WarMan
Member
Hey folks, after encouragement from my girlfriend, Bluebird, and a few other insightful posters on this site, I've decided to keep a record of my trip into poly-land. Reader beware. If you know me, please know that I am going to be absolutely honest here, and you may not always like what you read. Read with caution, and maybe not at all.
The backstory:
I grew up Mormon. Served a 2 year mission in South America, came back, went to BYU and got married. Had 2 kids not long after. Struggled constantly with bi-polar disorder. I started to doubt the church, and after I looked a little I realized that I didn't believe anymore. I left the church, the only one in my family to do so for generations. My family was outraged, my wife distraught. My bi-polar got worse, my wife didn't care, and didn't want to help. I realized that she was in this for the life-style I gave her, and not for love of me. I told her we were done. She left to go live with my parents 3 hours away and took the kids with her. My company was purchased, and all of us were laid off less than 2 weeks later. I was suddenly jobless, and without friends or family, having been essentially disowned. A close friend of mine, who I'll call Monkey (it's short for Monkey Town, a description of her thought processes) said "We have an attached apartment and it's empty. Want to come live here for a while until you figure things out?" I did. I gave my brother power of attorney to sell my house and extra car, then drove to Pennsylvania. Monkey and her husband R were great to me, and supported me (with help from unemployment $ and 401k $) while I searched for a job for 10 months. They also supported me when I went crazy and crashed and burned from my bi-polar. They cared for me during my recovery and treatment. During this time, Monkey and I got closer and closer, and eventually we realized we might want a relationship. Monkey had been Poly before she met R and when he insisted that she be mono, she agreed. We approached her husband R about the 3 of us being poly, with her as the hinge. He said "no", Monkey having sex with someone else was the one barrier he could not cross. We respected his wishes and have stayed close friends since. We are very close, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, spend lots of time together, but we have a very strict "Do not turn the other person on" rule, which we both enforce. Over time, our relationship has turned more platonic. For the last decade I've been dating on and off. The longest relationship was 8 months also the most recent, we'll call her "Red". MANY first and second dates that never went to a 3rd. Some lasted a few months. None of them were right. I had made a major mistake once, marrying someone who wasn't right for me. I wasn't going to do it again. As time passed I became more and more sure that what I was looking for, just didn't exist. I spent my weekends with Monkey, and only dated when I was approached by someone. I was getting myself resigned to turning 40 alone and just giving up.
Then suddenly, everything changed. I met a girl at an online dating site. Bluebird. After exchanging a few messages back and forth, her father died, and she left the dating site, deactivated her account after telling me that she needed space and time. I was so disappointed, but I understood, so I wished her the best and said if I saw her again I would message. I really wasn't sure that I'd ever see her again. I dated a couple of girls, 3 or 4 dates each, before telling them that we weren't right for each other. Months went by, then suddenly one day, I saw her profile light up again on the dating site. During the entire time she was gone, I was questioning myself, exploring whether I could be poly, especially in the situation Bluebird was in. Could I really date a woman who already had 2 husbands? After wrestling with it a while I decided that I wanted to try, because talking to Bluebird again, she felt more and more awesome. You can read her posts if you want the detailed version of our early dating life. The cliff notes are that the very first time I saw her I felt a connection, like a magnet moving closer to another, until the forces snap them together. I wanted this girl. Our first date went great.(for me anyway) I LOVED listening to the sound of her voice. On the first date I met BOTH husbands. It was a little weird to see them kissing my date, especially the second time, when it was in front of a room full of people who knew I was Bluebird's poly date, but I found I could deal with it. At the end of our first date she surprised me by kissing me, and after a few dates more, stunned me by asking if I'd like to be her boyfriend. I very much did. I sometimes still ask her to say "I'm your girlfriend" or "you're my boyfriend" because it just makes me happy to hear her voice saying it.
Bluebird has been a revelation to me. A girl who doesn't need anything I have, but wants me anyway. Someone who expresses herself clearly and calmly and above all, honestly in all things, and listens when I do the same. When I'm with her I feel seen and heard and understood. She is someone who examines her feelings and their causes. Someone who actively works on her relationships. On top of that, I'm crazy attracted to her, to her shape, her eyes and her smile. She's wicked smart, clever and quick witted. Whenever I'm with her we have good conversations, fascinating and illuminating talks. When I'm with her I never wish I was anywhere else. The other day I realized that part of the reason I'm so crazy about her, is that when I'm with her, I feel like THIS is what a relationship should be like, and should feel like. For someone like me, she's like a cool oasis in the endless desert. Last but maybe not least, sex with her is better than eating your favorite ice-cream w Jesus on a roller coaster made of blowjobs. Just...amazing. She's so sex positive and DTF! Never been with anyone I mesh with so well.
That being said, it hasn't been all smooth sailing. I'm discovering that being poly means you have to pull out into the light parts of you which aren't pretty sometimes. You have to drag them out, examine them in detail (and often in front of people you love) and find a way to kill or deal with them. Jealousy. Envy. Assumptions. There is so much new self-examination that sometimes it's overwhelming. I've rarely been more disappointed in myself, in my feelings and reactions. Luckily for me, Bluebird is patient, and kind and she really loves me. When I make a mistake, offend, or otherwise fuck shit up, she patiently talks it out with me. We make it work. I've had to dig into my own heart more than at any time in my life, save for when I left the church and my wife. Sometimes it's exhausting. Exploring poly means that I have to deal with ugly emotions that often stay hidden in Mono relationships. I'm finding that regardless of how things turn out with me and Bluebird, I'm going to be a better person for having been with her. I already am.
So, that's the backstory for context. Sorry for the huge wall of text, I made it as succinct as I could.
Tonight is my date night. Bluebird came over last night, and we went out to dinner. We had a long talk about recent events. Punkrock, her husband, was worried about her, specifically about me taking advantage of her. This is the 3rd or forth time that he has objected to some aspect of her dating me. They always work it out in the end, and he's OK with it, but it keeps coming up and it worries me. Ever since I started dating Bluebird, Punkrock has really turned up the heat for her. More sex, more flirting, more requests for time and attention, more activities. I think what's happening is that my presence has reminded him of what a good thing he has. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I try hard to feel compersion for Bluebird, I can see how happy the extra attention is making her. However, I can't help but feel I'm being "competed" with sometimes. I offered Bluebird a chance to take a "break" from us, that I would wait for her for a while so that she could work things out with Punkrock for real. It was meant as a "I love you enough to do something I don't want (take a break) so that you can fix things and be happier." Instead it came through to her as "I'm ready to cut and run because you had to have a discussion about dating with your husband." Basically, it was me expressing myself poorly, and reacting to a situation that didn't need a reaction.
I apologized to Bluebird, tried hard to explain myself and in the end, I think she understood what I meant, and that I did NOT want to cut and run at all. It wasn't really a pleasant talk, but with Bluebird, even unpleasant talks feel good in that they are productive, and bring about positive change. This is just one of the things that I love about her. Continued in part 2...
The backstory:
I grew up Mormon. Served a 2 year mission in South America, came back, went to BYU and got married. Had 2 kids not long after. Struggled constantly with bi-polar disorder. I started to doubt the church, and after I looked a little I realized that I didn't believe anymore. I left the church, the only one in my family to do so for generations. My family was outraged, my wife distraught. My bi-polar got worse, my wife didn't care, and didn't want to help. I realized that she was in this for the life-style I gave her, and not for love of me. I told her we were done. She left to go live with my parents 3 hours away and took the kids with her. My company was purchased, and all of us were laid off less than 2 weeks later. I was suddenly jobless, and without friends or family, having been essentially disowned. A close friend of mine, who I'll call Monkey (it's short for Monkey Town, a description of her thought processes) said "We have an attached apartment and it's empty. Want to come live here for a while until you figure things out?" I did. I gave my brother power of attorney to sell my house and extra car, then drove to Pennsylvania. Monkey and her husband R were great to me, and supported me (with help from unemployment $ and 401k $) while I searched for a job for 10 months. They also supported me when I went crazy and crashed and burned from my bi-polar. They cared for me during my recovery and treatment. During this time, Monkey and I got closer and closer, and eventually we realized we might want a relationship. Monkey had been Poly before she met R and when he insisted that she be mono, she agreed. We approached her husband R about the 3 of us being poly, with her as the hinge. He said "no", Monkey having sex with someone else was the one barrier he could not cross. We respected his wishes and have stayed close friends since. We are very close, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, spend lots of time together, but we have a very strict "Do not turn the other person on" rule, which we both enforce. Over time, our relationship has turned more platonic. For the last decade I've been dating on and off. The longest relationship was 8 months also the most recent, we'll call her "Red". MANY first and second dates that never went to a 3rd. Some lasted a few months. None of them were right. I had made a major mistake once, marrying someone who wasn't right for me. I wasn't going to do it again. As time passed I became more and more sure that what I was looking for, just didn't exist. I spent my weekends with Monkey, and only dated when I was approached by someone. I was getting myself resigned to turning 40 alone and just giving up.
Then suddenly, everything changed. I met a girl at an online dating site. Bluebird. After exchanging a few messages back and forth, her father died, and she left the dating site, deactivated her account after telling me that she needed space and time. I was so disappointed, but I understood, so I wished her the best and said if I saw her again I would message. I really wasn't sure that I'd ever see her again. I dated a couple of girls, 3 or 4 dates each, before telling them that we weren't right for each other. Months went by, then suddenly one day, I saw her profile light up again on the dating site. During the entire time she was gone, I was questioning myself, exploring whether I could be poly, especially in the situation Bluebird was in. Could I really date a woman who already had 2 husbands? After wrestling with it a while I decided that I wanted to try, because talking to Bluebird again, she felt more and more awesome. You can read her posts if you want the detailed version of our early dating life. The cliff notes are that the very first time I saw her I felt a connection, like a magnet moving closer to another, until the forces snap them together. I wanted this girl. Our first date went great.(for me anyway) I LOVED listening to the sound of her voice. On the first date I met BOTH husbands. It was a little weird to see them kissing my date, especially the second time, when it was in front of a room full of people who knew I was Bluebird's poly date, but I found I could deal with it. At the end of our first date she surprised me by kissing me, and after a few dates more, stunned me by asking if I'd like to be her boyfriend. I very much did. I sometimes still ask her to say "I'm your girlfriend" or "you're my boyfriend" because it just makes me happy to hear her voice saying it.
Bluebird has been a revelation to me. A girl who doesn't need anything I have, but wants me anyway. Someone who expresses herself clearly and calmly and above all, honestly in all things, and listens when I do the same. When I'm with her I feel seen and heard and understood. She is someone who examines her feelings and their causes. Someone who actively works on her relationships. On top of that, I'm crazy attracted to her, to her shape, her eyes and her smile. She's wicked smart, clever and quick witted. Whenever I'm with her we have good conversations, fascinating and illuminating talks. When I'm with her I never wish I was anywhere else. The other day I realized that part of the reason I'm so crazy about her, is that when I'm with her, I feel like THIS is what a relationship should be like, and should feel like. For someone like me, she's like a cool oasis in the endless desert. Last but maybe not least, sex with her is better than eating your favorite ice-cream w Jesus on a roller coaster made of blowjobs. Just...amazing. She's so sex positive and DTF! Never been with anyone I mesh with so well.
That being said, it hasn't been all smooth sailing. I'm discovering that being poly means you have to pull out into the light parts of you which aren't pretty sometimes. You have to drag them out, examine them in detail (and often in front of people you love) and find a way to kill or deal with them. Jealousy. Envy. Assumptions. There is so much new self-examination that sometimes it's overwhelming. I've rarely been more disappointed in myself, in my feelings and reactions. Luckily for me, Bluebird is patient, and kind and she really loves me. When I make a mistake, offend, or otherwise fuck shit up, she patiently talks it out with me. We make it work. I've had to dig into my own heart more than at any time in my life, save for when I left the church and my wife. Sometimes it's exhausting. Exploring poly means that I have to deal with ugly emotions that often stay hidden in Mono relationships. I'm finding that regardless of how things turn out with me and Bluebird, I'm going to be a better person for having been with her. I already am.
So, that's the backstory for context. Sorry for the huge wall of text, I made it as succinct as I could.
Tonight is my date night. Bluebird came over last night, and we went out to dinner. We had a long talk about recent events. Punkrock, her husband, was worried about her, specifically about me taking advantage of her. This is the 3rd or forth time that he has objected to some aspect of her dating me. They always work it out in the end, and he's OK with it, but it keeps coming up and it worries me. Ever since I started dating Bluebird, Punkrock has really turned up the heat for her. More sex, more flirting, more requests for time and attention, more activities. I think what's happening is that my presence has reminded him of what a good thing he has. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I try hard to feel compersion for Bluebird, I can see how happy the extra attention is making her. However, I can't help but feel I'm being "competed" with sometimes. I offered Bluebird a chance to take a "break" from us, that I would wait for her for a while so that she could work things out with Punkrock for real. It was meant as a "I love you enough to do something I don't want (take a break) so that you can fix things and be happier." Instead it came through to her as "I'm ready to cut and run because you had to have a discussion about dating with your husband." Basically, it was me expressing myself poorly, and reacting to a situation that didn't need a reaction.
I apologized to Bluebird, tried hard to explain myself and in the end, I think she understood what I meant, and that I did NOT want to cut and run at all. It wasn't really a pleasant talk, but with Bluebird, even unpleasant talks feel good in that they are productive, and bring about positive change. This is just one of the things that I love about her. Continued in part 2...
Last edited by a moderator: