Trying not to break my marriage

D

DoraTheExplora

New member
My husband and I have been happily married for 17 years and together for over 20 years. I've never felt so connected and strong in our relationship as I do right now.

We got married and had kids young, and now that they are growing up, I feel like there's space to reclaim ourselves a bit more.

I recently started talking to an old friend who has embraced a more open relationship and it has me intrigued. After some reading and exploring various sites, I've become more and more interested in various aspects of kink, non-monogamy and polyamory. This has come as quite a shock to my poor husband, but he has been brilliantly supportive. We've explored various kinks, met up with another guy (socially for now), and I've chatted with and been on dates with another guy.

I think we've done well with communication up to this point. (Don't get me wrong, it's been HARD, with a lot of raw emotion.) But now, as we approach the point of me actually having sex with someone, he is really struggling.

I'd welcome your experiences/tips for how to move from theory to reality without breaking anyone in the process.
 
It sounds like you have done *some* reading and research, and you're excited to share yourself with others. But your husband is not interested in seeing you share yourself, or to share sex/romance with someone else?

Most formerly mono couples who decide to open do at least one year of research, together, before actually starting to date.

You may be jumping the gun a bit. There's no fire, no emergency. When you open a marriage, the old relationship literally dies, while a new one forms. Most people have to take time to grieve the ending of the old relationship, even while being excited about the new phase.

We have a great list of resources as a sticky at the top of this forum. Please check it out.


Take your time. Things might get bad if you rush.
 
Magdlyn said:
It sounds like you have done *some* reading and research, and you're excited to share yourself with others. But your husband is not interested in seeing you share yourself, or to share sex/romance with someone else? Most formely mono couples who decide to open do at least one year of research, together, before actually starting to date.

You may be jumping the gun a bit. There's no fire, no emergency. When you open a marriage, the old relationship literally dies while a new one forms. Most people have to take time to grieve the ending of the old relationship, even while being excited about the new phase.

We have a great list of resources as a sticky at the top of this forum. Please check it out.


Take your time. Things might get bad if you rush.
Click to expand...
Thank you, I'll take a look. I should have said that we are about 6 months into talking, researching, etc.

I will absolutely take on board the comments about maybe being a bit overly-excited. I do recognise that in myself and am working to adjust that, so it's a helpful reminder.
 
Hello DoraTheExplora,

17 years (twenty years together) is a long time to be married, and it has been a happy marriage that whole time. You must not let that fall apart, you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way except for this one little thing. The one little thing is polyamory, and it isn't little at all. It is one big thing. It is a whole bunch of big things. You have realized that polyamory is a fundamental part of who you are, and your husband can't stand to let you have it. This is selfish of him, he needs to accept you for who you are.

It might help if your husband could examine himself more closely, and figure out exactly/specifically what he is afraid of. In poly, men usually struggle more with their wives having sex with other men, while women usually struggle more with their husbands falling in love with other women. If your husband falls in love with another woman, will you be able to cope with that? What will you need, to be able to cope with that? Your answer may give you some insight about what your husband needs. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Are you and your husband going on joint dates with other guys? Does your husband actually want to do that? Like, is he bi, interested in MFM threesomes, etc.?

Poly people usually go on dates alone and form individual, separate relationships. It's very hard to date as a couple.
 
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