Triad ?

[rbr1977]

Hi all
I recentley joined this forum and have been lurkingaround a little for similar situations to mine, I'm not the best at navigating so any directions are welcome.
I am currently in a long distance online relationship with two women H and S both in there 20's i'm 42 we have agreed to all meet at some point after covid ends. ( travel restrictions ) They have been intimate with each other for some time and have known each other since childhood they have had a very differnt upbringing to most and lets say they were both bought up in very very close family atmoshpere's, At first my concern was the age difference but those fears where settled after they explained they see me as a protective father figure for themseves aswell as a lover, I know in normal circles these thoughts may defianatly sound a bit off and outside of boundaries, but I am not one to judge and how could I as I am willingly persuing this, they have spoken of being in a triad configuration with themselves being closed but want me to remain open now I assume some males may jump at this oportunity but i feel if one is closed all should be, I am very new to this and am after any advice possible whether it be good or bad and if people are uncomfortable with putting there advice out there for all to see please PM and i will do the same in reply I really want things to work but my upbringing has been very different although my mother devorced and met her new partner online that started as long distance and they have now been together for 20yrs.

I guess i'm just asking of any personal experiances that may lend a hand as to how i navigate my way, we group chat and also solo chat and sometimes one likes to keep a little info from the other this is one of my uneasy parts as I like to be as honest as possible and from what i read thats the poly way.

As mentioned all help very much appreciated.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hi all
I recentley joined this fourum

Hello, and welcome! Glad to have you aboard!

...and have been lurkingaround a little for similar situations to mine, I'm not the best at navigating so any directions are welcome.

Of course - it is perfectly natural to look for people who are in similar situations to hear about how they have handled things. For instance, when I started here I was looking for other people who were cohabitating with more than one partner...and people who were in MFM Vees.

In terms of navigating - In the white links on the blue background stripe near the top of the page there is a search option that you can explore for info on specific topics (you can drill down a bit further by going on to "Advanced Search" if you like).

Another option is to navigate to the subforum page where you can see the threads listed and click on any whose title strikes your fancy. So, for instance, at the top of the page you can see a line of links:

Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner > Triad ?

If you click on the first it will take you to a page listing all of the subforums on the site, the second to last takes you to the list of threads in this sub-forum.

I am currently in a long distance online relationship with two girls H and S both in there 20's i'm 42 we have agreed to all meet at some point after covid ends. ( travel restrictions )

I have little experience with either long-distance or online relationships, so I will leave it to others to give you some guidance there. (I did want to let you know that the occasional poster may take offense at using the word "girls" for female persons presumably above the age of consent - unless you are talking about a DD/lg kink dynamic you might want to call them "women")

They have been intimate with each other for some time and have known each other since childhood they have had a very differnt upbringing to most and lets say they were both bought up in very very close family atmoshpere's,

Not sure of all that you are trying to say here, but they have a long history together - so don't be surprised/offended if they turn out to have underlying assumptions and "in jokes" that you may not, yet, understand fully.

At first my concern was the age difference but those fears where settled after they explained they see me as a protective father figure for themseves aswell as a lover, I know in normal circles these thoughts may defianatly sound a bit off and outside of boundaries...

So, perhaps there IS a DD/lg(s) dynamic? "Normal" is a relative term - what is "normal" in one culture may seem bizarre and unhealthy in another (for instance: arranged marriages, child-brides, female genital mutilation, etc. - these are things that I find distasteful and abusive that are still in practice in some parts of the world). We often see things against the backdrop of what is "mainstream" in the place where we live or grew up.

, but I am not one to judge and how could I as I am willingly persuing this,

We are human, we judge all of the time - and often hypocritically! It is possible to "pursue" something ... and then feel bad about engaging in something that we (consciously or unconsciously) consider "wrong". (Not saying this is true in your case - but revealing our own biases can be rather enlightening).

they have spoken of being in a triad configuration with themselves being closed but want me to remain open now I assume some males may jump at this oportunity but i feel if one is closed all should be,

They are entitled to their preferences, and you to yours. If they want to be closed that is their relationship and their choice. If you want to be closed, then that is YOUR choice (they can't force you to be open!) But fair does not mean equal - and there is no poly-rule that says it has to be "all open" or "all closed" - so you may want to examine where that feeling of yours is coming from? NOTE: that is a different scenario than someone saying "I'm open but YOU have to be closed." You only have control over your choices and actions.

... we group chat and also solo chat and sometimes one likes to keep a little info from the other this is one of my uneasy parts as I like to be as honest as possible and from what i read thats the poly way.

As for this - you may want to keep in mind that there is a difference between "privacy" and "secrecy". Noone is required to disclose to their partner(s) every thought that comes into their head! Sometimes talking things out helps to clarify things in your own mind. That being said, if they are asking you to "keep secrets" that you are not comfortable with then you have every right to ask them to find someone else to have that conversations with - a friend, for instance - who is not so involved in the immediate situation.

I'm sure others will be along with better advise, but there is my 2 cents to get you started.

JaneQ

 

[vinsanity0]

The age difference doesn't have to be a big deal as long as you guys have some things in common.

In this day and age I would be a little weary of catfishing or maybe game playing as a result of boredom. It's hard to say with the Covid. I had a LDR with a younger girl I met on the web. In the end I deemed her too unreliable due to her never following through with meeting. Hopefully these two are on the up and up.

Other than that I'm not sure what to tell you.

 

[rbr1977]

Hello, and welcome! Glad to have you aboard!



Of course - it is perfectly natural to look for people who are in similar situations to hear about how they have handled things. For instance, when I started here I was looking for other people who were cohabitating with more than one partner...and people who were in MFM Vees.

In terms of navigating - In the white links on the blue background stripe near the top of the page there is a search option that you can explore for info on specific topics (you can drill down a bit further by going on to "Advanced Search" if you like).
Thankyou I looked at that line a dozen times and never noticed the search option.
Another option is to navigate to the subforum page where you can see the threads listed and click on any whose title strikes your fancy. So, for instance, at the top of the page you can see a line of links:

Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner > Triad ?

If you click on the first it will take you to a page listing all of the subforums on the site, the second to last takes you to the list of threads in this sub-forum.



I have little experience with either long-distance or online relationships, so I will leave it to others to give you some guidance there. (I did want to let you know that the occasional poster may take offense at using the word "girls" for female persons presumably above the age of consent - unless you are talking about a DD/lg kink dynamic you might want to call them "women")
I have edited to suit but yes they do currently practice the kink you mention.



Not sure of all that you are trying to say here, but they have a long history together - so don't be surprised/offended if they turn out to have underlying assumptions and "in jokes" that you may not, yet, understand fully.



So, perhaps there IS a DD/lg(s) dynamic? "Normal" is a relative term - what is "normal" in one culture may seem bizarre and unhealthy in another (for instance: arranged marriages, child-brides, female genital mutilation, etc. - these are things that I find distasteful and abusive that are still in practice in some parts of the world). We often see things against the backdrop of what is "mainstream" in the place where we live or grew up.
As above they certainly have this want of DD/lg Its not the easiest subject to research though.


We are human, we judge all of the time - and often hypocritically! It is possible to "pursue" something ... and then feel bad about engaging in something that we (consciously or unconsciously) consider "wrong". (Not saying this is true in your case - but revealing our own biases can be rather enlightening).



They are entitled to their preferences, and you to yours. If they want to be closed that is their relationship and their choice. If you want to be closed, then that is YOUR choice (they can't force you to be open!) But fair does not mean equal - and there is no poly-rule that says it has to be "all open" or "all closed" - so you may want to examine where that feeling of yours is coming from? NOTE: that is a different scenario than someone saying "I'm open but YOU have to be closed." You only have control over your choices and actions.



As for this - you may want to keep in mind that there is a difference between "privacy" and "secrecy". Noone is required to disclose to their partner(s) every thought that comes into their head! Sometimes talking things out helps to clarify things in your own mind. That being said, if they are asking you to "keep secrets" that you are not comfortable with then you have every right to ask them to find someone else to have that conversations with - a friend, for instance - who is not so involved in the immediate situation.

I'm sure others will be along with better advise, but there is my 2 cents to get you started.

JaneQ

Thankyou ai have posted replies in green and apreciate your view's

 

[rbr1977]

The age difference doesn't have to be a big deal as long as you guys have some things in common.

In this day and age I would be a little weary of catfishing or maybe game playing as a result of boredom. It's hard to say with the Covid. I had a LDR with a younger girl I met on the web. In the end I deemed her too unreliable due to her never following through with meeting. Hopefully these two are on the up and up.

Other than that I'm not sure what to tell you.

I understand catfishing is a very real thing it just happened to be the Ex's favourite TV show lol So I have done what i can to releave my self of those worry's, Not saying its not still possible but we have been chatting well before covid and some nights will chat for 12hrs plus time just gets away, but yes your concern is always a real one for me. I know anyone can send pictures of anybody so at this point its a gamble I am willing to take.
BTW I have reverse image searched all photos exchanged with no matches to be found.

 

[NeilMK]

Hey RBR! Welcome.

I agree with vinsanity to be careful it's not people playing games. Have you seen photo's, had a phonecall or facetime or anything?

The whole situation sounds great and there's no reason you wouldn't investigate, with care. With regards to you being open while they are closed, for me this has two aspects to manage;

1) Why do they want you to be open? Simply talk to them about it.
2) What do 'you' want? If you want to commit to a closed relationship, do that. If they insist you be open, thank them and know it's an option and chose not to.

 

[rbr1977]

The age difference doesn't have to be a big deal as long as you guys have some things in common.

In this day and age I would be a little weary of catfishing or maybe game playing as a result of boredom. It's hard to say with the Covid. I had a LDR with a younger girl I met on the web. In the end I deemed her too unreliable due to her never following through with meeting. Hopefully these two are on the up and up.

Other than that I'm not sure what to tell you.

Hi Vinsanity

I appreciate the comments, I am aware of Catfishing It happened to be the Ex's favorite TV show LOL
I have been chatting with them since Feb so pre covid not that that means much but we have chatted a lot for up to 12hrs at a time, time does fly when your having fun, We have exchanged plenty of pics spanning several years and i have done reverse image search to put mind at ease.

Thanks for the input.

 

[Dagferi]

I would be concerned that instead of a father figure they are looking for financial support...

There are plenty of 20/30 something men even local 40 something men who would jump at the chance at a relationship with 2 hot bi babes. Why would they pursue someone long distance?

 

[FallenAngelina]

they certainly have this want of DD/lg Its not the easiest subject to research though.

There are lots of others to speak with and learn with on Fetlife. Are you active in the groups there?

 

[vinsanity0]

Hi Vinsanity

I appreciate the comments, I am aware of Catfishing It happened to be the Ex's favorite TV show LOL
I have been chatting with them since Feb so pre covid not that that means much but we have chatted a lot for up to 12hrs at a time, time does fly when your having fun, We have exchanged plenty of pics spanning several years and i have done reverse image search to put mind at ease.

Thanks for the input.

Same with the person I mentioned. I probably had hundreds of pics. We spent a crazy amount of time on the phone and that was before free long distance. She never asked me for money though so I'm not sure what was going on there.

That's not to say I haven't had any successful LDRs. I don't mean to sound like I am against them.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all. I recently joined this forum and have been looking around a little, for similar situations to mine.

I am currently in a long distance online relationship with two women, H and S, both in their 20's. I'm 42. We have agreed to all meet at some point after Covid ends (travel restrictions).

So you've been chatting with 2 hot bi babes, since February. What is your prior dating history like? How far away are they? What are the chances, really, of meeting months from now, or a year or more, once there is full testing and a vaccine? So far, this is just a cyber-fantasy.

They have been intimate with each other for some time, and have known each other since childhood. They have had a very different upbringing to most, and let's say they were both bought up in very, very close family atmospheres.

Very, very close? As in incest close? It seems you're implying that, what with the wanting a Daddy stuff. Are you prepared to handle not one, but 2 women who have been through that, if that's what you mean?

At first my concern was the age difference, but those fears were settled after they explained they see me as a protective father figure for themselves, as well as a lover. I know in normal circles these thoughts may definitely sound a bit off and outside of boundaries, but I am not one to judge. And how could I? I am willingly pursuing this.

As someone said, a Daddy/little girl scenario is not at all uncommon in kink circles. It's very common for a sub to call their Dom her or his Daddy if you're into a power exchange thing. Is this your first relationship with any degree of kink? You'll find, as you look around this board, that some of us are vanilla. But many poly people are open to kink. And many people into BDSM are cool with polyamory.

Group sex is less common in polyamorous circles than you'd think, except among the young and careless. You're middle aged. Your friends might be the young and careless sorts. And even though you met just pre Covid lockdown, they might be bored and enjoying a cyber relationship with no real intention of anything real life. LDRs are difficult.

They have spoken of being in a triad configuration, with themselves being closed. But they want me to remain open. I assume some males might jump at this opportunity. But I think if one is closed, all should be.

Why be closed on your end? Don't you want to find a local woman who you can actually meet, date and have sex with on a regular basis?

I am very new to this. I am after any advice possible, whether it be good or bad. I really want things to work, but my upbringing has been very different. I'm just asking for any personal experiences.

We group chat, and also solo chat. Sometimes one likes to keep a little info from the other. This is one of my uneasy parts, as I like to be as honest as possible, and from what I read that's the poly way.

My advice is, take these young'uns with a grain of salt, and look for local partners, when you feel ready. Cyber relationships have a way of not turning into something real, especially if it's quite long distance. It could happen, but just don't get your hopes up.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello all
My name is rbr and I am very new to this ( Poly ), Early 40s male and have been separated for approx 8 weeks after almost 20 yrs in a Mono Marriage with two teen Daughters. Separation has been a long time coming only one short term GF before marriage and Had a Threesome in my Late teens with two mates on a cruise The girl got all the attention ,
I lost love for wife along time ago and Kids kept family together not the best Scenario I know but here I am, I have been chatting with Two girls online long distance Early days but they are in a multi poly life with multiple other girls and one man they are many years younger in there mid 20's this was hurdle one but to me age is only a number and I have that chance to re live my 20's Im serious in making things work, They have opened my eyes To poly and I know I have love for more then one, I know i'm Poly I'm sure of that, prior to recent times I've Known nothing of it.
As i said it's Early day's and a meet is defianatley on the cards but not till Covid Ends So im in a real pickle, any constructive comments are more then welcome.
Thankyou In advance and I look forward to many constructive coments and conversations.

For other's information, here is your intro post from Intros.

 

[Magdlyn]

My name is rbr. I am very new to poly. I am a male in my early 40s, and have been separated for approximately 8 weeks, after almost 20 yrs in a mono marriage. My wife and I have two teen daughters. Separation has been a long time coming. I lost love for my wife a long time ago. The kids kept the family together. Not the best scenario, I know. But here I am.

I only had one short term GF before marriage, and had a threesome in my late teens with two mates on a cruise. The girl got all the attention.


I have been chatting with two girls online long distance. It's early days. They are in a poly life with multiple other girls and one man. They are many years younger than me, in their mid 20's. This was hurdle one, but to me age is only a number, and I have that chance to re-live my 20's.

I'm serious about making things work. They have opened my eyes to poly. I know I have love for more then one. I know I'm poly. I'm sure of that. Prior to recent times I knew nothing about it.

As I said, it's early days. A meet is definitely in the cards, but not till Covid ends. So I'm in a real pickle.

Any constructive comments are more then welcome. Thank you in advance. I look forward to many constructive comments and conversations.

You said that your friends wanted to be Closed with you. But they say they're already living with other women and one guy? I get the idea from your vague posting that they also have sex with their roommates, other young people? So why would they want to come into a Closed triad with one older guy a long distance away from them? Do they want you to support them financially?

I'm sorry to see you've had very little dating experience. And you've been in a loveless marriage for a long time. You're starved for attention, excitement, connection and sex. I mean, I can relate. I was also in a long term mono marriage, with 3 kids, and I split with my husband at age 52. I was taken in a few times when I started dating, so I want to be kind and tell you to beware.

(However, I did date about 10 people before I met my ex husband.)

These young women might be lying about everything. They may be entertaining themselves with a lonely horny older man. Be careful with your heart. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

It's possible to be polyamorous in real life, but starting out long distance is a hard way to do it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi rbr,

A triad is a common concept in the poly world, but a rare reality. You seem to be on the brink of a ready-made MFF triad, you have a relationship with two HBBs who are already in love with each other. That is tremendously lucky, I can see why you would want to pursue it.

Regarding your concerns. You feel that if they are closed, you should also be closed. I venture that you could technically be open, that is you are open to other opportunities if they present themselves to you, but you don't have to be actively searching for such opportunities. Sort of a de facto closed on your part. I am not telling you that this is how you should handle the situation, but perhaps it's something to consider. As to the occasional info the girls want to keep from each other, I see that as part of their relationship with each other, and as such, it is for them to worry about, I don't think you are obligated to worry about it.

So what's the status with their other relationships? Are they going to discard those relationships so that they can be closed with you? Are they going to move so that they can live closer to (or with) you? or is this going to continue to be a long-distance relationship even after Covid goes away? Your answers to these questions may affect how you'll handle the situation.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[rbr1977]

Hey RBR! Welcome.

I agree with vinsanity to be careful it's not people playing games. Have you seen photo's, had a phonecall or facetime or anything?

The whole situation sounds great and there's no reason you wouldn't investigate, with care. With regards to you being open while they are closed, for me this has two aspects to manage;

1) Why do they want you to be open? Simply talk to them about it.
2) What do 'you' want? If you want to commit to a closed relationship, do that. If they insist you be open, thank them and know it's an option and chose not to.

Hi there
1) Why do they want me open there response is there happy to be closed but am happy for me to be open to enjoy all that may be out there But thats not exactly how I think.

2) I do believe the closed route is the way i will go.

 

[rbr1977]

I would be concerned that instead of a father figure they are looking for financial support...

There are plenty of 20/30 something men even local 40 something men who would jump at the chance at a relationship with 2 hot bi babes. Why would they pursue someone long distance?

This is a very good point and one that I have considered / wondered many a time, I have never been approached for funds of any type and as this was one of my worries i had actually offered to send some money for them to have a night out this was graciously declined by them so I certainly gained some inner peace from that.

Thanks for your input

 

[rbr1977]

There are lots of others to speak with and learn with on Fetlife. Are you active in the groups there?

Hi Karen
I hadn't come across that site thanks so much.

 

[rbr1977]

Same with the person I mentioned. I probably had hundreds of pics. We spent a crazy amount of time on the phone and that was before free long distance. She never asked me for money though so I'm not sure what was going on there.

That's not to say I haven't had any successful LDRs. I don't mean to sound like I am against them.

I enjoy reading all comments whether they may be positive or negative please don't think I see yours as negative,
I love that you can just get lost in conversation almost like when you drive to a destination and arrive the wonder how did i get here, we have many nights and days like that,
My mother resides in Canada and has so for over 20yrs I am not new to long distance although this is with a lover not a mother so certainly different feelings are involved, I could easily download an app and swipe right or left and find someone close to home but at this point in time I really love things are going the way they are and at the end of the day if it turns out to be a hoax ill look at the good times rather then focus on bad.

Again thanks for your views.

 

[rbr1977]

So you've been chatting with 2 hot bi babes, since February. What is your prior dating history like? How far away are they? What are the chances, really, of meeting months from now, or a year or more, once there is full testing and a vaccine? So far, this is just a cyber-fantasy.

Previous to marriage I had a LDR with a girl when i was in my late teens and traveled quiet a few times over 9 hrs to visit it ended due to us being on different career paths. It certainly did start as a fantasy style relationship but soon evolved to where i'm at now, Distance is a huge factor but only at the moment, I have mentioned in a past post that as soon as Boarders open it has been agreed that I will go and meet them and if all falls through the trip will not be lost as my mother is in Canada a 2hr flight from the women i will be meeting I am in Australia BTW



Very, very close? As in incest close? It seems you're implying that, what with the wanting a Daddy stuff. Are you prepared to handle not one, but 2 women who have been through that, if that's what you mean?

You hit the nail on the head and although I looked into the rules of this site i did not know whether incest is a spoken thing here so i did my best to avoid the wording direct, but yes they were both bought up that way and are currently with multiple other girls all open and with one daddy


As someone said, a Daddy/little girl scenario is not at all uncommon in kink circles. It's very common for a sub to call their Dom her or his Daddy if you're into a power exchange thing. Is this your first relationship with any degree of kink? You'll find, as you look around this board, that some of us are vanilla. But many poly people are open to kink. And many people into BDSM are cool with polyamory.

This certainly is my first kink introduction with others Our marriage was very very Vanilla right to the end, to add a little note hear after separation still were sharing a bed at this point the pressure was off and one night should I say more then one night we had the most unbelievable sex we had ever had, and the ex pulled out toys i never new she owned and yes she used them on me, she believe it or not even exchanged messages with one of the women whist we were having sex so i guess in a way we got our own kink on but unfortunately that was all a little too late, and only days later the Ex moved to her own room so the fun was done so to speak.
I love the Ex dearly but im not in love with her and only wish her the best in her future en devours.

Group sex is less common in polyamorous circles than you'd think, except among the young and careless. You're middle aged. Your friends might be the young and careless sorts. And even though you met just pre Covid lockdown, they might be bored and enjoying a cyber relationship with no real intention of anything real life. LDRs are difficult.

Yes you could be right but they speak of life beyond what they currently live and it certainly has not just been sex related they certainly have there views and we have had many arguments that a normal communicating couple would have this alone tends to give me hope as there certainly not afraid of speaking there mind and are very defensive when it comes to kinks I learnt quickly never to judge a person by there kink or for it they set me on the straight and narrow real quick. That is one thing I love If i F**k up here quick to point it out and talk me through it.

Why be closed on your end? Don't you want to find a local woman who you can actually meet, date and have sex with on a regular basis?

I guess that is part of my past Mono way and yes I probably should seriously reconsider my decision to remain closed on my end.

My advice is, take these young'uns with a grain of salt, and look for local partners, when you feel ready. Cyber relationships have a way of not turning into something real, especially if it's quite long distance. It could happen, but just don't get your hopes up.

I do take all suggestions on board and as mentioned above if I and when i do go and visit there will be no real looser if things don't work out, Either the women and I will have a good time or not who knows or my mum's going to get to see her little boy for a longer duration so either way its a loose win or a win win time will tell.

I have replied in red to all of your concerns or questions and value all comment's

Thanks again

 

[rbr1977]

You said that your friends wanted to be Closed with you. But they say they're already living with other women and one guy? I get the idea from your vague posting that they also have sex with their roommates, other young people? So why would they want to come into a Closed triad with one older guy a long distance away from them? Do they want you to support them financially?

I'm sorry to see you've had very little dating experience. And you've been in a loveless marriage for a long time. You're starved for attention, excitement, connection and sex. I mean, I can relate. I was also in a long term mono marriage, with 3 kids, and I split with my husband at age 52. I was taken in a few times when I started dating, so I want to be kind and tell you to beware.

(However, I did date about 10 people before I met my ex husband.)

These young women might be lying about everything. They may be entertaining themselves with a lonely horny older man. Be careful with your heart. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

It's possible to be polyamorous in real life, but starting out long distance is a hard way to do it.

Ok I'll clarify here as much as i can yes they live with other girls approx 4 - 6 They are all treated equally by one male ( Daddy Dom ) and yes they all currently have sex with each other but not at one time and not every night there is somewhat of a schedule that they all live to The above alone had my head spinning at first but at 1st i wasn't introduced to all truths they have been with me as we move along forgive me for being somewhat vague in some answers but privacy must be #1 The two women wish to eventually break away from the house and are in no way forced to stay, they are free to come and go as they please obviously Covid has some say.
Regarding Financial dependence on me LOL I was upfront from the beginning i'm no millionaire and they full well the only support they will get is the employer that pay's them and i'm not that.
I promise to give them all the love and care in the world but cash ain't included with that.

Thanks Again