Wait, what DID she do? Experienced polyperson but dealing with some new challenges

[Midnight_Shaman]

Hi all,
I am late 40s omnisexual gender fluid female living in the U.S.. I have identified as poly since I was 17. However, some of this was complicated due to untreated dissociative identity disorder (DID, formerly known as multiple personality disorder) that led to me cheating on my spouse and my first marriage ending in divorce. During that mess, I finally got in with a therapist who specialized in treating DID, started building internal communication, understanding, acceptance and cooperation between my parts so we could construct a single life where all of my parts felt like their needs were getting met so that none woudl feel the need to take control and hide the memories of it. I have since remarried and we both identified as poly and open.

All was good and stable for years. Something that can happen with DID is that when someone is in a safe and secure enough situation, they start recalling trauma memories that had previouslly been concealed by one of the parts, and then all psychological hell breaks loose. I had just started a physical relationship with a new male partner, and supported by the love of two incredibly wonderful human beings, I found the personal hell I'd buried and managed to cause some serious emotional scars to those wonderful people in the process of me trying to heal. We got through it, and treasure the gifts gained from it, but it left everyone shaken and I haven't had any desire to start any new relationships in the years since (even though my previous ones have continued). Amazing that some thing so beautifully healing could also be so damaging.

At least until a few months ago, and that brings me to my current problem. I am haivng some hardcore NRE, but have been holding back because both my spouse and I are needing to talk through some things and go through kind of a re-opening up process because of lingering fears about the instability and drama that happened a decade ago, along with us being parents now with the additional challenges of balancing time. Some of our previous rules need to be re-evaluated ibecause we are just in such a different lifestage than we were before, but some of it also is due to the DID and fear of potential unknown drama landmines. I worked through the last of my known trauma triggers almost a decade ago through that fiasco, but my spouse has a lot of fear about the unknowns about how a new relationship could affect the DID, and fears about doing anything that would reduce the stability of the marriage or negatively affect our offspring. And I'm scared too because I don't want to mess anything up either, and all of these discussions are so frustratingly slow when new love is burning in my brain... So, I figured it would be good to reach out to the community and see if I could glean some wisdom from others that could help in our process.

 

[Magdlyn]

First of all, good job on getting through a very difficult stage a decade ago. That sounded very tough.

As for now, I can see why you'd hesitate to start a new relationship, despite a strong crush. You have a child to protect now, and kids' needs aways come first, especially when they are still quite young (not older teens).

How is it that "new love" has come your way? Are your feelings returned? Do you spend a lot of time with this person?

You mention that your husband still carries trauma from the last meltdown (I'm sorry if that's the wrong term) you had. That's understandable. I can see how you'd both be hesitant to rock the boat. Do you still have another male partner, as well, the same one from before? If so, what does he think?

In poly, I like to say, just because we can doesn't mean we should. Some dyads, Vs, etc., agree to keep the current partners, but not add anyone new, for X amount of time, for whatever reason.

Are you still in therapy? Do you intuit that there may be more buried trauma that might rise to the surface, if you take on a new lover, and affect your current (adult and parental) relationships in a negative way?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Midnight_Shaman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like DID (past and present) is causing some concern for you in a new relationship. I think if you read a lot on these boards -- and post a lot -- you will get helpful advice and feedback. I don't have DID but I have been diagnosed with multiple neurodivergent issues (a couple of which are Asperger's and schizoaffective disorder). Finding the right medication for me has helped a lot, but I have also had to do a lot of processing to get to where I am now. So I may be able to help you, or at least relate to you.

Glad to have you with us,
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Midnight_Shaman]

How is it that "new love" has come your way? Are your feelings returned? Do you spend a lot of time with this person?

I met someone at a mutual friend’s house. We have great chemistry when we are together, and I feel like there is mutual attraction, but he may not have much experience with ENM and I have not let him know yet that I am poly… I’ve been hesitant to get his hopes up…and have been trying not to get mine up…until my spouse and I have things sorted more on our end.
I don’t spend nearly as much time with him as I crave. I know one of the things my spouse is concerned about is me having a new relationship taking too much time away from the family, but so far nothing has interfered with family time as there are some practical constraints on both sides regarding how much we can get together.

You mention that your husband still carries trauma from the last meltdown (I'm sorry if that's the wrong term) you had. That's understandable. I can see how you'd both be hesitant to rock the boat. Do you still have another male partner, as well, the same one from before? If so, what does he think?

Meltdown works. The term I usually use is shattering. Like I’m a stained glass window with an overall picture that is made up of several parts working together. Other people are standing far enough back from me that they see the whole picture and identify that picture as being me. I am close enough to the window that it is often easier for me to see the parts than the whole picture. When I get shattered, I can put the pieces back together to form a coherent whole picture again that to the outside world doesn’t actually look different than what it did before. Because I put the pieces together each time, though, and know each of the pieces in more detail than anyone else, I can see how the parts are fitted together in a different than they were before. DID is usually a lot more subtle differences between alts than movie portrayals tend to show. Most people don’t notice my alts unless they know what they are looking for.

I still have other male lovers who are long distance. That’s never been a problem. The man that was involved in that shattering nine years ago is still in my life, and we still love each other. As long as there isn’t sexual involvement between him and I, my husband is ok with it. Things have been healing gradually and they can be around each other again at parties or whatever without a problem, but everyone’s pretty scared to rock that boat. He got married to someone else who is awesome and I love them both.

In poly, I like to say, just because we can doesn't mean we should. Some dyads, Vs, etc., agree to keep the current partners, but not add anyone new, for X amount of time, for whatever reason.

I feel like not having any new partners for nine years should be long enough to reassure that I still love him and am committed to him and am stable and stuff.

Are you still in therapy? Do you intuit that there may be more buried trauma that might rise to the surface, if you take on a new lover, and affect your current (adult and parental) relationships in a negative way?

As part of my prep work, I did a very thorough check with all my parts on what they need, what they want, what their feelings were towards my spouse to check for lingering resentments and such. I also recently restarted therapy and am getting a thorough re-eval on my psych meds.

One of the things that came out of the drama last time was that my spouse had always thought a specific one of my alts was monogamous and that always made him feel more secure. This alt was very hurt by him thinking that about her because there was ample evidence that she is poly. She has felt less seen and less loved by him because of his willingness to accept other alts as poly but not her. She has been fearful he won’t be able to accept her specifically being involved with anyone else. And of course, she is the one that has fallen hardest for this new person. So, that’s part of the stuff we are working out…

I have already worked through all my known stuff that has triggered flashbacks/etc. in the past. There are two suspected trigger situations I haven’t faced down, but both are situational triggers that are entirely avoidable. There is no circumstance under which it would be possible for either of those things to happen on accident.

I can’t really guarantee, though, that there isn’t any buried childhood trauma left. The trauma of caused by the last time, we did our best to work through it at the time, including counseling individually and as a couple. However, in me wanting to start something new, it is clear that some of the fears of something like that happening again are still present.

 

[Midnight_Shaman]

I don't have DID but I have been diagnosed with multiple neurodivergent issues (a couple of which are Asperger's and schizoaffective disorder). Finding the right medication for me has helped a lot, but I have also had to do a lot of processing to get to where I am now. So I may be able to help you, or at least relate to you.

Thanks, Kevin. I suspect you are right that we’ve got some commonalities in neurodivergencies. I was recently diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum too. DID and autism interact in funky ways the researchers are still trying to understand, but if one alt has autism, they all do since it isn’t like brain structures reconfigure themselves when changing between alts, but different alts can have differences in autism symptoms, and one of my alts was specifically created as a workaround to difficulties with socializing. Some say that DID really stands for Doing It Differently. I learned to mask differently, but it works. I am still working on understanding how it all fits together.

 

[kdt26417]

I can see how adding DID adds an extra layer to the autism spectrum. I do not have alts that I'm aware of, but sometimes I morph into a very anxious state for seemingly unknown reasons.

 

[Midnight_Shaman]

People with DID and their therapists can go for years without being aware of the alts and they frequently are misdiagnosed for years. Memory issues, depression, anxiety are pretty common things observed though when unaware of alts. When I first saw Quantum Leap and it described the main character’s memory as being Swiss cheesed I was like “that’s it! That’s exactly the way I feel!” But with awareness and communication and cooperation, that doesn’t happen anymore.

My alts are still around, though, have differences in who they are attracted to and activities they enjoy which makes poly a nice way to allow all the alts to experience the kind of relationships they prefer. So one alt may have a romantic and sexual relationship with someone, while another alt may view that same person more like a metamour. It works and it isn’t nearly as confusing to any of us involved as it is to try to explain it to others.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like you've done a pretty good job of adapting to the DID situation, and harmonizing it with the poly proposition. You will be able to iron out more of the details as you go along.