Tricky situation..

DarkFay92

New member
I got myself in quite a pickle and am desperately in need of advice.

Me (28F), my partner K (38M) and my metamour N (28F) have been living together for four years and we're still loving it. We all go way back, like 15-20 years. I've been in a romantic relationship with K for almost 5 years now, while K and N have been together for almost 11. Just before the holidays of 2020, J (37M) waltzed back into our lives. He used to be K's best friend and he's also my ex-fiancé. He had a falling out with our entire friend group about a decade ago, for which his toxic, crazy, controlling ex-wife is to blame.

J and me dated back when I was barely 16, and I walked out on him a first time because I developed feelings for someone else and hadn't heard of poly as a possibility yet. My young and naive self figured if I could develop feelings for another man, J mustn't be the one for me. We got back together when I was almost 18 and I walked out on him again, this time because I was struggling with drug addiction and did not see any other options at that time.

Now that he waltzed back into our lives, I start to realize I never stopped loving him. But how do I deal with this?

I'm afraid talking to J isn't really an option because he just got out of a divorce that ruined his entire life and he is not open for any kind of new - or old, rekindled - flame at this time. Also, since he still considers K to be his best friend, I think he'd go talk to K before I could, putting me into a corner.

The very first time we saw each other again, J stole a kiss from me. K knows and he doesn't mind, as it's just a kiss after all. But that kiss stirred up so much inside of me. And on the other hand, J swears off any kind of relationship. He's confusing me...

I could talk to my metamour N, who has been my best friend ever since we were 7, but apart from urging me to talk to the guys I don't think she could offer me much help.

And then there's K. I love him with all my heart, we're planning on going for another child of the two of us, and I couldn't stand losing him. He suffers from BPD, so predicting his reaction to anything is kind of like performing a miracle. And even though he's not a jealous type per se, he is kind of like a lion who won't tolerate any other dominant males around his flock of lionesses. I seriously doubt if he'd take this well, though.

To make things complicated I've agreed on going to babysit J's kids next weekend. I'll be at his apartment, sleeping in his bed, and he'll come crawling next to me when he gets home. That bed, by the way, used to be our bed.

I don't know what I want from this yet. I don't know if I'd want another shot with J but then again, I don't know if I wouldn't either. So I'm kind of putting of talking to either of them until I can figure that out at least. But it's gnawing at me, because I feel like I'm being dishonest to K.

How the hell do I navigate on this patch of very, very thin ice without falling through?
 
Get off the ice.

Honestly, it sounds like J would be a bad decision right now, probably ever.

You have a good life from what you're describing, why are you looking to sabotage it over an ex?
 
Have you been monogamous with K the whole time you've been with him, while he's had you and N as his partners? Would he prefer you not to date anyone else? Or is it just that he would prefer you not date his troubled former best friend?

Are you interested in poly dating other people besides J, if things don't work out with J?

J sounds like bad news. I would be cautious about blaming all of J's troubles on his "crazy" ex-wife. J dated you when you were barely 16 and he was about 25? And your main feeling about that is you feel guilty for cheating on him when you were a teenager? At what point were you and J engaged?
 
Have you been monogamous with K the whole time you've been with him, while he's had you and N as his partners? Would he prefer you not to date anyone else? Or is it just that he would prefer you not date his troubled former best friend?

Are you interested in poly dating other people besides J, if things don't work out with J?

J sounds like bad news. I would be cautious about blaming all of J's troubles on his "crazy" ex-wife. J dated you when you were barely 16 and he was about 25? And your main feeling about that is you feel guilty for cheating on him when you were a teenager? At what point were you and J engaged?
I have been monogamous throughout my relationship with K, simply because there hasn't been anyone else I connected to. I think K would have a hard time accepting me dating anyone else, even though he does realize that that would not diminish what we have. It's be a big adjustment for him.

I can't really say if I'd be interested in dating anyone else because the last few years, because of health issues, I've been quite isolated. So I haven't really been in this situation before. But yeah, if I met someone who could swipe me off my feet, i'd probably be in the same conundrum, J or no J. I won't actively go seeking for another partner, though.

As for his ex-wife... I wouldn't blame all his troubles on her. I mean, I've known him for 15 years now, I know what kind of guy he can be. He's a big softie but yeah, he tends to get into minor trouble now and then. Although I was usually the troublemaker out of the two of us... But what I see now, what's left of the guy he once was? Nope, that's not him. She broke him. Emotionally, mentally, financially,... She broke his will. And I still see her doing the very same to her new lover boy who's also a very good friend of mine now.

Yes, the age gap is big. Yes, I was very young when I met him. Probably why I walked out on him even before I gave myself a chance to cheat on him. That one's on me. We were engaged after we got back together, and we promised each other nothing would drive us apart again. We've seen a lot of hardship together, even at that young age. After I left him the second time, I immediately knew it was a mistake, but I needed to focus on getting better first and there was no room for him or any other relationship in my life at that point. But now, after no contact for almost a decade, he walks back into my life, steals that kiss and has me lovestruck again...
 
Get off the ice.

Honestly, it sounds like J would be a bad decision right now, probably ever.

You have a good life from what you're describing, why are you looking to sabotage it over an ex?
I guess he'll always be the one who got away. Sounds stupid when I'm the one that left him, but my reasons had nothing to do with him and now, I realize I should've been running towards him instead of away from him at that point.
 
Could call it "just a kiss" and then let it go and firm up your personal boundaries.

Don't kiss him any more, esp if it stirs up confusing feelings.

I'm afraid talking to J isn't really an option because he just got out of a divorce that ruined his entire life and he is not open for any kind of new - or old, rekindled - flame at this time.

To me that's a non-starter then. The answer is "No."

To make things complicated I've agreed on going to babysit J's kids next weekend. I'll be at his apartment, sleeping in his bed, and he'll come crawling next to me when he gets home. That bed, by the way, used to be our bed.

Could change your mind because this is getting too weird for you.

Could call him so he can arrange different babysitter and don't offer any more to do that again. You are not obligated to babysit for him, You are not obligated to sleep in his bed with him. Is that the expectation of babysitters that he has? They all have to sleep with him in his bed?

I think you could reduce all this stimulus that stirs up confusion.

I can't really say if I'd be interested in dating anyone else because the last few years, because of health issues, I've been quite isolated. So I haven't really been in this situation before. But yeah, if I met someone who could swipe me off my feet, i'd probably be in the same conundrum, J or no J. I won't actively go seeking for another partner, though.

If and when your health is better and allows it? You can think about dating a new person. One that isn't your ex and K's former best friend. One that doesn't come with all this history.

It's ok to just leave it at exes with J and not start anything back up again.

Or at minimum, NOT pursue at this time since he's not even up for dating anyone right now and you are planning a pregnancy.

Trying to conceive with health concerns usually has enough going on without adding extra confusing stuff on the side.

Galagirl
 
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He had a falling out with our entire friend group about a decade ago, for which his toxic, crazy, controlling ex-wife is to blame.


No one person is ever to blame for toxic situations. One person can never, ever, ever create a crazy situation on her own, it always requires the ongoing contribution of fellow players in the drama. Everyone (except a child) involved in a crazy situation is there because they are drawn to crazy situations, AKA drama, AKA toxic. Nobody can drag anyone into crazy who isn't already participating and contributing to the crazy. Dysfunctional families (even friend families) always have a scape goat who takes the heat for the crazy, but everyone in the family is part of the problem. That's why family therapy is so very important in rehabs. You must have learned in your recovery program about the power and the ability of your choices and about the importance of boundaries. Stolen kisses make for romantic media fare, but they are signs of weak boundaries and internal conflict around intimacy. Everyone participating has choices and everyone participating is creating the situation. What do you want to be creating and contributing to? Peaceful and fulfilling friendships or more drama?
 
I've done a lot of babysitting/nannying, and I have put kids to bed in the big bed and lain next to them. But never have I ever had the father of those kids climb in with us the spend the rest of the night all together. I could only imagine this happening if I was a strictly platonic friend with this dad, and the kids were between us.

You are looking for trouble. I don't think you should do this.

If you are tired of being one of a harem, go ahead and date other men. Your current bf can get over his territoriality, possessiveness and jealousy. Modern polyamory is a feminist concept, not a patriarchal one. You have every right to date others. But it sounds like a terrible idea to date an unbalanced "broken" person that you used to date when you were addicted to drugs. Move forward, not back, is what I advise.
 
Hello DarkFay92,

It seems to me that you have a desire, deep in your heart, to get back together with J. You've already let him get away twice over the years, I don't think you could forgive yourself if you let him get away a third time. You just need to go slow, both because J isn't quite ready for a new relationship at this time, and because K will need time to get used to the idea. Before you make any moves toward J, you owe it to K to confess to him that you still have feelings for J, and that you are thinking about pursuing J.

The kiss J stole, is just the universe's way of alerting you to the fact that you still want to get back together with J. I would not ignore those feelings, I would follow your heart. That is my opinion anyway, I know that the others would disagree.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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