Unicorn does not want to get hurt

UniqueUnicorn82

New member
I'm new to this whole swinger lifestyle unicorn thing. I met a lovely couple about 4 months ago and we have become fast friends and all 3 of us have great chemistry. But my relationship insecurities are starting to creep in.

I understand we are not dating or in a relationship, but I am still scared to get hurt. Like, what if they don’t want to see me anymore? What if they find someone else? What if another couple asks me out? Do I let them know?

Before this, I was what I consider to be bi-curious, but now bisexual, and I’m ok with that. But idk how to explain what I’m feeling, when logically I know it’s supposed to be fun, which it is, but at times my heart aches because I know if it ends I will be hurt due to the fact that they were my first couple and we all do get along and I think we all really enjoy each other, but at the end of the day, I don’t want my heart to ache. HELP!
 
You should sit down and thrash out the terms of your relationship.

Though I will say that my friends who are only swingers often complain that they are straightforward about what they seek in their initial talks and in profiles, despite this, they often find that seeing the same person regularly can lead to that person thinking their initial limitations have relaxed.

For example, I have a female friend with a male partner. They often seek a third male for threesomes. It can be really hard to find a good match, so they were happy when they met a man who seemed ideal. They'd hang out a bit, as well as have sex, and all seemed content.

A few months in, however, he raised the possibility of taking my friend out on a "date" while her husband was away. It was in that moment that she realised it had happened again: the guy had assumed that being happy with the arrangement meant that it could be a progressing relationship. They're just happy with swinging with people who become friends. My friend finds it too awkward to continue after someone suggests something like this.

They don't advertise themselves as poly. They advertise themselves as a couple seeking group sex. That doesn't change with familiarity. They still only want to be friends.

What my friend doesn't mind is clarifying the terms of the relationship and discussion around STI testing and transmission. So she would tell you that you're welcome to see other people, because they will be too.

So where did you meet them? What did they initially say they were seeking?
 
Honestly, break ups happen and it's likely to happen here. Get used to that idea and enjoy what you have while you have it and then move along gracefully, knowing that even emotional pain is temporary and people come into our lives and leave again and that's okay.

People come into our lifes for a reason, a season or very occasionally, a lifetime. You have found the reason - from curious to bi - and you may enjoy a season with them (not literally, like Spring or Summer, but figuratively, like a period of time that will end in due course). You may even stay friends for a lifetime, but most people don't...look at all the wedding photos where ten years later the bride is only in touch with one or two bridesmaids out of half a dozen. People grow, change, move on, and it may well be that you'll be the person who does that. Right now you can't imagine it because you're obviously deeply into them right now, but time tends to the the shine off everything, the rose tinted glasses get put away, and either everyone changes to a new dynamic that doesn't revolve around the bedroom, or they go their separate ways, maybe all broken up, maybe two still together, but rarely three forever.

Hearts hurt when feelings happen, that's part of the experience of being human.
 
You should sit down and thrash out the terms of your relationship.

Though I will say that my friends who are only swingers often complain that they are straightforward about what they seek in their initial talks and in profiles. Despite this, they often find that seeing the same person regularly can lead to that person thinking their initial limitations have relaxed.

For example, I have a female friend with a male partner who often seek a third male for threesomes. It can be really hard to find a good match so they were happy when they met a man who seemed ideal. They'd hang out a bit as well as the sex and all seemed content.

A few months in, however, he raised the possibility of taking my friend out on a "date" while her husband was away. It was in that moment that she realised it had happened again: the guy had assumed that being happy with the arrangement meant that it could be a progressing relationship. They're just happy with swinging with people who become friends. My friend finds it too awkward to continue after someone suggests something like this.

They don't advertise themselves as poly. They advertise themselves as a couple seeking group sex. That doesn't change with familiarity. They still only want to be friends.

What my friend doesn't mind is clarifying the terms of the relationship and discussion around sti testing and transmission. So she would tell you that you're welcome to see other people because they will be too.

So where did you meet them? What did they initially say they were seeking?
Honestly, break ups happen and it's likely to happen here. Get used to that idea and enjoy what you have while you have it and then move along gracefully, knowing that even emotional pain is temporary and people come into our lives and leave again and that's okay.

People come into our lifes for a reason, a season or very occasionally, a lifetime. You have found the reason - from curious to bi - and you may enjoy a season with them (not literally, like Spring or Summer, but figuratively, like a period of time that will end in due course). You may even stay friends for a lifetime, but most people don't...look at all the wedding photos where ten years later the bride is only in touch with one or two bridesmaids out of half a dozen. People grow, change, move on, and it may well be that you'll be the person who does that. Right now you can't imagine it because you're obviously deeply into them right now, but time tends to the the shine off everything, the rose tinted glasses get put away, and either everyone changes to a new dynamic that doesn't revolve around the bedroom, or they go their separate ways, maybe all broken up, maybe two still together, but rarely three forever.

Hearts hurt when feelings happen, that's part of the experience of being human.
yes I have had this happen before with someone who I honestly thought was going to be in my life forever n it hurt an hurts so bad that I know even though this to might or will end it will hurt an I honestly don’t think my heart can handle a hurt that I may not be ready for u know how they say u always remember your first everything first kiss first time first heart ache idk how to prepare for a first heart ache of not loosing one but two ppl who were your first huge out of comfort experience lol first girl kiss first three some first i don’t even know what to call it after the man who you thought was your soulmate left you an if I’m honest have not forgotten n miss horrible idk a part of me wants to cut n run n just never get close to anyone else n part of me feels guilty for talking to other couples I know I said I wanted the relationship with out the relationship all the fun n none of the drama know my heart is not letting me be cold like I thought I was :(
 
Well, when we met, I said and still want the relationship without the relationship, all the fun, none of the drama. but now my heart is not letting me be as cold or strong as I thought I was going into this. I know i'm not jealous, cuz I don’t want to be married or have an actual relationship. I just don’t wanna be hurt. I don’t know if I’m feeling like this because this is my first swinger experience, and I will learn with time, or like u said, maybe I just need to be like soooo where is this headed type of deal? we have gone on weekend trips and I have spent the night and whole weekends with them. maybe I just need to step back and give myself space and time.
 
Well when we meet I said an still want the relationship with out the relationship all the fun none of the drama but know my heart is not letting me be as cold or strong as I thought I was going into this I know im not jealous cuz I don’t want to be married or have an actual relationship I just don’t wanna be hurt I don’t know if I’m feeling like this because this is my first swinger experience and I will learn with time or like u said maybe I just need to be like soooo we’re is this headed type of deal we have gone on weekend trips and I have spent the night and whole weekends with them and maybe I just need to step back and give myself space and time
Could you please use punctuation marks when you type? It's very difficult to read your posts without any punctuation. Thank you.
 
Well when we meet I said an still want the relationship with out the relationship all the fun none of the drama but know my heart is not letting me be as cold or strong as I thought I was going into this I know im not jealous cuz I don’t want to be married or have an actual relationship I just don’t wanna be hurt I don’t know if I’m feeling like this because this is my first swinger experience and I will learn with time or like u said maybe I just need to be like soooo we’re is this headed type of deal we have gone on weekend trips and I have spent the night and whole weekends with them and maybe I just need to step back and give myself space and time


Yeah, it's really selfish to pretend to anyone that you want a casual relationship, when it's really about your fear of rejection. It's a classic bait and switch, and you'll be known as a spouse poacher/homewrecker/cowgirl around ethical non-monogamous people.

Get yourself some therapy for a year or so and then think about dating.
 
Well, when we met, I said and still want the relationship without the relationship, all the fun, none of the drama. but now my heart is not letting me be as cold or strong as I thought I was going into this. I know i'm not jealous, cuz I don’t want to be married or have an actual relationship. I just don’t wanna be hurt. I don’t know if I’m feeling like this because this is my first swinger experience, and I will learn with time, or like u said, maybe I just need to be like soooo where is this headed type of deal? we have gone on weekend trips and I have spent the night and whole weekends with them. maybe I just need to step back and give myself space and time.
You sound young. You are experiencing lots of firsts. You want fun sexy times, but you think you can avoid heartache by keeping things casual. However, having sex and fun times with someone tends to lead to love.

This is not a board for swingers, by the way. This is a board for polyamory, where loving others (multiple others) is a given, and the whole point. So, if you want to learn how to be a better swinger, learn how to be "cold and strong," as you say, you might do some research into actual swinging.

Just off the top of my head, to prevent love from happening, there are things you must do as a swinger:

No kissing on the mouth
No extended eye contact
No cuddling-- after sex, get up and get dressed and go to the living room/kitchen, or leave
No actual sleeping together
No platonic vanilla dating, or if there is, it's better to try and be as casual, non-romantic, platonic as possible
No PDAs
Remember, swinging is usually a couple-centric activity. As a self-styled unicorn, you're at a disadvantage. You can be used and exploited and treated as a second class citizen. You can have great sex and be full of warm yummy oxytocin, and then need to go home to a lonely bed while the couple you fucked gets to cuddle, talk, sleep together. If you stay and enjoy those activities, you run the risk of catching feelings.
 
Hello UniqueUnicorn82,

I don't blame you for being scared. There is a lot that could go wrong. As for if another couple asks you out, I would let the first couple know. Could you date both couples? That's one solution that occurred to me.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I think people who only want to swing don't need to have rules to prevent themselves falling in love. While they might have rules like no kissing (not a very popular one), it's usually about a preference to keep some acts of intimacy between two people. Not so much because they fear falling in love if they do.

I know newbies might have such rules, kind of like many people entered poly with restrictive rules they look back and laugh at now. But I don't know any experienced swingers that need to proactively prevent themselves falling in love. Even if some can be guarded against new people wanting more than they offer.
 
Back
Top