Unbinding the briars of my joys & desires

WarMan

Member
Hey folks, after encouragement from my girlfriend, Bluebird, and a few other insightful posters on this site, I've decided to keep a record of my trip into poly-land. Reader beware. If you know me, please know that I am going to be absolutely honest here, and you may not always like what you read. Read with caution, and maybe not at all.

The backstory:

I grew up Mormon. Served a 2 year mission in South America, came back, went to BYU and got married. Had 2 kids not long after. Struggled constantly with bi-polar disorder. I started to doubt the church, and after I looked a little I realized that I didn't believe anymore. I left the church, the only one in my family to do so for generations. My family was outraged, my wife distraught. My bi-polar got worse, my wife didn't care, and didn't want to help. I realized that she was in this for the life-style I gave her, and not for love of me. I told her we were done. She left to go live with my parents 3 hours away and took the kids with her. My company was purchased, and all of us were laid off less than 2 weeks later. I was suddenly jobless, and without friends or family, having been essentially disowned. A close friend of mine, who I'll call Monkey (it's short for Monkey Town, a description of her thought processes) said "We have an attached apartment and it's empty. Want to come live here for a while until you figure things out?" I did. I gave my brother power of attorney to sell my house and extra car, then drove to Pennsylvania. Monkey and her husband R were great to me, and supported me (with help from unemployment $ and 401k $) while I searched for a job for 10 months. They also supported me when I went crazy and crashed and burned from my bi-polar. They cared for me during my recovery and treatment. During this time, Monkey and I got closer and closer, and eventually we realized we might want a relationship. Monkey had been Poly before she met R and when he insisted that she be mono, she agreed. We approached her husband R about the 3 of us being poly, with her as the hinge. He said "no", Monkey having sex with someone else was the one barrier he could not cross. We respected his wishes and have stayed close friends since. We are very close, hold hands, cuddle on the couch, spend lots of time together, but we have a very strict "Do not turn the other person on" rule, which we both enforce. Over time, our relationship has turned more platonic. For the last decade I've been dating on and off. The longest relationship was 8 months also the most recent, we'll call her "Red". MANY first and second dates that never went to a 3rd. Some lasted a few months. None of them were right. I had made a major mistake once, marrying someone who wasn't right for me. I wasn't going to do it again. As time passed I became more and more sure that what I was looking for, just didn't exist. I spent my weekends with Monkey, and only dated when I was approached by someone. I was getting myself resigned to turning 40 alone and just giving up.

Then suddenly, everything changed. I met a girl at an online dating site. Bluebird. After exchanging a few messages back and forth, her father died, and she left the dating site, deactivated her account after telling me that she needed space and time. I was so disappointed, but I understood, so I wished her the best and said if I saw her again I would message. I really wasn't sure that I'd ever see her again. I dated a couple of girls, 3 or 4 dates each, before telling them that we weren't right for each other. Months went by, then suddenly one day, I saw her profile light up again on the dating site. During the entire time she was gone, I was questioning myself, exploring whether I could be poly, especially in the situation Bluebird was in. Could I really date a woman who already had 2 husbands? After wrestling with it a while I decided that I wanted to try, because talking to Bluebird again, she felt more and more awesome. You can read her posts if you want the detailed version of our early dating life. The cliff notes are that the very first time I saw her I felt a connection, like a magnet moving closer to another, until the forces snap them together. I wanted this girl. Our first date went great.(for me anyway) I LOVED listening to the sound of her voice. On the first date I met BOTH husbands. It was a little weird to see them kissing my date, especially the second time, when it was in front of a room full of people who knew I was Bluebird's poly date, but I found I could deal with it. At the end of our first date she surprised me by kissing me, and after a few dates more, stunned me by asking if I'd like to be her boyfriend. I very much did. I sometimes still ask her to say "I'm your girlfriend" or "you're my boyfriend" because it just makes me happy to hear her voice saying it.

Bluebird has been a revelation to me. A girl who doesn't need anything I have, but wants me anyway. Someone who expresses herself clearly and calmly and above all, honestly in all things, and listens when I do the same. When I'm with her I feel seen and heard and understood. She is someone who examines her feelings and their causes. Someone who actively works on her relationships. On top of that, I'm crazy attracted to her, to her shape, her eyes and her smile. She's wicked smart, clever and quick witted. Whenever I'm with her we have good conversations, fascinating and illuminating talks. When I'm with her I never wish I was anywhere else. The other day I realized that part of the reason I'm so crazy about her, is that when I'm with her, I feel like THIS is what a relationship should be like, and should feel like. For someone like me, she's like a cool oasis in the endless desert. Last but maybe not least, sex with her is better than eating your favorite ice-cream w Jesus on a roller coaster made of blowjobs. Just...amazing. She's so sex positive and DTF! Never been with anyone I mesh with so well.

That being said, it hasn't been all smooth sailing. I'm discovering that being poly means you have to pull out into the light parts of you which aren't pretty sometimes. You have to drag them out, examine them in detail (and often in front of people you love) and find a way to kill or deal with them. Jealousy. Envy. Assumptions. There is so much new self-examination that sometimes it's overwhelming. I've rarely been more disappointed in myself, in my feelings and reactions. Luckily for me, Bluebird is patient, and kind and she really loves me. When I make a mistake, offend, or otherwise fuck shit up, she patiently talks it out with me. We make it work. I've had to dig into my own heart more than at any time in my life, save for when I left the church and my wife. Sometimes it's exhausting. Exploring poly means that I have to deal with ugly emotions that often stay hidden in Mono relationships. I'm finding that regardless of how things turn out with me and Bluebird, I'm going to be a better person for having been with her. I already am.

So, that's the backstory for context. Sorry for the huge wall of text, I made it as succinct as I could.

Tonight is my date night. Bluebird came over last night, and we went out to dinner. We had a long talk about recent events. Punkrock, her husband, was worried about her, specifically about me taking advantage of her. This is the 3rd or forth time that he has objected to some aspect of her dating me. They always work it out in the end, and he's OK with it, but it keeps coming up and it worries me. Ever since I started dating Bluebird, Punkrock has really turned up the heat for her. More sex, more flirting, more requests for time and attention, more activities. I think what's happening is that my presence has reminded him of what a good thing he has. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I try hard to feel compersion for Bluebird, I can see how happy the extra attention is making her. However, I can't help but feel I'm being "competed" with sometimes. I offered Bluebird a chance to take a "break" from us, that I would wait for her for a while so that she could work things out with Punkrock for real. It was meant as a "I love you enough to do something I don't want (take a break) so that you can fix things and be happier." Instead it came through to her as "I'm ready to cut and run because you had to have a discussion about dating with your husband." Basically, it was me expressing myself poorly, and reacting to a situation that didn't need a reaction.

I apologized to Bluebird, tried hard to explain myself and in the end, I think she understood what I meant, and that I did NOT want to cut and run at all. It wasn't really a pleasant talk, but with Bluebird, even unpleasant talks feel good in that they are productive, and bring about positive change. This is just one of the things that I love about her. Continued in part 2...
 
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Unbinding the Briars around my joys and desires.

Part 2

After that we went to Carlisle where I bought a table and chairs off of a Craigslist post. Bluebird is slowly making me into a civilized human, instead of a bachelor hermit. First it was getting a real "big boy" bed. (that was an easy sell, better sex all around and better cuddle times) Now it's a real kitchen table and chairs (Why? Can't we just eat at my computer desk? That's what I do). Next is a couch, and hanging my TV on the wall. (I've got a brand new flat screen, been sitting in the box for months now). She even thinks I should take the scroll saw and Electro-former out of my living room. LOL her comment on seeing my apartment for the first time was "Well, this clearly isn't a place for seducing women." Which I think can be read as both a positive and negative from someone you just started dating. I'm letting her make most of the decisions about what I'm getting. I want my place to be a place where Bluebird feels at home. A space for Us.

Table mission accomplished, we came back home and hopped in bed fast for some amazing sexy times. Good God, this girl... Now she's sleeping soundly, but I'm awake, so I decided to write this up, in spite of the fact that she's going to have to leave in 7 hours, much of which will be spend sleeping off last night's activities, and I hate that.


Time has been a major issue. Bluebird does an amazing job of making sure that everyone gets quality time with her. It's really amazing to watch her loving each of us in turn. The way her face lights up in a different way for each of us is fascinating. I don't think that anyone who is even a little perceptive or empathetic could doubt that she really loves us, and that this goes far beyond sex. But I digress, back to time. There are times when I'm painfully aware that there are 3 of us. Darkknight didn't have to share her with anyone while courting, and Punkrock got almost exactly half of her time (and was unemployed and free all day during most of it). Feeling all this NRE, but only really getting 2 days a week is sometimes difficult. Especially since I don't get any chances to see her at home during the week to steal a cuddle, a kiss or even a quickie(or not so quickie) like her 2 boys do. I get Saturday into Sunday morning, and then usually a weekday night, Tues or Wed, where she comes over while I'm working or shortly thereafter, spends the night, then leaves around noon the next day. A fair amount of her weekday visit with me is during my work hours (I work from home), so that limits our activities, and even our ability to talk while she's here. Bluebird makes fucking Heroic efforts to see me in between these times. A lunch here, a quick visit there. I really appreciate it, but especially now at the beginning of our relationship, I find myself missing her often, and knowing that she's off doing fun things and having sex with someone else while I'm missing her. Sometimes it's hard. I feel some compersion for her, I'm glad she's happy, and I'm not feeling jealousy I don't think, because I don't want to take anything away from her boys, but I am feeling envy. I wish I could be with her too. On the plus side, when we DO get together, we're both super excited to see each other, and it feels great. Maybe a little missing each other isn't a total bad thing, but it's been something I struggle with. On top of all these time issues, is guilt that I feel about the whole thing. I feel guilty that Bluebird has to work so fucking hard to fit everyone in. I feel guilty about the things she's cut out to make room for me, and I feel guilty about taking away time from the men already in her life. I feel guilty about even wishing I had more time with her sometimes. She says I should not, but I'm still not sure how to deal with that one.

Of course, being the 'boyfriend in the next town over' has it's advantages. While I don't get to see her and steal time when it's not my night, when it IS my night, she's here and is with me without anyone else around and with no interruptions. Plus, we can be super loud when we fuck and not have to worry about disturbing anyone else. :D I'm trying hard to see not just the problems with my situation, but the advantages too. Something I'm learning from Bluebird is to take a closer look at the positive side of things. She's a very positive person, and I, being a cynic, find it interesting to meet a positive person, who isn't a cliche quoting tool who ignores reality.

Yesterday I had a LONG talk with Monkey. She's going through a really tough time right now. Problems with her husband R, (currently not employed and also not giving her the sex she needs) and financial issues, and family issues at home (Parents live with her) have really got her down, and with good reason. I gave her a hug, and she cried on my chest for a while and talked about how scary the future looks right now. On top of all those problems, she is struggling with her feelings about me dating. We used to spend the great majority of our free time together, now I'm off with my new Girlfriend, who is living the Poly lifestyle that R has forbidden her. I'm having lots of great sex and am in a relationship where I feel wonderful. She's really struggling to feel compersion for me, although she desperately wants to. For my part, I've been trying to shield her from most of it. I never mention the sex I'm getting, and basically try not to bring up my relationship or relationship issues when I'm with her. I'm trying hard to show her that I still care for her as much as I did before, that me dating doesn't equal me going away forever. That being said, her husband may have to move to get a job, and Bluebird and her boys have been seriously talking about moving away for some time now. (my guilt about possibly changing their plans is heavy on me also). I may soon be forced to choose between my friend of a decade + who has stood by me through thick and thin, and my girlfriend who I love with all of me. If forced, I will choose the latter, but it will be so hard. Anyway, after our talk, Monkey felt a little better, and we sat on the couch and watched YouTube stuff until she got sleepy and wanted to go to bed. I got home a little after midnight, but couldn't sleep until 2. Just too much to think about.

Anyway, I hit the character limit once already, and it's 5:30 AM and I have to be at work by 8. Time to wrap it up. The name of this post comes from a poem, called "The Garden of Love" by William Blake. It's about Sexuality, Romance, Love, and those who would bind it and hinder it and cover it up. I was born into this bondage, but little by little, I'm trying to unbind the briars wrapped around my joys and desires. Thanks for listening.
 
Hi, Warman. As a reader of Bluebird's blog, it's nice to read your perspective, too. I just wanted to comment on this:

Ever since I started dating Bluebird, Punkrock has really turned up the heat for her. More sex, more flirting, more requests for time and attention, more activities. I think what's happening is that my presence has reminded him of what a good thing he has. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I try hard to feel compersion for Bluebird, I can see how happy the extra attention is making her. However, I can't help but feel I'm being "competed" with sometimes. [/B]

I imagine this is fairly common in poly relationships where one person is mono, or new to poly. When I started dating my partner, Blue, I really didn't feel much jealousy towards his (then) gf. When I did, it was similar to what you mentioned: wanting more time with him. However, when he started dating his next gf after our relationship was already established, I did have more jealousy and insecurity to work through. The difference is that in the former case, I knew that he was choosing me...now he was choosing someone else. Like PunkRock, I needed lots of reassurances. Sex was just one of those reassurances (we already had it almost every day. When Blue started dating Snow, it increased to at least 1-2 times/day.) Blue was great about giving me the reassurance that I needed and I worked hard on my own insecurities, conditioning, and jealousies. It worked out. I still get twinges when he goes out with someone for the first time... but I'm able to switch over to feeling compersion much more quickly than before. It just took time, experience, and lots of personal work to get to that point.

PunkRock will probably get there, too, with time. I wouldn't think of it as him trying to compete with you but as him looking for reassurance that he's still loved. Not so different from a child needing more love and reassurance from his parents when they bring a new sibling home.
 
Hi WarMan,

Just wanted to let you know I have read your blog so far and enjoyed it. Small world: I, too, was raised staunch Mormon and served a mission (in metro Detroit), then eventually had a falling out with the church and left.

I see that not everything is not lined up nicely for you in life and I'm sympathetic. I'll continue to follow your blog and see what happens.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Welcome to the forum! I love how you write, it feels like we are sat here talking.

I just wanted to comment on this bit:


We had a long talk about recent events. Punkrock, her husband, was worried about her, specifically about me taking advantage of her. This is the 3rd or forth time that he has objected to some aspect of her dating me. They always work it out in the end, and he's OK with it, but it keeps coming up and it worries me. Ever since I started dating Bluebird, Punkrock has really turned up the heat for her. More sex, more flirting, more requests for time and attention, more activities. I think what's happening is that my presence has reminded him of what a good thing he has. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I try hard to feel compersion for Bluebird, I can see how happy the extra attention is making her. However, I can't help but feel I'm being "competed" with sometimes.

This sort of transition is common in poly. Sometimes, it can feel like everyone is filled with good feelings about their partner meeting someone else, but I think that it is more common to have mixed feelings, with a slight to moderate "lean" in one direction or the other. However, for this specific issue, you could compromise on a boundary over how much Bluebird shares about what is happening with her husband. If she truly believes that the issue is resolvable with sensitivity and time, it isn't always necessary (or for some ever necessary) to share what is going on with you. Especially when it is directed towards you rather than a general anxiety about a new partner.
 
The difference is that in the former case, I knew that he was choosing me...now he was choosing someone else.

Thanks PinkPig. That is an excellent point. I've tried putting myself in his shoes and I'd be a wreck. It's easy to be the confident one, when you're the one being chosen, and I'm not even all that confident! I think it will just take time. I don't know PunkRock that well, but I can tell he's a good guy, and he's gone out of his way to make room for me. We'll work things out. I probably just need to stop worrying about it so much and stop focusing on it.

At least half of the problem is I'm neurotic by nature. (that sounds like a Band name, Dibs on Neurotic by Nature)
 
However, for this specific issue, you could compromise on a boundary over how much Bluebird shares about what is happening with her husband. If she truly believes that the issue is resolvable with sensitivity and time, it isn't always necessary (or for some ever necessary) to share what is going on with you. Especially when it is directed towards you rather than a general anxiety about a new partner.

This is entirely My fault Max, I read her blog/journal here, and her journal is a place where she can speak freely. What needs to happen is that I need to either a) Not read her journal or b) read it, but not let it affect me. I will try "B" first, and if I can't handle that, I'll switch to "A"

Either way, you're right. I shouldn't be reacting to information that wasn't deliberately shared with me. I had already come to that decision myself, but thank you for the confirmation.
 
Hi WarMan,

Just wanted to let you know I have read your blog so far and enjoyed it. Small world: I, too, was raised staunch Mormon and served a mission (in metro Detroit), then eventually had a falling out with the church and left.

I see that not everything is not lined up nicely for you in life and I'm sympathetic. I'll continue to follow your blog and see what happens.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

haha! gotta love it The Mormonism is why I named this thread as I did. I'm super looking forward to the conversation where I tell my family I'm dating a married woman, not once, but twice over. It's going to be amaze-balls. I don't care what they think anymore, but it should be very entertaining.
 
Heh, entertaining would be the word, wouldn't it ...
 
I have shared with WarMan that him reading my journal makes me feel like a sloppy hinge. He is definitely privy to conversations here that I would not otherwise be sharing as much, or at all, with him. That said, both DarkKnight and PunkRock have always read it and sometimes they comment to me and sometimes not. I am mostly comfortable with WarMan reading it, and I've given him the ok to discuss anything in it with me. I have also told him that I won't pull any punches, however, so he will probably read things that will upset him from time to time, and I will not be censoring myself to assuage any feelings. So it really is up to him if he can handle it or not.
 
Welcome!

Hi WarMan,
I also enjoy your writing style. Just wanted to say that I was involved for almost two years with a man who is bipolar and our relationship did have its challenges, but we made it work.

Also, when you are working fulltime and have a lot going on with friends and activities, I wouldn't see any problem with the frequency you and Bluebird can get together. Try not to compare what amount of time you get to what her husbands get, and just enjoy every moment when you do get together with her, because whenever we compare ourselves to someone else, we either come up short or create mischief for ourselves.

Besides, being able to be as loud as you want is a definite plus!
 
Hi WarMan,
I also enjoy your writing style. Just wanted to say that I was involved for almost two years with a man who is bipolar and our relationship did have its challenges, but we made it work.

I've since sought treatment, and aside from occasional depressive episodes, I'm much better. No more mania at least. I can't imagine any relationship having worked out with me before I was treated.

Also, when you are working fulltime and have a lot going on with friends and activities, I wouldn't see any problem with the frequency you and Bluebird can get together.

It's ...acceptable, but I'm not the kind of person who really enjoys spending time alone. Nor do I have lots of friends or activities. Bluebird is pretty busy, but I am not. Talking to Bluebird, I think we both wish we had more time, especially here at the beginning of the relationship, but it is what it is.

Try not to compare what amount of time you get to what her husbands get, and just enjoy every moment when you do get together with her, because whenever we compare ourselves to someone else, we either come up short or create mischief for ourselves.

Yeah, Theodore Roosevelt said "comparison is the thief of joy" and it's probably true. Again, I think it's just envy, I know how much I love spending time with Bluebird, I wish I could court her closer to the way I like to if it were possible. That being said, it doesn't necessarily have much to do with being Poly (OK, it does, but I'm trying to make a point). I've dated plenty of Mono girls where we had the exact same problems because of children. I guess my point is that there isn't any relationship that doesn't require some compromise from the ideal. Bluebird is worth it, I just wish I had more time with her.

Besides, being able to be as loud as you want is a definite plus!

Damn straight.
 
So, after the last update it was 6 AM, I went and woke up Bluebird, but she didn't mind ;) She fell asleep soon thereafter and I was late to work, so I logged in while she napped, until about 10, when I made her some chai tea, we had a brief snuggle, and she got up to get ready to leave. By the time she was showered made up and looking pretty, it was time for her to go. As usual, I hated that part, but I'm already looking forward to seeing her again soon.
 
Dear Journal,

Today my girlfriend came over and lost her damn mind. :p

Haha! Today Bluebird came over to my house for lunch, which was really sweet of her. I miss her like crazy when she's not around. She's just so busy! So many people who love her and need/want her attention. So I really appreciate it that she comes out to my place, 20 mins away, to spend a few hours with me. Yeah, I've gotta work, yeah, we can't really DO much, but Damn is it nice to see her smile in person.

Back to losing her mind - so, as soon as she walks in the door, she has a mission- get that table we bought set up and in it's location. So she leaps into action. Soon I hear a constant stream of muttering and imprecations. "Oh! you are such a man!" "Look at all this dust!" "How many spiders can you possibly have in this one window?" "Wait, You've NEVER opened this window?" "What do you mean you don't know what's in this box!?" "How can you not KNOW where you got these dishes!?" Etc. the more she fussed, the more funny it became to me. I was HIGHLY entertained.

The upshot though, was that she did a great job, and I am now the proud owner of a kitchen table and 2 chairs, so it's like...you could eat in there or some such...It's pretty impressive. I bought her some flowers and she left them in the middle of the table, it looks really nice there.

I took a long break afterwards and we had a brief fun sexy times. It was nice. Also odd, because I wanted that but I couldn't ask for it, and felt frustrated that she was working on the table/kitchen. Later we talked about it briefly. It's REALLY hard for me to ask for what I need when it comes to sex, unless the other person is clearly into what's happening. See, I have a high sex drive, even for a guy, I'm pretty much always up for it, unless I'm sick, or there are innocents nearby. But maybe because of that, I've gotten so used to having women treat my sex drive as an annoyance, or worse, that I'm really hesitant to ask for what I want. I've been mocked "Sheesh, Don't you ever think of anything else?" and even called names "Get away pig-boy!" Keep in mind, these were people I was dating, and had active sex lives with. Due to all of that, I find it really hard to ask for sex. Which of course, if you know anything about Bluebird, is fucking crazy. She's the last girlfriend I should need to worry about being annoyed at me for that. It's something to work on.

Another interesting experience for me. Bluebird was telling me about her upcoming plans with PunkRock, and how much fun it was going to be and some other stuff concerning him. I made the comment that I wished her boys could be flies on the wall and hear how much she talked about them while we were out on dates together. It's clear how much she loves them. Enough in fact that I sometimes have to tell her "OK, that's enough talk about the other boys now." When I brought that up she just laughed at me and said that her boys tell her the same thing about me. It was cute, and I absolutely believe it was true.

Gotta run, more later.
 
I just have to SQUEE! on Bluebird's behalf! Loved this post.

PS. Bluebird, I may be crushing on your new boyfriend a bit here, hope you don't mind:p
 
Mr Warman Goes to Washington-

So, I've lived out here for about a decade now and I haven't been to DC. I know right? Never been to our nation's capital, and I live right here. When I first met Bluebird, I told her that I'd always wanted to go to the Smithsonian and spend a day (or two) looking, but I'd never been able to find anyone who would go with me. So, I was really pleasantly surprised when Bluebird planned a day trip w me into DC to go to the Natural History Museum.

I got up at 7 AM. On a Saturday. That folks, is LOVE. I'm not sure I'd get up at 7 AM on a Saturday to keep my Mom from getting mauled by angry bears, but I did it to spend the day with Bluebird. Muthafuckin' Love.

So I drove to her house, and no sooner did I hit the driveway than she came bouncing out, with her 1000 Watt smile. Suddenly it didn't feel early at all. We talked and drove, and got on the Metro (which was kinda fun in itself, as I'm a huge gaming nerd, and I recognized the tunnels from the game Fallout 3!) arrived and after a short walk we were there. It was great. Had a really enjoyable time, wandering through the exhibits, reading placards, and taking pictures. It was funny, after a while 2 running themes formed with picture taking 1) apparently Bluebird looked "Crazy" in every photo, meaning we had to delete them and retake and 2) I was accused of having "My girlfriend is making me take this picture" face. :D I don't really smile for photos (Does anyone else have this problem? Smiling on purpose? I can't do it, when I try, it ends up looking like a horrible grimace of pain...). Bluebird doesn't really know it, but I smile more when I'm with her than I ever do elsewhere, and for a long time.

At lunch we walked a few blocks to a sandwich place which was really good. While we ate, we talked about some poly stuff. I told her that I had been struggling the past few days with envy/jealousy, and she had some really useful things to say about it. I told her that part of my problem was that because all 3 of her boys are similar in SOME ways, it was hard not to wonder if she had more fun doing X activity with this guy or that guy. We all enjoy going to museums for example. Does she have more fun going to the museum with Punkrock? What about with Darkknight? We had a long discussion about it, and one of the things she mentioned, that actually made me feel better in an odd way, was that both of the boys wished they could have been out with her at the museum today, and that they felt slightly bummed that they weren't. Not that I was glad that they were bummed, (Quite the opposite, more on that later) but I was glad that I'm not the only one who has to struggle with it. I've been feeling really bad about my inability to master those feelings in myself lately. We had a long, and I felt, productive talk about it. She mentioned that she had re-read the first few chapters in "More than two" and we decided that when we got home we would answer the questions at the end of the chapters together.

So we went back to the museum. The walk back was long and hot, and frankly, by the time we got there, we were both wearing down a bit. Notwithstanding, we enjoyed a few more sections of the museum. At one point we were down on the ground floor, and we got sidetracked into an unused section. We found an elevator, and hit the up button. When the doors opened, this entire family of 5 shuffled out, Mom, Dad, child, Grandma, and Grandpa. As the last one was getting out, I said to myself "OK, I'm going to get in this elevator, and as soon as the doors close, I'm going to try and see how turned on I can get Bluebird before the doors open on the next floor!" No sooner had we gotten in and hit the button, but that Stupid family turns around and started piling back in! Noooo! We were packed in there like sardines, but they absolutely could not wait! Jerks! After they got off I confessed my plan to Bluebird, and she laughed at me. Not long after that, we decided that we were just done. I told her that I'd rather quit while we were still having fun, than go on a "Funtimes death march".

We walked back to the metro, and rode back to my car. On the way she put her head on my shoulder, and it was sweet. It's the little things like that that I really missed being single. Sounds simple, but it's true. Those little affections, almost more than sex, I really missed them.

On the way back, we were tired, so we decided that we would order in Chinese, shower, eat and play. These plans were almost immediately abandoned however, when Bluebird remembered that there was a BBQ place nearby that she liked to eat at. So we went there and had a nice dinner. Afterwards we stopped by her house briefly. The whole family was there, eating dinner. She gave both boys a goodnight hug and kiss. I felt a little strange, I'm painfully aware now of the sacrifice, in time and attention that the boys are making to allow me to be with Bluebird. I hope I make Bluebird happy, and I hope that reflects back to them in some way. I hope that someday soon we will all feel easy with each other.

We came back home, cuddled in bed (after deciding to just be dirty whores and not shower) while we went over the questions in "More than Two". It was interesting. Nothing really new was learned (it was only the first 2 chapters) but some of the questions were thought provoking.

Afterwards we had some brief (for us) sexy times, and then cuddled for a bit. While we were laying there, Bluebird said "I hope you keep me." Which really surprised me. "Of course I will keep you" I said. After I questioned her about it a bit, it seems like my discussion of the things I was struggling with has her slightly worried that I might decide that it was all just too hard, and that we should just be friends instead. I tried to reassure her. Every relationship has some stuff you have to adjust to, and struggle with. Kids, aging parents, financial woes, etc. If the person is worth it, you adjust and deal with it. So far, Bluebird's worth has far outstripped any possible challenges. Yeah, I struggle with my own self-esteem issues and inferiority fears, and I struggle with Jealousy and Envy, but it's all just problems I have with myself really. None of those are problems I have with Bluebird. I just can't imagine myself giving up on this wonderful woman because of flaws in myself that I dislike. Leaving this relationship wouldn't fix those flaws, they'd just be waiting to pounce on the next relationship, Poly or Mono. Why leave then? I finally have the motivation (To be with a wonderful person) to face some of these issues head on and hopefully improve myself. I tried to express all this to her, I'm not sure if I expressed myself as clearly as I wanted to, but it was the best I could do at the time, and it seemed to reassure her a little at least.

After that I just put my arm around her and told her a long, rambling story in Spanish, which it appears helps her to sleep (just the sound of my voice I guess, with no words to focus on). She's sleeping soundly there now, I got back up to write.

I'm up because I can't sleep. I've been really stressed lately. A big part of it is that my friend, Monkey is having a hard time, and I'm really worried about her. Several times she's mentioned to me that she's thinking about divorce, and She took her beautiful blue hair and dyed it back brown. I'm really worried about her. I'm trying hard to balance being there for her in her time of need, against nurturing my new relationship with Bluebird. Bluebird is super easy going about it, SHE isn't causing the stress, rather it comes from MY desire to spend more time with her, and Monkey's fear that she's being abandoned. Add that to a 6x normal workload at my job, and I've just been really feeling the stress lately. When I have too much to think about, I don't sleep. I'm sure things will sort themselves out in time, but for now, I'm just trying to get through.

Anyway, I think I will try to sleep after all. I had a great day with Bluebird, and tomorrow I get to wake up with her beside me. That's a wonderful feeling.
 
Yeah, I'm going to join in the "I really like your writing" cheer team :)

(and I like your attitude that mono or poly, issues need working through not running from)

Thanks for posting, WarMan.

Arohanui
Evie
 
12:10 AM.

I should really be in bed, but I know I won't sleep if I go.

Today was kinda stressful. At some point during the day, I managed to get the two ladies I care about most ticked off at me. I patched it all up, for the most part, but it left me feeling a little tired.

The day started with me annoying Bluebird. I got some messages from Monkey this morning that made me feel kind of glum, and then when asked "what's wrong" I said "Nothing, I'm fine." Oops.

I wasn't trying to be dishonest or evasive. I just didn't want to let those feelings, or the discussion thereof dominate my remaining time with Bluebird, which is precious and always too short. She felt I was being dishonest with her about my feelings. I told her that I had two contradictory sets of feelings, depression about the one, and excitement and happy about the other. I was trying to focus on the latter, but maybe my face was showing too much of the former. I told her that I would try to be more forthcoming in the future, but that it might mean that I dwelt longer on unhappy feelings than might be wanted.

In a way, it was good to see Bluebird unhappy with me. That hadn't happened before. It went as expected, she told me why she was unhappy with very little prompting, and we talked it out. Still, it's always nice to have that first fight with a person you're in love with. How people disagree is almost as important as how they get along when it comes to long term compatibility, or at least that's how I see it.

After a quick lunch I went over to Bluebird's house and sat on the couch briefly with her and DarkKnight. His knee seems OK, but he's clearly still worried about it. Bluebird cuddled with me on the couch, putting her head on my chest and it was really sweet and made me not want to go. At one point, she got a little naughty, which made DarkKnight just laugh, and made me blush a little. All too soon I had to go, having told Monkey that I would be over at a certain time(and not realizing that Bluebird would have more time to spend with me than usual).

Then I went over to Monkey's house. I really don't even want to talk about it. Suffice to say that taken as a whole, it wasn't very enjoyable. I feel really bad for her and wish I could help. She's hurting and suffering and some of that is bleeding onto me, but I can tell she wishes it wasn't so. I've been there. My heart breaks for her, even as I'm feeling annoyed and unhappy with her.

I actually sat here, and wrote a HUGE long message in reaction to something I read in Bluebird's last post, but on reflection I decided not to post it. I've decided I'm going to try hard not to react to stuff I see in her journal. It's hard, especially when I discover that I had misunderstood her feelings, or she had misunderstood mine, but something doesn't really feel right about reacting to her journal, so I'm going to try hard not to. Instead, I think I'll hold onto this, and if it still feels important to post later, then I will, disconnected from any recent events or posts.

On top of that, I've been feeling like I've been having too many issues to talk about lately. Some benefit might be gained by just letting things settle a bit.

Oh! So, monkey and her husband came over and were taking away some of the things from my storage facility/living room, and her Husband went into the bathroom. Later that day, Monkey asked me if I needed some kind of plastic container to keep sex toys in. I was confused..."Um, No...but thank you." I said, and then it hit me. I had left some fun stuff suction cupped to the sink after the previous evening's activities, just...gently bobbing to and fro... Goddammit. I can only assume that he must have recounted it to Monkey. *sigh* I apologized to them, then laughed about it with Bluebird. *shrug* everyone is a big boy and/or girl.

OK, now I AM tired, off to bed.
 
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Hey folks, it's been a while.

I eat for comfort. I have a cheeseburger, nachos, soda, and a chocolate bar the size of my head in front of me. Guess how my day was?
First, let’s pull back a bit.

It’s been a busy time lately. For the past week or so, I haven’t been home except for work hours. I get home after midnight, or I’ve had Bluebird for a sleepover. The Bluebird part has been great. The rest of it has been unintentional, or else obligation.

On Tues I went over to Bluebird’s house for her birthday. We had some cake with everyone there, and then Darkknight had to run to his rehearsal (Thank goodness his knee was OK after all). Afterwards, Punkrock, Bluebird, and I went to a Hibachi place and had dinner. We had a really great time, just talking back and forth. It was really nice and I had a good time. I really liked the dynamic between 3 of us. It’s funny, but for the simple fact that nobody needed to be stuck on the end away from Bluebird, it really worked. Does anyone else have that experience? 3 people, 2 with a hinge between is good, but 4, with the hinge offset to one side doesn’t work out as well (like when we went to dinner theatre all 4 of us)? Bluebird openly held hands with us both, and alternately kissed us both, and nothing about it felt awkward at all. We weren’t making out, just the occasional smooch, and not a single person looked twice. In fact, there was a totally psychotic couple seated across from us that were endlessly entertaining. After we were done, we went home and played some Zombiecide, which was fun. Again, I really enjoyed hanging out with both of them; Punkrock is lots of fun to game with. After we were done, I went and sat on the couch for a few minutes to talk to Bluebird. We were talking about Monkey’s birthday this weekend. Bluebird was afraid that there would be drama. I told her that I didn’t think that there would be. Bluebird said that she had been invited to another party, and while she wanted to go to Monkey’s birthday, if I thought there was going to be drama, she’d rather go to the other party with Punkrock. This didn’t please me, but after some talking I acknowledged her point and said I would discreetly make the offer to Monkey. Unfortunately, the talk went a little long, and I felt bad when I realized that. I asked “Wait, am I taking away Punkrock’s time?” She said “yes, kinda.” and I said then that I needed to leave. I asked her to please apologize to Punkrock for cutting into his time. I don’t know if she did, but I hope she conveyed to him that it was totally unintentional and I felt bad about it. I try really hard to do the whole “Do unto others” bit, or at least I feel bad when I don’t.

Cheeseburger gone. Nachos are cold, pass on those, chocolate bar time…

So, Wed morning comes, and I am texting with Monkey. I say “hey, I know you don’t know Bluebird very well yet, if you’d be more comfortable with it being just us, she did get an invite to another party, I can just suggest to her that she go to that one instead.” And suddenly Monkey says “I’m not going to the dinner, so it doesn’t matter.” I got somewhat perturbed. I had been planning this for weeks, and had just finished final arrangements with everyone else. Monkey refused to discuss it, other than to say that she now didn’t want to do it. Now, keep in mind, this is the same girl who suggested this dinner, and the same person who was acting like she was excited about it just a few hours earlier. Needless to say, I was pretty steamed. I was also pretty tired of this shit happening again and again. I left work, and drove over to her house. When I got there, she had another friend over, and informed me that if I wanted to spend any time with her on her birthday, it would have to be after she got back from a planned activity with her friend, who had private plans with her for that day. I was frankly pretty hurt. I just left and went over to Bluebird’s house early. The plan was for me to pick Bluebird up after work anyway, so I went over early, and Bluebird and I started our date early. We ended up going clothes shopping for me. Bluebird helped me pick out some clothes. Until we went shopping I wasn’t really aware entirely of Bluebird’s thoughts on my “style”. I feel a little self- conscious now about my clothing around her, and will definitely be picking up some more clothes when I can. I am frankly very “fashion blind”. Bluebird kept asking me if I couldn’t tell how much better I looked in my new duds…frankly I could not. But that’s OK! I freely admit that I have NO IDEA what I should be wearing. I just told Bluebird “Honey, you are the only girl I want to impress, if you like it, that’s good enough for me.” And it was. We didn’t get much, but I’m looking forward to wearing it for her some night. Unfortunately, the entire first part of our date was overshadowed by my anger and upset with Monkey. It just wasn’t fair to Bluebird and I felt really bad about it. It got better as the night went on, and I think we managed to have an OK time. The only other unfortunate issue is that Bluebird is having some issues with her lady business (I feel OK saying that, as she mentioned it on HER post) so her lady-bits were off-limits. We still managed to have some fun however, mostly due to Bluebird being awesome.

Thursday I had a pretty nice day with Bluebird, and because Monkey had canceled her birthday dinner, Bluebird was going to dinner Saturday with PunkRock. Bluebird, very kindly worked out a trade with me, so that I traded Thursday night with Saturday with PunkRock. So Thursday night I stayed over at Bluebird’s house, something I had only done once before. We played some more Zombiecide, and again I had a good time playing with Punkrock and Bluebird. Bluebird is funny when she plays games. She is ALL business! No flirting or playing around, no sir. Zombies are serious business! Hehe After we were done, Bluebird told me that she needed to talk to Punkrock and suggested I go in the living room and chill, which I did. I frankly was expecting her to leave with him downstairs to have sex (of some kind) with him. At first, it REALLY bothered me. Then I started thinking about it. Why was it bothering me so much? I mean, if she wasn’t blowing him tonight, she would be tomorrow, and she had the day before! So why was I worried about it tonight? It ended up that they didn’t go to his room after all, but it was kinda an important realization for me. Later Bluebird and I went up to her room, and tried to get some sexy times rolling, but I felt off, we kept coming up with difficult things to discuss. It was odd, one of the things that she brought up was “You know, on many nights, I would go downstairs and have some kind of sex with one of the boys”. I confessed that it was something that I think might bother me. She wanted to know why. I’ve since also learned from her that on many nights, even when it’s not his “date night” she will go downstairs and have sex with PunkRock. I explained to her that that was part of my problem I think. As the boyfriend, I’m not around for that sort of thing. I’d love to be with her, if only briefly on nights that aren’t “mine”, but I can’t do that, because I’m across town. I can’t get hugs, kisses, or sex. The one advantage that I DO have, is that when she’s with me, she’s with me. Giving up the one benefit of being “the boyfriend” makes me feel a bit unhappy. Giving up even a half hour of the limited time I have with her so that she can go have sex with people who have way more opportunities for it than I makes me feel slightly resentful. I thought about it a bit longer. I actually think that MOST of the time, I’d be OK with it, with a few caveats, but I haven’t had time to talk to Bluebird about it yet. Eventually, we did manage to stop talking about scary stuff long enough to have some sexy times, after which we both felt better (although, Bluebird said that it was only ever me who was feeling “off”). It was like (for me at least) a cloud had been lifted. We started talking again, and this time it was all really fascinating stuff. While we were talking I discovered that Bluebird has memorized one of my favorite poems in all the world! She started reciting it spontaneously. While she was reciting the final lines, my heart just swelled up with love for her. I said “OMG! I’m so fucking in love with you!” Which she giggled at (and in retrospect, sounds pretty funny), but it was totally true! Bluebird is literally better than the best thing I ever imagined for myself. Better than what I’d dreamed of. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her in my life. I love being hers.

Friday, I worked a half day from Bluebird’s house. It was nice to be with her. After that I left, worked the rest of the day from home, then went over to Monkey’s place, per her request. It was with some trepidation that I went. When I got there we were alone and she almost immediately started sobbing. I did my best to comfort her. She stated that she was having a really hard time and was trying to cope, but was having a hard time with it. I let her cry on me for a while, let her know that I loved her and was trying to be patient. Then I sat and watched some videos with her on the couch until it was time for me to leave for bed. I felt better and that we had reconnected after some rough times. Dinner was changed to just pizza at her house after dinner. We were going to eat pizza and just hang out. Cool.

Continued in part 2.
 
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