Very new and I want to learn more

[Awkwrdllama]

My name is Joey. I’m 36 years old and I am very new to the idea of being in a polyamorous relationship.

Recently I was in a relationship with on of my closest friends of close to 20 years. Her and I have always stayed in contact and have always seemed to come back to each other. Around September of last year(2022) we started dating and eventually started an exclusive relationship. During that time we causally spoke about having an open relationship because she has always been bi-sexual with a dominant preference towards females. I have always know this and I have always supported her. Not to long after we discussed an open relationship I started to have increased panic attacks because I was allowing my own insecurities and anxiety create a nonexistent narrative about how she was going to leave me. Up until recently I have suffered because I devalued myself. Unfortunately around the start of the year we broke up and I felt very hurt and felt that my fears were validated. There were a few month that we did not speak to each other and initially I felt depressed. Close to two weeks ago she reached out to me to see how I was doing. I initially felt some trepidation in even talking but because I started therapy and started to work on myself I felt that it was ok to share and speak with her in a friendly manner. Well as it tends to happen with her and I once we started speaking again the connection was instant. Not too long after messaging each other I asked if she wanted to go to dinner, as a way to strengthen our friendship. A few days before our specified evening I was in the area and she asked me to stop by her house. I said yes because not only do I care about her, I care about her four children. I wanted to see everyone again because they have always brought more happiness into my life. After a few hours of sitting around her dining room table and having a few laughs I had to leave because I needed to head home and prepare for the next days work. She walked me out and we talked for a few more minutes and we both felt that there was still a romantic connection between us. After a few days of messaging and talking on the phone we had the talk. We spoke about not putting a label on our relationship and the possibility of having an open or polyamorous relationship.

I’m here to learn and understand what it means to be in a poly or CNM relationship. I’ve always been open to well everything but I am very uneducated to this new adventure. I’ve been reading and scouring different social media sites as well as dedicated sites a d forums. I’ve learn a good bit about myself but I want to know more

 

[Magdlyn]

My name is Joey. I’m 36 years old and I am very new to the idea of being in a polyamorous relationship.

Welcome to the board.

Recently I was in a relationship with one of my closest friends, of close to 20 years. She and I have always stayed in contact and have always seemed to come back to each other.

Around September of last year (2022) we started dating and eventually started an exclusive relationship. During that time, we causally spoke about having an open relationship because she has always been bisexual with a dominant preference towards females. I have always known this and I have always supported her.

There is always a risk when we transition a long-standing platonic friendship to a romantic one that we will end up wrecking the friendship if the romance doesn't work out. Also, it is fairly common for a poly person to be mono with a new partner for a while (if they aren't already dating others) because the thrill of a new romance is pretty overwhelming. But usually this mono period is limited to months, or a couple of years, when the infatuation period (NRE) ends.

Not too long after we discussed an open relationship, I started to have increased panic attacks because I was allowing my own insecurities and anxiety to create a nonexistent narrative about how she was going to leave me. Up until recently, I have suffered because I devalued myself. Unfortunately, around the start of the year we broke up, and I felt very hurt and felt that my fears were validated. There were a few months that we did not speak to each other and initially I felt depressed.

Sometimes we can manifest our worst fears by focusing on them. You want your friend to be her authentic self, but at the same time you have attachment anxiety and trouble trusting people. Somehow you thought she'd find someone "better" than you, even though she seems to want to date both you and a special woman as well, one of each gender.

Has she had a long history of dating women? How has that gone? Has she dated multiple people at once before, both male and female?

Close to two weeks ago, she reached out to me to see how I was doing. I initially felt some trepidation in even talking, but because I'd started therapy and started to work on myself I felt that it was ok to share and speak with her in a friendly manner.

Good for you for getting therapy. How long have you been doing that? Are you honest with your therapist about trying to date an old friend who is bisexual and polyamorous, and how that makes you feel?

Well, as it tends to happen with her, once we started speaking again the connection was instant. Not too long after messaging each other, I asked if she wanted to go to dinner, as a way to strengthen our friendship. A few days before our specified evening I was in the area and she asked me to stop by her house. I said yes because not only do I care about her, I care about her four children. I wanted to see everyone again because they have always brought more happiness into my life.

Sure. They must feel like family.

After a few hours of sitting around her dining room table and having a few laughs I had to leave because I needed to head home and prepare for the next day's work. She walked me out and we talked for a few more minutes and we both felt that there was still a romantic connection between us. After a few days of messaging and talking on the phone we had the talk. We spoke about not putting a label on our relationship and the possibility of having an open or polyamorous relationship.

Well, calling your relationship open or polyamorous is labelling it. You can call her your girlfriend even if she is dating others.

Do you want her to be your only partner? Have you had any monogamous romantic relationships before? How have they gone?

I’m here to learn and understand what it means to be in a poly or CNM relationship. I’ve always been open to well everything but I am very uneducated to this new adventure. I’ve been reading and scouring different social media sites as well as dedicated sites a d forums. I’ve learn a good bit about myself but I want to know more

I highly recommend getting the book Opening Up, by Taorimino. It covers all the bases, the mistakes, the negotiations poly people (or swingers) make to be successful. Meanwhile, just start reading threads here that seem interesting or pertinent to you. You can also start a thread of your own with specific questions in the Polyamorous Relationships section.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Joey,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Opening Up (Tristan Taormino) is an excellent book, it covers a broad spectrum of CNM relationships. Also I enthusiastically recommend that you immerse yourself in this website. Read and post; raise any questions you might have. For now, just know that communication is an important part of polyamory; also there are many forms (shapes) of polyamory, but the V seems to be the most promising.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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