Vicki's Journey

I won't see her again until the 17th. And I think I have a lot to talk about already :p we've been trying to work on some other issues so going back to this... I don't know that she can help me.

He lives with me, and we have a good sex life and a good kink lifestyle. I don't charge him much rent. There are lots of reasons for him to stay even if he doesn't love me or like me. So I don't know. I just feel so different from what it seems like he likes... So I don't understand why. And then I feel anxious.
 
Well, you feel what you feel, it's not like you can help it.

I think it would be disingenuous of him to stay with you and have so much to do with you if he didn't love you. But, you know him better than I.
 
And part of me knows that. But knowing it and KNOWING it are two different things :(
It's like I believe him, but the little voice in my head keeps repeating stuff that makes me anxious and insecure.

He tells me he loves me many times every day. I think every time he's thinking about it. I never asked him to- he just does. But it doesn't always stop me from worrying.

Not to mention that the part of me that fears we are too different for anything long term keeps rearing its ugly head when I feel like this. When we're at home relaxing and hanging out, that doesn't come up. But when I feel like a fish out of water, it makes me worry about fundamental incompatibilities. Maybe he will want someone more like him.
 
Oh boy. And after feeling off yesterday, this happened and I don't know what to do.

I'm just feeling kinda out of sorts today so I'll write it out at least.

Last night I'm not really sure what happened because I would never have really expected it. We were in bed and had just finished a movie and a snack and we were kind of absently stroking each other but weren't sure it was going anywhere. He played with my breasts and I was touching his cock and balls and thighs. We talked about a bunch of stuff and then my ex John and his sister because we hang out with them sometimes and got off topic because I was telling him she had a waterskiing accident. So his cock got soft then and I made a joke about him being distracted and he said yeah, I'll have to think about what's her name to fix that.

He's never been an asshole to me before, and he did try to apologize right away and he keeps coming back to my room today to apologize but I am feeling really hurt plus he poked that big nest of insecurities that stbxH left. I mean if he wanted to fuck John's sister, he can. But he doesn't need to make me feel like he's not attracted to me to do it. And he said he wasn't feeling like himself yesterday but I generally believe that when people let shit slip out that it's what they really think. So now I don't even really want to have sex with him or anything like that because I'm not going to believe he's attracted to me.

But then the issue becomes that I know I'm fucked up and I have baggage from my relationship with StbxH plus I was already suffering from anxiety and insecurity, so at what point am I just subconsciously punishing him? I don't want to do that either. Because it's fucked that I don't wholly believe him when he says he loves me a million times a day, but that he can just once insinuate he doesn't want me and I instantly believe it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm overreacting. I'm hurting though.

And I am falling back into my old shit. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat because I'm upset, and if I don't I'll get sick and feel like shit later. And he came and offered to make me something and I turned him down because I'm upset. But I think I'm expecting him to realize that me not wanting to eat anything is a danger sign and why would he? He's never seen this before and I usually play straight with how I am feeling. But I'm not right now.
 
I don't blame you for being upset. Try not to get caught in a downward spiral, think of the positives and try to eat a little. You'll probably feel a little better after awhile. Henry is being apologetic and is trying to help. I suspect that his comment about John's sister was poorly worded and I think he knows that. Give him a chance to make things right.

The penis is a fickle member of the body. Sometimes it decides almost randomly to get hard or soft, and the man has little to no control over that. So I don't assume that he was losing interest in you, it was probably just that he got distracted. And maybe he does find John's sister to be attractive, but that doesn't mean he's not attracted to you.

Give yourself some time to work through this anxiety.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I guess I am just having a hard time lately. I used to feel like I was okay. Hell, even with the divorce going on, I thought that dealing with that stress was my baggage. I thought I was still a good relationship partner. It's only really been lately that I am seeing that I am so messed up that I don't even recognize normal. Realizing that has been so hard for me.

I feel like I can't get out of my own head sometimes. I guess by sometimes I mean now, really. I emailed my counsellor and told her what was going on, and she replied back today and that validation helps a little bit. I'll have to sit and think about things some more. She told me to focus on making conscious choices to trust and to focus on the good things in my relationships.

Part of me right now is just a scared little girl who wants to be loved. And I feel almost like I have two sets of feelings going on. Henry probably has no idea that I am feeling so conflicted. I mean, I'm still smiling and laughing. We are having fun and moments together. Last night we stayed up for hours, talking and playing and cuddling. It should have made me feel good but it only did briefly before my thoughts reverted back to being insecure and afraid. Maybe more disconnected.

I miss being the confident me. I liked that person. I trusted her judgment. She liked validation, but didn't need it. She trusted herself. I don't feel any of those things right now. I don't feel attractive or loveable.

And this stuff? This stuff is fucking BAGGAGE. This is drama. And I wouldn't want to deal with this shit if I was Henry. On the one hand I am torn because telling him about all the shit going on in my head is just more crap. I've kind of been giving him temperature checks without dumping it all, because I don't want to get into the habit of hiding things from him. But holy fuck, I'd be sick of myself. Right about now I have a hole of need so deep that I don't think he can fill it. And it's my job to deal with it anyway, not his.

I love him. Then today I got thoughts for the first time that I am afraid of loving him. I've never really thought that before. I want something real and deep and meaningful. That wasn't really what it was on the same level when we started dating I guess, by definition within the structure of a secondary relationship. But he was telling me one of the problems he had with a previous partner was not being able to talk about "real" stuff and that we do that. And I am not sure why that intimidated me a little except maybe that StbxH used to say those kind of things about me. I feel like I've changed a little bit because of Henry, since I've wanted to share more things with him, but maybe I'm not enough either.

I'm just not feeling in a good place emotionally right now and I'm not sure how to get back. And I'm scared that I am going to fuck things up in the meantime.
 
It isn't wrong to be scared. Life is full of scary things. There isn't always a way to feel better.

Maybe you could tell Henry just a little more of what you are feeling? That way he'd be aware of it, even if he couldn't fix it.
 
I guess a lot has been going on in my head lately.

I've been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, yay :p It's funny how I was always accepting of other people who had mental illnesses but have such a hard time accepting it in myself. I feel so broken and rootless emotionally and I hate it. I miss being the strong and confident and Dominant me. We haven't played in weeks and I'm sure it's because I just haven't been feeling Dominant at all. But I still miss it.

I can't remember if I wrote here about the camping weekend that I was supposed to go to with Henry. He loves camping and it was important to him that I come and meet his friends, since with distance and logistics and money and stuff, that's pretty much the only time he sees some of them. I've never really liked camping and I find that I need a certain level of basic personal comfort to feel good, so I've avoided it. And then with the anxiety issues in addition to the social anxiety of meeting a whole ton of new people and knowing no one except Henry and not wanting to cling and worried about ruining his fun if I get unhappy.

So yeah... I told him I'd go, but then I effectively was an asshole about it and I didn't even realize it. When I talked to my counselor about it, she identified things we both could have done better to handle the situation. We wound up not going but it was pretty bad. I was worried that he'd break up with me. My insecurities have been raging pretty hard lately too.

I've just been feeling so broken. I've never felt this messed up before and it's awful. I've had no trouble accepting mental health issues in other people, but accepting them in myself is a lot harder. It doesn't fit with how I see myself and I hate it!

Yesterday was our anniversary. Normally dates are a big deal to me. I mean, I'd have bought him a card and a gift and planned something special. This time? I planned nothing. And we were both so tired that after watching a movie and cuddling on the couch (busy day with kiddo plus health issues for both of us) we went to sleep and didn't even have sex. I mean, this is my first anniversary other than with stbxH so it was weird... (well, Jennifer too but that still feels different) but I don't know.
 
It's just been a rough month or so lately. I have had time to do a lot of thinking as a result. My psychiatrist just keeps trying to get me on drugs but I don't think that's the answer for me. I've tried so many and I don't like feeling numb. And giving up the peaks to avoid the valleys... I don't know if I want that either. And screw possible sexual side effects... I need my libido and my kink drive. Those things make me happy and feel like me.

And not a lot does feel like me lately. I've realized that I lost a lot when stbxH left. Not my identity in a relationship- that's not it. I do miss the good parts about my marriage but I recognize they are gone forever. But I lost my confidence and trust in myself. I also lost my belief in Forever, while still desperately wanting it.

I'm also recognizing that since I crave security so much and I can't get it because there is no way of knowing what will happen with my divorce and with my relationships, I've been giving it to myself in doomsday scenarios unconsciously. Like, we had to buy a vacuum sealer recently since we decided to put up produce for the winter to save money. I paid for the freezer and clarified that he was going to pay for the vacuum sealer because I was thinking ahead to who would get what when we split up. That's not exactly a positive way to think.

It hasn't helped that Henry's health has been quite poor lately and he hasn't had much energy. We haven't played since July and we've had very little sex. Intellectually I understand- it's not that he doesn't want me, it's that he isn't physically up for it. But it's still hard when sometimes I feel like I need sex to connect with him emotionally. It's part of how I have intimacy with someone. We've had lots of cuddles and physical touch but I feel like I need more. It's not the kind of desire that I can satisfy with a vibrator or another partner. I don't really know how to handle that.

I've been feeling pretty disconnected in general. Jennifer got a new job that changed her hours so we haven't been able to see each other much, or even really talk. We used to text for an hour or so every day and now we really can't do that. I thought her workload would slacken when she changed jobs and she is working fewer hours but has much less time to talk and she's tired all the time. I'm lonely even though I have Henry around a lot.

On the positive side, we did some more talking about our D/s and wrote up lists of our needs, wants, and desires. We have a conversation planned to discuss. I am really looking forward to hearing his. I know he has trouble articulating stuff like that so I hope he has some to share.

While I am saying positive things, I overcame an issue I had with a kink. I've been drawn to play piercing for over a year now, but because I am uncomfortable with having my blood drawn or seeing injections, I was skittish to try even though I found it erotic. I had to mentally separate skin surface piercings from the injection-y stuff that freaked me out. And I did piercings on a friend and it was exciting and awesome! I'm a little proud of myself for that. I ordered some needles and I'm looking forward to trying it out. The Top who taught the class said I'm good to go out and try on my own.

Henry is out at a sub/slave/bottom discussion group tonight. He said that he wants to be more social despite his health issues, and I've been hoping that being around other bottomy people will help him figure out more about what he wants in terms of D/s. I want him to make connections in the community so he has people to talk to and help him figure it out. I mean, I know what I want, because I've been around more and I've had D/s relationships in the past. He's used to being a bottom in the bedroom, but not so much outside it. I want him to consider what works for him and what he's willing to try so we can put a little more structure in our relationship. I guess we'll see what happens. We were supposed to have the conversation a few days ago but he's been sick the past few days so we've postponed. Maybe tomorrow.

I know I'll never be the same me again... but I miss the parts of me that I lost.
 
So, did you and Henry have that discussion about D/s wants and needs? Was it helpful as anticipated?
 
We did, and I would say yes and no.

It wound up being more what we needed from the relationship, and that sort of stuff really is good to know. We agreed that we were going to check in biweekly to discuss anything we'd missed, and I think we'll talk more D/s then. We did agree that we both wanted to pursue more D/s in our relationship and see how it goes.

I am inclined to think we did it in the right order since we should both be happy with the foundation of our relationship before adding more.

So the conversation was fine, although we both felt tired afterwards. The issue cropped up later when we were cuddling in bed and given my anxiety disorder and depression, my thoughts started spiraling down pretty quickly. He told me that he's been feeling a little isolated lately, which is partly because his health hasn't permitted going out and doing things he enjoys, and also partly because he's in a new city and doesn't have a built in social network like he did in his hometown and building a new one would require more energy than he feels that he has at the moment. So he's asked me to encourage him to go out, which I've agreed to do. I can't always go with him because kiddo, but I don't mind getting a sitter once or twice a month.

What got worse is that we come at some issues from a fundamentally different place, and it's hard to understand the other's perspective. I've been worried for a long time that things just can't work between us because I feel like I am a very different person from the kind of people he usually hangs out with. I agree wholeheartedly that I've made his friends into caricatures in my mind, because I don't know them, but they seem like people I just wouldn't have much in common with. I mean, they're anarchists and artists and campers and activists and stuff, and I'm none of those things. Also, and I do mean this in a perspective way and NOT as a value, but his friends are generally from a different socioeconomic strata, and I think perhaps it's influenced personality traits like being laidback and just letting things go where they go because they've had to.

And I am nothing like that. I'm a very structure oriented kind of person. Not to mention I have social anxiety around people I don't know. But the idea of going and hanging out with no plans, with a group of people I don't know and may have very little to talk about with scares the fuck out of me. Not to mention that since these people don't have cars, Henry normally goes to visit them. And since he doesn't have a car either, this tends to be more when they get together in a large group for a festival, and it involves camping. That's pretty much the only way he hangs out with some of these people, and they are really important to him. And while I've encouraged him to go see them alone, he wants to share the things that are important in his life with me, and I can't really blame him. But now with all this mess, he's anxious that I won't like his friends, I'm anxious that his friends won't like me, and that I'll wind up in a situation that makes me uncomfortable and I won't be able to leave because of lack of vehicle and ability to drive (I don't have a license so I can't just rent my own car).

I'm worried things just won't work because maybe I won't be able to share these things with him. I don't even want to go to festivals and the like. I don't want him to miss out on stuff because of me either, but it's really important to him that I go along too. Maybe not to festivals but at least to meet his friends.

And maybe I am a little worried I won't like his friends. Some of them seem a little sketchy, and definitely different values and life perspective. He likes to be able to invite friends to crash where he lives and I don't know how I feel about that. This is my home. He pays rent but doesn't really have his own space. And while I'm okay with having people in the common areas, I might feel uncomfortable having people I don't know around kiddo. And I definitely don't know how I feel having strangers stay overnight. I'm a pretty private person and I am not used to having people in my space. Hell, my stbxH was on the road six months a year anyway so most of the time the house was mine and I could do what I wanted. He rarely entertained. It's been odd enough having Henry around. I don't want to deny him guests because that's not fair, but I have to admit that I'd be uncomfortable.

My thoughts just aren't working very well tonight. I'm feeling some anxiety because I noticed that Henry took his toy bag with him and we haven't really played in a few months because he hasn't been up to it physically. And then I worry if maybe he just didn't want to play with me. We've barely had sex either for the same reasons. I don't know. I feel messed up and anxious.
 
That sounds stressful. Would it help if you and Henry did some more talking? What's your worst fear?
 
I just feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride tonight. I know logically that my thoughts are irrational and I'm just tired and lonely and depressed, but that doesn't make them any easier in the short run. I can't get off the ride.

Everything feels bad right now. I mean, it was a nothing day. I had a nice lunch with a friend and then ran some errands with Kiddo after school. He was a little stressful but nothing big. I was exhausted because of my health issues and being out and about, but that's nothing new either.

Henry is away visiting friends. Which is good. I know he needs that and I am glad he is. But here I am wrapped up in bed feeling so desperately lonely, and that makes me feel so pathetic. Because holy crap, he's been gone for like three days, give me a break. That's totally unhealthy dependency. And I mean, stbxH used to be gone for weeks at a time and I was used to it.

I know that I'm not really ready for a relationship right now because I feel so damn broken. I'm not myself and I don't even know how to be me right now. But Henry and Jennifer have helped me so much by being there for me during this horrible time and I do need them too much to let go, and they say they aren't going anywhere. I love them both, but I'm not the same me I was when I met each of them. And it sure as hell isn't a better version of me.

I don't like this person. I don't like so many things about her. I don't like her insecurity, and she's flooded with them. I don't like her lack of confidence and trust in herself. I don't like that she doesn't believe her own judgment anymore. I don't like that she's lost faith that life is a good thing and that everything will be okay. I don't like that she used to be fun, and now she is just anxious all the time. Literally, ALL THE TIME. I don't like how little things can set off that slide into the abyss where all her dark thoughts are.I don't like how fucking NOTHING can set off that slide. I don't like her neediness.

I lost my trust that I will come out the other side of this cloud. It's been so long and no progress at all has really been made. I can't plan my life. I can't move forward. So the only certainty and structure I have is thinking that my life is going to go bad. And it's not like I want to feel like this, it's just happening and I don't know how to stop it. This isn't me! I mean, I've always been respectful of other people's mental health issues but I didn't really understand. And I always kind of pulled back emotionally because I couldn't handle helping carry that load. Maybe that makes me a bad person. It probably does. But I couldn't do it. And I can't get out of my own head. I can't walk away from my own. Fuck, I'd break up with myself if I could but I don't quite think they've figured out a way to do that yet.

My thoughts aren't even really going to specific places. I am just recognizing physiological things that are making me feel bad. I'm crying for pretty much no reason.

I want OFF THIS RIDE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW.
 
Hugs.
Maybe it's time to go ask a doctor for some help with antidepressants? If it's a physiological anxiety brought on by stress and life changes it can be combatted with medication. At least, it has worked in my case for when my anxiety gets unable to be dealt with on my own.
Hang in there and I send warm hugs. You can get through this and we are here offering virtual support should you want it. :eek:
 
Vicki - your story touched me. Such tough times to be going through. The anxiety and worry sound normal to me at a time like this. Horrible to go through but normal and not a sign of a permanent change in character or anything. You will get better and you will feel okay again. I'd see a doc if it's preventing you from doing things you need to do.

Some of the strongest and longest relationships I know are between people who share few interests and friends. They often talk about how good it is because it means that they have space from each other and do different things which keeps them interesting to each other.
 
I second the suggestion that you might want to look into anti-depressants. They do not have to be a long term thing. I spent months crying everyday and I thought it was reasonable because my life was way out of balance. It took having my first shaking, blurred vision anxiety attack over something that should not have made me that upset to get me to the doctor. Within a couple weeks I could get through the day without tears and felt closer to my old self again. I am still trying to find normal but it is easier.

Leetah
 
Hi Vicki,

I've gone through spells when I wasn't being me, and where my poly companions probably should have dumped me. But they didn't. And things did get better. It took years for things to get better, but it finally happened.

Although, I never completely recovered. I am on disability now. I don't accomplish/contribute much to the household, I get really tired and anxious sometimes and can barely do my computer activities. So my companions should probably still dump me. But they don't.

What improvements I've had seem to be largely facilitated by Zyprexa. Maybe some kind of medication would help you, although your chemistry is unique and would probably respond to something different than what worked for my chemistry.

Are you still seeing your counselor? Does she know how unhappy you are with yourself and why? What does she have to say about the situation? Has she suggested medication? Is that something you'd be willing to try?

It is clear to me that you are suffering. I'm sorry that's happening to you. I believe you are a good and worthwhile person.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
One of the truly evil things about mental illness is that it can make you feel like everything is bad and nothing will ever change and you are forever trapped. This is not actually true but the mind weasels sure make it feel like it is.

Do talk to your counselor and check in about medication as other folks have posted.

But at least some of what you are experiencing is utterly normal shitty feelings and reactions to going through a crappy divorce with an untrustworthy ex who treats you poorly (at best!). Some of that is adjusting to living with someone else. It's hard to learn to live with other people, even if they are good partners like Henry. Some of it is chronic illness. Your reactions are not unreasonable or unexpected. Yes, the mental illness could push these normal shitty feelings and reactions into something worse and I worry that may be happening (hence joining the chorus for counselor and med check).

But you are not a freak (in a bad way), you are not abnormal. You are reacting to bad situations, tough choices and just some hard decisions and new circumstances in normal ways. Your partners love you and want to be with you. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to let someone love you when you are not doing well at all. But try to let them do that.

This won't be forever. I know it feels like it. But that is a lie your brain is telling you. It will last longer than it should, you don't deserve it and it sucks. No question. But it won't be forever.
 
I'm going to echo the others - talk to your counselor and/or a doctor!

I suffer from anxiety - medication helps.

MrS suffers from Bipolar depression - medication helps.

(Dude suffers from depression, and won't consider meds - we no longer talk about this, as it is TOO frustrating for me to bang my head against a brick wall!)

Counselling helps as well - but more-so if the anxiety/depression is due to external factors. If your brain is LYING to you (and you no longer recognize yourself) then you should consider altering the chemical environment it is inhabiting!

We live in a world that we didn't evolve for - the technological change that our intelligence allowed for didn't leave time for our biology to adapt - high-pressure, high-stress, high-paced. At least 20% of us suffer from anxiety/depression/mood disorders as a result - and are ashamed of it, because no one ever TALKS about it - it is viewed as a weakness, when, in fact, it is a reasonable response to an unreasonable universe! No wonder some of us need a little chemical kick to keep up.

(*steps down from soap-box*)
 
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