Understanding poly relationship orientation

C

Cedar

New member
Hello,
I am on this journey of self discovery and understanding and have recently recognized my poly relationship orientation. I've been trying to understand exactly how that has affected my current relationships and what types of relationships I want and need moving forward.
This orientation isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships. I am starting to realize that I have been very unhappy largely because I don't have enough deep connections to other people. Since my romantic relationships are likely to take a long time to get sorted out, I feel a strong need to cultivate those deep platonic relationships that most likely can develop more quickly.
I just am wondering how others have navigated through this type of awakening. Poly can be manifested through deep platonic relationships too, right? Can that help satisfy poly people who aren't yet able to experience a romantic poly relationship? How does your poly orientation manifest in all of your various types of relationships?
 
Hi Cedar,

It can be very helpful to develop a number of close, platonic friendships. This falls into the definition of poly in that polyamory means "many loves." It does not say "many sexual/romantic loves" although that is implied. It can take quite awhile to sort out your sexual/romantic relationships, and in the meantime you need *some* kind of intimate relating. This can be had in the form of close platonic relationships, which can form more quickly than your sexual/romantic relationships. You just need to get out there and rub shoulders with people.

I am quite an introvert personally, most of my social life is had right here on this forum. I am open to close platonic relationships though, the guy across the street has become a good friend. You can have that too, just open yourself to new platonic relationships, or even just to deepening the platonic relationships you already have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have always considered myself poly, but for many years of my life did not have more than one romantic relationship. I found that, for me, my few "intimate friends" felt like part of my poly life and so did my FWBs. I am an introvert, so, for me, letting someone into my "inner circle" is a type of trust and vulnerability that extraverts may reserve for their romantic/sexual relationships.

I, personally, take a very long time to admit to "feelings" in a relationship. I am, however, very willing to let each relationship take its own form and shape - I do not distinguish so much between friend/lover/dating as some people seem to.
 
Lots of people have multiple deep platonic friendships, so I'm not sure why that would need to be declared as anything unusual or different. You can call yourself anything you choose, but polyamory refers to romantic relationships, not to all close relationships. If it did, then most people would be polyamorous.
 
I have some deep friendships with people that I consider part of my family. My closest friend and I have been ‘together’ for well over a decade. (MightyCupcake in my signature.) I also feel close to my husband’s best friend, who lived with us as a housemate for seven years, Em. We play D&D together every week. So, yes, chosen family or deep friendships can absolutely be an integral part of one way to ‘do poly’.

I am however surprised that you’re characterizing these kinds of platonic but emotionally intimate friendships as something that are easier or faster to start than romantic relationships. That hasn’t been my experience. For me, emotional intimacy takes time, whether there’s a romantic interest or not.
 
Cedar said:
Hello.

I am on a journey of self discovery and understanding, and have recently recognized my poly relationship orientation. I've been trying to understand exactly how that has affected my current relationships, and what types of relationships I want and need moving forward.

This orientation isn't just about romantic or sexual relationships. I am starting to realize that I have been very unhappy largely because I don't have enough deep connections to other people. Since my romantic relationships are likely to take a long time to get sorted out, I feel a strong need to cultivate those deep platonic relationships that most likely can develop more quickly.

I just am wondering how others have navigated through this type of awakening. Poly can be manifested through deep platonic relationships too, right? Can that help satisfy poly people who aren't yet able to experience a romantic poly relationship? How does your poly orientation manifest in all of your various types of relationships?
Click to expand...

I do not think platonic relationships are part of polyamory in its true sense. I think friendships are friendships, even if there is love. If you start to feel romantically or sexually attracted to a friend, well, that's different.

Unless you're asexual, which few are, sex is part of polyamory.

I do get lots of fulfillment from my platonic friends, of course. They are great to have, for fun, and to also share deep feelings. We help each other through stages in life that are difficult, we celebrate good things, achievements, milestones.

Many men are trained to not be vulnerable with other male friends though. This is especially common with cisgendered, heterosexual men. They are afraid to be truly vulnerable with other males, since they've been taught it shows weakness. One man is highly unlikely to cry in a male friend's arms. He would tend to save all his vulnerabilities and emotional distress for his romantic female partner. This can be a burden on her. And it's sad for him, to only have one person he feels safe with.

So, friendships are great things to have. But they may or may not "develop more quickly" than romantic ones. It's up to us to reach out to friends, and nurture those relationships. It might be good practice for romance, to have deeper platonic friendships, in one sense. But they aren't part of polyamory, in my opinion.
 
You might find it useful to research the term "relationship anarchy."

People who identify as relationship anarchists often have platonic friendships so deep and meaningful that they consider them a "platonic partner."

And sure, everyone has platonic friends, and can have quite deep platonic friendships, but it sounds to me like you are seeking something more than that.

I gravitated toward relationship anarchy (RA) because I wasn't satisfied with polyamory's focus on only romantic relationships. I was looking for a totally different way of structuring relationships that didn't categorize romantic love as very different from friendship.

That is more what my orientation is--RA, not polyamory...something I didn't choose, but inherently feel...that the "normal" boundaries between sex, romance, and friendship don't really make sense to me.

A lot of RA people are on the asexual spectrum, but quite a lot are not at all asexual. There is a big mix.
 
I was going to say it sounds a bit like relationship anarchy as well. Personally. I don't feel that platonic relationships are a defining part of poly. Having friends never fulfilled my desires for nonmonogamy. However, I wouldn't judge anyone who feels differently.
 
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