Triad thoughts

[tealheron11]

Hi Poly friends,
It has been SOO long since I have visited over here. I think my last threads were almost a year ago, I was struggling with missing my partner/BF who had moved to the east coast, while simultaneously feeling "left out" and upset at my husband and his GF in California (I had moved to another state for a job). A Lot has changed in the past 9 months. I ended up moving across the country for a job to be closer to BF, husband and I are doing great in terms of maintaining a long-term relationship, and his GF (my meta) and I are a lot better friends, in fact, we lean on each other for support a lot. Things have been bumpy with BF in terms of our relationship evolving - tried monogamy, talked about me getting divorced, "broke up", "renegotiated our relationship." Too much to explain, but things are in a much better place. I believe we are doing what we had been doing all along - in an open relationship with an understanding we'll always be in each other's lives, no matter the connection, and not putting ourselves in a specific category or box. He doesn't necessarily identify as poly, but I think he is actually moving toward it...The idea that even though we can date other people but still be in each other's lives the same way is very comforting and relieving to me, and has reassured me a lot. I always feared being replaced and kind of felt that way with my husband's GF. The fact that I feel so happy with the recent change of status is evidence to me that I am actually quite happy being poly. It also means I do not have to change anything about my connection with my husband which is another bonus, because I like being married to him and love his family. I was afraid if we divorced, I might lose them!

We have always talked about how we'd like to have a threesome with another woman together as a fantasy type thing. This conversation involved into talking about wanting in with a specific person ( a friend of hers) and this conversation further evolved into talking about actually dating someone together (!!!!). I found this so exciting because I've actually always wanted this, but didn't know how it would happen and also felt slight shame because I didn't want to be categorized as "a unicorn hunter." I have hated it when I've felt "preyed on" by couples who fetishize this, and who didn't seem to respect me. This is such a tricky area because there are so many stigmas out there about "unicorn hunting" and so many people feel grossed out by it. I did have a friend who was in a positive triad situation for some time and really enjoyed it and found it fulfilling. I don't really have any other poly friends who are currently in this kind of relationship. I don't want to go out there and force this, and I know it isn't the type of thing one can force anyway. I have changed my info on my dating sites (I'm literally on all of them) to express this and also honestly explain what I am looking for without pressure. I would be just as happy meeting someone who would like to spend time with just me, or a new friend.

What are your thoughts about 1) looking to develop a triad? 2) what are the right and wrong reasons for doing this - how do you know you are emotionally prepared? 3) How to bring this up with new potential partners when getting to know them? (I am upfront about this of course, but conversations eventually evolve). I have a few women I am chatting with, one of which used to be in a triad and seems open about it, however I am going super slow and mostly am looking to build friendships first. I am just scared to be looked at like a unicorn hunter, and would never want to make anyone feel like they are being chased or preyed on for a fetish!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Poly friends,

It has been SOO long since I have visited over here.

Welcome back!

I think my last threads were almost a year ago. I was struggling with missing my partner/BF who had moved to the east coast, while simultaneously feeling "left out" and upset at my husband and his GF in California (I had moved to another state for a job).

A lot has changed in the past 9 months. I ended up moving cross country for a job to be closer to BF. My husband and I are doing great in terms of maintaining a long-term relationship. And his GF (my meta) and I are a lot better friends, in fact, we lean on each other for support a lot.

Things have been bumpy with BF in terms of our relationship evolving-- we tried monogamy, talked about me getting divorced, we "broke up," then "renegotiated our relationship." Too much to explain, but things are in a much better place.

I believe we are doing what we had been doing all along-- in an open relationship with an understanding we'll always be in each other's lives, no matter the connection, and not putting ourselves in a specific category or box.

BF doesn't necessarily identify as poly, but I think he is actually moving toward it... The idea that even though we can date other people but still be in each other's lives in the same way is very comforting and relieving to me, and has reassured me a lot. I always fear being replaced, and kind of felt that way with my husband's GF.

The fact that I feel so happy with the recent change of status is evidence to me that I am actually quite happy being poly. It also means I do not have to change anything about my connection with my husband, which is another bonus, because I like being married to him and love his family. I was afraid if we divorced, I might lose them!

This all sounds great. Good work.

Next topic: BF and I have always talked about how we'd like to have a threesome with another woman together, as a fantasy type thing. This conversation evolved into talking about wanting it with a specific person (a friend of mine (?)) and this conversation further evolved into talking about actually dating someone together (!!!!).

I found this so exciting because I've actually always wanted this, but didn't know how it would happen, and also felt slight shame because I didn't want to be categorized as "a unicorn hunter." I have hated it when I've felt "preyed upon" by couples who fetishize this, and who didn't seem to respect me.

This is such a tricky area because there are so many stigmas out there about "unicorn hunting" and so many people feel grossed out by it. I did have a friend who was in a positive triad situation for some time and really enjoyed it and found it fulfilling. I don't really have any other poly friends who are currently in this kind of relationship. I don't want to go out there and force this, and I know it isn't the type of thing one can force anyway. I have changed my info on my dating sites (I'm literally on all of them) to express this and also honestly explain what I am looking for without pressure. I would be just as happy meeting someone who would like to spend time with just me, or a new friend.

What are your thoughts about
1) looking to develop a triad?
2) what are the right and wrong reasons for doing this-- how do you know you are emotionally prepared?
3) how to bring this up with new potential partners when getting to know them? (I am upfront about this of course, but conversations eventually evolve).

I have a few women I am chatting with, one of which used to be in a triad and seems open about it, however I am going super slow and mostly am looking to build friendships first. I am just scared to be looked at like a unicorn hunter, and would never want to make anyone feel like they are being chased or preyed on for a fetish!

I edited your text a little to help clarify things. I hope I did it correctly?

You want to maybe have a full on polyamorous triad with your BF and yourself and a woman? Why? Just for the sexual excitement? I agree, there is a stigma and a lot of difficulty around this. Triads usually don't fulfill the needs of the new "extra" woman. She often feels like second best, and isn't integrated into the lives and families, job parties, etc., of the established culture. She can feel like a shameful secret with no protection or status.

You can read up on this on the More Than Two website, the rights of secondaries.

Generally it is much better to let this evolve organically. You find a woman, say, and eventually she meets BF, and then you all take it from there. Either there is chemistry with BF or not. You can't force it, as you said. Then, even if there is sexual chemistry, you have to proceed very carefully so she feels respected and not just a sex toy you as a couple wish to share. It's so complicated. Some women might be very turned off by an expectation that they fuck your BF just because they like you. You'd have to proceed very carefully to indicate there is no pressure to do so. Women who want to enter into an established couple as their unicorn sometimes have deep seated and undealt with parental issues.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi teal,

Good to hear from you again, I'm glad that things are going so well for you at this time. For my own part, I do not mind if you want to go "unicorn hunting" (or whatever one wants to call it). My only reservation would be, that you should be very honest with whomever you date, and let her know what she can expect from you, and what you are hoping for from her. This is not so she will feel pressured, on the contrary it is so she can enter into a relationship with you with her full knowledge and consent. There is a great series of videos on what it can be like to be a unicorn, good, bad, and sometimes humorous. Here's the link if you're interested: http://www.unicornlandseries.com/

It is fine to want a triad. As with so many things in poly, the key is to take it slow, one little step at a time, and be very open and honest along the way. Perhaps the first time you talk to your potential unicorn, you could say something like, "We are open to whatever develops, although we are interested in a triad." Then you can explain what a triad is if she doesn't know, and go from there.

Anyway those are my thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

In our polycule we are open to the sharing of partners but it is not an expectation - although we did run into some situations early on where Dude assumed that two women who were into him would naturally be into each other (NOT true - but I am inherently a slut, so pretty much game for fun times if everyone is on board).

MrS and I have shared sex with FWBs but that was more in the "fun threesome" with friends category, both before we were "together" and after.

The closest I would say to a triad/shared partner situation was when Lotus felt that she was "dating" all three of us to various degrees and I was fooling around with her husband. Her perspective was actually much different than each of ours (which were also slightly different from each other!). She felt like she was dating the "household" (or our housholds were dating each other. My my perspective was that she had different relationships with three people who all happend to live together (the fact that we also had our own relationships within the household seemed incidental).

 

[tealheron11]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for your kind replies and recommendations/resources! And also for sharing your experiences, JaneQ!

I definitely am in the lane of "allow this to develop organically" and also to build friendships first and solid connections. Not that we aren't open to a fun threesome with a friends-with-benefits situation, but we also want to be respectful, fair, and make sure the person we like and want to build with wants the same thing and feels included and that their needs are being met (like Magdlyn mentioned).

I guess what makes it so much harder is the geographic region we live in isn't very progressive and doesn't even have a large LGBTQ demographic, let alone a poly/BDSM/swinger/alternative relationship community! I went from living on the west coast where this was all inherent to a very conservative, rural, closed-off southern culture. People like us exist here, but are few and far between. I am being clear and direct on dating sites and hoping for the best, and also being open in the friendship arena. BF approached a friend of us who we are both attracted to about the threesome interest (it wasn't out of context, it was in a social setting where everyone was being open about sexual fantasies and experiences) about being open to playing with us, and she laughed at him, LOL. She is a lesbian I guess and not into us, but thankfully he wasn't hurt and it didn't mess up their friendship, nor did she feel weird - I think she was flattered. Anyway, I guess patience is the key and being open minded and just appreciating connections as they come for now. I hope to be back on with more questions and updates soon. This new arena is so very exciting to me, I think it will be great to build more relationships, be more open and flexible, continue to build my poly skills and communication skills, add a new wonderful dynamic/later to my relationship with BF, and hopefully also add to a third person's life and have more adventures all together.