Transitioning to Poly: Real Talk on Emotional Insecurities & How It Works

[JJ808]

Hi again everyone

Edited by mod: first thread for reference: https://polyamory.com/threads/exploring-poly-feelings-in-a-committed-relationship.158672/

After reflecting more on the incredibly thoughtful responses I’ve gotten (thank you again!), I wanted to share something that’s been sitting heavy lately and feels like one of the bigger hurdles in all of this:

Mindset, insecurities, and how this would actually work — emotionally and practically.

We’re still monogamous, but I’ve been doing a lot of reflection, research, and reading — and while I feel more open and curious about exploring polyamory, I can tell my partner is still very much processing. I think he assumed that once we “closed” this topic before dating, that was the end of it. But it turns out, I didn’t stop feeling or thinking about it — I just buried it for a while.

Some of the emotional hurdles that have come up (from both of us):

• He’s shared that he thinks I would find someone much quicker and easier than he ever could.
• He worries that no one else would want him, or be able to handle him — emotionally or otherwise.
• He has insecurities around his body, past experiences, and how much he shuts down emotionally sometimes.
• He also struggles with imagining any version of this where we aren’t together all the time, because that’s what we’re used to now — living together, spending our nights watching movies, gaming, etc.

And I totally get that. I’ve tried to reassure him that if anything ever happened, I wouldn’t disappear emotionally, and that I still see him as the most important person in my life. I think he just fears change will mean rejection or being left behind.

On my side, I’ve tried to be mindful of time and energy. I’m not looking for “permission to run wild” — I’m trying to understand what could work for both of us if this path ever became real. I’ve read The Ethical Slut and a bunch of articles. He’s watched a few things with me, but I’ve definitely taken in more than he has. I’m doing my best not to overwhelm him or turn this into homework — but I am trying to keep it a living conversation.

We’ve also had moments where it’s gotten tough — like when I brought up poly again recently, he asked if I was already flirting with someone. I wasn’t. That moment reminded me how hard it is to separate curiosity and openness from intention or action. I’m not trying to rush into anything. Just trying to be real and not bottle this up.

We once talked about doing a throuple, but it didn’t work out — and that experience helped us both realize that if anything did happen in the future, dating separately would likely be healthier.


So I’m wondering — especially for folks who transitioned from mono to poly:

• How did you work through early fears, shutdowns, or insecurity — together?
• Did anyone else have a partner who felt “unlovable” or like they’d be left behind?
• What helped build emotional safety and trust while navigating different speeds or comfort zones?
• What did it look like when you started — practically? Boundaries? Time together vs apart? Sleepovers, texting, etc.?
• How do you protect against one person feeling “less chosen,” especially early on when it’s uncertain?
• For those who tried a triad/throuple and later moved to separate dating — how did you come to that realization?

I really appreciate all the insight and shared experiences people have given here.

This is all still tender and uncertain, but I want to explore conversation before anything else. Even if we choose something different in the end, I want it to come from a place of understanding.

Thanks again,
— JJ

 

[Magdlyn]

I wanted to share something that feels like one of the bigger hurdles in all of this: Mindset, insecurities, and how this would actually work — emotionally and practically.

We’re still monogamous, but I’ve been doing a lot of reflection, research, and reading — and while I feel more open and curious about exploring polyamory, I can tell my partner is still very much processing. I think he assumed that once we “closed” this topic before dating, that was the end of it. But it turns out, I didn’t stop feeling or thinking about it. I just buried it for a while.

Without going and reading anything else you've posted, it sounds like you feel polyamory is right for you, but your partner prefers monogamy. He likes one-on-one for a relationship. You are trying to convince him to try it your way.

This could be hard-- not impossible, but hard. Mono brainwashing goes deep. And some/many people don't have the bandwidth for multiple love relationships, anyway.

Some of the emotional hurdles:

• He’s shared that he thinks I would find someone much quicker and easier than he ever could.

Women do have an easier time finding casual sex than men, but it's just as hard to find a deep, committed polyAMOROUS relationship for women as it is for men.

(And it's even harder for people of other genders, of course. Transwomen, especially, take a lot of abuse in trying to find any kind of romantic relationship, much less more than one)

• He worries that no one else would want him, or be able to handle him — emotionally or otherwise.

He feels like he's "too much"? In what way? Are you the only person that can stand him (historically), romantically or friendship-wise? Why is he so "unhandleable"?

• He has insecurities around his body,

We all have this. Maybe he is handicapped in some way, in wheelchair, missing a leg, or let's say, he's a dwarf, has a giant birthmark, or whatever, a physical anomaly?

Or is he just out of shape?

• past experiences, and how much he shuts down emotionally sometimes.

Men often shut down. This can be worked on in therapy. Do you enjoy when he shuts down? Has he made any progress with this in the time you've been together?

• He also struggles with imagining any version of this where we aren’t together all the time, because that’s what we’re used to now — living together, spending our nights watching movies, gaming, etc.

Well, that's where "disentangling" comes in. Mono couples often do this, to their detriment-- become a world of two, with no unshared hobbies, no individual friends just for them, no vacations taken alone or with others, always visiting family together, etc. This can be changed. You can start to at least foster individual friends and hobbies, and healthy time apart. Read this short article about disentangling:

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

I’ve tried to reassure him that if anything ever happened, I wouldn’t disappear emotionally, and that I still see him as the most important person in my life.

There's a good possibility that if you open up, you will meet another person who will become just as important to you as he is. You can promise to not disappear emotionally, but if you do pour yourself into another, your husband will need a LOT of reassurance of his continued importance, with dates (TV time, games or actually going out), cuddles, words of affirmation, sex, shared meals, gifts, etc., etc. You will need to not spend too much time with your other dating partners, either physically on dates or overnights, or on your phone texting or video chatting.

I think he just fears change will mean rejection or being left behind.

All relationships require a leap of faith that we won't be rejected. You can always fall out of love, poly or not. He is afraid of being compared and being found wanting.

Lucky for me, I think I am fantastic and well worth hanging on to (and my current partners agree haha). However, when my ex-husband (of 20 years) and I first tried poly, he immediately found another woman who suited him better, and he turned out to be so mono, he fell out of love with me and committed himself to her. (I will add that my cooking and sexual skills were much much better than hers, and she didn't do his laundry either, and we were equally pretty, but he still chose her.) To tell why in detail would be beyond the scope of this thread, but suffice to say, spiritually they were more suited, and their neuroses matched better. I had grown enormously in our 20 years together, and didn't enjoy his possessiveness and lack of self esteem. I'd stopped thinking of his jealousy as a sign of his love, and saw it as a weakness. (She didn't seem to mind these qualities as much, although she did mind them somewhat... she told me she did lol.) She was much more introverted and mono and less gregarious than me, so he didn't have to feel jealous as much with her.

I’ve tried to be mindful of time and energy. I’m not looking for “permission to run wild” — I’m trying to understand what could work for both of us if this path ever became real. I’ve read The Ethical Slut and a bunch of articles. He’s watched a few things with me, but I’ve definitely taken in more than he has. I’m doing my best not to overwhelm him or turn this into homework — but I am trying to keep it a living conversation.

Okay, but there will come a point where he either gets on board, or he foot-drags forever, or he just bails. Right?

We’ve also had moments where it’s gotten tough — like when I brought up poly again recently, he asked if I was already flirting with someone. I wasn’t. That moment reminded me how hard it is to separate curiosity and openness from intention or action. I’m not trying to rush into anything. Just trying to be real and not bottle this up.

We once talked about doing a throuple, but it didn’t work out — and that experience helped us both realize that if anything did happen in the future, dating separately would likely be healthier.

Good choice! Triads are the hardest way to do polyamory!

How did you work through early fears, shutdowns, or insecurity — together?

We didn't. We ultimately broke up. Polyamory wasn't the only disconnect, but it was a biggie. (I am polyamorous, he is not.)

Did anyone else have a partner who felt “unlovable” or like they’d be left behind?

My ex-h had bad self-esteem, always. Long before we formally tried to open, he felt afraid that every man I talked to was probably better than him, and that I'd prefer them to him. He was terribly possessive and jealous, and tried to control me. (He didn't mind that I was bisexual. Me loving women didn't count as a threat to him-- typical misogyny.)

What helped build emotional safety and trust while navigating different speeds or comfort zones?

I was originally only vaguely interested in a threesome with another woman. I enjoyed the fantasies we shared, but he had to convince me to try and do it for real. When his new gf turned out to be straight, at the time, and ended the idea of threesome sex or a triad, I had no time for or interest in really pursuing other people to date. It was really just his idea to make our threesome fantasies into reality. I was a busy mother of three school children close in age, and they completely took up all my emotional energy. We gave up on polyamory.

What did it look like when you started, practically? Boundaries? Time together vs apart? Sleepovers, texting, etc.?

My ex's gf lived a 6-hour drive away, northern MA to Montreal. He wanted to spend a long weekend every month with her, and hours every night on the phone. At that time, long distance phone calls could be very expensive, and our children were young, and him taking so much time away from them, and money from the family, was very hurtful to them and me. I eventually told him he couldn't date her anymore, and had to limit his communication to email. This continued for years until we broke up. He saw her once a year or so at mutual friends' events, weddings and the like.

How do you protect against one person feeling “less chosen,” especially early on, when it’s uncertain?

See above about reassurance, dating, touch, limiting texting your others, etc. Sleepovers seem to be an issue with a lot of established couples, and people's decisions about them vary, especially if you have younger kids.

For those who tried a triad, and later moved to separate dating, how did you come to that realization?

Do a search here on triads; there are uncountable threads here on this issue. Short answer (imo): triads suck. Vees are much better. So don't even bother with a triad.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi JJ808,

Polyamory does have NRE, and maybe that's what your partner is worried about. In NRE, we get super excited about our new partner/s, and sometimes we forget to maintain our relationship with our original partner. This is something that would be hard for your partner to take, but he has to accept it as a very real possibility if you try open/poly. He will have to remind you that he is still there, and that he still needs your attention/affection. If he's been neglected in past relationships, he may have a lot to unpack.

I hope the two of you are able to work this out.
Kevin T.

 

[JJ808]

Without going and reading anything else you've posted, it sounds like you feel polyamory is right for you, but your partner prefers monogamy. He likes one-on-one for a relationship. You are trying to convince him to try it your way.

This could be hard-- not impossible, but hard. Mono brainwashing goes deep. And some/many people don't have the bandwidth for multiple love relationships, anyway.

Women do have an easier time finding casual sex than men, but it's just as hard to find a deep, committed polyAMOROUS relationship for women as it is for men.

(And it's even harder for people of other genders, of course. Transwomen, especially, take a lot of abuse in trying to find any kind of romantic relationship, much less more than one)

He feels like he's "too much"? In what way? Are you the only person that can stand him (historically), romantically or friendship-wise? Why is he so "unhandleable"?

Maybe he is handicapped in some way, in wheelchair, missing a leg, or let's say, a dwarf, has a giant birthmark, or whatever, a physical anomaly?

Or is he just out of shape?

Men often shut down. This can be worked on in therapy. Do you enjoy when he shuts down? Has he made any progress with this in the time you've been together?

Well, that's where "disentangling" comes in. Mono couples often do this, to their detriment-- become a world of two, with no unshared hobbies, no individual friends just for them, no vacations taken alone or with others, always visiting family together, etc. This can be changed. You can start to at least foster individual friends and hobbies, and healthy time apart. Read this short article about disentangling:

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

There's a good possibility that if you open up, you will meet another person who will become just as important to you as he is. You can promise to not disappear emotionally, but if you do pour yourself into another, your husband will need a LOT of reassurance of his continued importance, with dates (TV time, games or actually going out), cuddles, words of affirmation, sex, shared meals, gifts, etc., etc. You will need to not spend too much time with your other dating partners, either physically on dates or overnights, or on your phone texting or video chatting.

All relationships require a leap of faith that we won't be rejected. You can always fall out of love, poly or not. He is afraid of being compared and being found wanting.

Lucky for me, I think I am fantastic and well worth hanging on to (and my current partners agree haha). However, when my ex-husband (of 20 years) and I first tried poly, he immediately found another woman who suited him better, and he turned out to be so mono, he fell out of love with me and committed himself to her. (I will add that my cooking and sexual skills were much much better than hers, and she didn't do his laundry either, and we were equally pretty, but he still chose her.) To tell why in detail would be beyond the scope of this thread, but suffice to say, spiritually they were more suited, and their neuroses matched better. I had grown enormously in our 20 years together, and didn't enjoy his possessiveness and lack of self esteem. I'd stopped thinking of his jealousy as a sign of his love, and saw it as a weakness. (She didn't seem to mind these qualities as much, although she did mind them somewhat... she told me she did lol.) She was much more introverted and mono and less gregarious than me, so he didn't have to feel jealous as much with her.

Okay, but there will come a point where he either gets on board, or he foot-drags forever, or he just bails. Right?

Good choice! Triads are the hardest way to do polyamory!

We didn't. We ultimately broke up. Polyamory wasn't the only disconnect, but it was a biggie. (I am polyamorous, he is not.)

My ex-h had bad self-esteem, always. Long before we formally tried to open, he felt afraid that every man I talked to was probably better than him, and that I'd prefer them to him. He was terribly possessive and jealous, and tried to control me. (He didn't mind that I was bisexual. Me loving women didn't count as a threat to him-- typical misogyny.)

I was originally only vaguely interested in a threesome with another woman. I enjoyed the fantasies we shared, but he had to convince me to try and do it for real. When his new gf turned out to be straight, at the time, and ended the idea of threesome sex or a triad, I had no time for or interest in really pursuing other people to date. It was really just his idea to make our threesome fantasies into reality. I was a busy mother of three school children close in age, and they really took up all my emotional energy. We gave up on polyamory.

My ex's gf lived a 6-hour drive away, northern MA to Montreal. He wanted to spend a long weekend every month with her, and hours every night on the phone. At that time, long distance phone calls could be very expensive, and our children were young, and him taking so much time away from them, and money from the family, was very hurtful to them and me. I eventually told him he couldn't date her anymore, and had to limit his communication to email. This continued for years until we broke up. He saw her once a year or so at mutual friends' events, weddings and the like.

See above about reassurance, dating, touch, limiting texting your others, etc. Sleepovers seem to be an issue with a lot of established couples, and people's decisions about them vary, especially if you have younger kids.

Do a search here on triads; there are uncountable threads here on this issue. Short answer (imo): triads suck. Vees are much better. So don't even bother with a triad.

I read the article on disentanglement in relationships and it hit me harder than I expected.

Basically, even if you do all the “prep” before opening up (boundaries, convos, rules, books), it can still fall apart if you haven’t unraveled the codependency that builds up in monogamy.

It reframed a lot for me — not just about dating, but about how we exist as individuals inside a relationship. If your whole emotional safety net is your partner, no wonder opening up feels terrifying.

Still processing, but it’s helping me zoom out a bit and look at what needs gentle untangling before I try to keep moving forward.

 

[JJ808]

Polyamory does have NRE, and maybe that's what your partner is worried about. In NRE, we get super excited about our new partner/s, and sometimes we forget to maintain our relationship with our original partner. This is something that would be hard for your partner to take, but he has to accept it as a very real possibility if you try open/poly. He will have to remind you that he is still there, and that he still needs your attention/affection. If he's been neglected in past relationships, he may have a lot to unpack.

I hope the two of you are able to work this out.

Found out my partner actually has tried poly before — he was the one who brought it up in a past relationship. But it ended really badly. She basically ghosted him in real life — just left and moved away without saying anything.

Now it makes more sense why he’s scared or guarded about this stuff. It’s not that he’s totally against it, it’s that it hurt last time.

- JJ

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm glad the disentanglement article enlightened you somewhat, and gave you food for thought.

I know this isn't your main concern right now, but I happened across this thread that delves into some of the issues with triads, and how they often cause more problems than they prevent or solve, and usually turn into Vs when the "unicorn" prefers one partner to another, or one member of the established couple is more into the "unicorn" than the other partner is.

(I haven't read the whole thread, but it's got a lot of helpful info even on the first page of posts.)

https://polyamory.com/threads/changing-feelings.20418/

 

[dingedheart]

He likes one-on-one for a relationship. You are trying to convince him to try it your way.

This could be hard-- not impossible, but hard. Mono brainwashing goes deep. And some/many people don't have the bandwidth for multiple love relationships, anyway.

I think you do a disservice to the forum and the poly community with this elitist, enlightened attitude. Slut shaming is bad, but it’s okay to shame someone for the dating/mating preferences, that being one-on-one. Holy fuck, what a rube. What a hick!! Poor slob doesn’t have the bandwidth. He’s so emotionally immature. Let’s blop him in the corner with some poly books and podcast on how to rationalize and compartmentalize his thoughts and feelings. Hopefully he can be as enlightened as us, whose life and romantic life is run by google calendar and electronic devices.

Note to those trying to “convince“ a mono spouse or partner to open their relationship: being condescending and insulting might not actually be the best tactic.

Women do have an easier time finding casual sex than men, but it's just as hard to find a deep, committed polyAMOROUS relationship for women as it is for men.

Well, that’s going to be comforting for some brainwashed mono. The door is going to be wide open for lots of guys to test drive until you find Mr Right. I’m not sure how someone with a limited bandwidth is going to process that.