Unintentionally crossed a boundary

A

Ashgirl224

New member
Hello, I'm new to polyamory, but been ethically non-monogamous for a few years now. My boyfriend was in an established polycule before we met. They welcomed me in, and our kitchen table polycule seemed good.

I've been working through my hypersexuality wants and desires with my therapist and boyfriend. I had talks about how I was feeling, and asked for his input.

I found another member of our polycule attractive and had thoughts of pursuing him. Originally, after talking it out with my boyfriend, we knew this member identified as asexual but panromantic, and thought with my other needs/wants that maybe I shouldn't try and pursue it any further.

After spending the day together, I told him I would hang out longer at his place to keep his roommate (the asexual polycule member that I mentioned before) company watching anime. The roommate and I started talking and connecting. I learned that sex wasn't off the table just because he was asexual. While processing this information, our impulsive behavior (we both have adhd) got the better of us. We continued to tease and flirt, and then we were having sex.

I admit that not stopping after learning that revelation, and telling my boyfriend about the new development so he could give his input, was the boundary I crossed. I'm not trying to escape from that. But while trying to communicate and process what had happened with my boyfriend, I discovered that crossing that boundary meant we cheated in the eyes of the rest of the polycule.

I know what I did was wrong, and they want space and time to process it. But my trauma response is getting triggered by the silent treatment. I'm trying to work through it in therapy. (I've already had two emergency session due to panic attacks.) But since I'm my therapist's first client, we're at a loss of trying to understand and process everything, because I can't answer her clarifying questions about polyamory.

I'm trying to work through my emotions of the event, only to be told that it was cheating when trying to ask these questions to my polycule and then met with silence. Even the one who committed the act with me stopped responding. I know that they want time and space, but the silence is hurting. Idk what I'm trying to ask for, or what I'm trying to say. I just feel so helpless and out of control. My body is in fight or flight and my heart is physically causing pain my chest, which is how I know I'm having a panic attack. And no matter what I do, I can't stop the pain. I want this panic attack to stop, so I can think and act appropriately. But even after therapy sessions and doing calming techniques, the moment I go back to the event, and knowing how much pain I've caused, the chest pain starts to happen.

Maybe this chest pain is deserved for breaking trust. But I want it to stop so I can stay calm and be able to do what needs to be done. But the more it hurts, the more I want to reach out and beg for forgiveness, despite them clearly stating they need space. My trauma response is wanting a physical punishment, rather than the silence. It doesn't help that I live with one of the members, and she literally told me to think about my place in her home. So now I'm panicking about becoming homeless at any second and I'm scared to do anything.
 
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Hello Ashgirl224,

It sounds like you kind of hit a gray area, your boyfriend knew you were interested in the roommate, so it wasn't a total surprise when you had sex with the roommate, it's not like you didn't have your boyfriend's consent, plus your boyfriend has multiple partners and shouldn't be mad at you when you have two. It sounds like the rest of the polycule is the problem, they can have multiple partners but apparently you can't -- not unless you get their okay for a specific person beforehand. I guess you and the roommate were a little sloppy about diving into sex, but as I said this is a gray area. I assume they told the roommate to cut contact with you? You did not cause this, the roommate was complicit.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
That's why I feel so confused. My only thought was he didn't tell his partners he was thinking about me in that way. And we blindsided everyone. I'm trying to process that the person I was attracted to was willing to be physical, but is not allowed to pursue this new development. I'm hitting a brick wall and others not in the polycule are also confused. Now I'm questioning if I'm missing something, or don't remember something that would explain this drastic reaction. But trying to figure that out, I'm hit with, "Give us time and space." I want to respect that, I really do. But I'm so confused and scared.
 
I don't blame you for being confused and scared, they kind of blindsided you with their reaction. It seems to me that they didn't sit down with you ahead of time and inform you about what the rules and boundaries were. All you knew is that they were polyamorous, and as such, could be expected to be okay with two people in their polycule starting a new relationship. Granted there was a lack of communication all around, but they should not be putting all the blame on you, they played their own role in this fiasco. I think the thing for you to do now is, start looking for a new place to live. Then cut ties with the polycule, they are not good friends.
 
I agree with Kevin completely about making plans to get out of the whole situation and cut ties with this group of people.
 
Polycule = the collective unit of three or more poly-connected individuals. Think molecule, only each atom is a person, romantically connected to one or more other people.
 
Ashgirl224 said:
That's why I feel so confused. My only thought was he didn't tell his partners he was thinking about me in that way. And we blindsided everyone. I'm trying to process that the person I was attracted to was willing to be physical, but is not allowed to pursue this new development. I'm hitting a brick wall and others not in the polycule are also confused. Now I'm questioning if I'm missing something, or don't remember something that would explain this drastic reaction. But trying to figure that out, I'm hit with, "Give us time and space." I want to respect that, I really do. But I'm so confused and scared.
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It sounds like your bf's "polycule" is "poly-fidelitous." Often, poly-fi Vs, triads or bigger groups agree not to date any others, or at least, any new partner needs the acceptance of every member of the group. I am not sure if your actual bf needed the consent of the others to be able to date you.

Some clarifying questions, if you'd be so kind to answer:

How long have you been with your polyamorous bf?
Was he the first polyamorous relationship you've had?
How many people are in this so-called polycule?
Are other members of this group dating each other?
Are other members dating the so-called asexual one, or dating your bf?
Did your bf need the consent of the others to date you?
Did the other member need the consent of the others to have sex with you?
Are you okay with this "group-think", or does it seem too complicated?

I ask these because I want to understand the group's actual boundaries, and how much power they all have over adding new members.

I personally would never practice poly-fidelity. I think each member of a poly network should have complete autonomy over whom they date, or have sex with.

All that said, I know certain people with PTSD, who are on anti-depressants, and also have a medication they take in the short term in extreme circumstances when they become very overwhelmed or are panicking. It helps them to come to calm, maybe take a nap, and then they are able to be more rational and patient. Is your therapist aware of the use of these kinds of meds?

Do you need a more experienced therapist, especially one who specializes in alternative (maybe queer), ENM type relationships?

It's actually common in Non-Violent Communication to ask for a breather when things get heated. Generally people come to calm and then approach things more reasonably. I see you are used to physical punishment when you are at odds, so are craving that definite, but of course, highly abusive reaction. :( I am sure this is something that can take time to work through.
 
Magdlyn said:
It sounds like your bf's "polycule" is "poly-fidelitous." Often, poly-fi Vs, triads or bigger groups agree not to date any others, or at least, any new partner needs the acceptance of every member of the group. I am not sure if your actual bf needed the consent of the others to be able to date you.

Some clarifying questions, if you'd be so kind to answer:

How long have you been with your polyamorous bf?
Was he the first polyamorous relationship you've had?
How many people are in this so-called polycule?
Are other members of this group dating each other?
Are other members dating the so-called asexual one, or dating your bf?
Did your bf need the consent of the others to date you?
Did the other member need the consent of the others to have sex with you?
Are you okay with this "group-think", or does it seem too complicated?

I ask these because I want to understand the group's actual boundaries, and how much power they all have over adding new members.

I personally would never practice poly-fidelity. I think each member of a poly network should have complete autonomy over whom they date, or have sex with.

All that said, I know certain people with PTSD, who are on anti-depressants, and also have a medication they take in the short term in extreme circumstances when they become very overwhelmed or are panicking. It helps them to come to calm, maybe take a nap, and then they are able to be more rational and patient. Is your therapist aware of the use of these kinds of meds?

Do you need a more experienced therapist, especially one who specializes in alternative (maybe queer), ENM type relationships?

It's actually common in Non-Violent Communication to ask for a breather when things get heated. Generally people come to calm and then approach things more reasonably. I see you are used to physical punishment when you are at odds, so are craving that definite, but of course, highly abusive reaction. :( I am sure this is something that can take time to work through.
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How long have you been with your polyamorous bf?
8 months officially dating, 11 months knowing each other.

Was he the first polyamorous relationship you've had?
My other partner and I were in a FWB situation that turned serious. We tried to stay casual since I was moving across the country for graduate school. He and I been dating for over 1 1/2 years.

How many people are in this so-called polycule?
Over 10 people. We have a star chart to keep track of everyone.

Are other members of this group dating each other?
No, it feels like it grows outward, not as an intermix with others.

Are other members dating the so-called asexual one, or dating your bf?
My boyfriend's girlfriend is married to the asexual one and the asexual had two other partners, one I live with.

Did your bf need the consent of the others to date you?
Yes, he apparently gushed about me to them while we were in our talking phase.

Did the other member need the consent of the others to have sex with you?
I think he (unlike me) did not inform anyone about what his feelings towards me were. My boyfriend's last message to me was:
"Yeah, and to be real about it, there's no hate. It's more feeling left out of the know when I was like within 100 feet or so, and no input."
But I have no idea what's going through the other's thoughts.

Are you okay with this "group-think", or does it seem too complicated?
This is the first time the "group-think" was hard to follow. The last time we had drama was when the asexual had to break up with his girlfriend due to her and her husband breaking clear boundaries that even I, the newest member, knew.

The more I think about it, the more it feels that the asexual member blindsided everyone (including me) about his desires towards me. I knew he thought of me fawndly, and was capable of having sex, but wasn't aware fully of how that could all work and happen until I was in the moment.
Everything else among the group was fun and peaceful. I had many people supporting me through my schooling, people who understood my disabilities, friends with people who had similar interests as me. But I fucked everything up by giving in a moment of pleasure.

Funny enough, this was my greatest fear about my hypersexuality, and lo and behold, the fear came true.
 
Ashgirl224 said:
I want to agree but I should respect their want of space? How do I respect their want of time and space but not be silent?
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Fair enough!

To me, the silent treatment is an unwillingness to engage and a period of “freezing out” wherein the offending party is basically avoided.

When I require space, I say clearly how much time/space I think I will need and what I need from the other person in order to feel that I am getting those things. At no point is communication ever severed and after cooling off (if necessary) I would remain polite, respectful, and considerate during the discussed time period.

Wanting space is appropriate as a tool to use to work toward to collaborative outcome that considers the feelings and interests of all parties involved. It is used as a pause button to allow for a psychic catching of the breath, with every intention of communicating the desire to get back to it when it becomes appropriate, healthy, or whatever.

The silent treatment is punishment. There’s no interest in communication or in the health of the offender while they are being ostracized.

If a parent doing it to a child would be abuse, doing it to a partner (without consent; I see you, Spanking) should be a massive red flag

Edit: I don’t think they want space and time, I think they want to punish you, so I don’t respect their desire for “time and space” cuz I think it’s a lie
 
FeralGeek said:
To me, the silent treatment is an unwillingness to engage and a period of “freezing out” wherein the offending party is basically avoided.
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I can see it that way, but on the other hand, we don't even know how many people are asking for space. This could just be between Ash's own bf, and his OSO (Ash's metamour), who is married to the guy Ash had sex with. Then Ash's roommate, who doesn't seem to be directly involved in any of this, might be keeping her mouth shut to stay out of the drama. Otherwise, I am not sure how it's the rest of the gang's business who Ash bangs, and who this guy bangs.

BTW, Ash, would you please choose nicknames for your bf, his OSO, the guy you had sex with, and maybe your roommate? It would make things much clearer. It could just be tree names, like:

You're Ash.
Your bf is Maple.
His OSO is Willow.
The "asexual" one you had sex with is Oak.
Your roommate is Birch.
FeralGeek said:
When I require space, I say clearly how much time/space I think I will need, and what I need from the other person in order to feel that I am getting those things. At no point is communication ever severed, and after cooling off (if necessary), I would remain polite, respectful, and considerate during the discussed time period.
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Yes, if several people feel like they have a dog in this fight, they can set a time for reopening the discussion, maybe starting with Ash's bf "Maple." It sounds like he has the desire to be informed in advance if you are about to have sex with someone. Of course, this isn't always practical. If you're getting hot and heavy with someone, it doesn't feel great to have to stop the action to say, "Hey, hang on, I gotta go tell my bf I am about to have sex with you."

Some people make a deal to inform their partner ASAP after the sex as possible, definitely before having sex with their partner again.
FeralGeek said:
Wanting space is appropriate as a tool to use to work toward to collaborative outcome that considers the feelings and interests of all parties involved. It is used as a pause button to allow for a psychic catching of the breath, with every intention of communicating the desire to get back to it when it becomes appropriate, healthy, or whatever.

The silent treatment is punishment. There’s no interest in communication or in the health of the offender while they are being ostracized. I don’t think they want space and time, I think they want to punish you, so I don’t respect their desire for “time and space” cuz I think it’s a lie
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I am not sure if it's just needing time to catch their breath or not. It seems a jumping to conclusions to state unequivocally that it's the silent treatment, as abuse, and people are "lying."
 
Magdlyn said:
I am not sure if it's just needing time to catch their breath or not. It seems a jumping to conclusions to state unequivocally that it's the silent treatment, as abuse, and people are "lying."
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I don't disagree that all of my conclusions are based on very black and white interpretations that only feature one side of the story. Every opinion I have should of course be taken with as much salt as desired. Strong opinions, loosely held. I welcome all information that allows me to update my priors.

My experience with the silent treatment has been very consistent and generally traumatic, but it is my experience alone and I am but one person.
 
Magdlyn said:
I can see it that way, but on the other hand, we don't even know how many people are asking for space. This could just be between Ash's own bf, and his OSO (Ash's metamour), who is married to the guy Ash had sex with. Then Ash's roommate, who doesn't seem to be directly involved in any of this, might be keeping her mouth shut to stay out of the drama. Otherwise, I am not sure how it's the rest of the gang's business who Ash bangs, and who this guy bangs.

BTW, Ash, would you please choose nicknames for your bf, his OSO, the guy you had sex with, and maybe your roommate? It would make things much clearer. It could just be tree names, like:

You're Ash.
Your bf is Maple.
His OSO is Willow.
The "asexual" one you had sex with is Oak.
Your roommate is Birch.

Yes, if several people feel like they have a dog in this fight, they can set a time for reopening the discussion, maybe starting with Ash's bf "Maple." It sounds like he has the desire to be informed in advance if you are about to have sex with someone. Of course, this isn't always practical. If you're getting hot and heavy with someone, it doesn't feel great to have to stop the action to say, "Hey, hang on, I gotta go tell my bf I am about to have sex with you."

Some people make a deal to inform their partner ASAP after the sex as possible, definitely before having sex with their partner again.

I am not sure if it's just needing time to catch their breath or not. It seems a jumping to conclusions to state unequivocally that it's the silent treatment, as abuse, and people are "lying."
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My bf "Maple" and his OSO "Willow" are the main ones giving "Oak" the silent treatment. And I don't speak to "Willow" enough to feel the silent treatment. "Maple" kinda just stopped responding to me and left me on read. "Birch" has been with them longer than I had and I went to her to ask for help with my shock, and since she knew them best, how I could make the situation better, only for her to say she was hurt too, saw it as cheating and stated clearly she needed time and space, and told me to give them that too. To let them come to me, since I was the one who messed up.

But update!! We have set a day and time where we will gather with boundaries and other notes to help move past this incident. "Willow" put resources to help try to formulate calm ways of expressing everything. I also put worksheets that was given to me by my therapist and friends who work as licensed therapist for us to work through so we can have a healthy conversation.
 
Okay, it all sounds calmer now, quite rational and non-threatening. This issue Feral Geek called the silent treatment was actually people just retreating to calm down, and wanting to talk a a bit later to re-establish boundaries. Willow and Maple felt hurt. Willow and you don't talk much, so you didn't get the "silent treatment" from her. But you did have sex with her actual husband (Oak) without warning. Birch just seemed to want to mind her own business and not get involved.

I hope your talk goes well, and there won't be anymore impulsive behavior around sex. It sounds like a big balancing act to have so many people in the mix here. So everyone has to strive to be highly respectful.

I also have a high sex drive, but I can and do control myself. Having a high libido and ADD might be reasons for impulsively having sex with someone else's husband, but it's not an excuse. I'm glad you're in therapy, but I hope your therapist is not so new to her job that she's not giving you proper treatment.

I am sorry you had such a bad panic attack around your behavior and the others' response, that you felt like you deserved "physical punishment."
 
Magdlyn said:
Okay, it all sounds calmer now, quite rational and non-threatening. This issue Feral Geek called the silent treatment was actually people just retreating to calm down, and wanting to talk a a bit later to re-establish boundaries. Willow and Maple felt hurt. Willow and you don't talk much, so you didn't get the "silent treatment" from her. But you did have sex with her actual husband (Oak) without warning. Birch just seemed to want to mind her own business and not get involved.

I hope your talk goes well, and there won't be anymore impulsive behavior around sex. It sounds like a big balancing act to have so many people in the mix here. So everyone has to strive to be highly respectful.

I also have a high sex drive, but I can and do control myself. Having a high libido and ADD might be reasons for impulsively having sex with someone else's husband, but it's not an excuse. I'm glad you're in therapy, but I hope your therapist is not so new to her job that she's not giving you proper treatment.

I am sorry you had such a bad panic attack around your behavior and the others' response, that you felt like you deserved "physical punishment."
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I'm glad that there will be time to talk it out and clear up misunderstanding plus allow me to apologize for causing hurt (though it was not on purpose, they were hurt by my actions). Yes my therapist isn't new to her job. I made a mistake by assuming my previous discussions with "Mapel" were enough, and allowed myself to fall into the moment instead taking a breath.

My goal is to make sure I understand in full why they were hurt to make sure I don't hurt them again. I want us to use this time to rethink what the rules are and everyone's boundaries become known to the group. I had an extreme reaction because I wasn't processing everything fully.

Luckily, my doctor help me navigate my medication and my therapist helped refocus my brain, though I didn't feel completely calm until I got ahold of my dad who luckily grew up in a huge family and had many years knowing how to navigate complex dynamics. Plus he made sure I had a backup plan in case I had to find a new place to live so I can finish graduate school. Though none of them fully understood poly relationships they did their best to help make sense of the situation.

I'm extremely thankful for everyone replying to my thread. It helped guide me through things I needed to find answers for.
 
I'm so glad you were able to talk with your Dad and he's helped you make a back up accommodation plan. He sounds awesome.
 
Update before the meeting even starts
Birch and her mom gave me a 10 day eviction notice, and according to Google the law states that no rent payments means that 10 days is all she has to give me. So my rent free place that was close to my boyfriend's and the only expectation that my school was priority then helping around the house when I can is gone.
I now have to move an hour away into my newly divorced brother's house. Any hope that I'm not getting broken up with is all gone. I doubt he'll want to stay with me when I've already been cast aside by everyone else.
 
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