Trapped in An Open Box

[PolyLove2020]

Im currently in a MFF triad. There names will be Gemini and Virgo. Me and Virgo (M 29) have been together for 9 years. Ups and Downs and many tears. But I wouldn't trade Virgo for nothing in the world. Me and Virgo share a love so strong, deep and intense , its scary sometimes. Now Gemini ( F 25) is my first same sex relationship. Our love is new , scary and quite confusing to me at times. She makes me feel things Ive never felt before. She's helped me understand tings about myself that for years I had no understanding of. Gemini came into my life at a time when my mental health was a a serious verge being ruined. But through it all My Gemini loved me and was patient.


Over the last year or so , our relationship has felt forced. Things feel so routine sometimes. This poly life is a first for me and Virgo, and also the first FF relationship for me. I forgot to mention aswell that Virgo and Gemini are best friends and have been since childhood.

Me and Virgo are not married. We've been engaged but its a long story. We do plan on getting married soon. I find myself sometimes feeling angry and trapped sometimes. I feel TRAPPED IN AN OPEN BOX. I say that because , even though I love them very very much (Triad 2 years) I know this relationship can be very toxic. I feel as though I dont want to live without them. Ive became very comfortable with them and dont want to be alone. It scares me. I also have a step son that I love with all my heart and couldnt possibly imagine not being in his life.

Im so torn sometimes. My heart is pulling me in one direction...... but my common sense is telling me it will not work out in the long run. I guess Im just looking for some advice really. Im so confused with my feelings and have noone to express them to.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello PolyLove2020,

You say your common sense is telling you it will not work out in the long run. Can I ask, why is it telling you that? What is toxic about this (triad) relationship? What are some of the things that make you feel angry and trapped? Is there some kind of behavior that Gemini does that triggers you, or sets you off? Is Virgo a part of the problem? These are some of the questions you should be asking yourself, and if you could share your answers on this thread, it would help me to know what advice to give you. Based on what I know so far, I would say you should give this some time, don't terminate the triad relationship immediately, give yourself time to see if it will work out. On the other hand, if you are suffering much more than you are enjoying things, that's a sign that you should bow out. Are you suffering much more than you are enjoying things? That's another important question.

There seems to be a lot more in your story besides what you've posted so far; I hope you won't mind sharing some more details.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[PolyLove2020]

Hey Kevin , thanks for giving me some advice. I feel as though the relationship is going nowhere because our bad days outweigh the the good ones. Everything can be going so smooth, then bam , back to feeling like a roommates instead of a triad. I'm honestly just tired of the confusion. Me and Virgo are not as close as we used to be, and I hate it.

Gemini does alot of things that triggers my anger. I'm not the type of person that tries to change how a person is. I try to deal with it and let Gemini know
when she is starting to press the wrong buttons. But nothing changes.

As far as Virgo, I believe he is part of the problem to a certain extent. He tries to stay neutral in alot things.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I mean this kindly, ok?

I find myself sometimes feeling angry and trapped sometimes. I feel TRAPPED IN AN OPEN BOX. I say that because , even though I love them very very much (Triad 2 years) I know this relationship can be very toxic.

Then why do you choose to keep ON participating in a toxic thing that makes you feel angry and trapped?

I feel as though I dont want to live without them. Ive became very comfortable with them and dont want to be alone. It scares me. I also have a step son that I love with all my heart and couldnt possibly imagine not being in his life.

That is normal to feel when contemplating a big life change.

Not really happy here. At the same not yet able to imagine a new life. And at the same time, knowing that if you leave, there will be things that will change and things you will have to grieve.

It sounds like you might be dealing with anticipatory grief.

Im so torn sometimes. My heart is pulling me in one direction...... but my common sense is telling me it will not work out in the long run.

Sometimes one needs to LEAVE in body before the healing of the heart, mind, and spirit can happen. Then be sad for a while. And start to heal.

Like when water at a rolling boil in a pot is taken off the burner? It's still going to bubble for a bit even though taken off the heat. It still takes some times to cool down and be ok. But it's NEVER gonna do that if left on the burner.

I think if people are going to linger, better to linger in the healing place than in the dragging out a break up place, keeping themselves on the burner.

No break up is FUN, and in pandemic disbanding a living situation can be tough.

But break ups being "unfun" is not a reason to STAY in something toxic, is it?

I guess Im just looking for some advice really. Im so confused with my feelings and have noone to express them to.

I hope airing out here helped you feel a little better. It's not easy to do a break up with one. And you are contemplating a "double" break up with your triad.

It's ok to be in anticipatory grief and trying to come to terms before pulling the trigger.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

In case you aren't aware, doing a triad is the number one hardest configuration of poly to succeed at. It's really 3 Vs stacked up.

You and Virgo
You and Gemini
Virgo and Gemini

Then there's the 3some relationship too. Sometimes one of you is going to feel like a third wheel, like three's a crowd.

You can love people but find it hard to live together. Sometimes relationships work better when you don't try to be roommates, in each other's faces all the time.

Gemini and Virgo are longtime friends? Are they also lovers, sexually involved?

Maybe there doesn't need to be an actual breakup of all 3 of you. You can break up with one or the other and still continue with one. Anyone is allowed to do whatever. If you don't want Gemini to live with you and Virgo anymore, even though you care about her, you can say so. Or, conversely, if you want to move out, forget the engagement, and stay friends with both, or lovers with both, or lovers with one, you can do that too.

Staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone isn't healthy.

You just need to weigh all your options. Some relationships aren't meant to last a lifetime. That doesn't mean you've failed. It just is what it is. You learned from it, you gained from it, you grew from it. That's a win.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PolyLove,

One thing you could do is give it a year, then if things haven't improved by then, then you will break up. Actually mark on the calendar when it will be your last day. This way your suffering has an endpoint, and you know when it is going to happen. Or you could plan to break up with Gemini after six months, then break up with Virgo after twelve months, if things haven't improved by then. You can set your own timetable of course, it doesn't have to be a year. Just make an estimate of how much more of it you can endure, how long you'd be willing to wait for things to improve. Then, mark it on your calendar. Your improve-or-breakup date/s. Inform Virgo and Gemini that this is what you're going to do, thus giving them fair notice that this is how much time they have to get their act together. And don't just wait a year, have regular discussions about how things are going, how you feel, what your needs are, and whether things are improving like you need them to be.

That's just one possible approach. I thought I'd mention it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.