I'm feeling really droppy today, and I haven't really played or had sex, so this is a bit out of character for me. There isn't a real cause for it at the moment. It's not a fun feeling to sit with given that I have to finish my cleaning because family is visiting tomorrow, and I have plans for a serious BDSM scene with Henry on Sunday. Dealing with the family tomorrow is going to be stressful, but unavoidable.
I don't know if the drop is about Charles but he's been on my mind a lot today, so I figured I'd journal a bit.
I'm saving this thread
here because I'm finding it helpful when thinking about Charles. That sense of urgency, of wanting to race into things when I really do actually want to stop and smell the roses, is a little bit of a thing to deal with, and it's contributing to my anxiety as well.
I want to squeeze every drop out of the NRE. I don't want to race through it. It's like what I'm thinking is that I want to read the last page of the book (which I never
do with a book!) to find out if we do fall in love and stay together. But if I do that, I'll cheat myself out of all the fun moments in between so I don't know why I'm doing it but it's hard to kick myself out of the mindset. Not to mention that I'd have to get into a philosophical conversation with myself about success vs completion of relationships.
I find it telling that I called it the last page when it was about falling in love- so technically that means the book must be open ended or it would be sad regardless... and I'm not really looking for another lifetime partner. So where the hell do I think I'm jumping ahead to, anyway? If I got there and the relationship does last, then I'm missing out on the NRE
And if not, I'd still miss out on the fun bits and skip ahead to the heartbreak.
My anxiety really has been sky high lately and that's tough to manage. I mentioned it to my counsellor and she said we will work some more on it next time. This month was mostly just an update on how I'm doing since we hadn't had a session in a while.
Charles isn't doing anything to make the anxiety worse; I am self aware enough to know that it's all in my head. He's been texting me at least briefly on a daily basis. He validates me when I tell him I miss him. He's not as emotional of a person as I am, but it's not that he isn't demonstrating that he cares. He told me when we were in bed together last that he carves out time to text me because he wants to make sure his girlfriend knows that he cares. And he did start using that term first and I like it.
He's always touching me when we're together; we hold hands or kiss or play footsie or just some kind of casual touch. I like that, too. It fills a need for me.
He's put in the effort to do the work with BDSM as well. He did my long checklist/questionnaire, which is pretty darn detailed and requires a lot of self examination as well as thought. We also have a shared Google doc where we write to each other when we have a few minutes.
He's never cancelled a date with me. We see each other at least once a week.
So when I examine things logically, he really is doing all the right things. I might want
more, but I think that's not realistic. So if I'm being droppy about that... well, that's going to make me miserable in the long run for sure.
Henry's mental health has been up and down lately, which has been tough on all of us. He doesn't want to crush my happy, but if he is feeling out of sorts when I come home full of happy, it's hard on both of us. I want to support him, but by doing that, it pulls me out of the bubble. And I don't want it to be like poly vacation where I'm having all my fun with my boyfriend and then sad when I come home. On the plus side, he's making proactive plans to get help. I really want him to be happy. I don't want to make him worse just to make myself happy.
We also revisited our relationship contract, and added a new page for wants and needs so that we could discuss them with each other. We focused on what agreements we wanted to make in our relationship, and what our individual needs are with respect to polyamory. We did not make a set of rules for which other partners have to follow to be in a relationship with us. We focused on meeting our own needs, stuff like "turn up your awesome with spouse, when in a new relationship", and "add dates to the shared calendar at least one day in advance if possible". It's good to know where we stand on things, and that we're okay together.
On the plus side, he and Charles get along well and that helps. It was really nice hanging out with the two of them in the hot tub the other day. Henry was rubbing my feet and Charles and I were holding hands. I felt loved and relaxed and happy. I might not be into kitchen table poly but it's nice sometimes to be able to hang out.
Henry and I have a date night planned for Sunday that I'm looking forward to. We haven't been able to do as much BDSM as we would like due to the busy over the last year, so this is going to be important to both of us. It's definitely a need to build more space for that back into our lives.
I'm also so lucky to still have Jennifer in my life even though we aren't romantic anymore. She's still one of my closest friends and we help each other with our overthinking and processing. Having a good circle who cares is so important, I think.