Two monos and a poly walked into a pub...

What are you ashamed of?

HELLOOOOO! This is going super fucking fast and you think you should not have emotions? I am damned impressed that you would chose to share this REALLY HARD STUFF with us! You are doing great and really should keep at it the way you are. I hope you are like this with them when you get together. The stuff you talk about here is so important. It shows you are real and it really affects you. I hope you are expressing your emotions as they come up and as soon as you realize what you need. I hope Vanilla is asking you if she is unsure, and no one is assuming the other knows what is going on for them, or expecting them to guess.

As to the NRE, yeah, there is a lot of sucking it up for appropriate times that has to happen. I remember that, and still do, sometimes. I suck a lot up to be distributed later. ;) It makes it more exciting, anyway.

I have a kid. Parents suck a lot of stuff up and then let loose later. It's a survival technique I have perfected and actually enjoy now. It means that good times are extra GOOD! and I can look forward to stuff. (I always saved my Halloween candy. I think that helped. ;))
 
NYCindie: just a social hanging-out setting, like dinner, watching a movie, etc. Group sex is like waaaaaay into the future, if ever...

Redpepper: What I am ashamed of is my inability to think things through before acting, which ends up just hurting the people I love most. I was considering deleting this thread, but I'm leaving it with a permanent link on my bookmarks to remind me how NOT to post. :)

My revised poll would be:
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Hi, I'm having big problems expressing my needs when it comes to group settings (non-sexual) with my partner and her new boyfriend. In a way, I want them to act the way they want (NRE), but I know that's too much for me to handle. So, I'm wondering, how do you guys do social settings? What rules of conduct did you apply?
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Without priming the reader with my side of the story, just a mashup of nothingness.

One good thing came out of this, though. Last night I wrote my own draft for a 5-step plan for planned social gatherings, leading up to "full freedom."
 
I was wondering what you think "full freedom" in social settings is?

I mean, if they were with a bunch of friends, those friends would probably get annoyed if they started sucking face and being all NRE oozy on everything and everyone.

So you shouldn't feel bad, imo, if even later you request that they restrain themselves. Would you want to watch any of your friends grope each other in a group setting? (Not saying they do these things, just making an example.)
 
Yeah, this full freedom idea--

Can you watch them make out and feel okay?

Can you watch them feel each other up?

Can you watch them actually fuck?

Can you actually have threeway sex?

The last scenario is "full" freedom, seems to me.
 
Magdlyn: the answer to all of your questions are no.

I have pushed for group settings (non-sexual, just dinner, movie, etc.) for many reasons, mostly wrong, some too soon.

I made Vanilla and Jake look like bastards in this thread, and it couldn't be further from the truth. I am the one who's called for the group things, I am the one who's told her it's okay to do this and that. In short, I have said what I think I can be okay with in the future is okay now. And it's not. Thank the gods that Vanilla is smarter than me, and actually knows me well enough to read my face and voice instead of the words.

Biggest problem with the group settings is that they haven't happened before, and I've tried implementing something NEW, in addition to actually working on accepting what's happening in the first place.

Re-reading my own life rules for this, two pop out immediately:
- Don't rush things; don't push them or yourself into anything; things will evolve in due time.
- Don't say anything you're not CERTAIN is true.

The last one is confusing, because something might SEEM true at the time. But I will have to start writing things down, every thought, every bright idea I have, and analyze them properly an hour later. :)

Vanilla is the most amazing, wonderful, awesome and loving person I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with, and if I hadn't already disassembled the pedestal, I would have put her back on it. :)
 
ClosetPoly said:
- Don't say anything you're not CERTAIN of is true.
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I don't see how anyone can do this with certainty. I have a hard time accepting that anyone can truly predict their emotional response to a situation they have not actually experienced. To me it's like saying "have sex but don't fall in love." You're asking someone to give you a guarantee of how they will react.

I've said lots of things with the belief that I knew how I would respond. After the fact, my reaction was not what I had predicted. So I guess I could fake an artificial response, but open communication is not about hiding things, so why would I?

Instead of saying I know I will react this way, just say you think you'll react a certain way. Don't make promises or guesses about the unknown, because you could be setting up your partner or yourself.
 
An excellent point, my good sir. Allow me to rephrase:
I won't say anything I'm not certain about how I THINK I will react. :)
 
Discombobulated

ClosetPoly said:
...My main fault ...
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Hi ClosetPoly. I'm so glad you posted. Do please find another way other than "fault" to talk about yourself. Maybe "effort." Maybe "confusion." Maybe "discombobulation." Hey, that's a good word; why don't we use it anymore?? :)

You are working hard, doing your best. Give yourself credit for it.

I remember my first whirlwind of emotions around polyamory. It was like being swept along in raging floodwaters beyond my control. I knew it wouldn't last forever. I managed best when I told my logical mind to settle in for the long haul and enjoy the wild ride for the experience that it could give me. And whoa, what a ride it was!

Set boundaries.
Say, "I'm scared" when you need to.
Say, "I need reassurance."
Say, "I need some time with my buddy, just the two of us."
Say, "All these things are okay, because it takes time."

I encourage you to write in a journal. You can go back to it in a month or six months. It will help. I wrote in a journal during my whirlwind ride these many years ago.

Keep posting here. We're glad you're here.
 
Thanks, Jasmine. I have no idea why no one uses discombobulated anymore. It's a VERY good word for what I feel. :)

Vanilla is very good at reassuring me, and this has already brought us closer, only a month in from the start. I definitely have a whole new level of appreciation for her, and she knows better than ever how important she is to me. Even after 13 amazing years, I realise now that we had stagnated, emotionally, and this has been such a wake-up call for me.

I know that this will indeed be a long haul, and I hope I can see it through. I really do.

We have established some good boundaries on how they will act around me and in public, but they have no boundaries when they are together alone. I have chosen to not apply boundaries to their relationship, but I have re-established my own. And yes, I have started saying all of those things, and sort of keeping a written summary of how I feel, when I "feel" things, but I think I will start an actual diary. Thank you! :)
 
I may be a little late posting here but here's my two cents. I'm currently part of a quad that is made up of two married couples. My husband and I were friends with our other couple for quite awhile before all this began almost 8 months ago. We have children that are close in age and hung out at each other's houses for play dates, dinner, etc., beforehand.

When we started being intimate things really got out of whack. We found that we were all wrapped up in NRE any time the four of us got together, and we ended up ignoring our spouses, and people were getting their feelings hurt. We decided to plan weekly time for each of the secondary couples to try and alleviate the NRE and give each relationship its own time. This really filled a lot of our needs, so we were able to focus the time we spent all together more as a family. We have had our dry spells, but we try to make sure we all get together and have dinner as a family at least once a week. For special occasions, such as birthdays and other parties, we all go out together.

We currently do not show any signs of affection to our secondary partners when we are around our spouses. This is mainly because my boyfriend has been very slow to progress with things and we try to go at his speed. We have talked about being able to be more open in the future, but it is what it is right now.

My husband's girlfriend did slip the other night and gave my husband a kiss in front of me during a silly argument. She apologized. I thought I would have had a hard time seeing it, but I was actually good with it. I guess it is a good thing in the big picture.

I do have to say, though, that having to control all impulses to casually touch or kiss my boyfriend when we are all together can be pretty hard. I have to assume it is just hard for the rest of them, as well. But it makes the time when we are able to catch up with each other even more worth it. :D
 
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Thanks for your input, Overthinker! I realise that it must be very hard for them not to kiss or cling like they want to, when around me, but that's just the way it has to be for a while. I have to be able to look at myself in a mirror and say that it's acceptable for my partner to have a boyfriend, and actually FEEL it's true, before I can move on to any all-togetherness.
 
And I think it is totally acceptable for it to be that way for a while. We've been doing this for almost 8 months and we still don't show any affection... and that is OK for us now. Who knows how long it will take to move to another level of openness for us and for your situation? One lesson from the forums that I have really tried to embrace it to move at the speed of the slowest person. That advice is great for full poly relationships, as well as your own, with you being mono. I think as long as the communication stays open, your partner will respect your boundaries and what you are comfortable with.
 
Overthinker said:
And I think it is totallly acceptable for it to be that way for a while. We've been doing this for almost 8 months and we still don't show any affection....and that is OK for us now.
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Uhm, just to clarify, when you say "we still don't show any affection," that's around your primary partner, right? You still have a full relationship with your OSO when alone? I.e., the boundaries are for public display and with your primaries, not in your actual relationship?
 
ClosetPoly said:
And if this is gonna work for all of us, I have to man up and be "selfish" enough to say what I feel, not what I think I want to feel.
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I just want to chime in how amazing I think you are. My husband has been actively poly for most of the last 25 years now, and he still hasn't gotten a grasp on being selfish enough to say what he feels, instead of what he thinks I want to hear.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Not sure if you want to explore poly yourself at some point or not, but if you choose not to, it seems like you're going to handle everything pretty damn reasonably anyway, without the distraction of your NRE to keep you from worrying about their NRE.
 
Anneintherain said:
I just want to chime in how amazing I think you are. My husband has been actively poly for most of the last 25 years now, and he still hasn't gotten a grasp on being selfish enough to say what he feels, instead of what he thinks I want to hear.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Not sure if you want to explore poly yourself at some point or not, but if you choose not to, it seems like you're going to handle everything pretty damn reasonably anyway, without the distraction of your NRE to keep you from worrying about their NRE.
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Wellll, don't give me a prize just yet. I am not in any kind of happy place yet. It's such a massive change in my life, in our lives, that it'll take me quite some time to accept them all, if I even can. And besides, until the NRE has calmed down, it's hard to trust things Jake tells me. I think he's starting to realise how fantastic Vanilla really is, and has admitted that he can see it a difficult task to only have a part of her. But time will tell.

I must admit, I am worried that along the way of "handling" this, I will end up pushing myself away from my partner.
 
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ClosetPoly said:
When you say "we still don't show any affection," that's around your primary partner, right? You still have a full relationship with your OSO when alone? I.e., the boundaries are for public display and with your primaries, not in your actual relationship?
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That's right. Unless we are alone with our OSOs, you wouldn't know anything. But, we do have some boundaries on our alone time, as well. We usually have one night a week where there are no boundaries, but there are also other sporadic times when we will go for a drink or stop by each other's house and talk for a little bit while our spouses are not there. During those times it's pretty much hands-off. We have agreed that we can maybe have a goodbye hug and kiss, if the kids aren't around. This helps everyone's minds from running amuck all the time. Now, with time, I think we would like to change that boundary as well, and let each couple do their own thing whenever, but I think we are far from everyone being comfortable with that.

I also want to commend you for being as open as you have been. I understand your concern with pushing yourself away from your partner with "handling" the situation. Although my husband and I are both in this situation as polyamorous people, there have been some very rough times for each of us along the way, and I know it's not the end of them. I have found myself okay one moment, and literally out of my mind freaking out about it the next. There have been times where I thought my husband and I were at an excellent place in openness, just for me to have a meltdown that has resulted in my husband's wanting to shut down and take steps backwards. It definitely has kind of been of a dance with back and forth and up and down, but being open with all of our insecurities has really helped us be able to accept and embrace our situation.

Good luck!
 
Thank for your kind words! *hugs*

Best of luck in your relationships. It sounds like you've got something really good. I definitely see your need for boundaries and rules when there are children involved. I understand you guys have been doing this for a while now.

For us, it's only been 3 weeks, roughly, and the only boundaries left are the ones for when we are together, all of us. They can kiss each other hello, and get some alone time when he leaves, but other than that, they act as friends around me. When they are together alone, I don't really care what they do. I accepted weeks ago that she "acquired" him as a boyfriend, that truly deep emotions are already in place. I didn't see the point of controlling any actions they do.

On that point, she literally just left to spend their first night together at his place. I am surprisingly zen about it, so far. I went through my emotions earlier today, at work, following the jealousy handout pdf, and I wrote down all I felt about her leaving-- abandonment, inadequacy, left out, blah blah, and started proving them wrong. But then I realised that I was only feeding each one more. Towards the end of the pdf, she points out that you have another option, training your general security and self-confidence, and that's what I started doing.

Ironically, I am the *safest* person in this situation. With my trust for Vanilla's feelings towards me, nothing can harm me but myself, with whatever weapon I choose. So I chose something else. :) I am letting my confidence and trust in our relationship carry me through this barrier, as it did previously, and hopefully will in future. And then I'll choose to handle whatever demon rears its head tomorrow.

We have made a rather nice ritual of their alone time now. He picks her up, and takes her back to his place, and then I pick her up later, or in this case, the next day. The glow on her face when she comes out the door and sees me is just fantastic, and it really makes me feel loved and secure.

Yikes, seven pm, time for workout, dog walk, friend coming over at 9, movie and moral support, then bed and pharmaceutical candy for sleeping, then I get to pick up my Baby again! Yay! Smartest thing I've ever done was to actually ask my physician for something to help me sleep. That, and this forum, have really saved me in coping with this.

Thanks all!
 
*hugs*
 
Brief update, mostly for my own sake, so I remember what I feel. I just got a lovely good-night SMS from Vanilla, and it made me happy. I feel very lonely right now, but so far, I'm managing to separate the loneliness from the real issue, that she is spending her first night with Jake. I wouldn't say I'm calm, but I can't seem to grab hold of any strong emotions either... Hopefully I've managed to actually realise that the physical relationship is not a threat, considering the emotional connection was super-strong from the start. She won't fall more in love with him because of this. If anything, she's most likely even more grateful to me.

Love works in such a mysterious way. If someone had told me two years ago that today I would be spending the night alone, because Vanilla was spending the night with so and so, I would've laughed. Now I'm not laughing, but lo and behold, I'm not crying either. Gods, could I be... is it possible that am I being mature about this?? :)
 
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