Triad to Dyad

[TheChris]

Hello,

I am going to try to describe a very complex situation succinctly.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We were the ridiculously happy couple that never fought and grossed out our friends with our happiness (sorry). We have also for that whole time been, for lack of a better term... swingers. (Side-note: there really needs to be a new term) Two years ago we met a girl who we really connected with. All three of us had great chemistry and attraction as well as got along and loved being together. Anyway, we started dating her in a polyfidelotous relationship. We started as a couple with a girlfriend, but that slowly became more of a traditional triad. Once my wife realized that we created a triad, she started feeling a little uncomfortable and wanted to move toward an exit.

Here is where it gets complicated (and a little f***ed up sounding). The girl is 20 years our junior. In addition to the romantic feelings, there was definitely a parent/child (or mentor/mentee) aspect to the relationship. She was in a very unhealthy mental place when we first started dating and we felt that we could be a very positive influence in her life.

She has always wanted to get married and have kids, which we all knew was not in the cards for this relationship.

A couple months ago, I was in a very bad auto accident and it made my wife realize that she wanted to end the relationship, at least the romantic part. The girl and I have taken the breakup pretty hard, even though we both knew the relationship had an expiration date on some level... neither of us were really ready. At this point, my she and my wife have settled into a nice friendship. My wife really wanted to keep mentoring her and she absolutely wants my wife to do so.

The challenge is the friendship between her and me. We both really want to maintain the friendship. Just about everything I have read suggests that we should have no contact whatsoever. I can see a valid point to this, but there are some problems. She is friends with my wife, she wants to maintain contact with our children (she became quite close with them although they never knew the extent of our relationship), she feels most at home at our house. If we are to have no contact, it seems like it will make for some extremely awkward moments.

I could go on about the complexities but I fear this is already way too long.

So... anyone in the poly community have experience in moving from a triad to a dyad? Is it at all realistic to think that we can remain friends even is both of us still have feelings?

 

[GalaGirl]

The girl and I have taken the breakup pretty hard, even though we both knew the relationship had an expiration date on some level... neither of us were really ready.

Sounds like you and GF would have preferred to break up later rather than right now... but are trying to adjust to breaking up now instead.

We both really want to maintain the friendship. Just about everything I have read suggests that we should have no contact whatsoever. I can see a valid point to this, but there are some problems. She is friends with my wife, she wants to maintain contact with our children (she became quite close with them although they never knew the extent of our relationship), she feels most at home at our house. If we are to have no contact, it seems like it will make for some extremely awkward moments.

You are not able to agree to month or two of no contact? Despite the discomfort for the sake of being able to develop and maintain an appropriate friendship afterward? And ask wife and friend not to hang out for a while in support of that?

You could decide to pay the price of admission -- a month of no contact and some awkward moments. For the greater benefit of maintaining the friendship you both seem to want a lot.

Additionally, if you are mentoring this person, that could include encouraging them to widen their circle so they can feel at home in other friend's places too. Not just YOUR home.

Is it at all realistic to think that we can remain friends even is both of us still have feelings?

Feelings can change/fade down when given space to do so. But not if you don't give yourself closure first and keep clinging to romance. Which is the point of going no contact for a bit. To allow the relationship shape to change and the feelings to change/fade down. To allow you to give yourself closure on that chapter of life before embarking on a new chapter.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

Hi, and welcome.

There are a few questions I need to ask about your situation, and some of them might not sound very "nice" or positive at first glance, but I mean them constructively.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We were the ridiculously happy couple. We have also for that whole time been, for lack of a better term... swingers.

Two years ago we met a girl who we really connected with. Anyway, we started dating her in a polyfidelotous relationship... but that slowly became more of a traditional triad.

So, your extremely happy (albeit non-monogamous) marriage unwittingly morphed into a triad when you met a girl to whom you were BOTH very attracted to and formed a connection with. Nothing inherently problematic there.

The girl is 20 years our junior. In addition to the romantic feelings, there was definitely a parent/child (or mentor/mentee) aspect to the relationship. She was in a very unhealthy mental place when we first started dating and we felt that we could be a very positive influence in her life.

She has always wanted to get married and have kids, which we all knew was not in the cards for this relationship.

And I can see how, ultimately, this particular young woman might not have been a great fit for a long-term partner... as you/wife and your girlfriend are at different stages in life and want different things (ex: gf is much younger and wants kids eventually, which you two don't want.)

Once my wife realized that we created a triad, she started feeling a little uncomfortable and wanted to move toward an exit.

A couple months ago, I was in a very bad auto accident and it made my wife realize that she wanted to end the relationship, at least the romantic part. The girl and I have taken the breakup pretty hard, even though we both knew the relationship had an expiration date on some level... neither of us were really ready.

This is where the waters become muddier, in my view...

From what you've described, you BOTH met this girl and formed a deep connection with her at the same time. You were both attracted to her, and she to you. So what was it exactly about being in a TRIAD relationship - as opposed to having a "secondary" girlfriend/lover, or swinging - that didn't sit right with your wife?

Could she not handle the depth of your feelings for this girl, or vice versa? Were you all cohabiting and wife changed her mind about that? Did almost losing you in a car wreck make her realise something she hadn't realised before about your marital bond? (Does she now want total monogamy - no swinging or the like?)

Because it seems somewhat unfair to me that ONE of the parties who originally and knowingly began an extra-marital relationship with a third party - i.e. wife, with girlfriend - made a unilateral decision to END the triad relationship, on behalf of ALL of you, because she got scared or uncomfortable, or whatever her reasons were.

IMO, your WIFE has the right to end HER side of the triad, so that it might transform into a "V" (you/wife, you/girlfriend), but doesn't automatically have the right to force you and your girlfriend to end YOUR romantic dyad.

And it seems especially bad timing, to demand this of you at a time when you were physically unwell and in recovery mode. And borderline cruel to do this, THEN still insist on keeping former girlfriend around as a platonic friend. How does your wife expect you to deal well with this situation?

I'm wondering if you and she had a pre-existing veto agreement in place, where one of you could end things with your mutual girlfriend if you changed your mind... or if your wife broke an agreement by demanding you end things(?)

Nevertheless, it seems you agreed to her terms, and you/gf have parted ways romantically.

At this point, my she and my wife have settled into a nice friendship. My wife really wanted to keep mentoring her and she absolutely wants my wife to do so.

The challenge is the friendship between her and me. We both really want to maintain the friendship. Just about everything I have read suggests that we should have no contact whatsoever.

Well, that's all very well for your wife... however, I agree that it poses a problem (emotionally and ethically) for you, and possibly the other woman.

IF you accept that the relationship has to end, but you still want to maintain a friendship of some kind with your former girlfriend... I agree with GalaGirl and the other advice you've read, and suggest you take a "time out" from any contact with this woman for a specified period of time, to allow any residual feelings to die down.

Your feelings probably won't disappear entirely, at least not for a considerable period of time if they were strong and true... however, a period of no contact should allow them to abate to the point where they'll become manageable when you DO resume communication.

 

[Ravenscroft]

a very complex situation

IMO, you've described it very well.

However, it appears there are some fundamental misunderstandings.

First, there's no such thing as "a traditional triad," most pointedly the "everyone always in one big sweaty pile" part that seems to be in play here. I was in a closed live-together FMF triad for a few years, & sex was frequent but we only very rarely had a three-way.

Personally, I would NOT have got involved with someone in "a very unhealthy mental place," especially if substantially younger. (I learned MANY years ago that I have an unfortunate tendency not just to be a Rescuer (or White Knight), but that messed-up people are often deeply invested in STAYING messed up because it makes them feel important, the center of attention. If I'm attracted to someone in a tough spot, I will stay far back, help her out as a casual friend, then wait to see if she gets back on track & THEN maybe I can someday court her as an equal.) Actually, it sounds as though you dodged that bullet, so count your blessings.

But then we come to that accident. I can sorta understand your wife wanting to back out of the triad: worrying about someone ill/injured can fill up one's available emotions, & worry about bills only adds more pressure.

The part that you gloss over is why YOU (as an individual) felt ANY need to end your relationship with your girlfriend. First, that leads me to conclude that you were NEVER a triad, & had always been "a couple with a girlfriend" all along.

There's a bit of disconnect that you (all) certainly need to address. Namely, your wife "ended the relationship, at least the romantic part" yet continues to hang out with her "ex" in a sorta female "bromance." Perhaps when you said "romantic" you meant "fucking."

And even though it's supposedly "stepped down" between you & the young chick, your wife won't allow either of you some time to get over "taking it pretty hard" & not only keeps her around but pokes at you to "keep mentoring her." She wants to keep hanging out at your house & spending time with your kids.

Dude, that's all a LOT more than "maintaining the friendship." It's carrot-dangling, keeping the sex just ever so barely out of reach. Trust me, you're likely to have MANY more "awkward moments" than if everybody were to stay in their respective corners for a few months.

The wound can't heal if you are constantly picking at the scab.

Having others willing to help you pick at the scab doesn't improve the outcome.

 

[Magdlyn]

When you mentioned being in an accident and your wife wanting to "end the relationship," I thought maybe you meant your wife broke up with YOU.

How does she get to end the relationship between you and young girlfriend? Isn't that up to the two of you? How is it that gf gets discarded at a time when you need some care? You've been helping young gf. Now's her chance to help you.

That's the big question I've got. Wasn't your gf worried about your injuries too? But now you're supposed to be going no contact for some reason? But wife gets to keep having contact?

It's so confusing. What kind of agreement did you 3 have, anyway?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello TheChris,

I am okay with you continuing a friendship with your ex-girlfriend, as long as you think/feel you can manage it, as long as your feelings don't get in the way and make it painful to be "just a friend." I certainly don't think you should have to go no-contact forever ... although, as the others are saying, going no-contact for a month or two may be something to consider. I think it would be hard to go no-contact unless she just doesn't come over to your house (for a month or two). I'm sure your wife wouldn't have a problem with this. She could go over to the ex-girlfriend's place if she wants to visit.

I sympathize with you about the pain you are experiencing as you go through this breakup. I hope you will be able to heal soon (both from the breakup and from the car accident).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.