I need help guys. I am a married woman of six years, together for eight. I have had a girlfriend for almost 17 months, who sleeps with both of us, but she is platonic with my husband. That dynamic is very good for the three of us. My husband and I are very much in love, and we have two daughters together. My girlfriend and I are also in love. That is not the problem. We always agreed, that if another man came along, who was super cool, acceptable of our current relationship, and not a threat to it, that it was completely cool for her to explore a new dynamic outside of her dynamic with my husband and I.
We'd been together solidly for about nine months when she met a man, who lives out of state, he is also poly, and was in a triad himself, for some months. It seemed perfect! I was excited for her! She had spent many years with an abusive man and is generally afraid of men, so the platonic thing with my husband has proven very easy, safe, and beneficial for her growth away from abuse and the like. This new man was also a really good thing for her. He showed her attention that was not negative, and there are no strings, he's basically perfect, if that makes sense.
The bulk of their contact is through text messages. There have been occasional phone calls, and they've seen one another only a handful of times. Not a threat, right?
My problem is this. She was enthralled in the birth of this new dynamic, and she'd explain that it was good for her, she needed it, that she couldn't have that with my husband, because, well, he's my husband. They don't see one another that way. So, for months, I would sit, in her presence, and watch her text back and forth with this new person, and I know it was so exciting. She'd share lots of stuff about their conversation, at first, saying how it'd be awesome to all maybe play one day. So, I felt OK, at times, like she knew I felt a little left out, or cast aside, but she did not really comfort me at all. And it made me feel SUPER uneasy. She'd say, we only text, I never see him, I spend all my time with you. She would say, this is something you'll just have to get used to. She'd say, I care about how you feel, and we can always talk about it. So, things would happen, to incite feelings of jealousy, like, her saying, I have to be able to decide when to respond to him. This is my thing. But she and I would be laying on the bed together, listening to music. I felt like she valued his attention way more than she valued mine, yet she and I were in the same room. We used to have sex, just her and I, all the time. That has definitely slowed down. We still play almost every Saturday night, the three of us. We refer to one another as girlfriends, and it does not feel like she is my girlfriend.
So, my behavior through all this has been less than desirable, I guess.....I have had times where I have been extremely frustrated, really sad, misunderstood, excited for her, super connected to her, in no particular order.
I told her that my problem has never been the existence of him. I have a problem when she is discourteous, and tells me I am being selfish, that I do not want her to have the attention of another man. She says, well, you have a husband, and I have to share him with you.
I am starting to feel a little nutty, and do not know what to do. I feel like I love this woman, and I have never shut her out of anything in my life. Because we have two very young children, 5 & 2, my husband and I sleep upstairs in our bedroom most of the time. When we all play, we sleep together and she sets an alarm to return downstairs before the children wake. We try to be cognizent of avoiding confusing situations concerning the kids. That has always been a very emphasized structure to our triad. I also make sure to spend lots of solo time with her. She is my girlfriend. My husband goes to bed early, so when kids turn in, I spend alone time with her, every night she is at our home. She has a room in our basement, and spent about four months living here, but has been in her own apartment for a little over a month. She still spends about 50% of her time with us. She is very close to my kids, they LOVE her.
Things have come to a head, and we have not spoken in two days. I am sad, and I do not know what to do.
We'd been together solidly for about nine months when she met a man, who lives out of state, he is also poly, and was in a triad himself, for some months. It seemed perfect! I was excited for her! She had spent many years with an abusive man and is generally afraid of men, so the platonic thing with my husband has proven very easy, safe, and beneficial for her growth away from abuse and the like. This new man was also a really good thing for her. He showed her attention that was not negative, and there are no strings, he's basically perfect, if that makes sense.
The bulk of their contact is through text messages. There have been occasional phone calls, and they've seen one another only a handful of times. Not a threat, right?
My problem is this. She was enthralled in the birth of this new dynamic, and she'd explain that it was good for her, she needed it, that she couldn't have that with my husband, because, well, he's my husband. They don't see one another that way. So, for months, I would sit, in her presence, and watch her text back and forth with this new person, and I know it was so exciting. She'd share lots of stuff about their conversation, at first, saying how it'd be awesome to all maybe play one day. So, I felt OK, at times, like she knew I felt a little left out, or cast aside, but she did not really comfort me at all. And it made me feel SUPER uneasy. She'd say, we only text, I never see him, I spend all my time with you. She would say, this is something you'll just have to get used to. She'd say, I care about how you feel, and we can always talk about it. So, things would happen, to incite feelings of jealousy, like, her saying, I have to be able to decide when to respond to him. This is my thing. But she and I would be laying on the bed together, listening to music. I felt like she valued his attention way more than she valued mine, yet she and I were in the same room. We used to have sex, just her and I, all the time. That has definitely slowed down. We still play almost every Saturday night, the three of us. We refer to one another as girlfriends, and it does not feel like she is my girlfriend.
So, my behavior through all this has been less than desirable, I guess.....I have had times where I have been extremely frustrated, really sad, misunderstood, excited for her, super connected to her, in no particular order.
I told her that my problem has never been the existence of him. I have a problem when she is discourteous, and tells me I am being selfish, that I do not want her to have the attention of another man. She says, well, you have a husband, and I have to share him with you.
I am starting to feel a little nutty, and do not know what to do. I feel like I love this woman, and I have never shut her out of anything in my life. Because we have two very young children, 5 & 2, my husband and I sleep upstairs in our bedroom most of the time. When we all play, we sleep together and she sets an alarm to return downstairs before the children wake. We try to be cognizent of avoiding confusing situations concerning the kids. That has always been a very emphasized structure to our triad. I also make sure to spend lots of solo time with her. She is my girlfriend. My husband goes to bed early, so when kids turn in, I spend alone time with her, every night she is at our home. She has a room in our basement, and spent about four months living here, but has been in her own apartment for a little over a month. She still spends about 50% of her time with us. She is very close to my kids, they LOVE her.
Things have come to a head, and we have not spoken in two days. I am sad, and I do not know what to do.
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