Unintentionally crossed a boundary

I'm very sorry to hear this, it was looking like they were going to forgive you, but now it seems like they've changed their minds. I'm very sorry Birch is evicting you.
 
Ashgirl224 said:
Luckily, my doctor help me navigate my medication and my therapist helped refocus my brain, though I didn't feel completely calm until I got ahold of my dad who luckily grew up in a huge family and had many years knowing how to navigate complex dynamics. Plus he made sure I had a backup plan in case I had to find a new place to live so I can finish graduate school. Though none of them fully understood poly relationships they did their best to help make sense of the situation.
Click to expand...
I read the update, and while I sympathize with your turn for the worst, I want to emphasize this again.

I recently realized I have a habit of triggering therapists/counselors who presume I don’t know what I’m talking about. Not every therapist is good or worth talking to.

I don’t talk to my dad because he’s a fascist.

You are so lucky/blessed/whatever your chosen nomenclature is. Please refocus some more. You are young, and there is plenty of time to find the biggest love of your life. For now, do school, get a good job and a place for yourself. Establish yourself so that you can come from a place that reflects what you are: a desirable partner people should count themselves lucky to have in their lives, even when she messes up.

Everybody messes up, and I can’t see your apologies as being misinterpreted. They know exactly how awful you feel and I don’t think you should want any more chances with these folks. They sound unpleasant to actually live with, because life is usually kinda messy, and literally exiling people is genuinely insane. You dodged a bullet.
 
So, update following the meeting:

The meeting was truly a polycule "family meeting." We took turns talking about boundaries, and basically talked a lot about the podcast people for Multiamory, to help make sure we're all on the same page and what will cause us to end relationships. It felt like other talks we had as a group.

Since that was the entire meeting, and I still had questions that were not answered, my boyfriend Mapel took time out of his rest time (works night shifts) to help clarify everything. And y'all, I learned that two people can have the same conversation and both understood two separate things. My conversation about Oak was confused with Mapel and Oak's one-on-one conversation.

In Mapel's eyes, both Oak and I said we were not going to pursue anything beyond platonic, ever. I finally understand now why what we did was seen as cheating. Even if I was ok in my pov, what's important is to make sure everyone is on the same page when trying to explore/try new things.

Plus the more we talked, the more I figured out how everyone is different and will view things differently, due to that.

Speaking of miscommunication, turns out Birch has very little to influence over my eviction. Her mom (who owns the house) and I were miscommunicating over my role in the house. She wanted me to automatically know what chores she wanted me to do, and when they need to be done by. The first time we started having a falling out, I, being the idiot with ADHD and brain damage, didn't realize that any place that her bare feet would touch needs to be almost sterile (true medical related reasons) but she didn't tell me until after she hired a maid to come in occasionally. When asking for help, (since I can't read minds) she lectured me about how she's not my mom to nag me to clean.

Plus she told me the reason I was there was to focus on graduate school first.

The other main issue (granted, this information was given to me by a 3rd party) was apparently she overheard me call her derogatory names. (Idk if I'm allowed to say it.) I legit do not remember calling her that. So either my memory is was worse than I thought or she misheard me. Birch was trying to keep the peace (still barely any notification) but after the innocent where she was hurt by actions I was a part of, Birch stopped trying to stop her mom from kicking me out. I see the logic here, but still awful feeling.

So I woke up the next day with the idea to start packing, and wait to hear about other stuff, then go and do clinical. But my ADHD, plus anxiety got me pushed up and ready to move out in about 9 hrs. My only breaks were bathroom and filling out forms online. Now I'm at my brother's place. He lives about over an hour from everything I currently must go, between now and the end of my schooling. But hey, at least I know how he communicates.
 
Ashgirl224 said:
Hello, I'm new to polyamory, but been ethically non-monogamous for a few years now. My boyfriend was in an established polycule before we met. They welcomed me in, and our kitchen table polycule seemed good.

I've been working through my hypersexuality wants and desires with my therapist and boyfriend. I had talks about how I was feeling, and asked for his input.

I found another member of our polycule attractive and had thoughts of pursuing him. Originally, after talking it out with my boyfriend, we knew this member identified as asexual but panromantic, and thought with my other needs/wants that maybe I shouldn't try and pursue it any further.

After spending the day together, I told him I would hang out longer at his place to keep his roommate (the asexual polycule member that I mentioned before) company watching anime. The roommate and I started talking and connecting. I learned that sex wasn't off the table just because he was asexual. While processing this information, our impulsive behavior (we both have adhd) got the better of us. We continued to tease and flirt, and then we were having sex.

I admit that not stopping after learning that revelation, and telling my boyfriend about the new development so he could give his input, was the boundary I crossed. I'm not trying to escape from that. But while trying to communicate and process what had happened with my boyfriend, I discovered that crossing that boundary meant we cheated in the eyes of the rest of the polycule.

I know what I did was wrong, and they want space and time to process it. But my trauma response is getting triggered by the silent treatment. I'm trying to work through it in therapy. (I've already had two emergency session due to panic attacks.) But since I'm my therapist's first client, we're at a loss of trying to understand and process everything, because I can't answer her clarifying questions about polyamory.

I'm trying to work through my emotions of the event, only to be told that it was cheating when trying to ask these questions to my polycule and then met with silence. Even the one who committed the act with me stopped responding. I know that they want time and space, but the silence is hurting. Idk what I'm trying to ask for, or what I'm trying to say. I just feel so helpless and out of control. My body is in fight or flight and my heart is physically causing pain my chest, which is how I know I'm having a panic attack. And no matter what I do, I can't stop the pain. I want this panic attack to stop, so I can think and act appropriately. But even after therapy sessions and doing calming techniques, the moment I go back to the event, and knowing how much pain I've caused, the chest pain starts to happen.

Maybe this chest pain is deserved for breaking trust. But I want it to stop so I can stay calm and be able to do what needs to be done. But the more it hurts, the more I want to reach out and beg for forgiveness, despite them clearly stating they need space. My trauma response is wanting a physical punishment, rather than the silence. It doesn't help that I live with one of the members, and she literally told me to think about my place in her home. So now I'm panicking about becoming homeless at any second and I'm scared to do anything.
Click to expand...
I'm struggling to see how a boundary that was never communicated can be "ignored."

I think it's very unfair you are being treated as though you've done something wrong here.

Don't get me wrong. I want to know as SOON as my partner harbours intent to pursue someone, and would be furious if he just jumped into something without so much as a "So there is this woman," but that's more about deceit through omission and communication. It doesn't seem like that's what happened here.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top