Update from previous posts

[SierraValley356]

Hey everyone,

I know I had quite a few people on here who were invested in my relationship with my ex, which was posted on here in two separate posts.
We are now about 10 weeks out from the breakup and we have been no contact for about 6 of those weeks. I had extended an offer of friendship to him, but he basically told me to kick rocks.

A few other people talked to me about the possibility that he had used me to monkey branch out of his failing marriage, and I now believe that is what happened.

I saw him post a personal ad on Reddit the other day, and he explicitly said in his post that he is not open to poly relationships. I hope he learned from our relationship that he isn't built for that kind of relationship, but I kind of think he already knew that. Part of me thinks he said he was poly to lure me in and try to convince me to leave my fiance, and then proceed to convince me to be monogamous with him. If I had left my fiance and moved in with him, I don't think he would have been okay with me seeing someone else.

I guess I don't have much to say besides the fact I am sad and hurt. He kinda took me for a ride and manipulated me to try and break my engagement, all for him to decide he is no longer interested in poly because it no longer serves him to be polyamorous.

I wish I didn't care so much about him after the damage he did to me. I wish this discovery made it so that I wasn't sad anymore about the breakup. But I'm still sad, and honestly, really angry at him for all of this.

Anyway, thank you all for being a part of this journey with me. I appreciate all the support you guys gave me trying to navigate this situation. It really helped validate my concerns.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Sierra,

In poly circles, we have a word for what Tyler was doing, it is called "cowboying." He was trying to "rope you off from the poly herd," so that he could have you all to himself. This isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened, as I said it's happened often enough that we have a word for it.

I am glad for any little way I can help. I think you are experiencing the grieving process, you are wishing that you could have stayed with him, you're probably going to feel that way for a long time, even if it doesn't make logical sense. I think venting here will probably help some, hang in there.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad you continue to heal.

We are now about 10 weeks out from the breakup and we have been no contact for about 6 of those weeks. I had extended an offer of friendship to him, but he basically told me to kick rocks.

You do not have to offer friendship. It's okay to do a plain break up. Friendship is not a "consolation prize" to a romantic break up. Friendships are valid relationships on their own.

Him telling you to kick rocks, rather than, "Thanks, but I prefer to be plain exes," in a polite way, kinda tells you that you did the right thing in dropping him.

A few other people talked to me about the possibility that he had used me to monkey branch out of his failing marriage, and I now believe that is what happened.

Yup, using you to get out of that, and as a free therapist, rather than getting an actual therapist and being okay on his own when divorcing.

I saw him post a personal ad on Reddit the other day and he explicitly said in his post that he is not open to poly relationships. I hope he learned from our relationship that he isn't built for that kind of relationship, but I kind of think he already knew that.

Stop peeking at his stuff online. What he does or does not do after the breakup is not your concern.

Part of me thinks he said he was poly to lure me in and try to convince me to leave my fiance, and then proceed to convince me to be monogamous with him. If I had left my fiance and moved in with him, I don't think he would have been okay with me seeing someone else.

I think you are right.

I guess I don't have much to say, besides the fact I am sad and hurt. He kinda took me for a ride and manipulated me to try and break my engagement - all for him to decide he is no longer interested in poly because it no longer serves him to be polyamorous.

It sounds like he basically said "whatever" in order to gain dating access to you.

It's okay to feel sad and hurt that he wanted to manipulate you like that. This breakup is still relatively fresh.

I wish I didn't care so much about him after the damage he did to me. I wish this discovery made it so that I wasn't sad anymore about the breakup. But, I'm still sad, and honestly, really angry at him for all of this.

It takes time to heal. Be okay with that. Take all the time you need.

Anyway, thank you all for being a part of this journey with me. I appreciate all the support you guys gave me trying to navigate this situation. It really helped validate my concerns.

Glad it helped you some.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

It can take a long time to get over a messy breakup, especially when you feel so betrayed and manipulated. I've been there. There was a time I was basically emotionally raked over the coals by a narcissist during a 2.5 year relationship (love bombing followed by demotion and devaluation, etc.). It took me 6 months to begin to feel back to normal, want to date again, etc. It left scars that, while they continue to fade, will always be there. But I also learned important lessons about looking out for red flags, which can be hard to miss in the excitement of NRE.

For grieving, I'd recommend allowing a certain amount of time in your day to allow the sadness and anger to wash over you, and then get on with your day, be productive, do nice things for yourself, lean on your partner and friends. Doing positive things will remind you of your own value, and build your self-esteem back up (if needed), and overall allow you to enjoy life to the fullest, as you deserve.

I understand the draw to check his social media on the downlow. It's not healthy, but it's understandable. Try to not do it, if you can. Make sure you block him everywhere. I'd thought I'd blocked my narcissist everywhere, and then, 5 years after our breakup, he wished me a happy birthday on one of my socials where I hadn't remembered to block him. It really creeped me out.

 

[Juan234]

Deep inside you have to say “no more,” all the way down to your core. He may hit a low, and then pretend otherwise, and hit you up again, being all friendly. Put on that “I Will Survive” song by Gloria Gaynor. He sounds like he may have a psychopathic personality. Those types tend to put on the charm when they want to, no matter what harm they have done in the past. Channel your energy to thank and appreciate in many forms anyone that has stood by you in high and low. Good luck.