Veto Experiences in Polyamory

Only Mono sex!

Sex is medically proven to improve health, fight disease, add to longevity, raise happiness and satisfaction with life. The lack of it does the opposite of all those things.

The monos believe this as well but it is monogamous sex where sex must always be a celebration of devotion and commitment. Any type of sex for recreation which involves multiple people will increase STDs and make you lonely and miserable and truly unhappy. They use the analogy of drug addicts. This is the world of monogamy that simply makes up fantasies to suit their moral agenda.
 
I always told myself I would never veto anyone because I found it unethical. However, my experience in polyamory lead me down a road where I "had to".

I say that in quotations because I truely felt I had no other choice in protecting myself, but I was very selective with the way I laid it out for my, now, exhusband. The key here is "exhusband".

I vetoed this specific person for a variety of reasons. She had already been involved with my husband for about 3 years. And her activity in our life had not only become the turbulent center of everything, she was completely derailing my life in so many ways unhealthy ways. It became absolutely absurd.

1.)My exhusband spent tens of thousands of dollars showering her with trips and attempting to keep her family out of debt. And she was planning on spending more even though I told her we could not afford it and asked her to please focus on other things besides spending endless amounts of money on luxury for herself. My protests were ignored and I was, in fact, told it was none of my business. I'm still paying our tax debt because of the reckless financial behavior and them refusing to heed my warnings.

2.) I watched her jerk around and manipulate her partners back and forth, over and over again, always causing drama centered around herself. Going as far as not only telling different parties different versions of the same story to victimize herself, but also confessing her lack of attraction to her second husband (and primary) and talks of running away with my, now, exhusband.

3.) She tore me down relentlessly back and forth, feeding me with hot and cold treatment. One second trying to get me in bed, and the next writing me out of a BDSM contract between she and my husband as well as trash talking me and my mental health right after dealing with my closest cousin committing suicide. In fact, she blamed my existential depression on the fact that I had been "mean" to her and that was why my guys didnt want to be close to me (I guess she ignored the 'existential' part of that). When I rejected her explanation as irrelevant, she lashed out badly and began lying to her whole family about me, leading them to ban me from seeing the kids at all.

Ultimately, this led to my veto. And ultimately it didnt work. It boiled down to protecting myself. I told my now ex that it was something I would not budge on. She is to be out of my life. He admitted at several points that she had a hold on him, even though he agreed and actively trashed her as being manipulative and abusive. There was a time where we seemed to be on the same page. Therefore if he chose to stay friends with her at any capacity, I would end the relationship. Period.

That being said, My relationship with my ex had alot of other faults. This was my reaching my breaking point with his lack of consideration and respect towards me.

To me, vetoes can signify one of two things.

A.) There is some sort of insecurity being protected. Which is totally normal, but IMO that is part of the journey of poly. Such insecurities should be examined and understood. When finding myself feeling such things in a poly relationship, I've actually learned alot about myself and its helped me become closer to the person I want to be.

Or B.) There is a trust issue within the relationship. If the person you are vetoing causes some sort of danger to yourself, your life, or your mental health, it shouldnt even require much discussion. And if this is the case, it's likely that your relationship should be reexamined. Who wants to be with a partner that allows their loved one to feel in danger?

Either way, vetoes should be closely examined and you really have to be honest with yourself about why one is being placed or why you want one.

My situation ended up being B and we are now divorced. Not only that, but hes back with this person as well as with the entire group of people he trash talked for a while. But let me tell you this, I most definitely am glad not to be married to a person like that anymore.
 
There is definitely nothing wrong with vetoing someone who is causing physical or mental harm, whether it's to their partner or a metamour. It sounds like your metamour was causing harm not only to you, but to others as well.
 
The monos ...

I am sorry but I find this phrase offensive.

It would be like calling people the gays... The blacks.. The Muslims..

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being monogamous and not all monogamous people feel the same way about any subject. "The monos" comes across as very derogatory and condescending.
 
Yeah... which "monos"? Several of us here on this forum have at least one partner who is monogamous. Clearly those partners don't share, at least not entirely, this "monos" mindset you reference.

We also have a few members here who themselves are monogamous, and are in relationships with polyamorous people. Again, those members don't share this generalized "monos" mindset.

And I know a number of people who consider themselves monogamous as far as relationships go, but when they aren't in what they consider to be relationships, they're perfectly happy and open to fucking however many partners they can find. They only have one committed relationship at a time, but when they aren't in a committed relationship, they have plenty of recreational sex and don't consider it a breeding ground for STIs and misery.

The problem with generalizing is that people aren't general. There are certainly monogamous people who have the "sex is only for commitment and procreation" mindset, but there are at least as many, if not more, who don't think that way. And labeling a huge group of people as an adjective does create an "us vs. them" set-up, not to mention, as others have pointed out, sounding fairly offensive.
 
edpsy seems to have a certain demographic in mind when he says "the monos." He has argued with people on YouTube in the responses to a couple pro-poly videos. Seems "the monos" are keyboard warriors, who anonymously attack polyamory. They are "haters" who get off on saying rude things.

edpsy needs to spend more time on this board, and less time with the sophomoric idiots on YouTube. But maybe he enjoys a good fight. It makes him feel self righteous.

However, we've now directed him to Fetlife, so maybe he's found a new hobby... :p
 
Yes, I think he is referring to a certain set of monogamous people.

This may be splitting hairs, but I don't really view people who date poly people as truly monogamous.
 
Murf has no urge to date or persue anyone else.

He only accepts me as poly because I came that way into his life. I did not drop the poly bomb during our relationship. He decided that it is something he had to accept to have me in his life.

He also never saw himself married or living with anyone either.
 
I support Poly Accepting Monos! Sorry Poor Communication

Before I respond to many responses who expressed blunt offense to my statements about large segments of monogamous people, I greatly apologize to polyamorous people who I gave the wrong impression that I am referring to their mono friends who fully accept poly or at the very least respectfully disagree with poly (but don’t try to convert you) That was not my intention

When I used the phrase “monos” and it involves bigotry, I am not applying that every single monogamous person is anti-poly.

In this thread, I have done an absolutely POOR job in portraying my attitude towards monogamy and monogamous people. This has distracted some people from my central message in this threads and for that I sincerely apologize. Even though this may disappoint, annoy or disturb many polyamorist people on this board, it is a fact that the vast majority of monogamous people have a moral issue with people who have more than one serious romantic relationship at a time. Over 80% of Americans morally oppose the "attempt" to have more than one serious relationship at a time. This is not something I want to believe and it is not something I boast about, but it is tragic fact.


In saying that, there are monogamous people who are poly accepting. They may not practice poly but they accept the poly lifestyle. Since we are in such a small number (from a social perspective) I do believe all the research that indicates poly is a moral neutral position and no more or no less healthy than monogamy comes from people who practice monogamy..


Furthermore, I can not support the view of ignoring anti-poly statements on any social media forum and most importantly real life (even though I am a coward in failing to confront the latter). Why? Because even though the views on these social media forums are combined with nastiness, the fundamental arguments against poly are clearly articulated and demonstrated. They are shared by most of the fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, employers and co-workers of polyamorous people. If I am incorrect, please tell me where I have missed the mark. Please show me how my family (who is anti poly is not the norm in our society. Now if this is true, is there really a substantial difference between the anti poly sentiments expressed on YouTube by either nasty or civil people?

As those who support poly amorous people, we can not simply adopt the SOLE strategy of being the best poly people we can be and wait for mono-centric America to accept polys. Yes in some situations this is a viable strategy. However, like the gay movement in which we share a lot in common in the sense of moral prejudice against a specific behavior, we must adopt both strategies. Adopting only a live let live and wait-for-people-to-accept you approach has severe consequences.

When you discourage everyone from confronting anti-poly bigotry, you are implying that you will also wait for the courts to erase their biases and allow ex-spouses to gain custody of your children because you are poly. You are implying that you are willing to wait for employers to stop firing people based on being poly. These may be the same employers who are articulating anti-poly positions on YouTube with or without the nastiness. You are implying you are going to wait for parents (who may be yours) to accept poly but in the meanwhile they are going to continue to disown family members(sons, daughters) because they believe poly is immoral based on secular or religious reasons. Last and not least you are willing to wait for the time where long term friendships are not terminated because one friend finds poly to be a morally objectionable lifestyle, These are the consequences of just waiting for society to accept poly.

I have rambled enough for now. I just want to thank you guys for sharing your opinions in this thread and even though I received some harsh constructive criticism on how to approach anti-poly bigotry, it was in may ways well deserved. I will continue to work on my communication when it pertains to my attitudes towards monogamy and anti-poly bigotry.
 
Thanks Vince for Seeing My True intent

Yes, I think he is referring to a certain set of monogamous people.

This may be splitting hairs, but I don't really view people who date poly people as truly monogamous.

Thanks for seeing my true intentions in my poorly communicated views on monogamy.:):):) What I mean is I often fail to communicate the image of poly accepting monos (even though they are in the minority). There are poly accepting monos and these people could be my close friends. The only anti-poly folk I can have a personal relationship with are family members but I am sadly skeptical of this continuing if my YouTube channel gains a lot of traction. Even if it fails to gain traction, I might just be sick and tired of concealing my sentiments to them and just flat out tell them what I know.
 
Quite frankly, I am surprised more people don't get it. The same people who are saying "Not all monos..." are the same people who would jump all over people who say, "Not all men/cis men/white people/heteros/etc." Monogamous people who have a problem with ethical non-monogamous are not a minority by any stretch of the imagination. It's an institutional bigotry. Even marriage is referred to as an institution.

Just today I ran across an ad in my FB feed that said, ”Only a sensible man knows the value of growing old with the same woman." It also had a gif that said, "Only real men know that one woman is enough!" How insane is that?
 
I agree with you guys that most (monogamous) people (would) disapprove of polyamory.
 
Quite frankly, I am surprised more people don't get it. The same people who are saying "Not all monos..." are the same people who would jump all over people who say, "Not all men/cis men/white people/heteros/etc." Monogamous people who have a problem with ethical non-monogamous are not a minority by any stretch of the imagination. It's an institutional bigotry. Even marriage is referred to as an institution.

Just today I ran across an ad in my FB feed that said, ”Only a sensible man knows the value of growing old with the same woman." It also had a gif that said, "Only real men know that one woman is enough!" How insane is that?

Great points, Vinsanity!
 
I hear you

Quite frankly, I am surprised more people don't get it. The same people who are saying "Not all monos..." are the same people who would jump all over people who say, "Not all men/cis men/white people/heteros/etc." Monogamous people who have a problem with ethical non-monogamous are not a minority by any stretch of the imagination. It's an institutional bigotry. Even marriage is referred to as an institution.
I hear you man. However, I still have to keep in mind many of the people who are fighting for us are mono practicing. There are as passionate as me in fighting to all sexual minority. Uh oh. I got a YouTube comment notification of some mono trying to tell me that you can minimize the chance of an STD when you have sex with one lifetime partner who is clean. The STD argument has been debunked monos. Give it up!!!


Just today I ran across an ad in my FB feed that said, ”Only a sensible man knows the value of growing old with the same woman." It also had a gif that said, "Only real men know that one woman is enough!" How insane is that?
It is not surprising. The funny thing about anti-poly monos is they attach the very negative words that should be applied to themselves at least hypothetically to polys: insecure, immature, and selfish. The quote you just shared is implying real men are mature because they are monogamous while us poly men are immature boys.
 
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