you go along with it.
You can say "No" if she offers to bend herself into pretzels just to avoid a break up. You could NOT go along with that. Because it does NOT please you.
Then she can just be plain (sad) after a break up. Sad is reasonable to feel after a break up. And then in time people heal and feel better.
Not all choices in life are "win or lose." Some of then of "This choice stinks. That choice stinks. Which one stinks the LEAST then?"
No break up is FUN. And this already sounds hard for you.
If you want to be free to explore poly, and are currently in a monogamous thing? And your partner isn't into poly?
You pay the price of admission. You part ways clean and respectfully.
Then you are free TO pursue poly stuff you want. And she is free FROM poly stuff she doesn't want.
OR... you give up the want to poly, and stick with what you have. And ask if she's willing to meet in the middle so you aren't walking around clogged up.
- You will not see other people. So it is Closed enough for her.
- She will become more Open to hearing about your poly thoughts and feelings. So you aren't bottled up.
But if she's not willing to do that? Or is willing but it isn't enough for you? You actively want to be dating other people? Then you have to face it head on. That this relationship is not deeply compatible even if you wish it was. Because you both want very different and mutually exclusive things.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Figure out how you want to be spending your life. Don't rush your decision, but don't drag it out forever either. If you have to linger somewhere, linger in the healing space. Not in the breaking up space.
Galagirl
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It can take a year or two for a person coming from a mono mindset to learn enough about polyamory to be willing to give it a try. Reading, discussion, reassurances. Journaling. Sometimes therapy, even an antidepressant medication if the reaction is severe. Sometimes they feel extremely pressured and "lesser than" and fear loss, which is translated into jealousy. Sometimes this can cause depression and extreme anxiety. Even after a year or two of work, there is no guarantee they will really be into it.
I'm not saying it never happens that people come around and learn to embrace polyamory. Sometimes they do! There is evidence for that with some of our members. Some may finally agree to a poly/mono mindset for a while, then actually change their mind and fully embrace polyamory for themselves as well.
I'm not saying it never happens that people come around and learn to embrace polyamory. Sometimes they do! There is evidence for that with some of our members. Some may finally agree to a poly/mono mindset for a while, then actually change their mind and fully embrace polyamory for themselves as well.