Very NEW to this…

[SavingOurMarriage]

My husband and I have been married 17 years, together 19. As any marriage lots of ups and downs and not always in the bedroom.
He wants outside partner(s) at this time I do not. For him it’s a purely sexual desire not an outside emotional connection.
I’m here to gather as much information for us and to better understand how one safely finds others to meet this need.
We have a list of boundaries we have started creating.
My questions are:
Is it normal to just seek these encounters for sexual satisfaction only? Or is it more of a relationship?

I’ve seen post about finding local communities? Do I just google that?

Is keeping something like this just to ourselves an option? (We do not want family and friends to know)

Is it acceptable for only one partner in the marriage to partake and the other not?

I think I’ll start there . I’ve ordered the book Opening Up for him and I to read.

Ultimately my goal in us doing this (my idea to explore actually) came from his desire to possibly separate because of a desire for additional sex. With the traditional rules that meant we could not stay happily married and him fulfill his needs. I then started researching this open idea to allow him a safe and healthy option to meet his needs and save our marriage.

I’m open to knowledge of others, advice etc. I want our marriage to continue but I know he has needs I can’t always fulfill.

I hope I did this correctly and TIA for your help.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

For him it’s a purely sexual desire not an outside emotional connection.

Reality: few people wanting an open relationship make that distinction. They just want intimacy with other people. It's usually the reluctant partner who pushes for this definitive statement or to assuage a reluctant partner that the wannabe poly person says something like this.

I’m here to gather as much information for us and to better understand how one safely finds others to meet this need.

If you don't want partners, I don't see how you can gather much information for a man dating women. He needs to do that.

If you're asking how it can be "safe" for your marriage, you're already here admitting that your marriage is in serious trouble (hence your username) and I can tell you this poly thing is extremely unlikely to help save your relationship.

Is it normal to just seek these encounters for sexual satisfaction only? Or is it more of a relationship?

Some people do but those people really do desire sexual encounters only. They naturally avoid relationships that will violate those boundaries. Nobody has to make a rule or tell them.

Most polyamorous people want full relationships with more than one person. Ones where there is no restriction on intimacy. Even when people think they don't want that, many people who go in thinking to keep it "sex only" find out they do to the extreme upset of their reluctant partner who feels tricked.

Is keeping something like this just to ourselves an option? (We do not want family and friends to know)

Yes. It can make it harder to find other partners and in longer term relationships.

Is it acceptable for only one partner in the marriage to partake and the other not?

Yes. Everyone only needs to have the sex and intimacy they want to have.

I then started researching this open idea to allow him a safe and healthy option to meet his needs and save our marriage.

It's unlikely to work. He might be one of those guys who really just wants sex with other people but the reality more often than not is like us poly people, he wants to have more than one partner. Or sadly, maybe just a different partner altogether

 

[Maur]

Let me add two things that stand out:

1) It's unrealistic to makevplans about not developing feelings. It is somewhat realistic to make plans to not act on them (in practice, it means that 'only sex no love' is worthless promise/rule; 'only casual sex no relationship' is somewhat possible but rather troublesome if feelings appear)

2) Really consider the (potential) other person. They might and will have their own ideas about it. For example, you asked if it's possible to keep it away from your friends. Perhaps for youband husband, but did you consider the new person opinion on this?

Opening book is great book that nevertheless will not help. It's very optimistic and book in general cannot be very specific and adress all issues (iirc you already raised some Taormino does not talk about). That said, read it, absolutely. (And it will point you at swinging - not sure why you guys started with poly if it's supposed to be about sex only?)

 

[SavingOurMarriage]

Thank you
Our marriage has been extremely strong and good in all areas but the bedroom, until recently, which now has improved. But he wants to explore so needles to say his first thought was I wouldn’t consider others. While I’m not ready to partake in additions him having an extra May be an option.

Therefore this has become the conversation.

Some of my questions/comments may not have been explained that well, I apologize

However I understand what you are saying.

Thank you

 

[SavingOurMarriage]

Let me add two things that stand out:

1) It's unrealistic to makevplans about not developing feelings. It is somewhat realistic to make plans to not act on them (in practice, it means that 'only sex no love' is worthless promise/rule; 'only casual sex no relationship' is somewhat possible but rather troublesome if feelings appear)

2) Really consider the (potential) other person. They might and will have their own ideas about it. For example, you asked if it's possible to keep it away from your friends. Perhaps for youband husband, but did you consider the new person opinion on this?

Opening book is great book that nevertheless will not help. It's very optimistic and book in general cannot be very specific and adress all issues (iirc you already raised some Taormino does not talk about). That said, read it, absolutely. (And it will point you at swinging - not sure why you guys started with poly if it's supposed to be about sex only?)

Honestly this may not be the right thing for us. We may be missing the entire process and understanding. We just felt like starting somewhere. If there is something else out there that’s a better fit for us. By all means direct me that way.

Goal. Us to continue to be together, raise our family, enjoy our sex life. He just wants to add partners for fun. I’m not there …so we wondered if him having a side thing every now and then with no emotional relationship and boundaries we have set would it fulfill that desire.

Again please know I came here trying to understand the difference. This isn’t my lingo or have any prior knowledge.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SavingOurMarriage,

You might want to see if there are any swinger clubs in your area. That would be a good way to have purely sexual interactions with people in a safe environment.

I think romantic feelings (falling in love) are a mixed bag. That is, some people are able to just have sex without catching any feelings. That's why swinger clubs can exist. But other people will find that with sex, the loving feelings will arise. I don't know which group your husband is in.

Try googling "swing," "swingers," or "swinger clubs," with the name of your state or nearest major city. That would be a good way to at least start your search.

You do not have to tell your family and friends what you are doing. This will be part of your sexual life as a couple, and as such it isn't really their business. It would be like giving them a play-by-play of what you do in the bedroom. No need to do that.

Mono/poly relationships (like the one you are proposing) are a thing, there are couples that do it that way, it's challenging but it can be done. Of course, your husband isn't planning to be polyamorous (have romantic feelings for multiple people), so your situation would be more like mono/nonmono (or closed/open).

Opening Up is an excellent book, and you are smart to order it. You and your husband might want to read it together.

I just want to add that I think it is very generous of you to support your husband in having some fun on the side. Don't be too quick to give up on the idea, keep reading and posting on this forum. I think an open (or closed/open) relationship may be a key part in continuing a good marriage.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SavingOurMarriage]

Kevin

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re the first answer that doesn’t make me feel like an idiot or I’m wasting my time. We love each other deeply but this has become a topic of conversation. However I’m clueless…hence asking questions.
We are both reading the book, which I’m hoping helps.
I will definitely google your suggestions.

I appreciate your supportive and extremely helpful response

 

[kdt26417]

No problem, I'm glad if I can help in some small way.

 

[Magdlyn]

1) It's unrealistic to make plans about not developing feelings. It is somewhat realistic to make plans to not act on them. (In practice, it means that 'only sex no love' is worthless promise/rule; 'only casual sex no relationship' is somewhat possible, but rather troublesome if feelings appear.)

Agreed.

2) Really consider the (potential) other person. They might and will have their own ideas about it. For example, you asked if it's possible to keep it away from your friends. Perhaps for you and husband, but did you consider the new person's opinion on this?

Good point.

Opening Up is great book that nevertheless will not help. It's very optimistic.

That's a harsh statement. Many people find this book extremely helpful. Optimism is warranted, imo. But maybe you're a pessimist or had very bad troubles in your open relationships. I've had my fair share of poly problems, but it wasn't the fault of this book. Now, Ethical Slut did lead me somewhat astray back in 1999...

The book in general cannot be very specific and address all issues (iirc you already raised some Taormino does not talk about).

What (multiple) questions does Opening Up not address? I read it about a year ago, and my memory is not complete, but I think the OP's questions are entirely common and are addressed.

That said, read it, absolutely. (And it will point you at swinging - not sure why you guys started with poly if it's supposed to be about sex only?)

Classic swinging is generally a couples activity. If she doesn't want to do or watch group sex, or have a partner of her own, her husband will be on his own. Single males generally are not super welcome at swing events. However, yes, today you can go to a swingers website and just hook up for casual one-on-one sex, I suppose. Maybe that would work.

 

[Magdlyn]

You say your sex life was pretty dead but it has improved recently. Is that because you and your husband began fantasizing about him being able to go out and experience a more varied and frequent sex life? I am just wondering if that has been stimulating. Because if your sex life has improved, I guess it's more frequent than it was, or more fulfilling somehow, but still not quite enough for him. Is that right?

Has your h ever had much experience with having casual sex, hookups, with "no emotions"? If he hasn't, your "boundary" about "sex only, no emotional connection allowed" might be moot. He might fall in love. What then? Would that seem like a betrayal? Is he prepared to stop seeing someone if he catches feelings? Are you prepared to consent to him having two sweeties, the new person and you?

I am sure Opening Up will enlighten you both. I recommend it here daily.

If you and h have been fantasizing about him getting "some on the side," and it seems appealing to both of you, please be aware that fantasizing about sex is much like watching porn: it has very little to do with real life experiences.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

(I'm going to take this a little out of order...)

Starting with your questions:

Is it normal to just seek these encounters for sexual satisfaction only? Or is it more of a relationship?

a.) Does it really matter what is "normal" for others? What matters, to me, is whether it is healthy and satisfactory for the people involved.
b.) You are on a polyamory board - so relationships are generally emphasized. Some of us are open to whatever develops, including "just" sexual satisfaction.

I’ve seen post about finding local communities? Do I just google that?

That's one way but it would help to know what "community" you are looking for first...ie. poly, swingers, kink, etc. If looking for sexual hook=ups then there are apps that are more geared to that.

Is keeping something like this just to ourselves an option? (We do not want family and friends to know)

Yes. Especially if you are going the "no relationship" route. You just have to be discrete about where hook-ups happen - a crowded apartment complex where everyone knows everyone's business? A B&B an hour away? A hotel in a city you don't live in? A tent / RV in the middle of Nowhere State Park. Harder if you have a more intertwined life/relationship, being in the closet can be claustrophobic to partners that want to share their happy new relationship on FaceBook.

Is it acceptable for only one partner in the marriage to partake and the other not?

Absolutely. As long as everyone is doing what makes them happy. Equal is not the same as Fair. Equal is having the same thing. Fair is having the thing that makes each of you happy.

He wants outside partner(s) at this time I do not. For him it’s a purely sexual desire not an outside emotional connection.
I’m here to gather as much information for us and to better understand how one safely finds others to meet this need.

Ultimately my goal in us doing this (my idea to explore actually) came from his desire to possibly separate because of a desire for additional sex. With the traditional rules that meant we could not stay happily married and him fulfill his needs. I then started researching this open idea to allow him a safe and healthy option to meet his needs and save our marriage.

The "no relationship" part makes poly not the perfect fit. (Especially if he doesn't have a lot of experience with NSA sex in the past)
The "not as a couple" part makes traditional swinging not the perfect fit. (Single women are welcome, single men...not so much.)
"Hook-up" apps may not provide the "safety" that you desire.
My thought would be...why not engage a higher end sex-worker? A professional would know how to keep things casual, clean, safe and free from the drama that could entail from any of the above. STI testing required.

Jane("Just-Some-Thoughts")Q

PS. This is a complex topic, to give you an idea of all of the possibilities, you may enjoy this Map of NonMonogamy

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

FWIW? Here is my opinion.

Is it normal to just seek these encounters for sexual satisfaction only? Or is it more of a relationship?

People can be non-monogamous and up for casual sex only. The problem is usually "What happens if that gets outgrown? An emotional connection develops? Then what?"

If the answer is NOT "We expect to do the work and change models again to include romance and emotional connection... perhaps it's best to not open Pandora's Box in the first place?

Or think about this possibility and prepare for that ahead of time so you aren't caught by surprise?

I’ve seen post about finding local communities? Do I just google that?

You can. Usually "Name of City ENM" or "Name of City Polyamory" or whatever it is you seek. Google, search for Facebook groups, meetups, apps, whatever. You might check at the local LGBTQ+ center to see if there's extended adult education or groups using the space to talk about other alternative relationship models like kink or poly or whatever it is.

But please date separately, not like a couple doing a group project, unicorn hunting, or both trying to date the same person.


Is keeping something like this just to ourselves an option? (We do not want family and friends to know)

Sure. You get to pick who you share this with. You don't have to tell the universe, esp if you are not safe at work. But be clear with potentials how "out" you are about this. Nobody likes being someone's "dirty little secret" but they might understand having some friends and family who know but not open about it at work or with judge-y grandma.

And do you expect that THEY have to keep it secret in THEIR life just because you are in yours? Cuz they may be very open about it.

You need to disclose if you and spouse have shared agreements that might affect the potential. Some they might be ok with -- like an agreement to always use condoms. They might want that too. Some they might NOT agree with -- like never any sleepovers, or can only date you, not have any other partners. Esp since they didn't get a voice in the agreement making.


Create your support systems with safe family and friends and perhaps even start seeing a counselor if you can avail yourself. If things go wrong or you bump into problems you need that support already in place.

And not like the problem arises and then realize you have 2 problems. The original problem and that you neglected to make friends who are safe and make your support system ahead of time, so now you are like this lonely little island.

Is it acceptable for only one partner in the marriage to partake and the other not?

Yes.

Though I think it's better if the option to partake is on the table for both sides.

Then it's the INDIVIDUAL PERSON deciding not to use the option right now. And not like the option doesn't even exist for them like some double standard of "Open for you but not for me."

If it cannot be open on both sides? Don't open. Stay closed or break up.

Ultimately my goal in us doing this (my idea to explore actually) came from his desire to possibly separate because of a desire for additional sex.

What's wrong with a trial separation? Totally valid approach if you two are having problems.

So is talking to a sex therapist or other counselor. Are either one dealing with perimenopause or andropause things?

Why is pursuing non-monogamy the BEST option in this case?

With the traditional rules that meant we could not stay happily married and him fulfill his needs. I then started researching this open idea to allow him a safe and healthy option to meet his needs and save our marriage.

Why is it "save the marriage" rather than "save the people?"

Are you able to answer that?

What happens if he decides he likes non-monogamy. But still wants to break up with you and moves on to doing non-monogamy with other people? Are you prepared for that?

Not trying to be mean or a wet blanket. Just saying... tread with caution.

Think about the actual people here and what BOTH need to be healthy not just "save the marriage" for appearance sake or from fear of change.

In case it applies here....

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go

Even if you two decide to move on to practice some form of non-monogamy? The old deal is OVER. You two are breaking up the old model up on purpose. In order to build a new model and make NEW shared agreements for how you want to be together.

So don't be caught by surprise if you experience feelings of loss/grief for the old thing even while building a new thing.

Some couples take a year or more talking it out before actually moving on to dating -- separating finances so date money comes out of personal accounts and not the joint house account, maybe having separate bedrooms so you can host a guest sleeping over, other things.

So take your time talking and thinking this out. Do not just jump in blind.