trinogamous relationship curiosity and questions

[Ladygreenbeardmoneypants]

My husband and I are very much in love and are at a fulfilling comfortable place in our relationship. We also have a mutual male friend with whom we have been having regular threesomes. Our friend is moving in and renting the basement from us. We are all looking forward to the closer proximity and I am becoming desirous of what I believe is referred to as a trinogamous relationship? Please forgive my naiveté. Our friend and I share a romantic attachment and attraction, but not one that rivals the enduring love for my husband. However, none of the three of us want to share our sexual lives with anyone else (except maybe our friend, but he isn't currently). Could this currently sexual relationship be the beginnings of something more committed? I would welcome any advice, or sharing of experiences. We all communicate well and would, of course, discuss any changes to the arrangement thoroughly. I would still welcome a candid discussion. I have no other friends or family involved in a similar situation.

 

[BoringGuy]

I think the word trinogamous is stupid, but you can call it barbeque sauce if you want, for all I care.

What you are talking about already has perfectly good terminology using words that already exist and (omg) make sense: polyfidelitous triad- three people who are all having sex together and separately in a relationship which does not allow for any others outside the triad.

Is that it?

 

[Marcus]

I believe is referred to as a trinogamous relationship? Please forgive my naiveté.

If all three of you are romantically and sexually involved with each other, that would be a triad.

If both of them are romantically involved with you, but not each other that is a V or vee.

Either way, if the people involved have some kind of agreement to not seek outside partners that would be "exclusive," "closed," or "poly-fidelitous." I find "poly-fidelitous" to be a term my mouth doesn't want to say, so I just use "closed."

The name is not the important part, but you might as well call it what it is.

Could this currently sexual relationship be the beginnings of something more committed?

Are you asking because you don't know the answer, or is that just some kind of literary segue? If you understand that love is not a scarce resource (it isn't) and have the desire to have the freedom to love more than one (though with a max number of 2, in your situation), then I'd say this sexual partner could become someone you view as a romantic partner. What that means exactly is up to how you view relating romantically.

"Committed" is a word with quite a few applications, but I'm assuming you are going for "long term" when you use it here, though this could be talking about marriage, moving in, having kids, sharing expenses... any number of uses.

 

[aLABiMCpl]

`

Go for it!
If all parties agree and abide, y'all are there, no label needed.
BTW, trinogamous relationship is way less of a mouthful than poly-fidelitous triad. If you like it, use it.​

`

 

[BoringGuy]

I don't know how you figure it's "way less of a mouthful." I counted on my fingers, and they are both eight syllables. Sounds like someone just wants to say the opposite of what someone said just for the sake of saying the opposite of what someone else said. At least I just simply state that the word "trinogamous" bugs me, instead of saying it's "too much of a mouthful."

 

[Natja]

Triad is less of mouthful than both, so use that. Unless, of course, it is actually a vee.

 

[Dirtclustit]

I think I am beginning to understand...

... although you say you don't care what people call things, you obviously do, or else what is the point in all of the comments being centered on the OP not being able to use the term trinogamous?

I understand that some people have put a lot of time and work into devising acceptable terminology, however, language, either written or spoken, cannot be effectively enforced like a modem's compatibility with a specific language can.

And on the off chance that that is what you are trying to do, even if you were honest about attempting to enforce such ridiculous standards, it isn't going to work.

It doesn't matter how much time, energy, and money a person has invested in building a footpath that leads to some place that many people will be travelling on, if they see no point to following the well-thought-out, engineered and highly invested-in path, all it takes is one person to see through the area the path does not go, and if it's more convenient, the rest will follow, which is exactly why smart investors wait until they see what the people will naturally do, and then invest in paving that route, as, if you are not careful, you will be like the ones who fought their entire life for people to travel down their trail to get from the East to West, no matter how much they invested -- and in some cases, no matter how much gov't. support they had -- they found out the hard way it would have been better to not jump the gun, especially if your main concern was not to get as many families to successfully make the trip, but rather how much money could be made in profit, realizing that many will attempt the journey.

Anybody can foresee trends, only an idiot would attempt to control a trend to their specifications and not expect it to blow up in their faces

 

[GalaGirl]

Could this currently sexual relationship be the beginnings of something more committed?

My suggestion is the threeof you could talk this out before he moves in. Do some reading together to find out what it takes, determine what each of your boundaries are, determine what the dealbreakers are for each of you, and that you all actually agree on what kind of open model you are trying to practice.

There are many "hub" pages out there that have many links. Here's one:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

Also, all of you could talk about how you each want to be if/when this all breaks up before he moves in. Does it go back to the "original couple + single friend" or all the way down to "each one single," or "the husband leaves, but she stays with the BF?" or something else? How do you want to be? Do you want to be good exes and friends, or good exes and part ways entirely? Flesh out the breaking-up-well plan, because if you can't talk about it now, when things are good, you sure don't want to be first talking about it if/when things go crazy.

Bf could make sure he maintains enough finances to move out if he needs to bail. He's not gonna want to be homeless any more than you want your UGH ex living with you still if things go haywire.

I hope it actually unfolds well for you guys and you thrive, but you are responsible for your own emergency preparedness, YKWIM?

You increase the odds of success going in well prepared. Going in underprepared or not prepared at all, not so much.

GL,
Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Triad is less of mouthful than both, so use that, unless, of course, it is actually a vee.

Or one could abbreviate to poly-fi triad, unless of course, the bf does get another partner.

 

[Dirtclustit]

Whoops! Was that a little a harsh?

Maybe I should have just said that whatever distinguished committee spent so much time pontificating on the terms and their strict definitions, maybe they could have, in all their brilliance, thought about the situations wherein the two women in the three configuration weren't bi, or are, but are not sexually attracted to each other, yet, for whatever reason, remain in a triad-like configuration, much less Vee-like, because they are capable of treating each other with love and respect, but are not sexual.

Some couples may get sick of "unicorn hunter" brand as one size fits all, especially when, in reality, this highly-esteemed committee of enlightened free-thinkers really only have two piles they sort couples into: Vee or not, to Vee, which is unicorn hunter.

AKA, if you have no helpless pet to kick at home, the logical choice to get out all of your frustration when you have a reputation to uphold as being role-model poly (which sometimes is code for "I blow my stack when and where others can't see, but rest assured I have a grip on you" yo, word. *bing!*

 

[BoringGuy]

If you could read your mind...

...it would be a book. It would be ON PAPER, but not just ANY paper. ACID FREE PAPER. Oh man. You cannot know how good it feels to finally get that out there.

 

[Ladygreenbeardmoneypants]

Vocabulary debacle aside, thanks everybody.

Thanks to everyone that actually shared some legitimate advice.

Yes, any discussions are taking place before he moves in.

Yes, the exit plan is clear and everyone knows it.

Yes he remains financially independent, etc.

Sorry everybody got hung up on the vocabulary. The label, or title, is of zero importance to me, beyond having tried to communicate what was going on here.

By committed, I meant committed to not sleeping with other people.

I appreciate the feedback. We're just going to continue to talk to and respect each other and enjoy our lives.

I guess I was hoping to hear if anyone had experience with a more involved (romantic, committed, etc.) relationship growing out of a similar situation. Thanks. We'll see how it goes.

 

[Dagferi]

The reason people are hung up on vocabulary is because it will give an accurate picture of your relationship dynamic.

For example, if I described my relationships as a triad, then it would mean I have sex with both of my men, and there would be threesomes, and that the guys would have sex together. But my relationship is actually a vee, with me as the hinge. I have a separate but equal relationship with both men.

I split my time as close to 50/50 as I can, but my boyfriends' schedule is a bitch. They get along as acquaintances, and that's it.

My husband explored poly a bit, but has decided that he is, for the most part, mono. He can do BDSM play with others, but has no interest in romantic partners.

My boyfriend is 100% mono. He has no interest in other women. He fell hard for me and decided he wanted me in his life, despite the fact I am married.

I have no urge for more partners. So the exact wording used for my situation is a closed vee or poly-fi vee.

 

[Marcus]

Sorry, everybody got hung up on the vocabulary. The label, or title, is of zero importance to me beyond having tried to communicate what was going on here.

As I understand it, your question was if someone with whom you currently have a sexual relationship, but no terms of exclusivity, can turn into a sexually-exclusive relationship and form a closed vee or triad with you.

The answer is: yes.

All of the other input offered has been blind speculation, because we don't really know what it is you are hoping to get an opinion on. Are there other topics you were hoping we would chime in on?

By committed I meant committed to not sleeping with other people.

"Sexually exclusive." Gotcha.

 

[peabean]

I guess I was hoping to hear if anyone had experience with a more involved (romantic, committed, etc.) relationship growing out of a similar situation. Thanks. We'll see how it goes.

Well, I think I my situation is similar, but it's hard to say, as you haven't described the makeup of the romantic involvement.

Are you all romantically involved? Particularly, are your husband and this other man romantically involved?

If so, then my situation is similar, except I (a woman) am in a triad with my husband and another woman. We do live together, have no outside partners, and our relationship started as casual sex threesomes, but progressed to a romantic level.

Just try to go slow. I know it's difficult when there is all this new sexual/romantic energy going around, but it is crucial that everyone's expectations are clearly laid out and understood. For instance, it was important for us to negotiate how we would deal with outside family once we decided to commit to each other. Of course, when it was just sex, there was no reason to tell our extended family, but once the relationship grew and we wanted to spend holidays together, we had to come to an agreement about how/when to come out to each of our three families.

I'm not sure if you have specific questions, or if there is something particular you are looking to understand, but please feel free to ask.