Transitioning a relationship to Poly

June1234

New member
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We were each others first. We opened up our relationship looking for friends with benifits relationships. We have had a few experiences with other couples and singles and really enjoyed them. We started a friends with benifits relationship with one of his female friends. We both care for her and want to oficially have her as our girlfriend which she wants as well. We all get along really well and the sex is great. She has been staying with us multiple nights a week. For the most part everything is good except lately I have been feeling very jealous of their relationship. They were friends first and have a stronger connection than her and I do. I am starting to feel territorial and jealous. For example I ran to the store and she took a nap by herself in our bed. When I got home I felt like she had claimed our room as her own. Another example is they were in the other room laughing and I have felt excluded and like he would rather spend the time and have fun with her. This stuff doesn't always bother me but when it does it feels like a huge deal and over takes all my happy feelings and is happening more and more. My husband and I talk openly and he knows about how I am feeling and he really tries to support me. I really want this but am having a hard time going from just the 2 of us and having all his attention to adding a 3rd and sharing his attention. I guess I am just looking to see if anyone has been in the same situation as me and may be able to offer advise.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
You could stop seeing her as a third in your relationship and start seeing her as a partner to each of you individually.

People with more eloquence and ways with formatting that I've never mastered will be along soon to elaborate on this idea, I'm sure.

But if her napping in your bedroom bothers you, have a room be her bedroom.

As for them laughing over something together, this is part of the deal. It will take a little time for you to adjust, and probably for your husband to adjust when he notices you and her having moments together that don't directly involve him, but it is precisely this that you're signing up for. Check yourself when you feel these things so you don't buy into those thoughts as jealousy. Remind yourself that poly is not competitive. Foster your relationship with each of them separately, after all, this is a developing triad relationship, a triangle, not a T.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Joa1234,
Here are some links to help you with the jealousy:
To summarize, I think your main difficulty is knowing they were friends first, and that they have a stronger connection than do she and you. One thing you could do is spend more time with her, develop more of a relationship with her. The idea being, maybe then she would seem like less of a threat. Do fun things together, like a girl's night out, shopping, etc.

Definitely if you can spare a room, to be her bedroom when she is staying over with you, do that and then hopefully she won't be taking over your bed. These are just a few thoughts, I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

June1234

New member
Thank you so much for your responses. Looking at the links it all seems like most of my problems are with jealousy. It dosnt help that going into this I already had anxiety and it makes small things spiral out of control in my brain.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
We both care for her and want to oficially have her as our girlfriend which she wants as well. We all get along really well and the sex is great.

Sounds like you all want to be here. Changing relationship models is going to come with some growing pains and transition time. The old normal is gone. The new normal isn't quite here yet.

I guess you could try taking it one thing at a time.

To me "jealous" if when you have something and you are afraid someone will come take it away. "Envy" is when someone else has something that you want for yourself.

I have been feeling very jealous of their relationship. They were friends first and have a stronger connection than her and I do.

This sounds like you envy them. You wish you had that close connection for yourself already.

That one is to be expected. They were friends before you and her were friends. You may have to accept connection with you will progress over time, and it isn't a contest or competition with your husband.

I am starting to feel territorial and jealous. For example I ran to the store and she took a nap by herself in our bed. When I got home I felt like she had claimed our room as her own.

That is personal boundaries needing to be articulated to me. Maybe she thinks since she's a GF now, she can take a nap on the bed. Esp if you all shared sex in it.

Or maybe spouse said it was ok with him assuming it was ok with you.

Maybe you think even though she's a GF now, you prefer that she nap on the couch instead. And maybe you prefer that spouse not give blanket consent and people actually ask you instead. (If he did that. He may not have.)

So talk that out with all three present.

You all may want to read poly hell and talk about how to combat it if it pops up.


Another example is they were in the other room laughing and I have felt excluded and like he would rather spend the time and have fun with her.

Could challenge the thought that pops up. WERE you being excluded? And was that the order it happened? To me feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior. Did it go like this?

  • Stimulus : You hear them laughing.
  • Thinking Action: You think he rather spend the time and have fun with her than you.
  • Resulting Feeling: You feel excluded as a result of thinking that.

Was it just their turn to have some alone time together? Just like you and her would have alone time together? And you and him would have time alone together?

If not an in house date with just them and more like them just hanging out, could you have walked in and said "I heard laughing and wanted to join if that's ok. What's funny?" rather than holding yourself apart?

I really want this but am having a hard time going from just the 2 of us and having all his attention to adding a 3rd and sharing his attention.

To me you are NOT "adding a third." What you and husband did was "break up. " No more old model. And even if wanted, so you can do this new triad model with these three people present? You may experience a period of grief over the old model ending.

Things HAVE changed. You may have enjoyed a long time of having all his romantic attention and time. Now you share it.

It dosnt help that going into this I already had anxiety and it makes small things spiral out of control in my brain.

What are you doing about anxiety management?

She has been staying with us multiple nights a week.

And maybe that is TOO many times a week. When is you + husband time? Or just resting time? I get being excited and wanting to spend all this time together with the new triad but there's also such thing as pacing yourselves and not overdoing it. Esp if it starts to feel like she's over here a lot and you aren't getting the down time away from stimulus enough so your anxiety brain can catch a break.

(I have anxiety -- that how I view it. Even if GOOD stress, or FUN stuff? Stimulus is stimulus. It's not letting me have down time. )

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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