Trying to push into poly...

[Alexis8]

So it has (apparently) been 8 months since I posted this discussion about my difficulty with being primarily mono with a partner who is poly (but only sexually).
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=83359
if you wanted it

To catch up, two girls, 21 and 30 (a sadly immature 30 year old and a terrifyingly mature 21 year old) and we're coming up on two years together.
Since the time of that post 8 months ago, not much has happened on this front. She's spoken about it a couple times, she hardly talks about it, and she hasn't brought it up in months.

I feel sure that its probably killing her but she's hiding it for my sake. For the record, I told her, in no uncertain terms, she is 100% allowed to have sex with who she wants (with some reasonable restrictions like evil ex's etc.). But she asked if it would hurt me if she did, and I had to be honest and say yes. So she refuses to do it.

I cant help but wonder how much happier she might be if I wasn't stifling her. She's said that she would leave behind being poly in order to be with me. But how is that fair of me?

She wont do anything because she fears hurting me so I need to do something.

Im sexually adventurous and I could imagine certain scenarios involving three (or more...) of us (but both my partner and I) that could be fun. It sounds silly but Im trying really hard to try and ease my brain into the idea of how it could even be ok if it was just one of us and someone else together. But I admit Im having a tough time making that leap.

So what should I do? I feel a little weird as the much more mono one seeking out the poly stuff but if I dont do this for her...it might break her forever. How should I take those next steps, hopefully for the sake of god baby steps, into this? As I said, Im adventurous and wouldnt mind a third person joining us equally but this is very unfamiliar territory for me. While Ive had a couple multi-partner experiences Im in totally unfamiliar waters.

She's said, in conversations about this before that maybe just having a sexually open relationship with another person brougth in with the two of us might be enough. I fear that may have been a bit of brovado to try to make me feel better at the time, but at the very least I need to do this much. So how the hell should I start??

Thank you all. I havent posted on here much, but you guys have kind of been a life line to me and I appreciate it.

A

 

[vinsanity0]

I just read your other thread. It sounds like your partner is polysexual, not polyamorous. It shouldn't be too hard to find a third person to have some recreational sex with.

You should be doing this because you want to. There's not much fun in doing something if you have to struggle with it. Threesomes can be lots of fun, but some people don't like seeing their partner having sex with someone else. Also, some people fall into a trap of trying to keep a running tally instead of just enjoying the moment. What I mean by that is along the lines of, "oh, she touched her there 5 times and me only 4."

If you decide to go through with it, have fun.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I cant help but wonder how much happier she might be if I wasn't stifling her.

You are not stifling her if she chooses to refrain. If you were stifling her, she could break up with you and move on.

I wonder why you talk as though you are spoiling her good time or something? You aren't.

She's said that she would leave behind being poly in order to be with me.

So that's her choice. Be ok with it.

But how is that fair of me?

You don't think it is fair for her to make her own choices in her life?

You aren't holding a gun to her head.

I feel a little weird as the much more mono one seeking out the poly stuff but if I dont do this for her...it might break her forever.

I think you could let her make her own choices herself. Instead of trying to "manage her stuff for her" or something. That's would be stepping on toes to me. She's not a child or a dependent where you have to be deciding things for her.

It's almost like you are making a problem where there isn't one.

If she's "breaking" it is her responsibility to say "I cannot do this any more. We have to break up."

Or if you see her struggling and saying nothing you can say "I see you struggling and saying nothing. We have to break up."

You are NOT obligated to do sex stuff you do not want just to keep it going artificially. That's a path to feeling yucky and maybe resenting her.

She's said, in conversations about this before that maybe just having a sexually open relationship with another person brougth in with the two of us might be enough. I fear that may have been a bit of brovado to try to make me feel better at the time, but at the very least I need to do this much. So how the hell should I start??

You could start by realizing that you are not obligated to do group sex with her to please her. If it sounds unappealing to you? Don't do it. Your body belongs to YOU.

At this time your agreements state that she is free to seek other sex partners. So if she wants to do that or find group sex elsewhere -- she is free to do so. Yeah, you might be a little hurt by it at first, but you seem willing to pay the cost of admission. You are being up front and honest. You are willing to adjust to all that and do that work.

So if she decides she does not want to exercise that freedom? That is her choice. She could not blame her inaction on you. She could not try to get you to do sex stuff you aren't excited about doing when she can go do it on her own.

Again... why are you not ok with her making her own choices?

I think you could remind her again that she's free to have other sex partners and to go ahead. You are willing to handle it if she goes there. It will take some getting used to but you are willing to do that transitional work. That's all you need to offer. You don't also have offer doing sex things you don't want to be doing.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Alexis8,

I am thinking that the way to experience poly without hurting is to get some practice. That is, you need your partner to go out and have some outside sexual experiences, and you need to experience a certain amount of pain before you can get over it. It's like working out. Your muscles have to hurt for awhile before they can grow stronger.

So maybe that is something to point out to your partner. Maybe she would be willing to change her mind about seeing other people. The thing is, if she doesn't change her mind, that is her decision to make. You are doing the best you can.

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is not uncommon at all for a poly (amorous or sexual) person to choose to be mono for a while when they find a new partner who is satisfying them emotionally and sexually. They can lose motivation to date others when they are currently satisfied with one.

In your case it sounds like, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Meanwhile, if you are obsessively worrying about your possible future jealousy should she eventually seek and find a play partner, you can read here or on morethantwo.com, or the book More Than Two, or the book Opening Up, on how to manage jealousy and work through it. Then you will have theoretical information about this issue, for if and when it is necessary for you to actually manage it.

Having threesomes is not a magic pill to rid oneself of jealousy. It could actually increase it. As others have said, having group sex with your gf and another person, could trigger you and actually be worse for you than having your gf go off and have recreational sex with another person.

 

[Alexis8]

Thank you everyone for the responses. You all really help give me some insight.

Let me clarify one thing. Group sex is something I have an interest in too. We're both sub, we've both expressed an interest in playing out some fantasies together.

But maybe, as some of you have suggested. This isnt necessarily the way to prepare myself for her seeing someone on her own.


I also think a few of you are right in that maybe Im trying to make too many decisions for her. She's just such an amazing girl, so unbelievably caring, and loves me so much that I fear she would do anything for me, including sacrificing her own happiness. I care about her and I care about her compromising herself for me. I fear she does it far more than she lets on. But you're still right. She is an adult (and a damn smart one too, dont F with a girl with a 200 IQ), she can make her own decisions. Its not that I dont trust her (exactly the opposite), rather that we all do stupid things when we're in love sometimes, often to our detriment and I couldnt help but worry that as her S/O maybe its my responsibility to help her from making a mistake. But its easy for me to worry too much and its easy for me to want to control too much, so youve probably got a point. =)

Thank you all
A

 

[Magdlyn]

I can see if both of you are subs, you'd each maybe want a Dom/me. My gf and I are in this arrangement. She's a sub, I am a switch with current tendencies to feel subby. We both date men, and we both have a Dom bf. 2 different guys! Since we both want/need to be dominated in different ways.

Of course, you could play at a kink club, maybe both scene with the same Dom/me, if you find someone interested in Topping 2 subs, just for the kink experience. This might work well if you found a nice experienced D.