Vicki's Journey Continues...

Vicki82

Member
So today is my birthday. It's been a pretty good weekend so far. We had fifteen people come over for a house party for dinner, drinks, and board games. We also did one of those room escapes and it was pretty awesome. Kind of crowded, but I reminded myself that there are far worse things than having too many people who want to come and celebrate with me!

We love throwing parties, so we made a huge spread of food as always, and Henry was a dashing bartender. It was a good night.

It was getting late and people started to trickle out around midnight. Henry and I had discussed it in advance and so I invited Charles to spend the night with me. He was a little hesitant and worried he was displacing Henry, but he did decide to stay and it was really good. I enjoyed that we could spend time together without worrying that one of us would have to leave. We talked and cuddled and touched until we both got turned on and then we had some lovely and intimate sex.

I decided I had had enough of my own overthinking so I wanted to say I love you, but also to do it in a way that didn't create expectation. So I waited until we decided to turn the lights off and go to sleep, and then when we cuddled and kissed goodnight, I whispered "I love you" in his ear and then started to pull back to go to sleep.

He grabbed my face and started kissing me in a way I can only describe as happy and enthusiastic- kinda like a puppy? And then he said "I know you want to go to sleep, but you can't drop a bomb like that on a man and then just pull away!" I told him that I just didn't want to create expectation or make things awkward. He kissed me again and then we went to sleep.

He didn't say anything back though. And I wouldn't want him to if he isn't there, but I guess part of me worries a little bit that he didn't. He seemed happy though and before he left today we had sex and cuddled again, then hung out a little with Henry. I think it was a good thing? Guess I didn't solve my overthinking problem at all, did I?

Comments welcome!
 

Vicki82

Member
My cup kinda runneth over lately. Things are well with Henry, too. I told him about my conversation with Charles, and he teased me a little about "catching the feels". I am glad that I can share those kinds of moments with him.

We've also been having crazy amounts of sex lately which is awesome but apparently I broke him and he needs some recovery time. He joked that he is going to tag Charles in tonight because he needs a break! However, since Charles already said he is worried I might fuck him to death, I think I might have a problem :p Having a really high sex drive can be somewhat problematic at times!
 

Vicki82

Member
Today has been rather crushing, especially since I've been feeling so good lately.

So first off, I've been having some issues with the woman who is supposed to be my best friend, who was maid of honour in my wedding in May. Her extended family keeps having crises, and she keeps pretty much dropping everything to run to the rescue and kinda figuring everyone will be there for her when she shows back up. I've been having to change my expectations of the relationship since we used to talk every single day and now we barely talk, and I've seen her only a handful of times since my wedding and once was for me to do her back taxes for her :p

So my birthday party was fun and she came, but then in the evening she basically spent the whole night sitting in my driveway in her car. First she said she had a phone call to make. Then, her ex boyfriend was also here, and when he left apparently they sat out in her car for the next three hours and they talked instead of being at the party. So I didn't get to see much of her at all. I texted her that I was feeling hurt that we finally had some time scheduled and then she wasn't really present for it, and she totally ripped into me and said that she was expecting more support and understanding, and how dare I be upset when she has all this stuff going on in her life and she chose to come anyway and it was just stupid board games anyway.

I don't even really know what to say to that. I just wanted her to acknowledge how I felt, and she went immediately on the defensive and I didn't feel heard. Henry doesn't think she really can hear me, and I don't really know what to do at that point. She's supposed to be my best friend, but she hasn't been much of one lately.

Then, while I was still mulling that over, I found out that she went up to a mutual acquaintance, someone who I respect very much but not someone I'm super close to emotionally, and said to her "Susie's party on the weekend was great; I was surprised not to see you there since I thought you were so close." Obviously this was hurtful to the mutual acquaintance who hadn't been invited, who then messaged me to let me know that she felt hurt.

I felt kind of poleaxed, because I had no intentions of inviting her to stuff like that. She's kind of a part of one segment of my life, but not the circle I do stuff like this with. There's some crossover but not a whole lot. I guess my apology was rather lame as well but I was totally caught off guard. I apologized that she felt that hurt and embarrassment because I could totally understand that. Then I couldn't figure out what to say because the truth was that I hadn't planned to invite her. I wound up saying something stupid which was even more hurtful, and made things even worse.

That really started the day off spiraling badly. Then a bunch of stupid little stuff that's really too inane even to share happened and it just felt like this day needed a do over. It didn't get any better when Charles cancelled our weekend plans.

Kiddo came home from school and he was on the warpath, too. He has a bunch of homework and one thing needed to be redone since he misunderstood the instructions. He was pretty upset. I got to have a talk about feelings with him and explain I was feeling pretty bad today too but we still have to be nice to each other. I wasn't feeling all that nice myself and I feel badly about that.

I just don't want to deal with all this. It's too much. I just want to relax and enjoy time with my loves and my family, but apparently that's not on the menu right now.
 

Vicki82

Member
My feelings have really been yo-yo'ing lately, and that's been rough. I have to sit with them for a while to think about what is emotional weather, and what's really something I need to work through. It's been getting more difficult to keep the positive outlook. My anxiety has been kicking really hard and it's been confusing me.

Henry has been struggling lately with his mental health, and I've been trying to support him, but it hasn't been easy for either of us. He has a plan to focus on self care and getting help, but the waiting isn't great.

I've been feeling a little crushed by the clutter in my house, too. It seems like no matter how hard I work, I can never stay on top of it. We had the main floor clean at least for my party last weekend and now it's all full of clutter and junk again. I clean the kitchen and the next day it's a disaster. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. It doesn't help that both Henry and I have chronic fatigue issues due to our health, and it makes it really difficult to keep up. If we stay on top of the regular house maintenance, then we don't have any spoons to spend on anything else like irregular projects or sex or BDSM play- it pretty much takes all our energy. And if we put things off, they pile up and become overwhelming. I just don't know how to manage. It's not like we have money just to hire someone to help out, either, so it just feels impossible.

I have stuff that's kicking me in the head about Charles, too, and I don't know how reasonable it is. I'm not sure if I'm feeling so dogpiled right now that everything feels wrong, or if my brain is giving me warning signals about relationships like it has in the past.

Charles seems to be a good guy. He's fun to hang out with. He's clearly making an effort to try and make me happy. He's also really fun to play with and have sex with. We enjoy some hobbies together. He likes hanging out with my family. Those are some really big pluses! I mean, that looks awesome on paper. I have feelings for him- both romantic and sexual. And he seems to like being with me, and says nice things to me.

So why am I feeling weird and unsatisfied and worried? Is it real, or is it just my anxiety being weird? I know that I would ideally like more communication in between dates, but is it that much of a dealbreaker to me? And if it's leaving me unsatisfied, is that even reasonable to expect? He's clearly trying, it's not a thing he normally does, but he's made an effort to check in with me a few times and see if I'm happy with what he's doing.

I also feel like I might be shortchanging him a little. I don't have the depth of conversation that I do with Henry, but not only have Henry and I been together for years longer, but we have a very deep and connected relationship involving intimate conversation. So of course, Charles will fall short measured against that yardstick. But if I'm feeling unsatisfied, is that legitimate?

I'm really so confused and my emotions are a ball of yarn right now.
 

Vicki82

Member
I saw my counsellor tonight, and she thinks this anxiety I've been feeling about Charles is because I don't have a script for it. Not that I haven't done the nonmonogamy before, but because my relationship with him is taking a different-ish sort of path and so I feel awkward and uncomfortable because I don't know what I should be feeling or doing. Some things are indeed new and unique to this relationship. She thinks the NRE flickering might be part of that, too.

She told me I should sit with it, ride the ride and see how it goes and to try and determine if it's generalized anxiety, or if it's a specific issue that I need to think about, like it was in previous relationships. But for now, if it's not an immediate thing for me to worry about and discuss, I should remind myself that it's okay to feel awkward sometimes and not worry about it.

That actually really resonated with me. Things to think about. It's so good to have a counsellor who really knows me well!
 

Vicki82

Member
Last night Charles told me that he loves me. I'm still on cloud 9 today :)

I should write it down so that I don't forget and I can look back on it... part of having the memory of a goldfish is frustrating! I love reading back on my golden moments with Henry, too.

Charles and I were in the hot tub. He wanted to come see me even though I was sick, and he was still being affectionate with me even so. I usually keep one hand out of the tub but occasionally it gets wet and he was grabbing it and kissing it sometimes. I said to him, isn't it ugh and chemical-y? And he said no, it wasn't that bad. We were having some lovely conversations together (tub is great for that sort of thing) and then he brought my hand to his lips again but this time he said, OK it wasn't great that time. I said, well stop doing it then silly! And he said no, I want to show you my love. And I just melted and kissed him.
 
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Vicki82

Member
Wow. Cue panic attack.

Charles has been texting me daily lately, which is filling me with warm fuzzies. Then today he sends me a message that he was chatting with his mom, and she'd like to meet me at some point. And then asking what kind of books Kiddo likes to read since she's a librarian.

I was a little taken aback, although I guess I shouldn't be? I just wasn't really expecting it. I've never been asked to meet a non primary partner's family (excluding metamours). Meeting their friends is stressful enough!

I mean, I guess I told him that he was welcome to my family's Christmas, although my mom is a bit nuts. My family knows we are poly, even if it breaks their brains a little. It does make my mom uncomfortable but I figure it's my home and I'll invite who I like- she's never treated anyone poorly, just been a bit skittish.

But no one has ever invited me. And obviously he told his mom that I have a child, and hopefully a husband because I'm not willing to pretend. But I guess it means more to me to have someone invite me, than it does for me to invite them around. Or maybe not. I wouldn't out and out invite a partner to meet my parents unless I thought they were going to be around for a while. My mom only met Henry at Christmas the first time because of the divorce flux and I needed support. And she happened to see another partner one time when she dropped off some stuff a few years back, but it wasn't a formal introduction thing.

(Edited to add after some thought: Nope. There’s a big difference in me inviting him to Christmas and saying, yeah, my mom will be there, to him saying his mom has requested to meet me. Not even in the same ballpark.)

I guess maybe it feels different since Charles is single other than me (that sounds weird to say- he's not single, but he's sure not married or otherwise primarily attached!), and I guess he's told them he has a girlfriend so they want to meet me... but this will be a totally new and out of my comfort zone thing.

And I guess the other part of me that isn't terrified is getting the warm fuzzies since it sounds like that means he thinks I'll be around for a while. And that's pretty awesome.

But otherwise... OMG :p
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
Wow. Cue panic attack.

Charles has been texting me daily lately, which is filling me with warm fuzzies. Then today he sends me a message that he was chatting with his mom, and she'd like to meet me at some point. And then asking what kind of books Kiddo likes to read since she's a librarian.

I was a little taken aback, although I guess I shouldn't be? I just wasn't really expecting it. I've never been asked to meet a non primary partner's family (excluding metamours). Meeting their friends is stressful enough!

I mean, I guess I told him that he was welcome to my family's Christmas, although my mom is a bit nuts. My family knows we are poly, even if it breaks their brains a little. It does make my mom uncomfortable but I figure it's my home and I'll invite who I like- she's never treated anyone poorly, just been a bit skittish.

But no one has ever invited me. And obviously he told his mom that I have a child, and hopefully a husband because I'm not willing to pretend. But I guess it means more to me to have someone invite me, than it does for me to invite them around. Or maybe not. I wouldn't out and out invite a partner to meet my parents unless I thought they were going to be around for a while. My mom only met Henry at Christmas the first time because of the divorce flux and I needed support. And she happened to see another partner one time when she dropped off some stuff a few years back, but it wasn't a formal introduction thing.

(Edited to add after some thought: Nope. There’s a big difference in me inviting him to Christmas and saying, yeah, my mom will be there, to him saying his mom has requested to meet me. Not even in the same ballpark.)

I guess maybe it feels different since Charles is single other than me (that sounds weird to say- he's not single, but he's sure not married or otherwise primarily attached!), and I guess he's told them he has a girlfriend so they want to meet me... but this will be a totally new and out of my comfort zone thing.

And I guess the other part of me that isn't terrified is getting the warm fuzzies since it sounds like that means he thinks I'll be around for a while. And that's pretty awesome.

But otherwise... OMG :p

Why are you so terrified to meet a partner's family member?
 

Vicki82

Member
Why are you so terrified to meet a partner's family member?

It makes sense in my head to the point that your question confused me a little, LOL.

I still have some monogamous wiring in my head that tells me that meeting the parents is a serious step in a relationship. It's a pretty strong validation that you expect that person to be in your life for a while. For that matter, it's a pretty strong societal trope- look at movies like Meet the Parents, right?

I'm also nervous because it feels like a bit odd given our ages and his parents' ages and the general situation overall. I suspect that most of my friends and previous partners are more likely to be closer to his parents' age than Charles is to me.

Then there's just the whole bit of wondering if they will approve of their son dating a much older, married woman with a child. I mean, I don't think he'd stop seeing me regardless... but it would be nice to be liked. I was nervous about meeting his friends, and this is much more anxiety provoking to me.

You don't think it's reasonable to be anxious?
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It makes sense in my head to the point that your question confused me a little, LOL.

I still have some monogamous wiring in my head that tells me that meeting the parents is a serious step in a relationship. It's a pretty strong validation that you expect that person to be in your life for a while. For that matter, it's a pretty strong societal trope- look at movies like Meet the Parents, right?

I'm also nervous because it feels like a bit odd given our ages and his parents' ages and the general situation overall. I suspect that most of my friends and previous partners are more likely to be closer to his parents' age than Charles is to me.

Then there's just the whole bit of wondering if they will approve of their son dating a much older, married woman with a child. I mean, I don't think he'd stop seeing me regardless... but it would be nice to be liked. I was nervous about meeting his friends, and this is much more anxiety provoking to me.

You don't think it's reasonable to be anxious?

I've been out of the mono world for 10 years (and was never fully there in my soul) so meeting a parent or sister or brother or child (or spouse!) of a partner doesn't represent something "serious" to me. I don't expect relationships (romantic or platonic) to last forever. People have come and gone in my life. They drift in, bring me pleasure, and learning, and support, and then often drift away due to life changes, or even conflicts.

Certainly meeting the parents does not imply a marriage is on the horizon, to me. Or even a very long term relationship. That's all stuff from a different era, imo. Meet the Parents is a silly comedy with 20 something "kids" and a grumpy old man stereotype father, played for laughs. It's patriarchal. The father is passing off his possession, his daughter, to her new owner, who is fearful of not being worthy. Fuck that patriarchal bullshit. I related more to the New Age parents of the guy... was that in the sequel, Meet the Fockers?

And anyone that judges age differences in romantic relationships can go take a long walk off a short pier. None of their goddamn business.

So... meeting a partner's parent is no huge deal, for me. And certainly no reason to feel terrified. I've met with my long term nesting partner Pixi's parents many times. I'm 22 years older than Pixi. Her parents are less than a decade older than me. 6,8 years older. For many years they didn't know for a fact that Pixi and I were romantic partners. We didn't come out and say, "Hey mom and dad, we fuck!" We presented to them as dear friends and roommates, chosen family. Finally Pixi's mom asked Pixi if we were mates, and she said yes. By that point, she was so glad for Pixi to have such a supportive person in her life (me) that she just accepted we were actually in a romantic relationship without question.

Many of my boyfriends have met my adult kids, especially my son, with whom I am closest. Pixi is great good friends with my son. They have tons in common. He's 27, she's 41. Gen X and Millennial bonding. Techy kids.

Pixi has also met both my daughters, and 2 of my granddaughters, as well as my father and my sister. (My mother died before I met Pixi.) I was never really nervous about her meeting my family. But I don't worry a lot about people judging me.

Maybe Pixi was a tiny bit nervous; she has social anxiety in general. But a full on panic attack? No.
 

Vicki82

Member
Well, I do have an anxiety disorder, so panic attacks in stressful situations aren't all that unusual for me.

Perhaps then, it's just my view on things? I don't exactly have a great relationship with my mother (my father passed in 2005).

I don't think it means marriage or anything like that; not only am I married already, but we have only been dating for four months! But it means "not casual" to me, if it's a planned thing. Meeting the spouse or other family members seems a lot more low key, I've done that before.

I don't know. Charles was over yesterday and I told him that it had surprised me a little. He did confirm though that his parents know I'm married, so that's a load off there. I didn't really believe he'd ask me to lie though, so that wasn't a huge concern.

We had a pretty awesome date night. We had dinner and then spent the rest of the evening in bed.

Today is Henry's birthday but he isn't feeling all that well. I hope that we can make it a good day anyway.
 

Vicki82

Member
I've been really happy lately. The holidays weren't too stressful, and now I'm getting some down time with Henry. While we get loads of time together because we live together, we don't get as much where there isn't stuff that absolutely needs to get done at such and such time. So it's really nice for us to have time just to kick back and cuddle and not worry about the schedule. He's got a familiar sparkle in his eye and I'm really enjoying that.

I haven't seen Charles in over a week, but we're seeing each other briefly at a get together tonight, and he's been so good about staying in touch. I'm feeling a lot happier/more comfortable with that. And he's making a point of texting me that he loves me and I don't even have words for how good that feels.

I've never really gotten to be happy and in love with two people before in such a positive way. I've had multiple partners with varying degrees of seriousness, but not like this. Either my ex husband felt threatened, or the new relationship wasn't as intense, or there was always something. But this year in the wee hours of Christmas morning, I was exchanging happy texts with Henry to say goodnight (we have been sleeping in separate rooms lately because illness/snoring keeps me up) and then a message clicked in from Charles saying Merry Christmas my love. And I just melted.

I'm really looking forward to going to the munch tonight with both my boys :)
 

Vicki82

Member
What a wonderful new year's this has been. It's certainly off to a great start. I am exhausted but I don't think I've been this happy in a while.

Henry and I threw a small house party, just a casual thing with music and apps and drinks, and we watched the ball drop on TV. Several friends came over, and so did Charles. It was really fantastic having both my men there celebrating with me. I told them that I felt so lucky. When we were in the kitchen prepping the appetizer platters, I kissed Henry and said I love YOU and then I kissed Charles and said and I love YOU. Both of them came back for seconds. It felt so good. I've never felt surrounded by this much love before, where it was just omnipresent and relaxed and comfortable and happy.

At midnight, I got two hugs and kisses. Then Henry decided to go sit in the hot tub and relax with some music, and Charles and I went upstairs to ring in the new year together. We were up for nearly four hours having so much sex and cuddles and just being with each other before we fell asleep together. And we did it again when we woke up in the morning :)

We spent new year's day just hanging out together, the three of us. It was fun and relaxing. Henry made breakfast for all of us. We played games and spent some time in the hot tub as a threesome- nothing naughty but definitely good times.

And now it's time for some cuddles and relaxation with Henry, and maybe a movie. I feel so lucky.

It's going to be a very good year :D
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I'm so happy for you, Vicki!
 

Vicki82

Member
Thank you! Things are pretty wonderful.

Charles came over yesterday and since we had an overnight planned, we decided it was time to have a more intense BDSM scene. I really, really enjoyed myself and so did he. Henry made a delicious dinner afterwards, and the three of us hung out for a while before Charles and I went back upstairs for some awesome sex and cuddles and conversation. We spent hours in bed afterwards just being together. It was a really lovely day.
 
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alibabe_muse

New member
this is so true

But it's normal when we open up to a new person, to feel sometimes uncomfortably vulnerable, I think. Maybe you're not "emotionally flat," but just having a mature degree of caution. We aren't newbies or teenagers, we've had disappointments, so we don't idealize every new person who makes us cum.

Magdlyn that is so true. I sense it in myself as well versus how I was 5 years ago.
 

Vicki82

Member
Glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels like that sometimes!

Today is weird LOL. Both my men are out at a BDSM discussion group for submissives, and I'm home doing chores. Go figure! But really, I'm glad they get along so well that they can hang out, and also glad that Charles is getting out in the community. This group in particular is a really valuable resource and I want him to learn as much as possible.

I had some drop hit last night; now that was interesting. I thought maybe I wouldn't drop, since Henry is home with me most of the time, but apparently my drop is person-specific. Also, I used to be up for about three days before I crashed but I came back down last night, relatively hard. Cuddling Henry helped, and I texted Charles to let him know what I was experiencing. He has never experienced drop since he's so new and we don't know if he will, but it's not new for me. I at least know how to take care of myself and what to ask for. It was just an odd experience to be cuddling with my husband and still feeling the drop. I guess that's going to be a thing now to keep in mind.

Charles sent me the sweetest text today, too. He told me he was just thinking good thoughts of me. Not sexual but giddy smiley ones. I'm glad that he seems to be as into this as I am.
 
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Vicki82

Member
A lot of mixed feelings today.

I had a wonderful date night with Charles last night. Good conversation and amazing sex. It was all pretty vanilla but that's OK too. We got into the sex toys and I enjoyed that and the dirty talk nearly as much. I try not to get too much into the BDSM when we only have a little while together.

Then we were hanging out and cuddling and the conversation turned to financial matters in general and I wound up asking him if he had an RRSP and that kinda segued into that he didn't, because he didn't know if he needed to be saving his money for a cross country move; that he was going to have to decide that this year. He is working a crappy job for now while he's waiting to get a position as a trade school apprentice, but he says he's been having a hard time finding one here in our area and people tell him he might have better luck elsewhere.

While of course, he needs to do what is best for him and I wholeheartedly agree with that, it still made me sad and I cried last night when he was gone. I know that most relationships have an expiry date but this feels awkward and artificial and just rather crushing. I also intellectually know that I shouldn't spoil what time together we do have, and this isn't even for sure anyway, but it's difficult not to feel miserable.
 

Vicki82

Member
So I had been feelings out of sorts anyway, which is just a thing that happens sometimes (yay mental health stuff). Charles wanted to know what was up and so I did finally tell him that while of course I supported him doing whatever he needed to do for his career that the thought of losing him made me feel sad. He told me not to worry about it for now, because a lot of things would have to be in place for the move to occur and there would be plenty of notice. That he would rather stay here if he can.

I get that, but it just made me think about how sometimes I just need to hold space for my big feelings for a while. They don't have to be a mess or cause issues, but I need to experience them before I can really let them go. My son has issues with emotional management because he also gets big feelings, and I feel like maybe this is a thing I could talk about with him. He's probably not old enough to understand it yet but he is so much like me that I want to give him whatever tools I can to help him as he grows up.

He's been having his own issues lately with all the crap from my ex. Which is horrible because that shouldn't fall on kids, but what can you do. In this case, not much.

Tired today though. My health hasn't been great and neither has Henry's. I think that today is going to be mostly a day of rest and hopefully tomorrow will be better.
 

Vicki82

Member
Out of curiosity, sometimes I wonder what kind of bias posting here is self selecting for. Do happy poly people (other than Kevin!) post here, or do they just go on with their lives? Are the majority of people here having some sort of issues? There seems to be a lot of sadness even here in the blogs.

What I do appreciate is how differently everyone seems to choose to live their lives. Regardless of what you choose to incorporate, I love the lack of universality. That is one of the things that draws me to kink and polyamory and openness etc- that relationships truly can be a choose your own adventure.

This week, Henry and I decided to start focusing on losing weight again. Our chronic health issues and fatigue have made things really difficult for both of us, and we've gained a significant amount of weight between eating processed food because it's cheaper and being too tired to cook nutritious food and/or exercise. Energy is a real problem for both of us; we often have days where getting out of bed is difficult, let alone anything else.

I'm tracking my calorie intake on the Lose It app, and he's been working on doing that as well. We did start in November but took a pause over the holidays. I'm down about 25lbs from my high when we started, but it's not even really noticeable yet since I've gained so much. I don't want to be skinny- I have no desire to put in that much energy to maintain- but I would like to get back to about a size ten, where I was after I had kiddo. I was comfortable there, and if I don't fit societal standards of beauty, I don't really care either way.

Henry and I are joking that we're training for the Sex Olympics though, after that joke came up in an old Futurama episode. When both partners are overweight, a lot of sexual things become more difficult. We don't have a lot of positions left where we can actually have comfortable sex, although we still make it work. We definitely miss face to face missionary style and occasionally he uses a cock sheath just so we can have the closeness and intimacy. I think we'll both enjoy things a lot more when we lose some weight. I remember when we were dating (I wasn't too much smaller but he was significantly thinner) that I was sitting in his lap on his cock, and him telling me we couldn't be any closer together. I loved the intimacy of being wrapped around him in every possible way, and I definitely want to do that again.
 
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