two primaries, one partner is sad and lonely when I'm w/the other

L

lilyankh

New member
I have two primaries, my husband and my boyfriend.

My husband is very busy and works a lot. I don't get much time with him during the week at all, but he is always free on Saturdays, so he gets most of that day and night with me.

Then there is my boyfriend. He has a lot of free time. We spend a lot of time together throughout the week. Nevertheless, when I am with my husband, my boyfriend struggles. Especially at night, he gets sad and lonely. My boyfriend is very new to the poly concept, and while he wants to be with me/us, he still struggles sharing me.

He is from another country. English is his second language. He can't drive and he doesn't have many friends. As you can see, that makes typical solutions to this problem difficult for him.

What can I do to help? What can I suggest for him to do? Are there any threads on this?

--New poly fem hinge w/2 str8 males
 
Something like this might be good for me to pass on to Primal. Peaseblossum has problems being without him any time he has plans with me or Lamian because her primary partner isn't able to spend all the time she wants with him.

So any advice that I could pass on to her to hopefully make things easier for her will be better for everyone (mainly her and Primal especially if it lowers their fights over this stuff).
 
How long have you been with your two men?

Your bf has a learning curve about keeping busy while his poly gf is with another. Does he feel envious of your husband? If he's only been with you a few weeks/months, he is probably experiencing "new relationship energy" (NRE), which makes people feel driven to spend as much time as possible with their new lover. NRE lasts from six months to two years.

It's on him to distract himself that one night a week he can't be with you! Make friends, work out, get a part time job, volunteer, get a new hobby, etc., anything intense enough to be a solid distraction.

Compersion can grow out of jealousy/envy, but it can take time.

I hope he doesn't feel in competition with your husband and make any cowboy moves to get you all to himself.
 
If he is sad because he is lonely, and he doesn't speak the language well, or drive well yet, and has not made new friends yet because he's new in the country, would it be possible to take a language course or driving class? Could making some new friends help? He could even see if the class is offered on a Saturday night.

If the sadness is stemming from jealousy, maybe something here might help.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22389

You can encourage him and be supportive, but he could own his own feelings. Then he could change his own behavior in order to feel something new. If what he's doing right now on Saturdays is magnifying his sad and lonely feelings, well, he could change his behavior and see if he feels better.

Does he have suggestions to offer for solving this himself when you talk to him? Or is he laying it all on you to solve?
 
I have been with my husband for five years, married for three. I have been with my boyfriend for about nine months. I don’t think he is jealous. He is more just lonely and sad he can’t have me all the time, as he could if he were in a monogamous relationship. He was not poly until he fell in love with me and I told him it was the only way he could be with me.

My husband and I are his only friends

My boyfriend is not here legally, so he does not drive at all. And he is shy speaking English in social situations. He does take English classes, but they are all in the morning.

Last Saturday was really hard for him, so I will have to talk to him about it before this Saturday. He is alone other nights too, but has work and other things to distract him. Saturdays are just so long and event-less for him. I think that makes it harder.

I just wanted to see if any of you guys had dealt with this same issue.
 
When in this new romance did you decide on co-primary status? I assume when you decided upon this status change with both men is when the Saturday day/night dates with hubby were inked in and the issues of timesharing were hammered out and agreed to. With being a primary or co-primary comes the burden and responsibility of handling time splits.

Have you thought to suggest your bf date others on those nights? (Saturday night is a natural date night.) People here will testify that there's nothing like a hot date to distract you from what someone else is doing.
 
So I gather he may be monogamous and not poly?

I once started a relationship with a long-term friend, who was going to move from Canada to Washington State, and move in with my then husband and me. It would've had the potential to be a co-primary situation, but it was only under the agreement that he would be dating others, too. I had no desire to be his only partner and be "responsible" for meeting all of his sexual and other needs.

He said he would... and said he would... but he didn't, and it became pretty clear he wasn't going to. He was actually monogamous. He admitted later that he was attempting to be polyamorous just so he could be involved with me, which is fine, if everybody is aboveboard about what they want, but a disaster when someone isn't being honest.

It's a lot of responsibility to take that on for a long-term relationship, a responsibility that I had no desire to carry. Have you discussed what it means if your bf is only going to date you forever? I am very glad I got that clear on that with my bf before it came to him moving to another country, and sitting home depressed, while I was off with my other partner.

Is your bf reading books about polyamory, and how to deal with this stuff? Maybe he should post here himself, for more useful advice and help, to figure out what might work for him. Lots of non-native English speakers post here.
 
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My boyfriend is not interested in dating anyone else. He doesn't read English very well. I wish I could find a book in Spanish about polyamory. Part of the issue is that he is new to the poly lifestyle.
 
There are lots of things your boyfriend can do. Meditation is very helpful for clearing the mind and ridding yourself of anxieties and loneliness. Get hobbies, watch movies, read books, join a gym, take dance classes (and then teach you what he's learned), cooking classes (and then make great food for the both of you). He needs to be creative.

It mostly depends on his personality. It sounds like he just needs to get himself out there and get busy. If he's uncomfortable with English, then doing something that requires minimal language skills, like martial arts, might be helpful (and stress relieving).

It sounds like you guys have a great relationship. I wish you all the best.
 
Going without a persons company for one day a week should not be traumatic for a fully-functional adult. He should definitely read some material on polyamory so that he can figure out if he is interested in adjusting his worldview to a degree that would make your arrangement work.

If he doesn't drive, doesn't have friends, has nothing whatsoever to do with his time, he should fix that.

GalaGirl said:
Does he have suggestions to offer for solving this himself when you talk to him, or is he laying it all on you to solve?
Click to expand...

Word. It's nice to look out for your partner, help and guide them whenever you can. However, there's a difference between being a good friend and coddling someone who is putting forward no effort to work through their own issues. I don't know that this is the issue here, but it bears considering.
 
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