Unexpected feelings for a monogamous guy

[littlewind3]

I've had a complicated path when it comes to relationships and sexuality. I did not remember my childhood sexual trauma until my early 20s (I am now 26) and at the time it really threw me for a loop mentally.

I reached out to some estranged family friends for council. A year later, I started a poly relationship with that same older married couple. Although I was only intimate with the husband, I remained close with the wife. I became his secondary partner. I fell hard for him, despite knowing the boundaries. Our relationship has taught me so much, given me security, and helped heal the traumas I was working through.

Our families are extremely judgmental (my sister was disowned for being poly) so the only ones aware were the 3 of us (plus my closest friends).

I lived long distance for a while, but I would be with him when I went to visit. Eventually I moved back to the same state in 2019. Sometime after COVID happened, their elderly mother got very sick (not with COVID).

As I have history in a medical background, I decided to help with home health. This turned into a extremely traumatic month where I lost my first patient while giving CPR. In my grief I made stupid choices and cheated on the couple with someone they knew closely. I had promised I wouldn't be with him (since he was married). We decided to put our relationship on hold while I did my best to learn and mend my mistakes. I know there is no good excuse for my actions and I won't ever try to justify them. I just know I deeply regret it and will not be a homewrecker again.

While the intimacy was done, the friendship continued. This couple has become some of my best friends and deepest support systems, intimacy or not.

I explored my poly-sexuality some more for a time after, eventually finding that I was no longer interested in meaningless sex or fleeting connections (which I had done in my early 20s, as well). I began solely focusing on my career and long-term goals, since romance seemed to be done in my life.

Last year, the husband let me know he felt he missed us. He said he wanted to explore trust with me and was ready to try intimacy again, although it would never be the same as it was before. We decided, instead of being a secondary, this time I would be a close friend with benefits.

The wife was going through a lot after losing her mother. She was okay with us beginning again, but didn't want us to start having sex right away. So after discussing restarting, we also had restrictions. Plus, another family member moved in with them, so our privacy levels drastically decreased to little or none. A year later and his wife feels she is okay with us opening that intimate door again, but finding the time is the next challenge. We get true privacy maybe every 3-4 months.

Then came the unexpected: I've started falling for a mono guy. I've always been a friendly flirty person by nature. I get crushes all the time, but true feelings don't happen often, or at all. A few months ago, a guy at my work, around my age, started talking to me more and we found out we have a TON in common. Like it's freaky sometimes, how much.

I let him know from the beginning I was poly. He kept pursuing a friendship anyway, so it seemed harmless. It wasn't until later I found out he was strictly monogamous. I convinced myself it was infatuation and I was loving the attention that the poly couple couldn't give me, due to age differences and privacy levels.

Last week that changed when I realized we (mono man and me) had been texting every day and having HOURS-long conversations about anything and everything, I have started developing real feelings here. We hang out a lot and his life fits so well with mine. It feels unexpected because after everything I've been through, I was settling into having many meaningful lovers, but not true romance.

I've started questioning what I want for my future and don't want to rush into anything at all. I'm still focused on my long-term goals that have nothing to do with romance. I've told both the poly couple and my new mono friend about both parties, so no lies or cheating can happen again.

I do not want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I would rather hurt myself instead. But I can't help feeling I could have something beautiful with mono man. Then again, I would be lying if I said I wasn't poly by nature; I have too much love to give otherwise, so who knows how long it would last being mono?

My mono friend said he feels the universe brought us together (and I agree) but is fine with just being friends. He cares for me genuinely and loves our connection, but how long will that last before he wants more and leaves when I can't give it to him yet? I'm willing to be with him exclusively, but not until I'm able to get some real closure from my poly relationships, which could take years, or never happen!

I know I will always have the love and support of my poly couple, but the husband made it clear that while he wants me to be happy, it would hurt him if I choose to be mono, after all we've been through, plus being so close to actually being intimate again. He is more important to me than mono man, but I can't help feeling scared and confused.

I would be okay if I stayed friends with mono guy. Maybe, after years of friendship, we could explore being monogamous...

I don't want to miss out on something that could improve my life, and someone else's. But I want to be loyal to the one I still love deeply (who also improves my life). It would be great if mono man could just let me have one poly relationship and be closed off otherwise. But we don't get what we want, and have no control over anything but our own actions.

Please provide kind advice. I tried talking to reddit and they were so mean. I really don't want to hurt anyone and just want to stop feeling panicked by the complications, with a clear decision and solid wisdom. Honestly, it feels like God is laughing at me for trying to be happy.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello littlewind3,

You have told the mono guy, and the older couple, about each other, which is exactly what you should do, in poly it is all about knowledge, consent, and communication. As for the mono guy, I don't know whether he just wants himself to be mono, or if he wants you to be mono (with him) too. I guess you will have to ask him, and find out. That's your next step, you need to hear from him exactly what he is and isn't willing to consent to. Would he accept a long platonic friendship with you until you can get things sorted out with the older couple? Would you want that? Your own consent matters too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[littlewind3]

Hello littlewind3,

You have told the mono guy, and the older couple, about each other, which is exactly what you should do, in poly it is all about knowledge, consent, and communication. As for the mono guy, I don't know whether he just wants himself to be mono, or if he wants you to be mono (with him) too. I guess you will have to ask him, and find out. That's your next step, you need to hear from him exactly what he is and isn't willing to consent to. Would he accept a long platonic friendship with you until you can get things sorted out with the older couple? Would you want that? Your own consent matters too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much, this helps a ton. I will use this moving forward!

 

[Magdlyn]

I've had a complicated path when it comes to relationships and sexuality. I did not remember my childhood sexual trauma until my early 20s (I am now 26) and at the time it really threw me for a loop mentally.

So now you feel healed from your trauma?

I started a poly relationship with that same older married couple. Although I was only intimate with the husband, I remained close with the wife. I became his secondary partner. I fell hard for him, despite knowing the boundaries.

What are the boundaries? It seems you feel you're in some kind of "poly relationship" with both members of the couple, even though it's not sexual/romantic with the wife. Do they have other partners? What makes this a triad in your mind, and not just a V?

Let's call this couple Abe and Sarah, for ease of understanding.

I lived long distance for a while, but I would be with Abe when I went to visit. Eventually I moved back to the same state in 2019. [Then Sarah's] elderly mother got very sick.

As I have history in a medical background, I decided to help with home health. This turned into a extremely traumatic month where I lost my first patient while giving CPR.

You mean Sarah's mother died while you were giving her CPR?

I... cheated on the couple with someone they knew closely. I had promised I wouldn't be with him (since he was married).

So you had a crush on this guy. Abe and Sarah knew that, and you said, "Yeah, he's married, I won't date a cheater." But you did anyway.

We decided to put our relationship on hold while I did my best to learn and mend my mistakes. I know there is no good excuse for my actions and I won't ever try to justify them. I deeply regret it.

While the intimacy was done, the friendship continued. Abe and Sarah become some of my best friends and deepest support systems.

So trust was broken, but healed more recently.

I explored my poly-sexuality some more for a time after, eventually finding that I was no longer interested in meaningless sex or fleeting connections (which I had done in my early 20s, as well). I began solely focusing on my career and long-term goals, since romance seemed to be done in my life.

I know dating is hard, but of course in your mid-twenties, you still have ages of time left for healthy romantic relationships. You don't have to settle for less than what you really want and deserve. It kind of sounds like you're settling (maybe out of a scarcity mindset.)

Last year, Abe let me know he felt he missed us. He said he wanted to explore trust with me and was ready to try intimacy again, although it would never be the same as it was before...

Sarah was going through a lot after losing her mother. She was okay with us beginning again, but didn't want us to start having sex right away... Plus, another family member moved in with them, so our privacy levels drastically decreased to little or none. A year later and Sarah feels she is okay with us opening that intimate door again, but finding the time is the next challenge. We get true privacy maybe every 3-4 months.

Why can't Abe come to your place for sex, or you go to a hotel or BnB or something? Why does it hinge on fucking in their house?

Then came the unexpected: I've started falling for a mono guy... A few months ago, a guy at my work, around my age, started talking to me more and we found out we have a TON in common...

Mono Man.

I let him know from the beginning I was poly. He kept pursuing a friendship anyway. It wasn't until later I found out he was strictly monogamous. I convinced myself it was infatuation. I was loving the attention that the poly couple couldn't give me, due to age differences and privacy levels.

Well, I'm sure you enjoyed a more balanced relationship, and maybe it's nice to be with someone closer to your own age (instead of a more parental dynamic, which you wanted when healing from your childhood abuse). Do you and Mono Man have privacy? At his place? At yours?

Last week that changed when I realized Mono Man and I had been texting every day, having HOURS-long conversations... I have started developing real feelings. We hang out a lot and his life fits so well with mine. It feels unexpected because after everything I've been through, I was settling into having many meaningful lovers, but not true romance.

Again, there's no need to settle at 26.

I've started questioning what I want for my future and don't want to rush into anything at all. I'm still focused on my long-term goals that have nothing to do with romance. I've told both the poly couple and my new mono friend about both parties, so no lies or cheating can happen again.

I do not want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I would rather hurt myself instead.

Hmm, why is it OK to hurt yourself? That doesn't sound healthy. You deserve to be who you are and to find romance (eventually) with someone who is free to date you, who is poly themselves or OK with you being poly, etc. You know you shouldn't rush, or settle for something that has no real hope of working out long term. Try to focus on that.

But I can't help feeling I could have something beautiful with Mono Man. Then again, I would be lying if I said I wasn't poly by nature; I have too much love to give otherwise, so who knows how long it would last being mono?

Right. Especially if he insists you remain mono. It sounds like he's not one of those people who are fine with being mono themselves while their partner practices polyamory. There are plenty of people like that, but it takes a certain mindset.

Mono Man said... he is fine with just being friends. He cares for me genuinely and loves our connection, but how long will that last before he wants more and leaves when I can't give it to him yet?

I'd go by his word, that he's fine with friendship. You don't control his possible future feelings. I'd dial back the hours-long conversations and constant hanging out, if it's just going to cause YOU pain, since you want sex and romance with him, but he's definitely mono. It's just not appropriate. You'll find what you really want and need if you keep your standards high and are patient.

I'm willing to be with him exclusively, but not until I'm able to get some real closure from my poly relationships, which could take years, or never happen!

Yeah, this is true. If he did fall for you, it wouldn't be fair to keep him hanging indefinitely while you waited for some "closure" (whatever that means) with Abe, what with Sarah's restrictions and the (somehow) insurmountable privacy issues.

I know I will always have the love and support of Abe and Sarah, but Abe made it clear that while he wants me to be happy, it would hurt him if I choose to be mono, after all we've been through, plus being so close to actually being intimate again. He is more important to me than Mono Man, but I can't help feeling scared and confused.

Abe can have his feelings, but you're still very young and figuring out who you are, what you want, believing you're worthy of getting what you deserve as your authentic self. Abe doesn't offer you much. Just FWB, a restrictive wife, no privacy... that's not a great deal.

I would be okay if I stayed friends with Mono Man. Maybe, after years of friendship, we could explore being monogamous...

Okay, so dial it back to just friends. You know deep inside that would be best. Don't bargain with your own future.

I want to be loyal to Abe, the one I still love deeply (who also improves my life). It would be great if Mono Man could just let me have one poly relationship and be closed off otherwise. But we don't get what we want, and have no control over anything but our own actions.

Yeah, wishing for this is okay, but try to be realistic. Mono Man is not right for you as a lover, partner, future husband, whatever. And Abe can't give you full satisfaction either. He's just hanging out a carrot of "someday" in front of you.

Please provide kind advice. I tried talking to reddit and they were so mean. I really don't want to hurt anyone and just want to stop feeling panicked by the complications, with a clear decision and solid wisdom. Honestly, it feels like God is laughing at me for trying to be happy.

Well, I don't know about God, but maybe you're not convinced you really deserve what you truly desire. Try not to settle just because of some fantasy that maybe this could all work out... someday...

Reddit sucks. I am glad you came here.

 

[SpaceCat]

I've had a complicated path when it comes to relationships and sexuality. I did not remember my childhood sexual trauma until my early 20s (I am now 26) and at the time it really threw me for a loop mentally.

I reached out to some estranged family friends for council. A year later, I started a poly relationship with that same older married couple. Although I was only intimate with the husband, I remained close with the wife. I became his secondary partner. I fell hard for him, despite knowing the boundaries. Our relationship has taught me so much, given me security, and helped heal the traumas I was working through.

Our families are extremely judgmental (my sister was disowned for being poly) so the only ones aware were the 3 of us (plus my closest friends).

I lived long distance for a while, but I would be with him when I went to visit. Eventually I moved back to the same state in 2019. Sometime after COVID happened, their elderly mother got very sick (not with COVID).

As I have history in a medical background, I decided to help with home health. This turned into a extremely traumatic month where I lost my first patient while giving CPR. In my grief I made stupid choices and cheated on the couple with someone they knew closely. I had promised I wouldn't be with him (since he was married). We decided to put our relationship on hold while I did my best to learn and mend my mistakes. I know there is no good excuse for my actions and I won't ever try to justify them. I just know I deeply regret it and will not be a homewrecker again.

While the intimacy was done, the friendship continued. This couple has become some of my best friends and deepest support systems, intimacy or not.

I explored my poly-sexuality some more for a time after, eventually finding that I was no longer interested in meaningless sex or fleeting connections (which I had done in my early 20s, as well). I began solely focusing on my career and long-term goals, since romance seemed to be done in my life.

Last year, the husband let me know he felt he missed us. He said he wanted to explore trust with me and was ready to try intimacy again, although it would never be the same as it was before. We decided, instead of being a secondary, this time I would be a close friend with benefits.

The wife was going through a lot after losing her mother. She was okay with us beginning again, but didn't want us to start having sex right away. So after discussing restarting, we also had restrictions. Plus, another family member moved in with them, so our privacy levels drastically decreased to little or none. A year later and his wife feels she is okay with us opening that intimate door again, but finding the time is the next challenge. We get true privacy maybe every 3-4 months.

Then came the unexpected: I've started falling for a mono guy. I've always been a friendly flirty person by nature. I get crushes all the time, but true feelings don't happen often, or at all. A few months ago, a guy at my work, around my age, started talking to me more and we found out we have a TON in common. Like it's freaky sometimes, how much.

I let him know from the beginning I was poly. He kept pursuing a friendship anyway, so it seemed harmless. It wasn't until later I found out he was strictly monogamous. I convinced myself it was infatuation and I was loving the attention that the poly couple couldn't give me, due to age differences and privacy levels.

Last week that changed when I realized we (mono man and me) had been texting every day and having HOURS-long conversations about anything and everything, I have started developing real feelings here. We hang out a lot and his life fits so well with mine. It feels unexpected because after everything I've been through, I was settling into having many meaningful lovers, but not true romance.

I've started questioning what I want for my future and don't want to rush into anything at all. I'm still focused on my long-term goals that have nothing to do with romance. I've told both the poly couple and my new mono friend about both parties, so no lies or cheating can happen again.

I do not want to hurt anyone. Honestly, I would rather hurt myself instead. But I can't help feeling I could have something beautiful with mono man. Then again, I would be lying if I said I wasn't poly by nature; I have too much love to give otherwise, so who knows how long it would last being mono?

My mono friend said he feels the universe brought us together (and I agree) but is fine with just being friends. He cares for me genuinely and loves our connection, but how long will that last before he wants more and leaves when I can't give it to him yet? I'm willing to be with him exclusively, but not until I'm able to get some real closure from my poly relationships, which could take years, or never happen!

I know I will always have the love and support of my poly couple, but the husband made it clear that while he wants me to be happy, it would hurt him if I choose to be mono, after all we've been through, plus being so close to actually being intimate again. He is more important to me than mono man, but I can't help feeling scared and confused.

I would be okay if I stayed friends with mono guy. Maybe, after years of friendship, we could explore being monogamous...

I don't want to miss out on something that could improve my life, and someone else's. But I want to be loyal to the one I still love deeply (who also improves my life). It would be great if mono man could just let me have one poly relationship and be closed off otherwise. But we don't get what we want, and have no control over anything but our own actions.

Please provide kind advice. I tried talking to reddit and they were so mean. I really don't want to hurt anyone and just want to stop feeling panicked by the complications, with a clear decision and solid wisdom. Honestly, it feels like God is laughing at me for trying to be happy.

I think it's really important to ask yourself if you did try a monogamous relationship... what are the odds you will be content with that in 5 years? 10 years? Same person every time? Really get honest with yourself because mono relationships have a way of sucking you in and (excuse my harsh metaphor) locking you up. They are VERY sticky to release from and usually involves a lot of time and energy and pain to disentangle.
Also, why should you be put in a position where you have to give up your sexual lifestyle choice to be with someone? Is that love? Or is that possession? Is your mono crush really mature enough? I often wonder if monogamy is really just codependency that has been made acceptable, nay, EXPECTED of us. I think true love MUST come with freedom. Monogamy is the opposite of freedom. These are just MY thoughts though....

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear about the assault. I hope you were able to talk with a professional counselor to heal the trauma and still see them as needed.

I'm sorry about the death of your first patient.

I'm sorry you also struggle with your current relationships. Not sure if this helps you any:

You have informed all parties. You are being honest and doing your due diligence.

• I think you could date the coworker if you want to. Or leave it as friends.
• Then leave Abe as a FWB.
• If the FWB thing is more of a drag than it is a joy? End it.
  • Be plain exes for at least a year.
  • Then see if "exes and friends" with good personal boundaries is possible.

Stop ping-ponging. Start being decisive instead. Take charge of your life, rather than floating along, cuz back and forth behaviors like that lead to confusing back and forth emotions.

ABE THE FWB

At this time? You have a much older FWB, "Abe," who really can't give you the privacy/sex connection you seem to want. Yes, it's been a meaningful relationship/friendship in the past. But honestly, in the present day, it's just barely FWBs, from the sound of it.

If his wife "Sarah" was grieving her mother's death and you your patient-- why was THAT the best time for Abe to ask you to reboot? That sounds hinky to me. Why bother asking you if his things at home aren't in order yet because his wife does not consent yet? Were you getting ready to move on, so he jumped the gun offering you this FWB deal?

Privacy once every 3-4 months at his place-- is that enough for you to make this worthwhile? Can't he come to you or you go to a hotel?

Do you actually want a FWB relationship with Abe to share friendship and casual sex once in a while, or did you want a fuller poly relationship? Is this a case of you settling for whatever you can get cuz you are hung up on him or feel bad for cheating in the past? Are you outgrowing Abe and feeling bad about that?

You aren't like "too grateful" to this older couple are you, just because of the trauma, so it's making NEW unhealthy relationships here where you feel like "you owe them" when really, you do not?

the husband made it clear that while he wants me to be happy, it would hurt him if I choose to be mono, after all we've been through, plus being so close to actually being intimate again.

If you break up with him, Abe could be OK with feeling sad, because that is a NORMAL way to feel after a break up.

Abe's offering you a reduced FWB thing "after all you've been through," and he's all "hurt" if you want to have a life outside of that. Or he will feel "hurt" if you break up with him, when you have every right to end things? It's like he's guilt tripping you to stay put. Kind of a turn off to me.

You are in your mid-20s. He's got a wife and whole other life himself. Why make a big deal if you have one too? Abe is poly -- what's his issue with you having your own poly practice and dating other people?


GUY, THE MONO FRIEND

My mono friend said he feels the universe brought us together (and I agree) but is fine with just being friends. He cares for me genuinely and loves our connection, but how long will that last before he wants more and leaves when I can't give it to him yet?

So Guy wants to date, and you want to date him? What is the problem with dinner and a movie? You aren't promising marriage, babies, and all that. It's just a date.

He's ok with being just friends, and you don't want to date him? Be friends then.

I'm willing to be with him exclusively

WHY? If you are poly and don't want that, don't promise it. Or, if you want to have a time of trying out monogamy with Guy, drop Abe to clear the path. Then tell Guy up front:

• You ended it with Abe.
• You are up for trying monogamy for X months dating Guy.
• Then assess at the end of that time if that is working or renegotiate/change the deal, or whatever.
• Is Guy up for that?

You can choose whatever life experiences you want to have. You are in charge of YOU. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You are in your 20s-- it's ok to be exploring what life has to offer.

YOU

I've started questioning what I want for my future and don't want to rush into anything at all. I'm still focused on my long-term goals that have nothing to do with romance.

Nothing wrong with being focused on your career, and then dating this new Guy with that in mind. A relationship of the present -- no big promises. At the most, planning tickets for a concert a few months out, or maybe a short trip. But no bigger plans than that, or WAY out in the future, or huge entanglements. Take it one semester at a time.

A lot of medical students/people end up dating others in the field because they GET the high career commitment and the wacky hours. This person might actually be MORE compatible with you than Abe. Just because Abe and Sarah helped you move past trauma doesn't mean "you owe them" forever.

I do not want to hurt anyone.

So don't do hurtful behavior to people. Be honest. Carry yourself forthrightly with dignity. You don't sound like you do mean things to people.

It is NORMAL to feel emotions. Not all of them are fun ones -- sad, scared, mad, etc. But why is people having some feelings scary to you, or a problem that you have to fix? It can't just be them experiencing the normal ups and downs of life?

Honestly, I would rather hurt myself instead.

Why would you do that? If your kindness and compassion do not include yourself, they are incomplete.

Again... it's ok to have feelings. Some are fun to feel, some are not, but that doesn't mean it is "bad" or "wrong" to have them.

Throwing your own self under the bus to "save" people from experiencing their own feelings seems kinda weird to me, damaging to you. Why aren't you nice to yourself?

but not until I'm able to get some real closure from my poly relationships, which could take years, or never happen!

This sounds like "doom thinking," when YOU can give your own self closure. "Closure" means being at peace and at final acceptance that a relationship has ended or changed.

Well, the poly secondary thing with Abe ended. Now there's this new casual FWB thing. Is that panning out, or not so much? You decide. Just because Abe offered a FWB deal doesn't mean you HAD to accept it. You could have said "No, thanks. Let's not do that."

Or having gone there, if you changed your mind about it, you can say "I tried it. It's not for me. Let's not do that any more."

Is that the struggle? You are in anticipatory grief, kicking the idea around, but not yet ready emotionally to end it?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don't know how to work through, or don't even know if you should? We'll talk you through making these choices, including how-to's on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

But I can't help feeling I could have something beautiful with mono man. Then again, I would be lying if I said I wasn't poly by nature; I have too much love to give otherwise, so who knows how long it would last being mono?

Be honest and tell Guy you are willing to date him WITHOUT promising monogamy. If he's up for it, date him. Even people who seek monogamy do not promise to "go steady" from Date 1. It's ok to take this more slowly. Where's the big hurry to make huge promises? If dating doesn't pan out long term? Sometimes that happens. What's so horrible about dating for however long it lasts and enjoying the experience?

Or you could just leave it at friends. Become more DECISIVE. This flip-floppy thing sounds like it upsets you.

If the problem is HOW to decide, anything less than a "joyful yes," you just call a "working no."

• Hell, yeah I want to do that... is a YES.
• Yes, but kinda maybe is a NO.
• Well, I guess...if YOU really want to.... is a NO
• Meh not really into that... is a NO
• No... is a no.
• HELL, NO ... is a no.

You also sound like you put a LOT of pressure on yourself to be "perfect" or something. Is that true? Do you struggle with "people pleaser" stuff?

It's ok to go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself. You have inherent worth and value. You don't have anything to prove to anyone.

It would be great if mono man could just let me have one poly relationship and be closed off otherwise. But we don't get what we want, and have no control over anything but our own actions.

You don't get it if you don't ASK for it. Ask Guy so you can KNOW his answer:

"I'd like for us to date, but I am poly. At this time, I don't have a huge network and don't plan on it. I want to date you and maintain my existing FWB connection. Would you be up for that?"

Most of the time, I DO get what I want, Because I ask. I ask for reasonable and rational things.

Do I get it ALL the time? No, I do not. I'm not afraid to feel my emotions: disappointed, sad, whatever. It's NORMAL to feel that if things don't pan out like I hoped.

Most of the time, I lead a content life and I'm pretty emotionally resilient.

Maybe that's a reasonable goal for you? Most of the time, you lead a content life, and you are emotionally resilient enough to handle the normal ups and downs of life

Honestly, it feels like God is laughing at me for trying to be happy.

There's nothing wrong with you being happy, in general.

• Are you having a crisis of faith?
• Do you have a hard time making decisions?
• Are you trying to "be happy" despite being bogged down with stuff that brings you down, or stuff you are avoiding?
• Something else?

I hope you make some choices so things can improve.

Galagirl

 

[SlowPoly]

I tried to write a helpful response yesterday and gave up. And now Mags and Gala have done a lovely job saying the things I was wanting to say, and a lot more.

+1 on their advice.

Take care of you, littlewind3.

 

[LoveBunny]

So you reached out to older family friends for help processing your sexual abuse, and the husband slept with you in a secondary situation...hopefully you were "allowed" to be with others," (just not that married/cheating guy.) Either way, I'm sure that reaching out to them was a moment of profound vulnerability for you, I feel like if a younger woman friend came to me needing healing from sexual trauma, the last thing I'd do is try to sleep with her.

Anyway, it's ok to need and want more than being FWB or being someone's secondary. I'm not surprised you "slipped up" and slept with someone else, having a partner only every few months sounds lonely.

Even if you've been identifying as poly for a while, it's ok to decide to be mono with someone. I have flipped back and forth in my 50-something years from gay-leaning to straight-leaning, and I've flipped a few times from poly to long-term mono.

I was your age, 26, the first time I tried a monogamous r'ship, not including high school. I stayed contentedly monogamous with him for over a decade before I tried poly again, mostly because my marriage was dead for reasons unrelated to poly. Now I'm back to feeling more as if my soul truly wants monogamy.

If fluid sexual orientation is a thing, so is fluid relationship orientation. Different r'ship styles might suit you better at different stages of your life.

You're not stuck in one way of being, one label. If it helps to think of it as you can be "polysaturated" with one very juicy r'ship, then you don't have to disown your poly tendencies. Same way I can still BE bi even if I'm only sleeping with one gender. Are you someone who *has* to have multiple r'ships to be happy or could you be more polyflexible?

Far from being a prison, healthy monogamy can feel quite freeing. Do you think you might enjoy having a partner's undivided attention (at least when it comes to sex and romance?) Can you still enjoy crushes and NOT have to act on them if you're in a monogamous relationship? You'll have to ask yourself.

You don't have to marry mono guy. But if you think you could be happy being just with him, why not give it a shot? You don't owe the older couple anything, they helped you, and you gave them something too. It's ok to be finished with that now.

Anyway, I wish you love and healing.