"V" arm dynamics

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
I have a few questions about the arms of a "V":

What kind of dynamics are seen between the arms of a "V"?
I'm sure it presents itself in a lot of ways, what are the ways you've experienced?

How does trust form between the arms of the "V"?

I'm sensing an initial distrust between Dean and Blue Eyes, makes perfect sense to me since Dean doesn't know Blue Eyes. I'm sure it's complicated by other factors as well.

I'm just wondering how this develops into something else.

What might this look like?
 
Really as many combos of human interactions as there are is the possibilities. Some metamours (the arms of the "V"), or metas, for short, are super close and like BFFs, some don't even really know each other and have never met, some met but don't really like each other, some think the other is ok, but don't want to spend a ton of time with them. It all very much depends on the personalities of the individuals and how they envision poly working for them.

If one partner naturally distrusts another because they don't know each other, one solution is to see if both partners are willing to meet and make the effort to get to know one another. But it generally doesn't go well if that is forced on either or both partners.

The other important thing is that the arms of the V need to be able to trust the hinge to manage their relationships. Even if one arm doesn't trust the other, does that arm trust the hinge to keep agreements? If so, then they should try not to concern themselves so much with managing someone else and remember that they trust their partner, which is what matters.
 
What kind of dynamics are seen between the arms of a "V"?
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  • Don't talk to each other much at all, except for calendar, sex health labs, etc. VERY separate.
  • Might be acquaintances that get together (like for hinge's bday, or thanksgiving dinner) and be polite, but not be buddy-buddy or go out of their way to get together.
  • Might be friends
  • Might be close friends
  • Might be lovers
  • Some kind of combo of the above

Really it can be however those two V arm people want to be/relate. It is up to them. A hinge can introduce them, and leave it to them to figure out how they naturally want to be.

How does trust form between the arms of the "V"?
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Up to the V arm people, but I don't see it as any different than trust developing between any other kind of people. It takes time.

I'm sensing an initial distrust between Dean and Blue Eyes, makes perfect sense to me since Dean doesn't know Blue Eyes. I'm sure it's complicated by other factors as well.
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Sure. If they are strangers to each other right now? Makes sense.

I'm just wondering how this develops into something else.
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That's up to them. Not you.

To me? The health of a larger polyship is made up of all the little mini relationships within it. With your 3 people the layers might look something like this... I quote just to visually block it off.

SOLOS

How these people relate to themselves, if they are emotionally honest with themselves or tell themselves stories, etc.

  • You <---> you
  • Dean <--> Dean
  • Blue Eyes <--> Blue Eyes

DUOS

How these people relate with each other.

  • You <--> Dean
  • You <--> Blue Eyes
  • Dean <--> Blue Eyes (<-- example problem area)

TRIPLES

How these people deal with those two other people.
  • (You + Dean) <--> Blue Eyes
  • (You + Blue Eyes) <--> Dean
  • (Dean + Blue Eyes) <--> You

ALL

How all these people work as a group.

  • You + Dean + Blue Eyes

PARTINGS/EXES

How to relate with each other if for some reason things have to end. Even all the way to everyone single and everyone broken up. There can be good partings or bad ones.

  • (You + Dean) - Blue Eyes
  • (You + Blue Eyes) - Dean
  • (Dean + Blue Eyes) - You
  • You - Dean - Blue Eyes
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So in a 3 people thing, there's all those mini relationships going on. There can be "ripple effects" in a polyship and sometimes people don't know what layer they came from.

For example, if (Dean + Blue) eyes cannot manage to get along, not even as a respectful but very separate V? That's the first problem area. In every mini relationship tier where that pair of names appears? Including parting ways? There might be friction as a result.

Friction isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes there's growing pains to new things. And doing effective conflict resolution? That helps build trust. You figure out the other persons aren't out to get you, they are willing to try to work things out, etc.

Sometimes it tells you that this grouping isn't deeply compatible, and rather than trying to force it, it might be best to let it go. You figure out the other persons are not out to get you, they are willing to try to work things out by letting things go in a respectful parting. You might be sad about parting, but you can trust the other person isn't being a jerk about it.

Galagirl
 
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Mitch and Woof have met a few times. They aren't much alike, and aren't interested in friendship. They don't maintain any kind of contact, as they don't live near each other, and I handle all of the scheduling. They can contact each other in an emergency.

If, for some reason, Mitch is in Woof's town while I'm spending time with all of the kids (Mitch's one and Woof's three), we might all seven have a meal together and/or spend a few minutes at Woof's place. They are cordial to each other in person, and generous about each other in absence (for instance, when talking to the kids about the other).

For these two real people, I don't think them being relationally closer would be helpful to me. I can certainly imagine scenarios with abstract characters where friendlier V-arms would be helpful and fun. But there is no benefit to urging it on real people.
 
Hi BIS,

In my V, the two arms of the V are friends, while not having everything in common. And I would say that trust formed between these two friends as part of a gradual process. People can't suddenly trust each other, they have to learn trust over time.

I hope this helps in your situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
BathedInSalt said:
I have a few questions about the arms of a "V":

What kind of dynamics are seen between the arms of a "V"?
I'm sure it presents itself in a lot of ways, what are the ways you've experienced?
Click to expand...

In relationship past, I was once involved in a 5-person household that was arranged basically as two linked “V”s… as a “W” maybe? Basically, there were three hinges and three Vs amongst the five of us. (MonkeyMan + me + Jester) (me + Jester + GreenLantern) (Jester + GreenLantern + Rockhound) Each of the relationships between the various arms of the various Vs was different, of course, but did share a certain amount of closeness/friendliness. Our polycule lasted through a few different living arrangements, various outside dalliances, three internal marriages (legal and not), and after about five years, melted down spectacularly. (Five person polycules are pretty tough to do.)

But about the Vs, I’d describe the dynamics generally like this:
(MonkeyMan/Jester) Friendly, teasing, somewhat passive-aggressive/disrespectful on Jester’s part.
(me/GreenLantern) Friendly, flirty, chill.
(Jester/Rockhound) Very friendly (possibly a little too overbearing on Rockhound’s part) and outwardly friendly but laced with subsurface jealousy/resentment on Jester’s part.

And in my relationship present, in a “V” with MonkeyMan and long distance love RacingSnail, the dynamic is still developing. Slow work, but nobody is uncomfortable with it so far. I would say that for now:
(MonkeyMan/RacingSnail) Assuming good intent of each other; willing to grow their currently tenuous connection when they’re in the same place but not making efforts to do it remotely; generous.

BathedInSalt said:
How does trust form between the arms of the "V"?
Click to expand...
I feel like the short answer here is ‘in action’. As the two people witness each other handling whatever comes up, and as they witness how each of them treats their common partner. That can happen in person, directly, if they choose to form their relationship deliberately. But it can also happen more distantly, through what they hear their hinge saying and how they see their hinge thriving or struggling.

Basically, I try not to interfere with other people’s relationships… even including the one between my live-in partner and long-distance love. They get to work out for themselves how they feel about each other and how they want to act around each other. I just know they’re both great people, and trust that they’ll each be able to see that about the other. I guess also, since we haven’t (as a group) struggled with jealousy much, it helps that I feel comfortable saying great things about one partner in front of the other. I tend to assume that the more one of them hears about the other one being great in relationship with me, the more he’ll appreciate and respect his meta as much as I do, and vice versa. Of course, that’s just part of how I do relationships in general. I’m always reminding everyone around me of how great I think they are and how much I value what they bring to my life. YMMV!

And thanks for the prompt to my thinking. :)
 
For me, it helps to know and let people know up front. I'll let them know I'm fine with occasional meetups and being a casual acquaintance. I'm not fine with being expected to be one of three musketeers or anything like that. Seems much better to me than winging it after the fact, plus it weeds out people who seem to thrive on the latter.

If one of my partners didn't trust her meta I would see that as they don't trust me. That is something we would have to work out.
 
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