Valentines bust...

A

Astirarose

New member
So, Normally my Husband and I dont do a lot for valentines, but we generally try to do something small at least. (Flowers, spend time together, ect).

Now we are heading out this week (Friday) to meet our friends out of state (His online GF).

So yesterday we were in the store, and keep in mind we are saving up for this trip so were not spending on extras, and he brings up he wants to bring her Michigan Cider (He also said whiskey for her husband).

She loves cider, so does he, and there is a short supply of varieties where she lives. Very thoughtful.

But, Yesterday, although we keep things small for V day, I thought I might at least get flowers.

Today, since they were half off and I sent him to the store I thought he might buy me flowers (especially after we talked about how much I like getting them yesterday).

Nothing. I'm being butthurt. Part of me feels like I might be being childish?
Now I'm running the circles of, he was so thoughtful wanting to buy her a gift for our trip down, but why didnt he think to buy me flowers yesterday?

On top of it, when he did go to the store today he bought me chocolate ice cream (girl issues), but even as he surprised me with it, said "I know you dont usually like ice cream but I saw it and thought you might like it" So there is that guilt for me on top of it. Even though, I'm not a fan of ice cream.

Please if my thought process is messed up here, or I'm being childish be blunt.

Were very new to this.
 
And after writing that I realize I am being childish.. Because I'm not crediting him for all the improvements that have happened. How much more attentive he has been at times than he ever has been.
 
Hi Astirarose,

It's hard to say why your husband didn't get you flowers. He did think of something else (the ice cream). He is not good at identifying what you want and when you want it. Could you ask him for flowers the next time you want flowers? rather than just drop hints? He might need that guidance.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Astirarose,
Hello.....I am, also, new, so NO judgments coming from me!!! These little intricacies of poly living seem like unimportant things, but in the grand scheme, they are worth more than their weight in gold.
Example, My husband and I (together for 8 years), have been dating our gf for 17 months. She's "technically" my gf, and they're sexual together, with no rules, altho they choose not to participate in those activities without me....see? Already, lots of complexities.
My gf and I had the EASIEST relationship for months. It was SO easy, that we failed to discuss things that should have been talked about concerning the addition of a new member(s). We probably, looking back, did not think we needed to. Rookie move. We should have, and we should always, discuss things. Maybe, you guys come up with a little agreement, that until you're totally settled with your situation, he could maybe ask your advice on gifts for her? Then your input in there, it's something you helped him decide upon, rather than feeling like you get the shaft, which I have TOTALLY felt.
And, maybe he can get you a little something as well? If it's not financially feasible, maybe come up with some other heartfelt ideas? It almost ruined my relationship, and some simple convo could have totally prevented this from happening. We're still together, and I am thankful!!!! But, I certainly regret not having discussions that should have happened.......
 
If you want flowers, ask for flowers.

Today, since they were half off and I sent him to the store I thought he might buy me flowers (especially after we talked about how much I like getting them yesterday).
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That's not asking for flowers. That's hoping he will "mind reader" you.

Nothing. I'm being butthurt. Part of me feels like I might be being childish? Now I'm running the circles of, he was so thoughtful wanting to buy her a gift for our trip down, but why didnt he think to buy me flowers yesterday?
Click to expand...

Because his brain was full of trip stuff yesterday, and you normally don't do Valentine's stuff?

No need to call yourself names like "childish." It's ok to be disappointed there were no flowers. But if you want to avoid disappointment in future because you have discovered you need a little "before care" before he goes stuff with his GF (even if you come along on trip), address it constructively. You may find you want "after care" also. Talk this stuff out.

On top of it, when he did go to the store today he bought me chocolate ice cream (girl issues), but even as he surprised me with it, said "I know you dont usually like ice cream but I saw it and thought you might like it" So there is that guilt for me on top of it. Even though, I'm not a fan of ice cream.
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New opportunity presents itself to clarify that "shopping thing."

Could say "Thank you so much for the surprise! I appreciate you thinking of me! In future, could you please be willing to pick from chocolate candy, flowers, etc instead? I'm really not a fan of ice cream. That part could improve. I don't want to make you feel bad about it -- I really do love the effort! Maybe just fine tune it some?"

I want surprises. My spouse needs lists because he feels lost without them.

So easiest way so we both get some of what we want is for me to provide a list of "Top 5" and then he can rotate those around so I'm surprised which it turned out to be. And he can relax because he has a list where he cannot "screw up" because he know I like ALL the choices on the list.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the advice guys.. Yes I feel like its the little intricacies that end up catching us off guard. The larger things, of course we think to talk about and discuss.!

I will update on our trip. I'm hoping it ends up being a great time, I am thankful she and I are also good friends so I think that helps in this situation.
 
it was a holiday struggle within our poly-quad too. Gift giving in a long-established relationship vs the gifts (and effort) made in the new relationships caused some tension and hurt feelings. Is one of those times that up-front communication about expectations around Vday gifts would have been good vs missed expectations based on assumptions made.

Seems to be a common theme - we call it "effort issues" here. Is a dynamic we continue to work through :)
 
This is why I've always kept my relationships seperate. Nobody knows what I buy as gifts for other partners, therefore there is none of this comparing going on.
 
vinsanity0 said:
This is why I've always kept my relationships seperate. Nobody knows what I buy as gifts for other partners, therefore there is none of this comparing going on.
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This ...
 
vinsanity0 said:
This is why I've always kept my relationships seperate. Nobody knows what I buy as gifts for other partners, therefore there is none of this comparing going on.
Click to expand...

Couldn't agree with this more. That's how I mostly run all my relationships unless its already a group of people who know each other. Any overlaps cause issues inside and outside of poly when comparing is involved.

As far as the O.P. definitely speaking up about wants desires is important. You can also do emails to hold onto for the other partner. I find this helps for yearly stuff. Or reminders in Google calendar. :)
 
vinsanity0 said:
This is why I've always kept my relationships seperate. Nobody knows what I buy as gifts for other partners, therefore there is none of this comparing going on.
Click to expand...


This is definitely an excellent point. I found that even talking about my partner's new partner added to my feelings of jealously/envy. This is a conundrum I experience often. We were best friends before starting to date. We used to tell each other everything! That has changed, but it's ok. It is a natural evolution of a relationship. But, certainly something we've taken notice of.
 
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